Yesterday's visit to the doctor was not what I expected.  I thought that I was getting another growth ultrasound, when in fact I was not.  I just had a regular ultrasound where they checked the welfare of the baby (including the heartbeat and the fluid level).  The baby checked out great.  We got to take another look at his cute (but large) head.  He had his hands up in his face which he likes to do when they try to disturb him with the ultrasound wand.  I am wondering if he is a thumb-sucker.  I was!

I asked the radiologist if she could check on my cervix while she had the wand out.  I explained to her my cramping ordeals.  She said she would try, but that at this stage in the game, it is hard to get a good look at the cervix, not to mention super uncomfortable.  She tried, but with no real luck.  She mentioned that the doctor would do an internal check which would give me a better idea of what I was working with.  Oh joy, my first internal!

On the way to the doctor appointment, I was having more cramping.  As my husband drove over the many craters and bumps on the way from my work to the hospital, all I could think about was how uncomfortable it was now with mild cramping and how incredibly miserable it would be while in full out labor.  Something to look forward to in the coming weeks.

The doctor appointment went well.  I gained 1 lb in a week (gulp).  Hopefully it was me gaining the weight and not the baby (maybe the cookies I made and have been enjoying every night :).  My blood pressure was good.  The doctor came in and we first discussed how the insulin was going and how my numbers were looking.  He was quite impressed with my 1 hour post-meal readings. Looking at most of them, would suggest that I am not even borderline GD.  This is due to the strict diet, though.  My fastings on the other hand are a whole different beast.  Still very difficult to control, even with the insulin.  Yesterday's reading was 93.

We discussed the times that I was sleeping and I explained to him my wacky schedule.  When I go into the office, I go to sleep around 9:30 PM and get up at 4:30 AM.  When I work from home, I go to sleep at 10:30 PM and get up at 6:30 AM.  On the weekends, I go to sleep around 11 PM and get up at 7 AM.  He asked if there was any way that I could go to sleep around 10 PM every night, taking the insulin at that time, and get up at 6 AM.  I told him, yeah sure if you write me a note so that I can work from home for the remainder of my pregnancy!  He said he would do that, but he first wanted to try me taking the insulin earlier, at like 8-8:30 PM if I am getting up at 4:30 AM.  I agreed to try this first.  I was hoping for the early WFH pass.  If I am still having trouble with things then I may take him up on the offer.  Today my reading was 88, with taking the insulin at 8 PM.

Next we talked about the cramping and contractions.  He asked some of the same questions the nurse asked and said he thought it sounded normal, but that he wanted to do an internal check to be sure and put my mind at ease.  I was expecting a ton of pain with this, but it didn't hurt more than a pap smear.  Turns out I am not dilated, AT ALL.  My cervix is tightly closed and still very long.  His head is way down low, though, which may be adding to my discomfort.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I figured I would maybe be a centimeter (knowing that you can be a centimeter for weeks), so now I am back to thinking induction again.  Crap.  I am actually surprised that after 2 D&Cs and being forcefully dilated both times, that things are still so...umm... tight in there.  I guess my surgeons both knew what they were doing.

Knowing the state of the baby, my blood sugar, and my cervix, I don't have another appointment until 3/11.  I will be getting yet another ultrasound at this appointment and I assume that they will check the growth this time.  I think I am going to dial back my work-out routine until he is born.  I am not sure what keeping the 5 miles of walking a day is a good thing at this point.  I am going to cut it down to 3ish and see what happens.  I still need to get moving or I feel anxious!

The past few days I have been having more and more Braxton Hick's contractions.  I notice them mostly in the middle of the night when I get up one of 5 times to go to the bathroom.  Three nights ago I woke up with a rock hard belly.  Then the same thing the next night.  No pain, just tightening.

Yesterday I woke up with what felt like minor menstrual cramping.  I tried to sleep it off, but it didn't go away.  I got up and ate breakfast and it was still there.  I called my husband and asked him what he thought I should do.  He said call the doctor.  I call the doctor every day (or it feels like that anyways) so I didn't want to do that.  I drank about a liter of water and then put my feet up while I worked. I was working from home, luckily.  Along with the cramping I was getting the contractions randomly.

I felt better after drinking the water and resting and so I went on with the rest of my work day.  I felt fine until about 3 PM when I started getting the cramping again.  This time I decided to take a break from working,drink some more water (seriously, I think I drank 2 gallons yesterday), and then lie on my left side.  I ended up falling asleep for an hour.  When I woke up, the cramping was still there so I decided to suck it up and call the doctor, again.

The nurse on the other end was the one I have talked to every day for the past 3 days.  I explained to her my symptoms and what I had done to try to alleviate them.  I also told her that I had an appointment the next day.  She asked if the baby was moving and I told her yes, he is moving around like a crazy acrobat.  She didn't think, based on my description, that it was anything to worry about at this point.  She told me to take some acetaminophen and put my feet up for now.  She mentioned that if I started to have any regularly timed contractions or if I started leaking any fluid or bleeding to go to L&D immediately.  She didn't think that this was preterm labor, but she said she obviously couldn't rule it out.

I got off the phone with her and did what she said.  The acetaminophen helped and I didn't have any menstrual-like pain for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up and felt fine.  I had to commute to work in the lovely rain and wind and so, rather than walk from the train, I took the subway.  Just walking from the subway to work was uncomfortable.  I felt the cramping coming back and some definite pressure.  The stairs definitely did not help with the discomfort.  I am glad I am going in this morning because I'd like to see what is going on.  I may be looking at more days working from home in my future.  I wouldn't be too upset about that.  I get a lot done when I work from home and I don't have the commute time or the distractions from other co-workers.

I am anxious for this appointment/ultrasound this morning.  Please pray that the baby hasn't grown too much.  I feel huge today!  See for yourself.

Thanks for the all of the comments, emails, and phone calls regarding my whole insulin debacle.  The second night that I tried injecting, I had success and every time since then I have been able to do it with no issue.  I think that it must have been first time jitters or something.

I have found that my thigh is definitely better than anywhere else to inject and that my left thigh is easier for me to jab than my right.  It is hard to reach around my huge belly.  Now, I would love to tell you that it has been working like a charm, but in fact, it hasn't helped at all and it has even made my numbers marginally worse.  How the heck is this possible?

The first night that I actually got the subcutaneous full dose, I figured I was golden.  I ate exactly the same bedtime snack that I usually have (protein shake w/ almond milk, string cheese, 2 biscotti).  I shot up (sounds like I am a drug addict) around 10:45 PM.  I had my usual 3 full hours of sleep, followed by a pee break, then several 90 minute sleep/pee sessions until I had to get up at 5:30 AM for the funeral.

Upon waking, I tested myself...freaking 98.  WTF?!  This was my 3rd highest fasting reading EVER.  I was so pissed.  I rushed around and got ready and wolfed down my breakfast (2 pieces of low-carb whole grain toast w/ chunky PB, 1 oz low-fat cheese, 2 pieces organic chx sausage, water).  This same breakfast the day before had yielded me a blood sugar reading of 112 an hour after breakfast.  I have been alternating between the egg white omelet and this breakfast for the past few weeks, but on this morning, I didn't have time to make the omelet.

In the car, I tested my blood sugar one hour after breakfast and it was 147.  WTF?!  I thought insulin was supposed to help your readings and not harm them.  I was now even more pissed and frustrated.  As my husband and I were driving we discussed me calling the OB on-call.  I have never done that before, but decided that should be one of the benefits of me going there so I called and left a message.

About an hour later the OB on-call gave me a ring and we chatted about my numbers.  She agreed that the insulin didn't appear to be helping, but said she would like to see readings for a few more days before making the call on upping my dose.  Up my dose??  My numbers were better without the freaking insulin.  How sad. :(

I went the rest of the day with ok readings.  I packed a cooler with snacks and dinner.  We ended up having lunch at my sister's boyfriend's house who lived near the funeral home/church.  They were very accommodating to me by making grilled chicken and salad.  They also got some cheese pizza which looked and smelled amazing, so I had half of a slice without the end crust.  My readings after the hour were great.  I feel like this is a game.  Sort of like, "Press Your Luck".  "Big money, big money, no whammies".

The funeral itself was so sad.  It was so hard to see my relatives so upset.  There is still no cause of death, so there was no burial because they are still examining him.  The casket was made of wood that my cousin was going to use to make his own snowboard.  Everyone signed it.  The service was really awesome though and the church was so packed that there was standing room only and they were simulcasting in the reception hall.  Luckily my Aunt had saved a seat for me so I could sit.  I think I would have been really uncomfortable standing the whole service, especially since I had to pee the whole time.

We drove back home in bad weather.  I was white knuckle gripping my "oh shit" bar most of the time.  We saw several bad accidents and narrowly averted one.  I was so happy to be home after all of that.  A terribly exhausting day.

Since Saturday, my fasting numbers have not gotten better.  They are still in the mid to low 90s.  Today was 89.  I skipped the protein shake last night.  I called the nurse this morning and she told me to up my dose from 7 units to 10 units.  Sigh.  I have another appointment on Wednesday so if things are still not better, you can be sure they are going to hear about it.

On a more up-beat side note, I was really craving cookies last night so I G.oogled until I found a good recipe for low-carb peanut butter cookies that were not made with artificial sweetener.  I was overjoyed when I saw the "diabetic friendly" label!  I changed the recipe a bit in that I added less sugar, some vanilla extract, and butter.  I think mine probably had less carbs this way, but I still posted the nutrition info so you can get the idea.  My batch made 22 cookies.  I had two of them last night for my snack with some extra peanut butter on them.  YUM!!

...ended up being a small disaster.  Basically I screwed up the administration so I don't know if I ended up actually getting any into my body.  I don't think that I did.  The instructions said that if you messed it up to contact your health care provider.  Ummm yeah at 10:30 PM at night?

Before I left my appointment on Tuesday the nurse showed me how and where to inject the insulin.  It looked easy enough, although the whole priming thing had me a little worried.  Last night before I tried injecting myself, I watched a Y.ou T.ube video and read several how-to slide shows.  I thought that I had it down.

My husband wanted to help, so I had him read the booklet that came with the insulin pen and then hold it for me so I could refer to it as a reference while I was attempting the procedure.  I was supposed to pinch an inch of skin in my thigh or side of my stomach for the injection.  Honestly, I don't have a lot of extra skin to pinch.  I have been walking a lot so my thighs are still pretty muscular and my stomach is literally stretched almost as far as it will go.  I decided to squeeze the life out of the top of my thigh to see if that would work because I was not sure where else to inject.

I prepped the pen as described, dialing it to 2 units, expelling, and making sure there were no bubbles.  I did it twice to be sure.  I then followed the instructions and dialed the pen to 7 units, which is my prescribed dose, and wiped my thigh with the alcohol pad.  I was nervous that it was going to hurt so I was kind of hesitant.

With my thigh pinched I stuck in the needle to find that I didn't feel anything at all.  I pressed the top of the pen and let go of the pinch.  The needle came out and the insulin sprayed on my thigh.  I freaked out and asked my husband to read the "I screwed up" part of the instructions.  Like I said before, they told me to call my doctor and not to re-inject.  I was so annoyed that I flipped out at him for no reason and then stormed upstairs.

I went to bed pissed.  I wasted a dose and don't know if I even got any insulin into my system.  This morning my fasting blood sugar was 91, so I am assuming that nothing made it in there or my dose is way too small.  I guess I'll just have to try it again tonight and hope for a better result.  This whole thing is so frustrating I want to scream!!

So there is no new news regarding my cousin.  They still have no idea why he died.  The only thing that I do know is that we'll be attending a funeral this weekend instead of getting maternity photos taken.  A weekend that was shaping up to be a happy one will now be a very sad one.

To add some more mental exhaustion to the list, I had a regular MFM appointment today.  First I met with the nutritionist.  I was slightly concerned that I was not having enough carbs due to the fact that when I have them, my numbers are bad.  She looked at what I was eating and agreed that I am almost eating no carbs.  She thought I could add a few back in here and there, but not to stress about it because I have a good quality diet.  She seemed a little concerned about my fasting numbers and told me to talk to the doctor about that.

Next, I had a growth ultrasound.  The good news is that the baby looks very healthy.  I have a normal amount of fluid.  The bad news is that the baby is huge.  He is measuring about 35 weeks, or 5lbs 3oz.  He is now in the 83 percentile.  I was seriously crushed when they told me this.  I went from 63 percentile a month and a half ago to the 83 percentile.

Finally, I met with the doctor.  He took a look at my blood sugar readings and decided that, in combination with the size of the baby, he is going to put me on a low dose of nightly insulin.  FAIL.  He said that my readings aren't crazy high, but that they should be in the 70s/80s and mine are normally in the 80s/90s (with a 100 spike every few weeks).  We talked about the size of the baby and he mentioned that I wouldn't go past 40 weeks for sure.  He also mentioned the possibility of 38/39 weeks if the baby continues growing like this. He said that he doesn't like to induce, though because it increases the chance of a c-section and he would like to avoid that.  I am at least grateful that we are on the same page about that.  I really do not want to be induced early and I really, really, really, don't want a c-section.

After the doctor talked to me, I met with the nurse who showed me how to inject insulin.  She also wrote me a prescription for a breast pump and we discussed the pertussis vaccine, again.  I did not realize that it was coupled with the tetanus vaccine that I  had over the summer when I stepped on the rusty nail in the backyard.  The tetanus vaccine makes me quite sick, so I'd like to avoid it if I can.  I have to call the hospital where I had it to confirm that it included whooping cough.

I have to go back in a week for another growth ultrasound to see how fast this guy is really growing.  I am so upset though.  I have been doing EVERYTHING right and still he is getting too big.  I have not deviated once from the diet in almost 2 months except for 1/2 piece of cake at my shower last Saturday and I paid for that by feeling like total crap all night.  I exercise almost every day (yesterday I walked 5 freaking miles).  I only sleep 7 hours so that my fasting blood sugars aren't too high.  I have only gained 22lbs total, 1 lb in the past 2 weeks.  I don't know why he is so big.  The only thing that I can think of is genetics.  My mom had big babies ranging from 7lb 9oz (me) to 10lb 4oz (the youngest) and my husband was over 9 lbs when he was born.  I know that my mom and MIL did not eat this healthy or exercise like I am though.  I also know that they both gained way more weight than I have.

This sounds strange, but I feel like people judge me about the baby being big, like it was something I could control.  Clearly that was not the case here.  I am so tired of the "wow your belly is huge" or "you still have 7 weeks left?" or "big baby in there" comments.  I want to just hibernate for the next few weeks.

After a few weeks of feeling physically and mentally good, I now feel tired, depressed, and angry.

This past weekend was my third baby shower and my family came from my hometown to help with is and visit.  I am not really feeling much like writing about it now, even though it was a lovely time.  I got some unexpected bad news on Sunday evening that has pretty much left me in shock and clouded the whole weekend.

My 20 year old cousin passed away unexpectedly on Sunday.  He was a healthy and athletic college student and they have no idea what might have caused his death.  I can't even begin to imagine how his immediate family is feeling right now.  I am no stranger to loss, but to lose someone full of promise at such a young age is unimaginable.  Hearing that they had to drive to his college to pick up his belongings just doesn't seem possible.  My heart breaks for them.  

I feel like this hasn't really sunk in yet.  I haven't even cried, which is so weird for me since I always cry when people die and I am "hormonally unstable" at the moment.  I am not looking forward to the funeral because I feel like then everything will be real.  Right now, I can go along with my day, since I am not near my family.  Later on this week, I won't be able to be in denial anymore.

Ahhh I am so annoyed at myself that I am still thinking or caring about this situation, but I wanted to give a quick update.

This afternoon I was in talking to my boss, door open, when secretly-pregnant co-worker shows up in front of her office.  Her office has a window so I looked over and I could see that she was standing facing my office.  I finished my convo with my boss and then headed back to my office.  I looked over but secretly-pregnant co-worker avoided eye contact and went into her office and shut the door.  Two seconds later I hear my boss say "Congratulations!  Do you know what you are having?".  I could feel my face get hot and my blood beginning to boil.  Then I started to feel sad and upset, but I refused any tears in this situation, which is a first for me lately.

I thought maybe she might come over afterwards and tell me so I tried not to get too worked up.  They were in there chatting for no more than 5 minutes when the door opened and secretly-pregnant co-worker walked out without so much as a hello to me.

Wow, I was completely stunned.  I have no idea what is going on.  I sat at my desk for a minute and then went in to my bosses office and shut the door.  I have worked for her now for almost 10 years, so we have a pretty casual relationship which (I know might be borderline unprofessional), but usually includes some office gossip.

As soon as I went in and shut the door, she knew why I was there.  She smiled at me and I said to her, "I know".  She laughed and said she was surprised because she was over 16 weeks.  She said, "Did you know it is a girl?"  I said, no.  I then told her all about what had been happening and she was surprised that she still had not told me.  Apparently secretly-pregnant co-worker told my boss that she wasn't telling anyone else at work.  She said she would rather people ask her (?!?).  My boss commented that she looked terrible, though.  That kind of made me laugh because normally this girl is in the bathroom quite a bit, touching up her makeup and lately she has looked like she just rolled out of bed.

Ok I get not telling every entire person in the office that you are pregnant, but what about your friend(s)?  I didn't tell most people in the office, but I told my close co-workers and friends at work.  I am at a complete loss here.

I think that I am just going to have to step away from the situation.  I am not going to bring it up to her, in fact, I am going to completely ignore the fact that she looks pregnant.  I am NOT going to ask her, even though she looks incredibly pregnant.  I am not going to indulge her.  Call me bitchy, but I'm done with her.  If and when she does tell me, I am going to let her know that this has made me feel awful, though.