Knowing when to hold'em and when to fold'em

Some of you might remember me crazily mentioning that I was going to sign up for the New York City Marathon this November.  Well I signed up.  I paid my $266 and started running 6 weeks postpartum.  Things were going great while I was on maternity leave.  I was running 3-4 times a week with long runs on Saturdays that started at 6 miles and progressed to 10 miles last weekend.  Yes, I was slow as $#!t, but I was getting faster and faster with each subsequent run.  Then I went back to work.  Suddenly I found myself not being able to keep my eyes open let alone run after the baby goes to sleep at 8 PM.  Today was the first day that I have been able to squeeze in a run this week and it was only 4 miles.  Thinking about getting out of bed at 5 AM (after not sleeping more than 3 hours straight) to do my 12 mile run tomorrow morning makes me cringe.  Isn't this supposed to be fun?

This morning I logged into the NYRR website to finally select my transportation and baggage options after getting several threatening emails from the NYRR staff.  Unfortunately the mid-town Manhattan option was gone leaving only the Staten Island and NJ options.  Procrastination screws me again.  I then noticed a cancel button at the bottom of the screen with some fine print so I decided to take a closer look...

"Cancellation: If you wish to cancel your 2013 entry, click the "cancel entry" button below. By cancelling your entry for the 2013 ING New York City Marathon you will have guaranteed entry to the 2014 ING New York City Marathon. You will still need to claim that entry in 2014 (when the application process opens) and to pay all applicable fees pertaining to the 2014 ING New York City Marathon. The deadline to cancel online is 11:59PM EDT on October 30, 2013. In addition, you can mail your cancellation to: Marathon Cancellations, New York Road Runners, 9 East 89th Street, New York, NY 10128, complete with a note that states your name, address, date of birth and the words "cancel my entry." This must be postmarked no later than October 30, 2013. In-person cancellations will be accepted from October 31 to November 2 in person at the ING New York City Marathon Health and Fitness Expo. Once runners have picked up their race number, they cannot cancel."

OMG.  I was so excited to see this.  I was thinking that I could not cancel/defer for this year and run next year, but apparently, I can.  Granted I will be out $532, but at this point I don't even care about the money.  Thinking about the training runs getting longer and longer while being sleep deprived and nursing makes me not even bat an eyelash about paying another $266 next year.  

Sometimes us women try to do it all.  We think we can and others expect that we can, too.  We get so angry with ourselves when we can't meet our own unrealistic expectations.  We see ourselves as failures.  Under normal circumstances running a marathon is tough, but doing it with a 14 week old, while exclusively breastfeeding, and working full-time makes it so much tougher.  I am going to give myself a free pass with this and not consider myself failing at this.  Sure, I want to get back into the shape that I was in pre-miscarriage/baby, but I can do that slowly.  I don't need to do a marathon in the fall to prove that I am the same girl I was before.  I think a half-marathon will suffice.  ;-)