After two fairly intense sobbing breakdowns yesterday (one with the psychologist and one with my husband when I got home), I made a few decisions regarding my next cycle.  I am hoping that I can actually stick to this plan because I think it will be good for me (and my husband) in the long run.  I need a break from all of this.

1.  I am not testing until Saturday if AF does not show up, but I expect that she will show up then or possibly before then).  My Wondfos and FRERs will have to sit unused in the closet until a later time.

2.  I am taking next cycle off.  One thing I know for sure about this off cycle is that it is NOT going to include Femara.  Even though I did refill my last prescription, I am not going to take it.  I don't think another unmonitored cycle is going to do me much good.  I am not sure if my cycle off is going to include temping and opks.  I have not yet decided on that.  I think I will play it by ear, but I will most likely temp at least so I can see how my body reacts to no more estrogen inhibitors.  Can you say late ovulation?

3.  I have an appointment with my RE on 8/24.  I am going to demand a better plan for the future and that plan is going to include monitoring and or more.  No more of this unmonitored Femara bullshit.

4.  I have an appointment with another recurrent loss doctor at a different hospital on 9/10.  I am going to ask for any and all testing that I have not yet received from my RE.  I am also going to state my current diagnosis (bad luck) and see if the new doctor feels differently.

5.  I am going back to running during my "off" cycle.  I will obviously be sucking serious wind, but who cares.  I need some endorphins.

6.  I am going back to yoga.  I was just starting to get really into it and I really miss it.

7.  I will have a glass of wine if I feel like it once or twice a week.  I freaking need it.

8.  I am going to start repeating my positive mantra that I learned last night during our cognitive restructuring exercise at the group therapy session: "I will carry a healthy baby to term".  I'll repeat this to myself when I feel those negative thoughts creeping in. 

All right AF...I dare you to show up.  I have a plan and even you can't wreck it.  So there.

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**Before reading this please keep in mind that I have a bad attitude today and this post is going to contain lots of bitching, moaning, & complaining.  If you are having a fabulous and sunny day you may want to skip this one.**

All of these protocols that I am following are supposed to get me pregnant, keep me pregnant, and make my well-being a little bit better.  Pretty much seems to me like all of this "stuff" that I am doing and all of this money that I am throwing away paying isn't helping me out one bit.  I honestly feel as miserable as ever.

I am 9dpo and 99% certain that I am out for this cycle, yet again.  My temp isn't going up and I have ZERO symptoms.  No sore boobs, no twinges, no headaches, no constipation, no bloating, no gas, NOTHING.  The only thing that I do have is wicked PMS.  I am in a wretched mood and I feel for anyone who has to deal with me today.  I even yelled at my poor dog today because he was walking too slowly. 

This afternoon I have a 1-on-1 session with the psychologist, an hour wait, then my group therapy session.  I have zero interest in going tonight to either event and have wished several times this morning that I had not signed up for the thing in the first place.

I feel completely disgusted with myself right now.  I can't run and am now in terrible shape.  I feel fat and gross.  I have zero concentration at work or any desire to actually work on my career at this point in time.  I am not doing the relaxation exercises that I have been given because I just don't feel like doing them.  I honestly don't feel like I am doing anything well right now.  I really do feel like I am failing in all areas of my life.  I am more depressed than I was after finding out that my last pregnancy was a failure.  All I do is complain and bitch and mope around.  This is just not me.

Last night my husband and I had sex and instead of enjoying myself and being with him, I was thinking about how gross and unattractive I felt the whole time.  He is in the most amazing shape of his life right now (doing CrossFit) and I am in the worst shape.  He goes to the gym and out for runs while I sit and sulk on the couch.  How the fuck is this going to help me get pregnant??   

I called my RE this morning and left a rather frantic message about things not working out and wanting some guidance.  I bet you can guess that they have not called me back.  Who knows if they will.  Some days I think that I am going to switch doctors and then some days I say "what's the freaking point".  Still, other days I say I am just quitting all of this and trying things out on my own again.  The medical profession continually fails me, so why am I paying them all of this money?

I have a feeling that I am going to have a meltdown today in the psychologist office.  Stay tuned...

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So my temp was way down today at 5 dpo (see off the the right).  I know that it is too early to tell if I am pregnant or not, but I feel like that is a bad sign.  The only preggo chart that I have was from my 3rd miscarriage (see below).  It was triphasic and continued to climb up, up, up.  I was on progesterone at that time so maybe that had something to do with it.  I'm not sure.

I always wonder if all of my pregnancy charts will look like this or if they might all look different.  Will my next pregnancy chart be triphasic also?  I often wonder if I should stop charting during the TWW to give myself a break so that I don't have to think about it or over analyze it.  I also wonder if I should put any stake into comparing my chart to the thousands of preggo charts on FF and seeing that mine never looks like a typical pregnancy chart.

For all you charters out there I have some questions for you...  If you have charted multiple successful cycles, were your charts similar all of the times?  Do you put any stake into triphasic charts?  Do you think that there is any way to tell if you might be "a little bit pregnant" by the way your chart looks at the beginning of your LP?  What about at the end of your LP?  For those of you that have charted while on and off fertility meds, did your charts look much different?  This is only my 6th cycle charting, so I am still trying to figure out the answers to these types of questions.  My RE would tell me to go take a hike...she (and their office) don't "believe" in charting.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

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This is one of the first things that I saw this morning as I turned on the TV to watch the morning news...

What a lovely wake up call for someone who can't seem to stay (or now get) pregnant.

I know this is a crazy infertile rant, but if I can't do that here then where can I do it?  How is it that a stick figure model, who I am sure starves herself regularly, able to pop out kids so freaking easily?!  My psychologist was yelling at me for eating fat free yogurt, drinking fat free milk, and running a modest 15-20 miles a week.  WTF?  Also, how unfair is it that she still has a model figure even while pregnant?  Just that tiny little baby bump.  Doesn't she crave some ice cream, chocolate cake, or chips?  Why couldn't I have gotten her genes instead of mine? 

Ugh.  I am so incredibly ridiculously jealous.  There I said it.   End of rant.  Have a lovely day everyone!

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Why, you might ask?  The beginning of my cycle is filled with cramps, blood, and crankiness.  I am always angry that I have yet another failed cycle on my hands and I have another long cycle ahead of me filled with supplements, drugs, blood draws, and pee sticks.  Normally I pick a fight with my husband during this time and then cry.  Come on, it's the crashing hormones.  Very predictable, I am. 

The few weeks before ovulation always seem to take forever.  It is a constant guessing game trying to figure out if the line is dark enough on the opk and if the smiley is real or a fake-out.  Oh and also with the Mucinex I have to drink lots of water, but then deprive myself of water for 4 hours so I can test.  It is enough to drive even the sanest of individuals completely mad.  Are we having enough sex?  Is every other day good or is every day better?  What about 2 times a day?  What if I he is tired?  Plans for this time of the month?  Nope.  My husband and I have a date with our bed and some Pre.Seed. Then once the opk is positive I stress out about my temps.  Are they headed north as they should be?  Will I get cross-hairs or will I be the unlucky recipient of an anovulatory cycle?  Did we have sex enough and at the right times?

The last part of the cycle is probably the worst part.  (Over)analyzing every symptom.  Imagining even more symptoms.  Always feeling implantation even though it was probably just gas.  Feeling bloated and crampy and disgusting with no energy to boot.  Is my chart triphasic?  Was that an implantation dip?  How does my chart compare to preggo charts?  Stocking up on FRERs and trying to decide when to test or if a blood test will be necessary.  Looking at pictures of positive pregnancy tests just to see 2 pink lines.  Seeing a stark white line on the test, but having "experts" tweak it because there maybe, just maybe is a hint of a line.  Oh wait, nope that is just an evap line.  WTF.  Then having AF show up and starting the whole cycle again.  How exhausting it is just writing this.

This is why my favorite time of my cycle is 3dpo.  It is on this day that FF gives me cross-hairs so that I can be proud that my body did something right and ovulated like it was supposed to.  I have the possibility that this cycle just might work out.  The possibility that maybe, by the graces of God, one of his best swimmers met up with my healthy, mature egg and cells started to divide properly and then decided to implant.  The possibility that this might be our son or daughter in he or she's earliest form.  The possibility that we might be able to (finally) start our little family that we have been praying for.  I am always filled with so much hope for the future.  That maybe I might not have to continue with this cycle after cycle routine for a while.  How nice would that be?   One can dream, right?  :-)

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So I realize that I am slightly late to the party this month!  I have lots of catch-up blog reading and catch-up commenting to do today.  This is my second ICLW, but last month I did not really give a proper introduction,so I figured that I would do that this month.  I see lots of ICLW related posts where people give their "numbers".  I am not really sure where this started from, but I figured that it might be a good way to introduce myself (regarding infertility & RPL), so here goes...

1  I have had one chemical pregnancy.  This was back in December of 2011.

2  This represents the number of D&Cs that I have had.  The first one I had was back in September of 2011 and the second one was in March of 2012. 

3  I have had 3 total miscarriages in less than a year.  One was a missed miscarriage in at my 10 week ultrasound.  The baby only measured 8.5 weeks.  The second was the chemical.  The third was a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

4  Number of serious infertility related meltdowns that I have had.

7  I am the oldest of 7 children.  Yes, my mother was a very fertile woman.

8  Our last loss was confirmed as isochromosome 8, a random chromosomal abnormality since my husband and I have both been tested as genetically normal.

10  Years that I was on birth control.

12  Months that we have spent TTC.

20  Pregnancy tests used.  Mostly FRERs and Wondfos.

31  That's how old both my husband and I are right now.

42  Age that my mom gave birth to her last child.

66  Number of blog posts (including this one)  that I have written @ My Life is About the Journey.

101  Approximate number of ovulation tests taken...I used to have long cycles before I went on meds so I would go through almost a full 20 pack a cycle.  I use mostly Clearblue Digitals and Wondfos.

Yuck these numbers are so depressing!  I am hoping to be able to turn it around and provide some happier numbers very shortly.  Thanks to all the newbies who have stopped by and thanks to all my regular bloggie friends for being so wonderful.  Until a few months ago, I never even knew that this community existed, but I am so happy that I found it.  :-)

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I'm baaaack!  I have a lot of catching up to do as I have missed several days of reading my favorite blogs.  That combined with work that I missed last Friday and my training at work this whole week is going to make me quite busy this week. 

The trip was AWESOME.  Just what we needed.  Usually vacations seem to go so fast, but this one actually seemed way longer than just 2 1/2 days.  We spent most of our time just relaxing on the beach and swimming in the warm water.  We walked around quite a bit, too.  The weather was fantastic on both Friday and Saturday. 

While we were these I barely thought about TTC or babies.  I feel like when I am away from my day-to-day life here, I always feel better about things.  I found myself at one point while we were out to dinner actually being ok with where I am.  We were sitting on a deck overlooking the Inter-Coastal Waterway, a light breeze blowing, steel drums playing in the background, and munching on crab legs and conch fritters, just me and my hubby.  Honestly, at that point in time, there was no where else I would have rather been.

While we were away I think that I ovulated.  I am going to say that it was either Saturday or Sunday.  My husband thinks it was Saturday.  This would put me at day cd 17 or 18, which is later than last month.  I am not sure why most people ovulate on day 14 with Femara/Clomid, but I still seem to ovulate later...kind of annoying.  I think we have our bases mostly covered, too.  We skipped having sex on Thursday because we worked all day, then had to take the dog to "pup-pup sleep away camp", and then had to rush to the airport.  I am hoping and praying that this is our month.  We are soooooo ready to be parents!!

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