Old habits die hard...case and point...using Baby Connect to document my son's sleep, diapers, nursing, and my pumping nearly 16 months after his birth.  This past weekend, I quit using it cold turkey because it has just gotten too hard to guarantee that my husband and MIL are going to using it with any regularity.  I was tired of logging in and seeing that B was still "asleep" 12 hours and 52 minutes later since no one bother to "mark him as awake".

It was weird to be done with it, to put it simply.  I think I have been holding on to it in hopes that I could slow down the crazy fast progression of time and keep my baby little.  I know it sounds really silly, but since I have been tracking his nursing/sleeping/diapering habits since shortly after his birth, it is sad to me to not be doing it anymore.

To any prospective new moms out there, Baby Connect is a fabulous tool to track your baby's eating, drinking, sleeping, diapers, medical information, etc.  It is especially good for those analyst moms out there, like me, that like to see trends, irregularities, and inconsistencies in the form of charts and graphs.  Seeing sleep regression or a nursing strike on paper?  Helps you understand why you fell asleep on your desk yesterday or why you have yet another, clogged duct today.

 More than just tracking the basics, as mentioned above, I have basically used Baby Connect in lieu of a "baby book".  I have several baby books on the shelf that have collected a ton of dust because I have (guiltily enough) never so much as opened them.  I know that the first time that B smiled (for real) was on May 23, 2013 @ the ripe old age of 1 month and 5 days.  He got his first tooth on August 15, 2013 at 3 months and 27 days.  He said "Dada" on November 6, 2013 at the age of 6 months and 18 days.  I'll stop boring you with any more details about B's firsts.  :)

Another great feature of Baby Connect was the "Medical" section where you could document doctor's visits, illnesses, temperatures, and medicine dosage/distribution.  It was seriously invaluable to know what time I last gave B infant's Tylenol and what dosage that I gave him.  It was also great to take with me to the doctor's office so that when they asked me what his temperature was, I could easily whip out my phone and show them.  This is one aspect of Baby Connect that I am going to continue using.  I like seeing the percentiles and growth on a chart.  Yes, this is the analyst particles in my blood.

Wow, reading this back, it totally sounds like I am a Baby Connect sales rep.  Hahaha.  I can honestly tell you that I am not, although if someone high up at Baby Connect is reading this, I would love to work for you, so please email me!  :)

So, as I wipe away a few tears and try to embrace the fact that my baby is now a toddler, I will leave you with some of the charts that Baby Connect has compiled for me from the past few months.  This mommy thing is so hard; and I don't mean that because of the lack of sleep, lack of personal time/space, etc.  It is hard because, as much as you want your child to grow and thrive, it is so tough to let go of your baby.  Looking back at pictures of his baby self and remembering how "tiny" he was and how great he smelled.  Sigh.  I guess this is why people have more than one child.  ;)

I leave you with some summary graphs and charts from Baby Connect...enjoy!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

This is the second Mother's Day weekend that I have been lucky enough to celebrate with my family.  Last year at this time, I had pretty much just given birth and was still coming out of that first month, baby induced fog.  This year I was actually able to spend the weekend hanging out with my family and the beautiful weather that we had made things that much more enjoyable.

We started the weekend off by doing a family 5K.  My husband agreed to run with the baby in the jogger so that I could test out my newly conditioned wheels.  I am so grateful to him that he let me run the race sans baby because I ended up PRing by 46 seconds!  That doesn't sound like a lot to most people, but my previous fastest 5K was 20:51.  I hit 20:05 (6:27 pace!) at this 5K, almost making my goal race time of under 20 minutes.  Ahhhh I was so close!  I think I am heading in the right direction though.  I hope that I can make up 6 seconds on my next race.

My husband the the baby did great, too!  I felt bad though because there was a definite head wind on the part of the course and running with the jogger is like running with a parachute tied to your back...very difficult.  Even still, they finished under 29 minutes, so I was very proud of them both!

After we ran the race, we hung around for a bit to see the results of the race.  Turns out that I got 3rd place in my age group, so I had to hang out to receive my medal.  The three of us were hanging out near the car because it was still a little chilly and windy.  The baby was sitting in the driver's seat, I was in the passenger's seat, and my husband was standing next to the car.  The baby was playing with anything that he could get his little hands on: Daddy's cell phone, a pen, the car keys...

I announced to my husband that I was going to run to the bathroom and that he would need to keep a close eye on the babe.  He nodded and I sprinted to the loo.  I unsuccessfully tried to get into the passenger's side of the car; the door was locked.

"Hey!  Unlock the car!" I yelled to my husband over the car.

He attempted to open the driver's side door with no luck.

"Ummmmm it's locked!" he exclaimed.

"Haha" I said.

"No really, it's locked.  B is locked in the car" he said.

Oh gawd...for real?  

He had done, what he thought, was close the door partially to let someone through, when he actually latched the door.  B had apparently used the car keys to lock the door while he was playing.

There was little B, sitting in the driver's seat of the car, smiling and waving to his freaked out parents.

"What do we do???" my husband asked.

"Call the police!" I said with agitation in my voice.

"My phone is in the car.  Use your phone!" he said.

"My phone is in the car, too!  Go ask someone if you can use their phone!" I said.  Then I spotted two police officers that had been directing race traffic and I made a beeline for them.

I frantically interrupted their conversation and uttered a few key words including: baby, locked, and car.  The officers quickly shifted into business mode and ran over to the car with me.  There was little B, in the front seat, with both hands on the wheel, and smiling at us all.

"Push the unlock button!" one of the police officers yelled to him.  His selective hearing kicked in; he was only interested in enjoying his alone time in the car and had no desire to try to figure out how to break himself free.

"I think we are going to have to call the fire department" the other officer decided.  He radioed to the nearest station and they were on there way.  Not more than 5 minutes later the fire truck had made its way to the race parking lot.  The group of people who had gathered for the race awards ceremony stared at the ruckus that we were making.

B had a blast watching the firefighters prop open the door with a balloon looking things and then unlock the door with a long coat-hanger-looking-thingy.  Poof!  The door was opened and my devious little wanna-be-driver was free.  He looked up at all of us staring at him and cheering and then he started clapping for himself.  It was priceless.

We thanked the police and firemen and then headed over to the award ceremony.  With lots of awkward stares, I accepted my age group medal, and then we headed home.  If this is a preview of coming attractions (with regards to how B is going to be as a toddler), we are in serious trouble!!

Wishing all the mommies with babies in their arms, babies in their bellies, and babies in heaven a very Happy Mother's Day!  You are all amazing.  xoxo

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

2 Comments »

I wrote most of this post a few weeks ago, but got sidetracked and never posted it.  This past weekend, we celebrated my son's first birthday by having a rather large party with family and friends.  It was a really great time.  I was so proud to see my little son interacting with others and hamming it up for the camera.  Admittedly, those happy and proud feelings were mixed with a strong sense of sadness.  Sadness of no longer having a "baby".  Sadness because time moved so so fast during the past year.  Sadness because he may have been my only baby.

Without further ado, here is my post...

My son's first birthday is approaching the station like an out of control train.  I want it to slow down, it is going too fast.  No matter what I do though, the train is going to keep moving with my baby and I on it.  I blinked and my "tiny" 9lb 2oz sleepy baby was an over 22lb babbling little man.  Sound a little dramatic?  Maybe so.  Maybe not for mommies who are either done having children or are not sure that they will (be able to) have another.

This past week, I have been quite the weepy mess.  People mention to me about the impending birthday and I put on an ecstatic front of happiness when in fact I am actually filled with sadness.  Every time I think about my baby turning one, my eyes well up with tears.  Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy that I have a very healthy and happy almost 1 year old, but I am sad because this may be it for me as far as babies go.  I'm just not sure that another baby is in the cards for us.  He may be my first and last baby.

When I think back to all of the firsts that I saw my baby accomplish, I wonder, did I really appreciate that enough?  The first time that I looked into his eyes?  The first time that he smiled at me?  The first time that he belly laughed?  The first time he babbled "dada"?  Was I really present enough?  Did I really appreciate all of his firsts?

I also have some mommy guilt over some things that I have not done, or have done differently than I had originally planned.  His baby book sits within the living room coffee table almost completely untouched and instead Baby Connect holds most of the data from his first year.  The regular videos that I wanted to take with our video camera have turned instead into short clips on the iPhone.  The hand-print ornament that I was supposed to make for Christmas to put on the tree turned into a purchased one from Hallmark.

I am incredibly excited for the years to come.  They will be filled with many more firsts.  First hair cut.  First trip down the sliding board.  First day of school.  First read/written words.  There is so much fun stuff to look forward to, but there will be no more infant moments with him.  My little baby is growing up.  Soon he will be a toddler.  In creeps the sadness.

It is funny how, in those early days soon after B's birth, that the days seemed impossibly long.  I feared that I might not make it through.  Everything seemed so hard, so new, so scary.  My days revolved around breastfeeding every 2 hours and changing the right amount of mustard colored diapers.  Getting out for a walk was a monumental fete.  I would drive 40 minutes to Starbucks so that I could go to the drive-thru and not have to wake my sleepy baby.  Baby music class was my only social activity.  I barely recognized myself, both physically and mentally,  and some days I was worried that I might not be cut out for motherhood.  I was worried I might not be a great mother and that I was too selfish, to impatient, and much of a perfectionist.  Looking back on that, now, I realize that I was just transitioning from my individual self to my mommy self.  Everything was ok.  I wish I could go back and reassure myself  during those, sometimes bleak, days.  Everything was ok.  It really was.  Just different.  Maybe then I could have enjoyed those early moments with my son just a little bit more and I wouldn't have this nagging feeling that I may have missed out.  I can only hope that I did the best that I could at the time.

So now the first birthday has passed.  The first birthday party was a success.  The #1 candle was blown out and the presents were opened.  It's on to the future.  I'm not sure what it will hold, but I know that I am going to be present and I am going to enjoy it.  So I'll keep my secret quiet, for now, and hope that the sadness dissipates.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Maybe it is because we are fast approaching little B's first birthday?  Maybe it is because there has been a gush of pregnancy announcements (most of them 2nd or 3rd) in the past few weeks?  Maybe it is because the farther away I get from my whole infertility, terrible pregnancy, unplanned c-section experience, the less bad it seems?

Regardless of the reasons, it's happening.  Baby fever?  Not exactly.  I am torn.  Completely undecided on the idea of having another child.  Every time I make a decision in my head and think that it is the one that makes the most sense, I think of something to refute that decision and I'm back to square one.  What gives?

My husband is just as much on the fence as me.  He went from not wanting any kids, to wanting one child, to wanting for children, and now he isn't sure if he wants any more.  He really likes CrossFit (did you know???), knows that it takes lots of his time, and knows it already makes me resentful sometimes.  Why would he want to introduce another needy individual into the mix when we already struggle to keep everything together right now?

Google, "Should I have a second child?" and the results that you get won't really surprise you.  There are articles to support both decisions, although it seemed that there were definitely more articles that I found that supported the idea of "one and done".  I think that if you are looking to be convinced on the side that you are leaning towards, you will find what you want.  If you are completely undecided, like me, then the articles won't really help.

Why shouldn't you have more than one child?  Well first off, you'll be more wealthy than if you had more than one child.  Your child will be able to go to good schools, will be able to go to expensive summer camps, and you'll be able to take that family trip to Europe.  You'll have a nicer car and a nicer house.    

Another reason to only have one child?  You'll be happier, apparently.  There are several articles that I found, such as this one, that suggest that mother's of only children are the happiest.  Maybe this is because they ultimately have more time to devote to themselves and don't have to give *everything* up.  I would assume that this would ring even more true for mothers, like myself, who work full-time, exercise regularly, and have some semblance of a social life.  Life is already hard enough balancing the needs and wants of one high-maintenance child, that juggling all that with two children seems downright impossible to me.

Oh and you'll sleep more, that's for sure (unless you have my child).  Once you have successfully sleep trained one child (they say this happens eventually, but I am not convinced) then along comes the second and poof you are at square one again.  This is especially true since you'll be living in a smaller house and your kids will be sharing a room so when one of them wakes up, they both wake up.  Hugs for everyone!!  Please put on another pot of coffee!

Internet searches aside, I have seen my friends go from one child to two and for most of them, it hasn't been an easy transition.  They have less than no time to do anything that they have to do let along time to do things they want to do.  One of the children is always sick and then once one of the recovers, the other one gets it.  Someone is always crying.  The house is always messy with kids toys everywhere.  They have no time or energy to exercise.  I have even had several friends confide in me that if they could go back and do it again, they would not have had a second child.  I am not sure if there are lots of parents out there that feel this way or if I am just randomly lucky enough to know a few of them.

You would think that this knowledge, alone, might be enough to scare me away from the idea of a second child.  Just when I am making sense to myself regarding the idea of one child, this thought hits my head, "What happens if my husband and I die?  He will be all alone in the world.  How sad."  Those thoughts are accompanied by thoughts of, "He'll be a spoiled brat" and "He'll have imaginary friends", along with "I'll have to entertain him until he is 10 years old."

I knew only children growing up, in fact, one of my best friends from high school was an only child.  She is a very smart and incredibly nice person, but she definitely had an only child "diva" side that I saw on more than one occasion (albeit many, many, years ago).

The truth is that I don't know a ton of only children, but I do know of the stereotype.  Bratty, spoiled, entitled, lonely, bored, and overprotected.  I have also heard that only children are usually smarter and have lots of friends (probably because they have to or they will get bored!), though so it obviously mus not be all bad.

What I do have a ton of experience with is multiple child households, since I came from one and most of my friends came from households with more than one child.  There was always someone to play with, but also always someone to fight with (haha).  Now that I am grown up, I appreciate my siblings a lot.  They, especially the my 3 next youngest sisters, are my best friends.  We share tons of memories and inside jokes.  We have built in support systems when we need it.  We always have someone who we can cry to and who understands the full story because we really, really, know each other.  

Our neighbor has warned me over and over again, "Have your second (and third, and forth...) child before the other one is out of diapers because it will be hard in the beginning, but then much easier later on in life."  They have two girls that are about 20 months apart.  I feel like I can understand this logic.  You wouldn't want to wait too long in-between children because you want to be able to reuse your baby stuff and of course the art of diaper changing is easily forgotten!  ;-)

So what is the decision going to be?  I guess it just isn't as straight forward and will require more time.  Who knows, maybe we wouldn't even be able to have another child.  I guess that would solve the issue for us.  Or would it?  Would I become a jealous, second-baby-craving, mommy?  Would I revisit my RE and get put on meds again?  Would I become obsessed like last time?  Would I have more miscarriages?  Would I need more D&Cs?  What if I have another boy?  Would I want a girl instead?  After having two, would that be all or would I go for a third?  I am also heading into my mid-30s and we all know what happens to every woman's fertility at the age of 35.  Ahhhh sometimes I wish I could just shut off this side of my brain and let what will be, be.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

9 Comments »

Wow.  How is it possible that I now the parent to a 9 month old?  Where did the time go?  Yesterday we went to the doctor for his 9 month appointment.  He is now 29 inches and 21 pounds/13 ounces.  He is growing right along the 75th percentile curve, which the doctor was very happy with (especially since he is still mostly breastfed).  I'll give you his stats and then I'll tell you what the doctor said regarding those stats.

Physical
Can sit on his own.
Can go from his back or stomach to a sitting position.
Can pull himself to stand on his own (in his crib or on the ottoman).
Can army crawl backwards.
Can crawl forward one or two times (then gives up and sits).
Likes to use his thumb and first finger to make pinchers to pick up the tiniest things off of the floor.

Non-Verbal
Waves bye-bye when you wave to him.
Reaches for you when you ask if he wants "up".
Turns to look when you say "where is daddy" or "where is the dog/cat".

Verbal
Says "dada" on occasion.
Babbles when he is by himself (in his crib before he goes to sleep or when he gets up).
Screams/grunts/cries when he wants you to pay attention to him.

Food
Still breastfeeding or taking bottles of breast-milk every 3 1/2 -4 hours.
Wakes up at least once a night to breastfeed.
Loves pureed baby food including all veggies and fruits.
Gums baby teething biscuits.
Gags and throws up when eating anything that is semi-solid (bananas, avocado, egg yolks).

Sleep
Takes 1-2 naps a day ranging from 45 min to 2.5 hours.  Totally variable!
Has slept up to 9 hours straight, but averages about 6 hours straight.
Goes to sleep around 6:30 PM, usually.
Wakes up around 7 AM, usually.

Activities
Goes to music class once a week at his pre-school that he will start attending in the summer.
Takes swimming lessons once a week and love it!
Has occasional play-dates with my friend's children, although not enough of them!
Loves reading books before bed.
Loves playing with his toys.
Loves playing peekabo

So I am not sure if this is the picture of a "normal" 9 month old or not.  The doctor told me that she would like to see more in the way of verbal skills by this point although she was ok with the non-verbal.  She told me that if he didn't make a ton of progress by 12 months that she would refer him to early intervention.  I hope that he makes progress in the next 3 months, which seems like a long time to wait if there is an issue, but I guess that is just how things work.  She also told me to start pushing more real food and to continue giving him water in a sippy (which he just pours out all over himself).

I am trying to keep to the assumption that all babies develop at different rates.  What is "normal" for one baby might not be "normal" for another.  It is tough because we live in a society where everyone compares everything to something else.  I guess I'll jut wait it out like they say.  Anyone else have any experience with "delays" such as this in a 9 month old?    

As for the Paleo Challenge, I am still going strong with the diet, although I could really use a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of red wine.  Those cravings have NOT gone away as it was suggested that they would.  I am keeping up with the 2-3 days a week of CrossFit and 3-4 days a week of running, too.  I have also forgotten to pay my car payment, forgotten to pay the electric bill, and screwed up the electronic payment for the mortgage so that they assessed me a late fee and refused to take it off even though I made the payment on time, but the account somehow didn't get set up correctly.  Aye.

One really great thing that happened though, was that I "won" my first race, for the females and got 4th overall!  It was a small race, but still a great ego booster.  I am getting closer to breaking 20 minutes in the 5k!!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

Add a comment »

Before you get excited and defensive, the title of this post doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about my baby compared to yours, which is why it is in quotes.  Both of our babies are super fabulous, cute, and awesome.  Now that we have cleared that up, I'll start in on the post and the reason for the title.

During my years TTC and through the many miscarriages that I endured, the BBC (B.aby C.enter) website has helped me navigate some tough times.  When I was TTC, I used it to understand more about how to get pregnant.  When I had my first miscarriage, I found a great support group that I am still a part of this day (and have even met some of the ladies in it!).  When I was having issues keeping babies, I was referred to FF (F.ertility F.riend) to track my cycles, which took me to a whole different level of TTC knowledge.  When I finally became pregnant with B, I never joined but constantly read the posts from the April 2013 Birth Club.  When I thought my pregnancy was going wacky, I would no sooner than jump to the Birth Club page and find someone with a wackier pregnancy than mine.  It made me feel so much better.  All in all, BBC has provided me a knowledge, support, and entertainment for the past 2 1/2 years and for that I am extremely grateful (even though I am not a fan of their owners, Johnson & Johnson...barf).

Now that I have B, BBC has become my late night breastfeeding entertainment.  What else am I going to do at 2 in the morning other than read about how someone else's baby ate bananas for the first time and then had a green diaper which was evidenced in the post with a lovely picture?  Yes, this might make me a total loser for reading this crap, but it keeps me awake when I need to be and often provides me with a chuckle or something to chat with my husband about over dinner.

Yesterday, while perusing the halls of the April Birth Club, I happened to notice that there was a whole post dedicated to April babies and their accomplishments.  Yes, in case you didn't know it, babies in the age range of 6 months (plus or minus 2 weeks) should have already completed a long list of things on their "to-do" list.  This accomplishments list sparked my interest so I started casually scrolling through it.  The first thoughts that came to my mind were, "Holy $#!t, my baby is so far behind the other April babies" and then it was "Holy $#!t, my baby is huge compared to these peanuts".  Some of the things that the April mommies boast that there babies can do are as follows (in no particular order):

• "pulls himself up to a stand"
• "tries to walk"
• "started crawling at 5 months"
• "started saying mama and dada"
• "likes to drink water from a cup"
• "mimics sounds and words" 

I could keep going, but I'll stop.  the thread seemed like a total contest of my baby is more advanced than your baby.  With each post, it seemed like people were trying to out do one another.  I guess it is possible that these people have super advanced babies, but really, trying to walk?! Then I thought about the things that baby B is doing right now (at 5 3/4 months), which I had thought were great, and started to get worried that he is behind:

• "sitting almost completely unassisted" (will fall over if he is tired, so we sit him in the Boppy just in case)
• "has rolled in both directions, but doesn't do it frequently"
• "screams at a high pitch and babbles nonsense"
• "reaches for his toes"
• "reaches for toys, grabs them, then throws them at the floor as hard as he can"
• "jumps in the jumper" (he loves that thing)
• "smiles and laughs"
• "has 2 bottom teeth" (the only thing I think he is "advanced" with)
• "stands when completely supported"

If you are reading this and thinking that I am nuts, you have right to think so.  Most likely I am (but if you are only just realizing that now then I would be extremely surprised :-).  I wonder how many other new (or even not so new) mommies have similar concerns to mine and how you dealt with them.  Did any of you have kids trying to walk at ~6 months?  Is that for real?

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

4 Comments »

On Sunday night, my husband I and decided to get the babe ready for bed early so that we could go out to dinner at a new restaurant near our house.  We have done it several times before, get him ready for bed, snuggle him up in his bucket seat, drive around for a half hour and then have a peaceful and romantic dinner while B sleeps angelically.

This particular Sunday's routine was no different than usual.  As soon as my husband hit the gas, B was out cold.  We drove around for another twenty minutes for good measure.  We got lucky with an awesome parking spot and thought that the stars were aligning perfectly for our evening on the town as a threesome.  Haha.  Nice try, silly newbie parents, nice try.

The restaurant was pretty posh with a really cool looking circular bar in the center that was illuminated beautifully.  Just made me want to have a nice expensive glass of wine.  I had fed B about an hour before we left so I figured that I'd be good to have 1 glass before the next feeding.  Haha.  Riiiight.

Not 5 minutes after we were seated, the little angel babe decided he had enough of dreamland and woke up.  His eyes were wide open.  At first he kind of just looked around, but my husband and I knew better than to think he'd be content sucking on his pacifier while being entertained by the 7:30 PM trendy drinking crowd.  He soon started to fuss, then cry, then full-out wail.  My husbands attempts to rock the bucket did nothing.

The waitress came over to get our drink order.  I ordered a nice Cabernet and my husband ordered a beer.  Turns out my husband and I looked younger than our mid-thirty year old selves because we both got carded and oops my husband forgot his ID in the car.  The waitress insisted that she had to check his ID before serving him so he decided to go back to the car and take the baby to see if he might fall asleep on the walk.

Ten minutes later my husband came back in a huff.  Baby was still crying.  He was pissed.  I had already sipped my wine.  He sarcastically told me to enjoy it, and without giving me any time to ask what he was doing, promptly left with the screaming baby.

So there I was in the middle of the crowded restaurant, drinking a glass of Cabernet alone.  I took a sip of my glass of wine.  I had no idea what was going on so I called him.  He told me to order food to go for both of us and call him when it was done.  He said he'd be driving around until B fell asleep and would pick me up.  He told me to enjoy my glass of wine.

So yeah that's what I sort of did.  For the first time, I think ever, I sat at a restaurant table and drank by myself.  Normally I would have felt very uncomfortable about this new found situation, but this time, I found it actually quite nice to be alone.  I savored the wine and the peace.

I figured that I didn't have much time while the food was prepared so I pretty much slammed down the glass of wine.  By the time the food came, I was a little tipsy.  I called my husband and told him to pick me up.  He yelled over the crying baby that he'd be there in 2 minutes and to walk across the (busy) street to wait for him.  I jokingly said that I hoped that I wouldn't get hit by a car, knowing I was rather tipsy and in heels, and he hung up on me.  Nice.

B screamed all the way home.  My attempts to make him feel better by sitting in the back seat of the car did nothing.  He was, apparently, starving, and due to the fact that I had just chugged a glass of wine, I could not simply whip out a boob.  We dealt with the screaming until my husband put a bottle of breast milk in his mouth 20 minutes later.  

By the time we got the baby to sleep, the food was cold and neither of us felt like eating.  So much for a night of romance...  We are slowly but surely learning who the commander in chief of the family is these days and it most definitely isn't either of us.  

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

Add a comment »

I have reached a whole new level of sleep deprivation and exhaustion that I never knew existed.  Saturday I went to the grocery store for the sole purpose of getting walnuts to make a pesto for our salmon.  I managed to spend almost $50 and ended up forgetting to get freaking walnuts.  How embarrassed was I when I had to tell my husband that we were not going to have any pesto with dinner because I forgot it?  Oye.   

Many "concerned" people tried to warn me as soon as they found out that I was pregnant, that I would not be sleeping for at least the next 18 years.  I wanted to slap the $#!t out of those people.  Didn't they know that I had tried for so long to have a baby?  Sleep was the last thing that I cared about.  Of course babies don't sleep when you first bring them home, but they grow out of the waking multiple times a night and every thing is hunky dory.  Ha.

My little B has turned into quite the night-time party animal...drinking (breast milk of course!), arms flailing, talking, and laughing up a storm at 11:30 PM, 1 AM, & 3 AM.  All we need is some Jay-Z and we would have a regular dance party USA.  Now I have to get up for work at 4:30 AM, so this schedule is just totally sucking for me.  Last night I fell asleep at 9:30 PM and then was up at 11:30 PM and then for most of the rest of the night.  It is getting impossible to track his sleep on Baby Connect anymore because there are so many starts and stops.  Today my diary entry was "B doesn't sleep".  Enough said. 

I thought we were making progress when I was able to get him to go to sleep last night at 7:30 PM.  We followed his regular routine:

• Gave him a bath at 6:30 PM.
• Gave baby massage with lavender lotion.
• Read 2 books (well 1 1/2, because he got fussy half way through "Sweet Dreams Roo").
• Swaddled with 1 arm out.
• Sound machine on w/sounds of the womb.
• Laid him in his crib awake, but tired at 7:20 PM w/ pacifier.
• Sat in glider and watched him fidget and finally fall asleep at 7:30 PM.
• Woke up 45 min later and needed his arm pinned down for 1 minute before falling asleep until 11:30 PM.

I think I know what a few of the issues are here, I am just not sure how to correct them all...

1.  I think that part of the problem right now is the fact that once B wakes up, I bring him into our bed to feed him and 99% of the time I fall asleep doing it and wake up 2 hours later when he fusses.  I need to break out of this habit and put him back in his bed when he is done eating.  I think he just smells me and thinks it is time to eat again.  I need to get my lazy ass out of bed and walk the 10 feet to his bedroom to put him down in his crib. 

2.  He has developed the bad habit of getting distracted when eating during the day.  He now only eats for 2-4 minutes on a side during the day when I breast feed him.  He pulls off and looks at me and smiles.  OMG.  I love that smile, but I want to the kid to get most of his calories during the day so that I can sleep a little more at night.  He is over 16 lbs.  He should be able to go at least 5 hours in between feedings!

3.  He has serious gas at night.  My diet change has done nothing to help this.  I am counting down the days until we see the gastroenterologist. 

4.  He isn't really napping well, or should I say he isn't really napping at all.  He takes a 45 min- 1.5 hr nap in the morning and then that is pretty much it for the entire day.  He will nap on a walk or in the car, but he doesn't like to go to sleep in the afternoon because he is too busy doing things that almost 4 month old babies like to do (like trying to roll over and babbling up a storm).

Every morning I wake up and pray that tonight might be the night where I get 5 hours a uninterrupted sleep.  All I want is just 5 hours!!!  When I wake up sleep deprived and groggy I try to remind myself that this is just a phase, that he will grow out of.  When I see his smiling face for our 5:40AM scheduled feeding before work, it is tough to be too upset because he is just so freaking adorable.  Tomorrow I am working from home due to a scheduled GYN appointment for me and my "painful intercourse" issue (I'll have an exciting update about that tomorrow...haha), so I can "sleep" a little later.

Until I get my 5 hours of sleep, you'll find me sleeping under my desk...ZzzzZzzzZzzz.    

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

2 Comments »

Anyone who has read this blog for a while (let me thank you for doing that right now!) may remember the co-worker/friend that once made me feel like crap regarding my miscarriages, turned understanding about my miscarriages, turned secretive about her pregnancy, turned back into my preggo buddy.  You can get a little background here, here, and here if you are interested.  Well, her last week in the office was the week before I came back.  She was 38 weeks when she stopped coming in, which makes sense.  By the time I was 37 weeks I felt like a beached whale and stopped commuting, so I totally get it. 

The week before I went back to work, my husband, the baby, and I met up with her and her husband for dinner.  It was interesting to hear about how the last few weeks of pregnancy were treating her and how she thought she'd do once the baby was born.  They asked us questions and we gave them honest answers.  They even got to witness me breastfeed the baby at the dinner table.  They seemed prepared enough for the birth of the baby, although I heard rumors from other coworkers that she had the idea that she was going to be bored when she was on maternity leave. Haha.

Yesterday her "supervisor" mentioned to me that she went to the hospital and he thought she was in labor, at 39 weeks.  I sent her a text message mid-day to wish her luck.  By the time I got home from the gym last night, there was a picture posted to FB of her cute little bundle of joy.  She had a baby girl, 7lbs even. 

My first thought was wow, that little girl is super cute and looks like her dad...normal.  My second thought was why was this pregnancy and childbirth thing so easy for her when it was so difficult for me...not normal.  She went into the hospital a week early and half a day later had a healthy baby.  She had the normal pregnancy discomforts of itchy belly, swollen ankles, and fatigue.  She did get RLS at the end, but I would have taken that over PUPPPs any freaking day. 

I whined mentioned it to my husband about it and all he had to say was "don't be a hater".  Easy for him to say, right?  Then I thought to myself, why can I still not get past the feelings of jealousy surrounding pregnancy?  I have a healthy, cute, amazing little boy  and yet I still have to dwell on the fairness of it all.  Even when I am interacting with normal mommies of babies that are the same age as B, I still have this deep seeded sadness and envy.  I feel cheated in more ways than one.   

How nice would it have been to just get pregnant, enjoy the pregnancy, and have a regular, conventional, childbirth?  I still fantasize about this, but know that I'll never have that.  I feel like if I were to be lucky enough to get pregnant again in the future, I am doomed to diabetes, induction, and babies so big that they won't fit through my vag.  It isn't like i am wishing that anyone have difficulty getting pregnant, being pregnant, and/or giving birth.  It is not like that at all.  I just don't understand why so much had to happen to me, one person, while most people float through the whole process with nary a scratch. 

I hope someday I can just move on and focus on the good rather than dwell on the unfortunate events of the past.  Yes, a lot of bad shit happened to me over the past few years, but also, a lot of good things happened.  B is getting cuter by the day, which helps me to stop and refocus on the future and the fact that anything is possible. 

Yesterday, after giving him a bath, I realized that his "caves" were full of "bats" (a.k.a. tons of boogers in his nose).  I asked him if he had boogies in his nose and he started laughing.  I said it again and I got an awesome belly laugh.  My heart melted and thoughts about unfairness were quickly pushed to the back of my consciousness.  I guess everything happens for a reason.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

I have debated with myself lately about closing up shop with this blog because it is quite clear to me, and anyone else who used to read, that I rarely post any more.  The truth is that I barely have time to go to the bathroom anymore let alone sit down at a computer to type a collection of coherent thoughts a few times a month.

I miss blogging.  I miss my bloggie friends.  I feel like every time that I have a chance to actually sit down and read, I am so far behind in each blog that I have to go back many posts to catch up.

So here goes, one last try.  If I can't pump out 4 posts by August 23rd then it is time for me to move on.  Stay tuned!

The past two weeks have been really tough for me.  This past Monday was my first day back in the office, full-time.  Last week I spent preparing to be back in the office so that this week would be less stressful for me.  I think I cried every night last week when I would hold my baby, thinking to myself about how unfair it is that I can't spend my days with him instead of going to work every day.  Mommy guilt is such a strong force.  That in combination with the sleep deprivation can be a recipe for disaster.  In the last 3 nights, I think I have had a combined 5 hours of sleep.  I passed out cold on my train ride this morning. 

My sister is graciously nannying for us.  We are so incredibly thankful to have someone with an early childhood education background watching out son.  This has not been without its challenges though.  She is several years younger than me and has spent the last 2 years in a third world country teaching underprivileged children.   Going from an unstructured and stress free life to a regular routine (complete with a schedule and documenting baby feeds/poops/sleeps in BabyConnect) has been more difficult than she or I imagined.  Not to mention that she is living with us in our tiny 1100 square foot house and is a vegetarian in a Paleo house.  To her credit, she is is really settling in nicely and is doing a great job.  I have not had to worry about B.  We decided that she is going to watch B from 6 AM-5 PM and then live her life, baby free.  If B were in daycare, it would be the same thing.  

Work itself has been fairly busy so that the days are going by super fast.  I have worked out a schedule of 7:15 AM- 3:30 PM M-Th and then 8-4 PM on Fridays, from home.  I am pumping 3 times a day: 8:30 AM, 12 PM, & 3 PM, for 15 minutes each session at work.  I also have to tack on an extra 10 or so minutes for clean-up (Medela no-water wipes are AMAZING) and 5-10 minutes to wait for the gentlemen that I work with to vacate the lactation room and take their personal calls elsewhere, so it is pretty time consuming.  The room is also pretty awful.  A closet with a small plastic covered couch, a small square Ikea table and one uncomfortable chair.  There are milk stains on the carpet and on the couch.  The walls are manilla.  It is awkwarly located near several cubes with no walls in which only men sit so they see me go in and out and of course they always look up when the door opens.  This aside, I have been pretty successful with pumping so far, although I know it is early.  Yesterday I got 8 oz, 6 oz, and 5 oz.  B is taking 3 bottles of 5 oz each when I am gone, so I am making more than he needs right now.  I am super thrilled about this.  I also have several hundred ounces saved up in the freezer for emergencies. 

On the topic of sleep, B has been regressing from his solid 5-6 hours straight, back to 2-3 hours at a time.  This totally sucks for me when I am going to bed at 11 PM and getting up at 4:30 AM.  It sucks even more because I am getting up at 1 AM and 3 AM to feed him because he is Houdini and can break out of any swaddle including the SwaddleMe and the Miracle Blanket.  He has also gone from going to sleep fairly easily around 7:30-8 PM to going to sleep but then waking up every 40 minutes and fussing until my husband or I soothe him back to dreamland.  We are going to try to move him from his co-sleeper in our room to his nursery this weekend.  I think we are also going to try to wean him off the swaddle again because he just busts out of it anyways. 

I was in a good groove with working out up until this week.  I signed up for my marathon and was running at least 3 days a week, with a long run on Saturdays (last weekend I ran 10 miles!).  This week I have not run at all.  Partially because I am exhausted.  Partially because I get home from work around 5 PM and then have to take care of B and try to put something on the table for dinner.  Partially because I want to spend time with my little boy because I don't see him from 6 AM until 5 PM.  Basically, I don't have any time to run.  I am not sure how I am going to run this marathon on a little over 100 days.  Also, my husband has not gone to x-fit this week, which is unheard of.  Last night at dinner we decided to work out a schedule that will start next week and will allow us to run.  I get Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays.  He gets Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.  If this works out then we will see about adding days.  I am going to bring out the BOB stroller this weekend to see if B could handle some light jogging in it.  I know that it says over 6 months, but he has had very good head control since birth and is extremely strong.  He can sit up in his Bumbo with no issue, so I am thinking some towels for support and a flat surface to run on and we may be cooking with gas. 

I feel like I am holding things together right now, but not tightly.  Things could become derailed fairly fast and fairly easily.  I hope things normalize soon.  I am not a "just holding it together" type of person, if you haven't noticed.  Haha.  I want to be in control of my life 99.99% of the time.  10% doesn't cut it! 

Time to go spend some quality time in the lactation dungeon with my pump and 1/2 caf coffee.  Yes, I am back on the caffeine.  At least partially.  :)      

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

2 Comments »

As you can see, my blogging has gotten pretty sparse lately.  I knew having a baby would make me have less time for things like writing, but I think I grossly underestimated how much less time I would have.  When I do have a free minute I tend to do things like throw laundry in, do the dishes, make the bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, call my grandma to thank her for my birthday present 2 weeks late...

The crazy thing is that I have a ton of stuff to write about.  I am going to try to make a better effort to write out all of these posts that I am thinking of writing, but for now I am just going to give an update since I have exactly 1/2 hour before I have to feed baby B and go to bed.

Baby B
I can't believe that he will be 6 weeks old on Thursday.  He is awesome and amazing.  Cute and snuggly.  He smells so good.  He is a great eater, but spits up quite a bit and is pretty gassy.  He is very strong and can lift his head and move it around with almost no support.  He is also extremely fussy!  He loves to be held all of his waking hours.  I went out and bought some gripe water to help with his fussiness.  I am still not sure if it is helping or not, but he does seem a little happier.  He also likes the stroller, taking rides in the car, and being toted in the M.oby wrap.  He is growing like a weed.  At his 1 month appointment he weighed 11.1 lbs (up from 9.5 lbs, 2 weeks earlier) and he is now 22 inches.  He is only sleeping about 3 hours (at the most) consecutively at night.  Needless to say, mommy is pretty tired.  He likes a pacifier sometimes, but tends to spit it out after a few minutes.  His fav paci so far has been the S.oothie, but we introduced the N.uk and it seems to stay in his mouth better.  He loves having a bath!  He also loves being swaddled in the S.waddle M.e wrap, which I would STRONGLY recommend.  It makes swaddling in the middle of the night so much easier.  He likes newborn music class!  He will laugh and smile if you catch him in a good mood and squeak his soft rattle.  Seeing his smile makes all of the shit that I went through over the past years worth every last sucky minute.

Breastfeeding
Still going...!  Things have gotten much easier.  B is definitely getting enough to eat as he has gained quite a bit (78 percentile).  My only real issues, which are opposite of the issues I though I would have...oversupply and overactive letdown.  When B goes to latch I literally make him choke with my fire-hose of a letdown.  Sometimes I pump a little off first, but I can't do that in the middle of the night.  Last night I tried hand expressing some milk before feeding him in the middle of the night and I can shoot a stream of milk several feet in front of me.  The lactation consultant that I saw last Friday told me to lay off the oatmeal and M.other's M.ilk tea.  Oh and the lactation cookies that I made were unnecessary, I guess.  I have started pumping at least once a day to save up for when I go back to work.  It is hard to find time to pump since B is very demanding, but I want to start introducing a bottle to him at 6 weeks.  I don't anticipate an issue, but I guess I have been wrong about everything so far.  We'll see.

Thyroid/Diabetes
I had an appointment at the Endocrinologist last Tuesday and they checked my TSH and A1C.  My TSH was only 1.01, so I am thinking that she will tell me that I can discontinue my 25 mcg of levothyroxine.    My A1C was 4.8, which was pretty good and equals an average glucose level of around 94.  I still have my 2 hour GTT in a week and a half so I am hoping that turns out ok.  I am still pretty conscious of my diet and I eat way less carbs that I did before.  I have cut out pasta and bread almost completely.  That said, I have been eating cereal and having treats here and there.  I was good for so long, I think I deserve some indulgence.

Postpartum Recovery
Physically, I feel so much better now than I did a few weeks ago.  I still have about 10 lbs to lose, but I have heard that you need to keep on some weight to be an efficient milk producer, so I am ok with that.  I don't think I look overweight so I am fine with it.  What I am NOT ok with is my stomach.  It is completely wrecked.  I have serious stretch marks and my belly button is gross.  I could write a whole post about this, and probably will at some point.  I have diastasis recti.  From my unscientific diagnosis, I have about a 4-5 finger separation of my ab muscles. I went from 6-pack abs to a sagging pouch of a stomach with a huge indentation in the middle.  It has caused me quite a but of depression.  I hate looking in the mirror, it makes me so upset.  I did some research online and asked friends for recommendations and I found a physical therapy program that rehabs women with this condition.  I am going for my first appointment in a week and a half.  I can't wait.  My scar looks great though.  It is almost invisible to me.  I don't mind it at all.  I have no traces of the PUPPPs rash...thank goodness.  I have been walking with B and my dog.  My bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago and now it is just annoying (TMI) yellow discharge.  Enough for liners 24/7.  I will be so glad when I can stop wearing a liner!  I have been through my entire pregnancy, too!  My doctor prescribed me the mini-pill, but I have not started taking it yet.  I really don't want to take it, but I also don't want to get pregnant any time soon.  Knowing my luck, I would get pregnant with a take home baby if we had sex.  Speaking of sex, we still have not undertaken that activity yet.  I am waiting until my 6 week pp doctors visit before we do it, just to be safe.  I am mentally looking forward to it, but not physically.  I am worried that I'll be in pain.

Other Stuff
I officially signed up for the NYC Marathon.  Yes, I am nuts.  My husband got me a personal running coach and class for my birthday, along with a new pair of sneaks!  I am waiting for my 6 week pp appointment to get the go ahead, but I am not sure they will even let me start running yet and I am not sure I want to run yet.  I feel like my organs might migrate out through the whole in my abs.  Gross.

The dog has been great with the baby.  He is protective and watches B when I leave him in his swing and have to run upstairs.  He likes to lick his head, which we don't let him do often, but occasionally.  :)  The cats have been a huge pain in the ass, though.  They have already scratched up his lovely glider and love to climb in his crib and pack and play with any opportunity that they get.  We have to keep the doors closed, which sucks.  I hope they get better, but I have a feeling this is just cats being cats.

Lastly, I got my medical bill from my 6 days stay...$55,000.  Wowzers.  Thank goodness I am only responsible for $500 of it.  Can't imagine what would happen if I didn't have insurance.

Alright my grace period has expired.  My boobs are telling me that B is hungry.  He is still asleep so he doesn't know it yet, but he will as soon as I pick him up.  Now I need to catch up on my blog list!  I still read when I am breastfeeding, but do it on my iPad, so it is hard for me to comment.  I am still following along with you ladies though.  :)  I hope you are all doing well!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

4 Comments »