Last year on October 15, I had enough time on my hands to go out to the store to purchase 3 candles, which I lit in honor of my three babies that never made it into my arms.  This year, I didn't have time to get anything new, but thankfully, those candles that I bought for last year are still sitting on a self in my dining room.  We lit them around 7 PM, right after putting B down for the night (he must have known mommy needed to do something because he fell asleep so fast).  Those candles have been lit and put in the center of the table during all of the holidays that we celebrate in our home.  It gives me comfort for some reason, knowing that my three babies are with me, in spirit.

I think that I have mentioned this is a prior post, but I feel like I think about my lost babies less and less now that I have B.  He keeps me busy all the time and brings us so much joy and happiness.  Maybe this is just the normal progression of things when you are dealing with a loss.  After all, I lost my Dad more than seven years back and while I do think about him on certain occasions (like the holidays and his birth/death dates) , I feel like it isn't as often as it used to be.  This is also sad.

I am thankful to Robyn Bear for setting aside a day to remember those babies who were conceived, but never made it into this world.  Since the generally recognized statistic is 1 in 4 women having a miscarriage sometime in their life, there are so many babies that deserve at least a moment of remembrance.  So many women still don't feel comfortable with being open about their feeling regarding the loss of unborn or stillborn babies.  I think this is due to the fact that there are a lot of people out there who don't think that dealing with the loss of someone you didn't actually get to meet isn't the same as losing someone who was living on the earth for even a short period of time.  Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn baby knows that isn't true at all.  From the moment you see the pink line on the pregnancy test, that baby is a part of your life and you start the mother/child bonding process.  I am not sure if I have ever seen a love as strong as that of love that a mother has for her child, born alive or sleeping.  The grief that ensues after losing a baby cuts deep and often the grief is kept inside because it isn't (generally) socially accepted.

Yesterday, I noticed quite a few people putting up FB messages regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  It is sad to know that so many have been touched by it, but it is nice to see people opening up about it and sharing their grief with others.  The more we are open about this and talk about it, the better we will feel.

I am lucky to have found some incredibly amazing ladies to share my grief with in that of a group of girls from BBC back in 2011 that helped me deal with my losses, a group of girls on FF in 2012 who helped me get through my pregnancy with B, and so many lovely ladies through the creation of this blog that have stuck with me through thick and thin.  I never would have managed without the support group that I have had.

I want to say thank you again to everyone who has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life and has understood that I lost my babies and didn't just suffer three "missed abortions".  Thank you for continually keeping me in your thoughts and cheering me on in the good times and the bad times.  I am eternally grateful to you all.  To those of you that were honoring your missed babies last night, I am thinking of you all, too.  They may be gone from this earth, but they will never ever be forgotten.  XOXO    

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I can't believe that little B is already 20 days old.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching him wiggle around on the ultrasound screen.  Time really does fly.  I think that sleep deprivation makes things go even faster, if that is possible.  The days and nights are all blurred into one long never ending  day.  I LOVE the weekends because I have my husband home to help me.

Even though I am only 20 days in, I have already learned a lot.  I know every baby is different, but I'll outline a few of the main things that I have learned already.  It might help some of the new mommies or soon-to-be mommies.  Having different perspectives is always helpful!  These are my experiences and may not be what you will experience so please keep that in mind!

1.  Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that you will experience.  All of those silly people who told me to "rest up" and "bank my sleep" seriously had no clue what they were talking about.  You can't stockpile sleep and if you could, being huge and pregnant doesn't lend well to sleeping anyways.  Once the baby is born, you can say goodbye to more than 3 hour stretches of sleep at a time, at least for the first few weeks.  Napping during the day doesn't really help, in my experience.  I wake up groggy and confused.  During B's first few days, I had to wake him up to feed him so he could regain back to his birth weight.  Once I stopped setting my alarm every 2 1/2 hours, he started waking me up every 2 hours on his own, go figure.  It is actually quite amazing that one can function with 3 total hours of broken sleep a night.

2.  Hormones are a BITCH.  I can go from so happy and grateful to angry and upset in 10 seconds.  I wake up at night drenched in sweat.  I have a very short fuse.  My hair is falling out, but not as bad as it did after my first miscarriage.  My beautiful pregnancy skin (yes, this was one area where I was lucky) has given way to a greasy broken out mess.  I look at B and I cry sometimes because he is so perfect and I feel like I don't deserve him.  I feel like I am not nearly as good of a mother as my mother was.  I never heard her complain about getting up in the middle of the night with any of my brothers or sisters.  I never heard to cry over sleep deprivation and when a baby would not stop crying.  My mother was a saint.  God bless her.

3.  Nursing is hard and good nursing friendly clothing is hard to come by, apparently.  During the first few days of nursing, when my milk came in, I was in a tremendous amount of pain.  My boobs felt like painful rocks.  I even ran a slight temperature.  I called my mom crying and she told me it was all normal and that it would pass in a day or two.  She was right.  Then came the sore nipples and scabs.  Yes, sounds gross, but this is what happened to me.  My nipples felt like they were going to fall off so I alternated feedings with the nipple shield.  Yes, it was a pain in the ass to clean and make it stay on, but it helped when I felt like throwing in the towel.  The scabs caused some clogged ducts, which felt like huge painful lumps.  Massaging and hovering over the baby to feed for a few sessions helped with this.  Rock hard boobs, calloused nipples, and clogged ducts gave way to a crazy milk supply.  I was worried about not producing enough when, in fact, I have a great supply.  I even have an overactive letdown which sometimes causes little B to choke because the milk comes spraying out!  This brings me to nursing clothes.  I bought a few nursing tanks at T.arget that I love and then a few more online.  Regular shirts are just useless right now, even if you have a good nursing bra (I recommend the B.ravado seamless bra).  I ordered a few more from T.arget the other day and they cancelled my order saying they are no longer in stock even though when I look online it says that have them.  I would recommend nursing tanks for wearing to sleep and around the house.  Buy a bunch because you'll find that you need to change 2-3 times a day for various reasons (baby spit, milk dripping, explosive poops, etc.).

4.  C-section recovery sucks.  I still am angry and feel cheated.  Please don't judge me.  I know I should just be happy I have my baby, but every time I think about my awful birth experience, I cry.  My husband keeps telling me to get over it and he is right.  I need to move on.  I think I might need to go back to see my therapist.  Similarly to how I was when I was having trouble staying pregnant, I am jealous of other people's seemingly perfect birth experiences and easy recoveries.  I know that this probably is not normal.  Physically, my incision is healing well, but all of my past rub right at that spot.  I haven't found any that are comfortable.  I also still look pregnant.  This is the most bothersome to me.  I have lost 35 lbs, but yet I still have this swollen belly that is covered in stretch marks.  I have no idea if this is normal and if it will go away.  I can't lift more than 15 lbs. so that really restricts what I can do and where I can go.  I just want to feel normal, look normal, and enjoy my baby without all of the restrictions.

5.  You'll never love anything as much as you love your baby.  This one is so very true.  My friends did warn me about this and I wasn't sure I believed them, but now I know that they were right.  No matter how much they fuss or cry or spit up or pee/poop all over you the love that you feel for them is so unconditional and immense.  I look at him and I cry because I love him so much.  It is so amazing to me how much you can love such a tiny little human so much.  He really makes everything else that sucks so bad, worth it.  I would go through all this crap 100 times over if I had to do it to get him.                  

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