There is a guy that I pass during my walk to work on most mornings.  He sweeps the sidewalk outside one of the buildings.  All of the trash that ends up there, all of the cigarette butts, and all of the dirt and dust, he sweeps it up.  I am sure that you are thinking, such a shitty job, right?  You would think that this guy was just hating on life because he sees people pass him every day wearing nice suits, carrying their $4 lattes, and hustling to get to their high-profile & high-paying jobs.  The crazy thing is that he isn't unhappy or at least he isn't letting on that he is unhappy.  With a bounce in his step, he sweeps up all of the garbage, and while he is doing this he is smiling and whistling.  The whistling, which is quite pleasant to hear, is magnified as it echos off of the tall buildings in the vicinity.  As you walk by, he'll tip his head to you as if to say good morning or buck-up, friend.  It is impossible to walk by him and not have your mood elevated...just a little.

This guy clearly has much less than me, at least in the physical sense, and yet he still has a smile on his face every day.  I am sure that I make several times more money than he does, live in a nicer house, drive a nicer car, eat better food, go on nicer vacations, and just generally have a much "cushier" existence.  Am I happier?  No.  I'm not.  In fact, I am 100% positive that I am much angrier, resentful, judgmental, hateful, anxious, and ungrateful for everything that I have than he is with what he has.

On my walk to work today, with angry tears in my eyes, I decided that this has to stop.  I cannot continue living my life with such a bad attitude.  I am ruining my relationship with my husband, with my family, with my friends, and with my co-workers.  The smallest little things send me into a tailspin of anger.  For example, yesterday was what I would consider a "very bad weather day".  There were extremely high winds, snow, and cold temperatures, which are no fun in general.

Me- Already in a bad mood just watching the weather forecast.  

Add on the fact that we have been having this type of weather for 4-5 months at this point.  Add the fact that I was up all night with a crying baby.  Add the fact that I had to get up at 4:40 AM.  Add the fact that I hate all of my clothes because they outline the fact that my stomach still looks like I have a small baby bump.  Add the fact that my train was delayed more than 30 minutes, leaving me to stand on the platform, freezing.  Add the fact that they still collected full fare on the late train even though it was packed so full and there were no seats.  Add the fact that when I got to SBUX to get my coffee, there was a long line because I was so late...

Me- Get to work in an extremely bad mood which sets the tone for the rest of my day and how it would go.

Add on the fact that a co-worker decided to take it upon himself to have a conversation with my boss (on my behalf) because of a conversation we had where I had been flipping out about an email that she had sent and she was subsequently upset with me.  Add on the fact that when I got home I had to clean my house, which was a mess after being out of town the previous week and my husband had not so much as attempted to clean, because we were having a Realtor over.  Add the fact that I snapped at my husband about said lack of cleaning.  Add the fact that I was annoyed that I didn't have time to exercise.  Add the fact that I didn't get to eat dinner until 8:30 PM and didn't get to shower until 9 PM.  Add the fact that as soon as my head hit the pillow, an hour later than normal, the baby woke up screaming and only wanting mommy.

Me- Go to bed angry.     

You get where I am going with this, right?  Basically, everything that happened yesterday was one big fat ball of angry.  Nothing was good.  Everything sucked.  Wah, wah, wah.  Poor me.  This super-negative mentality has been feeding into every single part of my life lately.  As I was laying there trying to fall asleep last night, I was dwelling on the bad, the sad, and the ugly.  I didn't even think about any of the good that came out of yesterday:  Even though the train was standing room only, I ended up with a seat when someone got off at the next stop.  I finished a large task at work, presented it to my boss, and thoroughly impressed her.  I found out that a place right near my work has excellent coffee.  The baby fell asleep, peacefully, right at 6:45 PM.  The Realtor's first impressions of our house were extremely positive and she actually said that we had made a great investment.    

I am not sure if the key to creating a more positive outlook on life is to figure out what the cause of the anger is so that I can resolve it or if its is to forget about figuring out why (and therefore making excuses) and just focus on how you can improve your attitude.  I have thought about going back to a therapist because it was nice to have a sounding board for my problems.  The therapist was someone that had to listen to me bitch about my husband, my family, my job, my friends, my life, etc.  A captive audience.  The thing is, I know that I have a bad attitude and I don't necessarily want to indulge myself in hour long sessions of spilling my guts to a stranger about what I am annoyed with and/or angry about on any given day.  I am getting incredibly annoyed with myself (if that is even possible).

I want to start making a concerted effort to become more positive.  I want to be a positive force for my son.  I want to be a more positive presence for my husband.  I want to be more positive influence on my friends and family.  Even more important though, I want to be positive for myself.  I have one life.  This is it.  You know what?  It is a good one.  I am so lucky to have so much and to be so blessed.  So many people in this world would give anything to have my "problems" and sources of anger.  I have turned into a bitching, moaning, self-entitled, brat (for lack of a better word) and it has got to stop.  STOP.  RIGHT.  HERE.  RIGHT.  NOW.

We all have bad days and sometimes things don't go the way that we planned them out in our heads.  Such is life.  It is what we make of it.  We can choose to wake up each day with a scowl or a smile on our face.  We can focus on the negative or the positive.  It is up to us.

That whistling building maintenance man doesn't know it, but he very may well have have changed my life...for the better.

Today is sunny.  It isn't as cold and it isn't as windy.  My train was slightly delayed, but in the scheme of things, who cares?  I still got to work, safely.  Today is going to be a good day.
 

This past weekend, my husband and I packed up the baby and dog and headed off to the beach for a mini-vacation.  The car was so packed that you could not see out the back window.  The poor dog, who has been banished to the way back since the baby came along, had barely any room with the baby bath constantly sliding into his tiny space.  It was an experience, that's for sure.  Something that only practice could perfect.

It was our first family trip and it was nothing like I expected.  I figured that we'd be relaxing on the beach or hiking in a park, but we really didn't have much time to do that.  Neither of us realized how much time our baby normal routine would take us in a different location.  Basically, it was the same stuff we do at home with less supplies at hand.

All things aside, we did have a really nice time hanging out as a family.  The dog was in his element at the beach and was probably a little confused that he was getting some attention once again.  Hi favorite things in life are the beach, tennis balls, and carrots.  He got to experience all three of those things in mass quantities this past weekend.  A little slice of "doggy heaven" for our poor neglected son dog.  

On Friday morning, my husband, the baby, the dog and I set out for a 4 mile jog.  The weather was pristine and the path was smooth and accommodating.  We did the run at a 9 minute per mile pace, which felt slow, but the dog was really laboring.  I had to keep bribing him with the promise of carrots for the last mile.

On Saturday morning we left the dog at home so that we could accomplish something together that we have never done before.  We were going to run 12 miles with the baby in the jogger.  My husband decided to sign up for a half marathon with me later this fall, so in order to do that we need to make sure 12 miles is something that we could accomplish.  I had done 10 the previous weekend so I knew I could do it, but my husband was a little less confident.

We packed up the B.O.B. with emergency supplies: diapers, wipes, changing pad, extra clothes for B, disposable diaper bags, coconut water (for us) and power jelly beans (for us) and then headed off.

My husband and I switched off pushing the stroller every 2 miles.  The route was pretty flat and very scenic.  My husband and I chatted while we ran.  It was so nice to be doing this with him.  It can get quite lonely running by yourself for so long.  It was a nice way to connect with him without any other distractions.

Here are our split times, courtesy of MapMyRun MVP:

Mile 1- 8:53
Mile 2- 8:45
Mile 3- 8:51
Mile 4- 8:39
Mile 5- 8:43
Mile 6- 8:48
Mile 7- 8:57
Mile 8- 8:54
Mile 9- 8:37
Mile 10- 9:00
Mile 11- 8:50
Mile 12- 9:18
extra .19 miles- 8:57

Overall pace average was 8:54 minutes per mile (faster than our 4 miler!).

My husband started to fade at mile 10.  I think our mile 9 might have done him in.  I was really proud of him, though.  It was his longest run ever and he really hasn't been running a whole lot lately.  I give some credit to CrossFit here.  Had it not been for CrossFit, he never in a million years would have signed up for a half marathon and run 12 miles to train for it.  

I felt strong the entire time.  I could have gone faster and/or gone longer.  It was a really great feeling.  I actually felt proud of my body for a change.  In the past 5 months, I have gone from 167 lbs down to 120ish.  I have started running again and gone from being out of breath in less than a mile (at a snails pace) to being able to run 12 miles at a pace that is faster than most average runners can sustain AND have the handicap of a jogging stroller.  I have gone from super flabby to toned, once again.  I'm slowly getting back there.  It is just taking a lot longer than I had imagined it in my silly little head.

Speaking of jogging stroller, our little future marathoner did great for the 1 hour and 48 minutes that were were on the road.  He was up and babbling for the first 1/2 and then took a nice nap for the second half.  We didn't even use any of our emergency supplies that we brought!

I think this trip and the run were great for more reasons that one.  Even though B didn't sleep and much of our time went to his normal care-taking, we all had a really nice time.  I appreciate my husband more for deciding to run with me.  I appreciate my baby for letting us run with him.  Despite its shortcomings, I appreciate my mind and body.  They are way stronger than I give them credit for.    

I can't believe that I just got back from taking my little one to his 4 month appointment today.  He weighs a whopping 17 lbs even and is 25.25 inches long.  He is in the 80th and 56th percentiles (respectively).  I have a chubby baby!

The doctor was very pleased with his growth.  This little over-achiever already has his first tooth coming through on the bottom right.  He has rolled over from front to back, three times.  He can sit in his exersaucer with a pillow under his feet.  He is doing really well.  The only not so great part about our visit today was the 4 vaccines that he had to get.  It is the saddest thing to see your baby kicking and smiling joyfully and then screaming in terror as they are stuck in the leg with the needle.  Ugh it is the worst.

Tomorrow is B's appointment at the Children's Hospital for his acid reflux.  We will finally figure out (or start down the road to finding out) if this is what he has or if it really is a MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance).  I am hopeful that there is nothing wrong with him at all and he just spits more than the average baby.  I would love to enjoy a slice of pizza again.  :-)

I have two appointments with daycare centers coming up.  One is this coming Friday, near our house.  The other is next Wednesday near my work.  It will be quite interesting to see these places and hear about how expensive they are.

As for me, 4 months post baby and I am happy to post that my diastasis recti is back down to normal levels.  I have gone from a more than 4 finger separation to tight 2 finger separation.  My physical therapist was quite impressed with my progress and she sent me on my merry way with a packet full of exercises that I can continue to do in the coming months (and a whole set of pregnancy ones if I end up pregnant again someday).  She also cleared me for crunches and yoga.  I am sooooo excited to start yoga again!  In an upcoming post, I am going to document the exercises that I did so I can help people who are looking for advice on this topic.  I had trouble finding anything that wasn't a gimmick or that I didn't have to pay for a few months back.

I am also pleased to say that I am down to 125 lbs and I fit into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans this last weekend!  I was happily shocked.  The jeans were definitely big on me pre-pregnancy and they are just fitting now, but hey, I'll take it.

Last week I was able to run 5 days out of 7.  Granted they were not fast runs and they were not especially long runs, but I was able to do it and work and take care of B.  I am hoping to keep up with at least 3-4 days a week and walks on other days.  B loves going with me.  I think he is going to be my new favorite running buddy!  :-)

This past weekend was one of the most social that I have had yet.  I feel like I am finally getting back to a semblance of my old self and am getting the hang of this working mommy thing.  Friday night I left baby with Daddy and attended my sister's birthday party.  Even though I was the first one to leave the party, I was out until almost midnight.  Late night for me!  Be was great for Daddy, too.  He slept the whole time I was gone.  Saturday, my husband and I went to a BBQ with B.  Three other babies that were the same age as B were there.  It was a riot.  Sunday, I went to the local farmer's market, got coffee and took a stroller walk with my sister and B, and then met up with a few families at the beach.

It took me 4 months (and 2 years) to get here, but I am content, finally.  Life is good.  I didn't think I would ever get the chance to feel this way.  I am so very thankful.    

I can't believe that I already had my 6 week OB appointment today.  B will be 7 weeks on Thursday!  Where has the time gone?

I was really nervous for my appointment this morning for a few reasons.  The first reason was because I had to go alone with B.  I have gone alone with him to appointments before, but never to the hospital and never for 4 1/2 hours.  I had to go early this morning to first get my 2 hour GTT and then for my OB appointment afterwards at 11:20 AM.  So yeah, I had to entertain B for several hours, in a hospital setting, by myself.

Turns out it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I nursed him a total of 2 times and changed 3 diapers in the family restrooms.  Luckily everything in the hospital is wheelchair accessible!  I hate the nursing covers and would prefer to just "free-boob" it, but I am not sure how legal that is in my state (or anywhere for that matter).

The 2 hour GTT test wasn't as bad as the 3 hour, but the drink was by far worse.  It wasn't the orange flavored one, it was no flavor other than sugar water.  I choked it down and it threatened to come back up for several minutes.  Luckily I could drink water to take the sticky, sweet taste out of my mouth.  GROSS!

After chugging the gross drink, B and I did several laps around the hospital.  We walked past the fertility clinic.  I wanted to go in and thank my RE and their staff, but didn't think they would even remember me since it was September that I was there last.  I saw the doctor that delivered B and I also saw a few other doctors that I remembered walking the halls.  It was weird to be back there again for what will be the last time for quite a while (or until I try to get pregnant again or get pregnant again on my own).  The site of so many heartbreaks and bad memories, now has a bunch of great memories for me.  They helped me conceive and birth my son.  I am forever grateful.

After my last blood draw, I headed over for one last visit to MFM.  I am not sure what my BP was, but my weight is 133 (down from a high of 164 plus).  I still have 13 lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, or 15 lbs to lose to get back to my goal weight.  I realize that this weight should not come off until I stop breastfeeding and I am ok with that.

I talked to my doctor one last time.  We discussed birth control, as he gave me the all-clear for sex (which I still have no interest in right now...sorry hubby!).  I am going to start the mini-pill on Sunday.  Not really excited about that, but I also do not want to get pregnant for at least a year and having something put into me like an IUD sounds completely unappealing.  We also discussed exercise and my diastasis recti.  I told him about the marathon and he told me that I can start running...slowly.  I am surely going to be at the pace of a turtle for some time.  As for the ab situation, he told me that he has never seen anyone have luck with physical therapy, but he agreed to write me a prescription if I agreed to call him and let him know if it worked or not.  He also told me that if I choose to have another baby and a c-section that he will stitch my abs back together as part of the surgery, if that was going to be my last child.  I love this man!!  He also checked my incision, which he said looked good and he gave me a pap smear which hurt like hell.  He told me to give them a call if I get pregnant and we'll do it all over again starting at 8 weeks.

I really felt like hugging him, but I thought that would be weird.  Seems like so long ago that I walked in there for the first time, crying and so scared.  He really always helped to calm me down.  He never tried to blow smoke and sugar coat anything, but he also didn't unnecessarily scare me either.  It is crazy that you spend so much time at their office when you are pregnant and then you just stop going.  It sounds weird to say that I will actually miss going for regular check-ups there.

When I handed the receptionist my paperwork and told her that I did not need to schedule a follow-up it felt like I was graduating.  I now have my healthy baby that I worked so hard for.  Quite a surreal feeling.  I did it.  I overcame whatever issue I had.  I fought and I won.

When I got home I already had an email from the nurse giving me the results of the 2 hour GTT.  I PASSED!  NO MORE DIABETES!!  My fasting was 87 and my 2 hour was 112.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but know that I will forever have changed my eating habits and will always be thinking about diabetes.  I know that I am at a higher risk now for type-2 diabetes, so I have even more incentive to stay healthy.

Today was a good day.  B has been doing better the past few days.  I have a more thorough update of him that I need to write, but I hear him stirring from his nap so I need to get back to mommy duty.  

For fun, here are some before and after shots of my mangled belly.  Something to work my ass off for.    I am jealous of my old body!  Enjoy!

Today has been a much better day than yesterday was.  Last night after work I did have another breakdown.  I'll get to what brought this on in a minute (yesterday basically sucked, big time).  Luckily I have some really awesome and amazing friends.  I went over to one of my friend's houses last night and when I got there I was crying.  When I left, I was laughing.  I am so lucky to have the support that I have so close to me.  :)

Last night I did an experiment.  I woke up at 12:30 PM and had a snack of 1 graham cracker w/ a heap of peanut butter, sprinkled with cinnamon.  This morning my blood sugar reading was 89 (barely under 90, but I made it!!).  I had breakfast and cut out the raspberries.  I had a little more peanut butter.  My 1 hour reading was 107 and I had minimal issue getting blood out of my finger (yesterday it was 131, should be under 140).  Baby steps, I guess.

I have an appointment scheduled with my Endo for Monday.  I am probably being overly cautious, but I do not want to do anything that might put this poor babe in harm's way.

A few other non-related to GD topics:

Baby Shower
The reason why I was so upset last night has to do with one of my 4 showers (yes, I had 4 wedding showers and now I am having 4 baby showers, too).  The shower is being thrown by MIL/SIL, which is very nice of them, don't get me wrong.  A few months back, my husband contacted them because he was concerned that there wasn't going to be a shower.  Period.  MIL said she would plan something with their side of the family, where she lives (several hours away), but stated that she had plenty of time to work out the details.  I knew nothing about this.  A few weeks ago my sisters let me know that they were scheduling one for me, near my house.  My mom also told me that she was having a proxy shower for me in my hometown that I obviously will not be attending.

Originally, the MIL/SIL shower was going to be the second week of Feb., so I booked to have maternity photos taken at the same time at MIL's house.  Then they changed it to 1/26, then to 1/27, then back to 1/26, so I have to cancel the photo shoot.  They sent out virtual invites and FB invites last week.  Call me old fashioned, but that made me upset.  Like they didn't have the time or desire to make real ones.  They invited some of my friends that live near me, this week.  They invited friends that were already invited to other shower, which was confusing to my friends and they felt bad for not being able to attend since they had not yet received the other paper invite from my sisters.  They didn't invite other MIL (husband's step mother).  After sending out the virtual invites they changed the date.  They haven't asked for my input on food so I probably won't be able to eat anything.  Yesterday SIL informed me that only 6 people can make it to that shower (not including MIL/SIL) and she was wondering if I wanted to just cancel it.  None of my FIL's side can make it apparently.  How depressing.  I am not even sure what to do about this situation.  I don't want to go anymore.  I am not sure why they even offered to throw a shower if they were not really interested in putting thought into it.  Ugh.

Another Pregnancy Announcement
Those of you that have been following my blog for a while might remember me mentioning a girl at work who really upset me when she commented on my "size" after my first miscarriage.  Basically she asked me if I was pregnant in front of other co-workers after I had already told her, behind closed doors when she asked, that I was not.  I was humiliated by that.  She has since apologized and I have moved on.  She has become a friend actually and was very supportive earlier on in my pregnancy, surprisingly.

Over the past few months we have talked about her and her lack of a desire to get pregnant, but her husband having the opposite desire.  She talked about her reasons for not wanting kids, none of which I could ever relate to.  They have money.  She is my age, but still likes to party and go out regularly.  She used to smoke.  She doesn't eat that healthy and exercises sporadically, but she is really thin and pretty.

I found out today from another co-worker that sits by her that she is pregnant.  13 weeks or so.  She hasn't mentioned it to me.  I was supposed to have lunch with her today, where I assumed she would tell me, but she cancelled at the last minute saying she had to meet with a Realtor.

Hearing news of the pregnancy made me insanely jealous.  She hadn't been trying for long at all, based on our earlier discussions.  She didn't even want to get pregnant and didn't really know how she felt about being a mom and losing her "freedom".

I'll end this with the email trail that husband and I shared this morning regarding this discovery...


From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 8:48 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right…over 12 weeks preggo…  is it bad that it kind of stings?

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:54 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t understand this comment, right about what?  What stings?

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:58 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right that she is pregnant.  Just that it was so easy for her and she didn’t really want it that bad to begin with.  Also because she isn’t the healthiest.  I dunno.  It is irrational.  This is why I see a therapist.

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:05 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t think it’s irrational at all.  It’s not a feeling you want to dwell on or think about too much, but it’s not irrational.  Just be happy with where we’re at.  I’d rather have gone through what we have gone through and have a baby who is going to be adored than to be on the fence about it and then be stuck with a baby like it or not.  Very soon we will have a beautiful little baby boy and nothing else in the world will matter.

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
This is one of the many reasons why I love you. :-)

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I love you too, sooo much. :-)

Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

Thanks so much for the nice wishes and support everyone.  I am still sort of in a state of confusion.  I am very happy and excited but somewhat paralyzed by my fear and anxiety of another miscarriage.  I am trying to hard to be optimistic this time, but it is tough.  I think I am doing better, though, all things considered.  I now have sore boobs, I am peeing a lot, and have I mild cramping and pulling pain in my stomach.  I am going to try to take these as good signs. 

Yesterday we had a day long group therapy session with husbands included.  I was surprised that I didn't have to beg my husband to go.  He went quite willingly.  It was a little awkward for me, having just found out I was pregnant the day before, but I have decided that I am not ready to tell anyone in the group yet.  We actually signed an agreement that we would tell the group leader first if we found out we were pregnant.  She will then tell our buddy first and then we can decide when to tell the rest of the group.  I haven't decided when I am going to tell her.  I am definitely not there yet.

Back to the session from yesterday...We started out the day introducing ourselves to the group again, since many of the men were there for the first time.  After that we did 90 minutes of Hatha yoga with our husbands.  It sounds kind of cheesy, but it was really nice.  We also did some couples massage.  It was quite relaxing and enjoyable.  The teacher was really good and very patient with many of the first time yogis.

After the session we had lunch and then we watched a video called "The Joy of Stress" by Loretta LaRoche.  It was quite humorous and made even more humorous by the look of the people sitting in the audience.  If you want a good stress relieving laugh, I would recommend watching this.

After the video we each got large sheets of paper and were asked to draw our life on a timeline with the past, present, and future included.  Then we were supposed to share it with our husbands.  My husband and I both we reminded how lacking me are in the drawing department, but we had fun putting everything on paper.  The point of exercise was to show that what is happening right now in your life is just a blip on the radar compared to everything else that you have experienced and will experience.  I definitely understood the point when I saw the sad events in my life as small slices of a much larger pie.

Our last exercise of the day required each couple to head off in a different direction for some quiet and privacy.  We each spent time talking about something we learned/loved about the other person, something we learned/loved about ourselves, and then something we learned/loved about us as a couple.  It was a really nice way to end the day.  We both felt nice and relaxed afterwards and glad that we went.

Today I have acupuncture and another group session tonight.  I am pretty tired, but know that both of these events will help me.  I am going to go in for my first beta tomorrow morning.  I feel my anxiety kicking in as I write this.  Ugh.  I hate going there!  I am trying to tell myself that there is very little I can do other than eat healthy, get rest, get light exercise, and relax.  I can't prevent another chromosomal problem at this point.  What will be, will be.  Hopefully what I have done up until now has made this embryo healthy and sticky.  

I'm baaaack!  I have a lot of catching up to do as I have missed several days of reading my favorite blogs.  That combined with work that I missed last Friday and my training at work this whole week is going to make me quite busy this week. 

The trip was AWESOME.  Just what we needed.  Usually vacations seem to go so fast, but this one actually seemed way longer than just 2 1/2 days.  We spent most of our time just relaxing on the beach and swimming in the warm water.  We walked around quite a bit, too.  The weather was fantastic on both Friday and Saturday. 

While we were these I barely thought about TTC or babies.  I feel like when I am away from my day-to-day life here, I always feel better about things.  I found myself at one point while we were out to dinner actually being ok with where I am.  We were sitting on a deck overlooking the Inter-Coastal Waterway, a light breeze blowing, steel drums playing in the background, and munching on crab legs and conch fritters, just me and my hubby.  Honestly, at that point in time, there was no where else I would have rather been.

Yesterday was a much better day than the previous day.  I went to acupuncture at lunch and felt so incredibly relaxed afterwards.  I guess I should thank my husband for encouraging me to stick with it.  :-)

After work I headed straight to my group therapy session.  I was able to meet my "buddy" for the first time in person, though we had conversed over email already.  She is quite a few years older than me, but still seemed really upbeat about things even though her situation seems much more daunting than mine at this point in time. 

We spent the first part of session "spilling our guts".  A few girls came forward with personal stories about how infertility was constantly affecting their lives (waves hand).  Tissues were passed around.  I didn't speak, but listened today.  I wasn't really in a sharing mood at that point.

After our conversation the leader turned down the lights and we did some guided relaxation.  I was very skeptical at first and my mind kept wandering, but after a few minutes of feeling my breath and relaxing the mentioned parts of my body, I became deeply relaxed.  It was almost as good of a feeling as I get after acupuncture.

Once the relaxation exercise was complete, we split up into groups and did a listening exercise.  Each person would talk for 4 minutes straight without being interrupted.  The one-sided conversation consisted of each of us talking about the relaxation techniques we had used the previous week, but then switched to talking about our cycles and where we were in this "journey".  It was so awesome talking to two girls who totally understood everything I was saying!

As a closing exercise, we did some mini-relaxations.  The group leader encouraged us to try one longer relaxation every day and as many mini-relaxations as we could fit in.  I would encourage everyone to try this!  It only takes a few minutes and makes you feel more relaxed and less anxious immediately.

Happy Friday everyone!  I am so happy that this week is almost over.  I am sort of in an ADD type of mood and have a short attention span this morning and should be working so I am going to dish out some bullets again with a twist.  I am also categorizing my bullets this time..haha.

My Cycle State

• I am currently at cd 9 and just finished up my last Femara pill for the cycle.  I am hoping to ovulate around cd 14 this time...come on ovaries, you can do it!
• I am going to take Mucinex starting tomorrow.  I am not sure if I am going to take it once or twice a day.  Suggestions?
• I am going to try the SMEP this month since apparently just having sex every day didn't work which is this if you don't already know (from http://www.pregnancyloss.info/):

• Today I feel good, as I usually do before I ovulate.  I have a positive attitude thanks to my friends who are consistently cheering me on.  I have had an eventful week filled and had lots of different "information" being thrown at me.  Thanks to everyone who commented with advice on all of that.  I sincerely appreciate it all no matter what your opinion.  I am still trying to decide exactly what I am going to do with all of this info...

• I have been walking the past few days.  4 miles one night, 1.5 miles the next night, and 3 miles last night.  My dog is very happy and even though I feel bored while doing it.  It hasn't been that bad.  I do msis running every time I see a runner though.
• I have had a small dish of Ben & Jery's Cookie Dough icecream for the past 2 nights in a row and switched to 2% Greek yogurt.  That is about as far as I have gone with the fat thing. 

• One of my dear friends just gave birth to her 2nd child today.  She struggled with RPL before giving birth to her first daughter.  I am so incredibly happy for them.  Mommy and baby are doing great!
• Next Friday I am meeting some of my friends for a "girls night".  This will include my friend that got pregnant by accident, was upset that she was pregnant, and had her "perfect" baby in the late winter.  I have 2 sessions of my group next week so I am hoping I can figure out a coping strategy to avert a potential meltdown.  I need to see her...I haven't since a month or two before she gave birth.  I am finally going to rip off this bandaid. 
• We are finishing up painting my dining room this weekend!  Next we need to re-do the floors in both the living room and dining room.

Whew!  It has been a whirlwind past several days.  I feel like I haven't had time to myself in forever!  I feel like I have been using lots of bullets lately, but I think that it is probably the best way to catch up at this point rather than writing a novella!  :-)

• It all started on Thursday with the movie shoot.  I had to be on location at 8 AM to sign lots of papers and go through wardrobe.  They told us to wear mom clothes with the essence of Kmart/ JCPenney.  Too bad, I own nothing from either place and am not a mom.  :(  Luckily I own a few things from Ann Taylor that I was able to piece together. I passed through wardrobe without a costume change!  After that I sat.  I sat for hours...until about 7 PM.  Luckily I knew someone there and I made several friends.  Finally they called us to the set around 7 and then it was more sitting as we filmed a dance recital scene at an elementary school.  We were filming for about 4 1/2 hours.  I didn't leave the location until midnight!  The good news is that I think I might be in the movie!!  I was seated right behind the stars of the movie and was in the last group to leave for the night.  All and all it was a good experience.  I think that was the first and last movie that I am going to take part in though!
• I ended up not going to work on Friday since I got home so late and didn't have any time to pack for my trip.  I had to rush around to get everything ready and then meet my sister to catch the train.  The weekend was really nice, but the 90 plus degree heat every day was a little bit much.  We walked around a lot, enjoyed some good food, and had some good conversation.  We got to meet my sister's boyfriend's parents who were really nice.  I am seeing a ring in her not so distant future!  The ride home yesterday was long due to bad weather.  Our train was about an hour delayed so I got home pretty late and didn't even have time to unpack. 
• It is nice to say that I really didn't think too much about babies, pregnancy, or lack of pregnancy at all this past weekend.  Cycle-wise, I am pretty sure that I am out, though.  My temps were weird all weekend and kept going down.  They were back up today, but I just have a feel that this is not our month.  I have slightly sore breasts, cramps and PMS.  I am also so tired, but that is probably just because of my busy weekend.  One more thing that I have noticed is a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen.  Fabulous!  I have not tested yet.  I am only at 11 dpo and trying to stay strong.  Friday is supposed to be blood test day, but I am out of the office and since my doctor is near my work, if I get my period before then and take a negative test on my own, I am not going for the blood-work.  I hate waiting for a call that I know is to tell me that I am NOT PREGNANT. 

Yesterday I woke up in a terrible mood and all because of one stupid thing, my temperature.  It is amazing how I can let something like a temperature ruin almost an entire day.  I would love to say that this is the first time that this has happened to me, but that wouldn't be true.  There have been many times in the past 6 months where my temperature has caused me so much stress, anger, and confusion.  What has my life come to?!

Explaining how I feel to anyone who isn't temping or hasn't temped wouldn't make any sense.  So many people I know tell me to stop doing it and to stop trying.  I am not going to even get into the whole "stop trying and it will happen" thing or the "I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant".  Temping is one of the only things that I feel, in my situation, helps me feel like I have some perceived level of control.  The past year of my life has been so outside of my control, so it feel like being able to at least track what my body is doing helps give me some comfort.  I know I really have no control over what my body does (that is obvious to me at this point!), but I know when/if I have ovulated and when I am going to get my period.

We put the cats in the basement last night so I had a much better night's sleep.  I slept until just a little while before my alarm went off at 4:30 AM.  I took my temp and then went right back to sleep.  I am a big fan of the recall button.  I am working from home today so I got to go back to sleep for another 2 hours.  When I woke up I was filled with so much anxiety about what my temp would be.  Turns out it was much higher.  Now I am thinking that I may have ovulated yesterday and my temp from Wednesday was a fluke because of my quick illness.  I have not yet thrown out a temperature, but I am thinking of doing that with Wednesday's.  Advice would be appreciated!

Today is a better day.  I have a little more hope for this cycle even though I have a feeling that this isn't going to be it.  It is Friday, we are going out with friends tonight, it is going to be a nice and warm weekend.  Now I just need to remember to breathe.  I shouldn't let me days be defined by a wacky temperature.  There is so much more to life than that.

Lately my life seems to shift back and forth between good days and bad days.  These good and bad days usually have something to do with not being pregnant or not having a baby.  Luckily, the string of good days has gotten longer with just a few bad days sprinkled in here and there.  About a month and a half ago, all of my days were bad.  I guess time is healing me somewhat.

I am still constantly playing games with myself.  For example, some mornings I wake up and think, "Wow.  It isn't really that bad not having a child.  I can get up and get myself ready.  I don't have to worry about anyone other than myself.  I can go to the gym after work."  Then I will pass a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn on my walk to work and I will have immediately lost my sense of well being and will return to my state of childless depression.

Sometimes I even have good days that turn into bad days...like yesterday.  Yesterday I went for a run.  The temperature was perfect, low humidity, and a nice breeze.  I felt good while running.  I felt at peace with everything.  Then I started to see (I kid you not) throngs and throngs of pregnant women or women with infants/young children.  Most of the women that I saw actually looked like teenage moms.  Many of them with 2 babies along with 2 or 3 other teenage mommies with several babies.  Not even paying attention to the kids and just yaking on their phones or listening to their ipods.  I don't know why, but that aggravates me like crazy.  **WARNING- TIME FOR IRRATIONAL VENT**  Why them and not me??  What am I being punished for?  Being responsible?  Making sure I have a place for a baby to sleep, money to buy food and clothes for the baby, and the desire to actually be a parent??!?  They can be irresponsible and get knocked up by some random Joe (or multiple random Joe's) while they are in high school and I can't seem to stay pregnant after finishing school, getting a good job, getting married, and buying a house!!  WTF?!?!  Not fair!  AHHHHHHH!  **END OF IRRATIONAL VENT**

I guess I am only human and will continue to have these days until I am finally able to hold a healthy baby in my arms.  Until then my life is going to continue to be a string of good days and bad days.  Sigh.  Happy Friday.