I can honestly say that this is a post that I was never really sure that I would ever have the opportunity to write.  If you would have asked me back in March if I thought I would ever be able to use myself and 12 weeks in the same sentence I would have really struggled to answer the question.  I am almost in shock that I am here.  So grateful, so happy, but still so nervous.

I cry a little bit on most days, probably due a lot to my wacky hormones.  Usually the crying is due to my thankfulness of where I am right now and thinking back to where I was last year at this time.  I also cry out of guilt.  I cry because of my friends that I know that are trying and trying with no luck.  I cry for my friends that continue to experience loss after loss with no explanations.  I cry for my friends that are in pregnancy limbo and waiting for news.  I cry because it is all so unfair.

I struggle with how and when to write updates about this pregnancy.  I know that I want to document this for my memory, as well as for anyone else who might be reading this.  I want to give women who have been dealing with similar situations to my own, hope.  I know I always look to posts regarding early pregnancy.  For some reason it helps me to feel better about where I am.  So here goes with how things are going for me at 12 weeks.

At 12 weeks I am just starting to show.  I can't button my normal pants anymore and have been wearing mostly dresses and stretchy skirts to work.  I bought a band to put over my regular pants, but I have not yet tried it because it has been warm enough to wear skirts/dresses to work.  Maybe next week.

My symptoms at this point mostly consist of nausea most of the day, constipation, & general tiredness.  Also, today my left eye has started twitching.  Not sure if this is or isn't related to pregnancy, but it is very annoying!  I am also still getting up a lot to go to the bathroom and my upper back has been hurting.  I am thinking it is because my small rack, has increased by a size or two and is making me slouch.

My TSH is back to the normal range and down to 1.24 thanks to the meds!  Also, all of my other thyroid tests came back normal (including anti-thyroid antibody), so that is one less thing for me to worry about at this point.  I have another appointment with the endocrinologist at he end of October for my follow-up.

I have my NT exam on Tuesday afternoon.  I am pretty nervous about this.  I know they will do the scan first and then take blood.  I am hoping and praying that everything goes well with this exam because it is taking everything in me not to tell my grandma!  She is the person that I have been wanting to tell about this baby so much.  I know how badly she wants to become a great grandmother.  She knows nothing of our struggles or miscarriages because I didn't want to give her bad news (all she gets at her age is news of people dying or getting terminal illnesses so I have felt the need to protect her).  I will also finally tell my boss if things go well.  Then she will understand why I have been "working from home" a lot lately.

I have been using the doppler once or twice a week since that first night a few weeks ago.  I can now find the baby pretty fast, but not for very long because he (I am thinking boy) moves a lot.  He also kicks.  If you want to see some picture/video updates, click here and then scroll to the bottom.  Please keep my in your thoughts and prayers next week.  

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Last October, after my first miscarriage, I joined a private support group on B.aby C.enter for people who had lost babies with an EDD of April, 2012.  I didn't expect much, but I figured that being able to commiserate with women who were in my shoes might help me with the healing process.  To some extent, I was right.

It was great to have a place to be able to vent and discuss my concerns following my miscarriage.  Some of the women got pregnant immediately after their miscarriages and some were waiting longer to try again.  Still others had yet another miscarriage.  I, unfortunately, fell into the later category. 

After I had my second miscarriage, those ladies helped me to stay sane.  They helped me to keep a positive outlook, when all I really wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and hibernate.  I found myself checking BBC regularly and even while I was at work.  You might say that I got slightly obsessed with it, but seemed to be helping me work though my stresses regarding my miscarriages.

At a certain point, the group decided to become more personal and move over to a private F.acebook group.  At this point in time, FB had gotten harder for me to use, but I hadn't completely stopped using it.  The FB group was great.  I got to become much closer with the girls from the group and it was nice to be able to put faces with names.  By the time the group had flipped from BBC to FB, several of the girls were fairly pregnant and  most everyone else (with the exception of a few who had medical reasons or personal reasons) was adamantly trying to get pregnant.  The private homepage was becoming a place where I would spend a ton of my time.  We would obsess over share our FF charts, opks, and pregnancy tests.  We had a spreadsheet with everyone's contact info.  It was a lot of fun.  Those girls really became a huge part of my life.

Fast forward to February.  I would say that about 50% of the group was pregnant at the point that I got my 3rd BFP.  I got my BFP right around the same time that 3 other girls got their BFPs as well.  It was very exciting!  We would all be due in November, 2012.  We all shared our FRERs (pregnancy tests) and then betas.  Then we started sharing ultrasound results and photos.  That's when I got bad news.  My pregnancy wasn't viable.  Everyone else had happy news to share and cutsie pictures of their little beans.  I had to share news of yet another miscarriage and D&C.  I was devastated and angry.

I made the decision to step away from the group and from FB, in general at that point.  I made a last tearful post to the girls who were sincerely upset for me.  Many of them checked up on me for weeks after.  I even got several cards on the EDD of my first miscarried baby.  It was nice to know that they were there, but I needed to take a step back from TTC and my obsession of comparing my life to the lives of my other FB "friends".  All of that comparing to "friends" that had 2-3 kids (when they had been serious binge drinkers all through college) already made me sad, mad, and jealous.  It brought out a terrible side of me that frankly scared me.  I had to break away for my mental well-being.

I managed to stay off of FB for many months.  I think I went on once or twice because I had gotten email notifications of private messages that were sent to me.  It took a while, but I completely broke my obsessive FB checking behavior.  It was around this time that I started my blog.  It was a change of pace, but still very therapeutic for me.  It was my own space where I didn't have to constantly measure myself against others.

Last Saturday, I got the mail and saw that I had a letter from an address that I did not recognize.  I opened it and saw that it was an invitation to a get-together in April of 2014 for all of the girls from the group in Chicago.  Immediately I had tears in my eyes because I could not believe that they still thought to invite me to this event even though I had stopped participating in the group back in March.  Getting this invitation gave me the kick I needed to go onto FB to thank those girls and come out of hiding.

Going back to the group was difficult, but also heartwarming.  So many of the girls have already given birth to their rainbow babies.  Many are quite pregnant or in their second trimester.  Two girls had just recently announced their BFPs.  I read back through a bunch of posts and then decided to add my own.  I thanked them for remembering me and I congratulated them on their exciting news.  The response I got was so nice.  So many of the girls responded and welcomed me back with open arms.  They asked me how I had been and I couldn't bring myself to announce that I was pregnant yet.  I simply said that I was doing well and finally felt like I was finally getting my life back on track. 

I am not sure that I am going to be going back to FB like I once was.  I did change my very stale profile picture and accepted a bunch of outstanding friend requests.  I also saw how many of my other non-April 2012 "friends" were either pregnant or had recently given birth.  It is still bittersweet for me.  Seeing the very pregnant girls that are due in November was hard to take at first, but then when I thought about it, I just had to be happy for them. 

I can't make up for what was lost (time, friends, hope) or change the past, but I can start to move forward again.  I can choose to be happy and thankful for where I am right now.  It sounds crazy to say this, but I think this invitation really gave me the kick that I needed to do that.  Each day that passes, I feel like I am, indeed, moving forward.  Slowly.  But.  Surely. 

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I'll start off with the Manly Monday (oops I missed last week, sorry Stupid Stork!) and then move on to the randomness.

Manly Monday

• My husband has very random taste in music.  He loves rap and hip-hop, but he also loves Barry Manilow.  There also used to be a station on Sirius (before they merged with XM) called "Movin' Easy".  He would crank that station and sing while he was working as a carpenter many years ago.  Ahhh I loved it.
• He is very handy (former carpenter) so he has built us a fabulous kitchen, added new stairs, refinished and laid new floors, and added a linen closet upstairs.  But, he has a tough time finishing anything completely.  The kitchen, stair railings, and dining room are anywhere from 90% complete to 0% complete.  The 1/2 "bathroom" is still a black hole in the middle of the house.  :-o
• He takes a bazillion vitamins.  I am not even sure what he takes anymore, but there are about 10 pills a morning.  I think he is going to live forever.
• His specialty meal is eggplant sandwiches.  Grilled eggplant (as the "bread"), homemade roasted red pepper tapenade, basil, fresh mozzarella, and prosciutto. YUM!!  He is a really great cook.      
• He appreciates good beer.  This is why we make such a good pair, haha.  We both love a super-hoppy, micro-brewed beer.  He is being nice though and not drinking much while I can't drink.  Solidarity! 

Randomness

• My husband finally got to listen to the baby's heartbeat on the doppler on Saturday (over 11 weeks!).  I was able to find him right away this time in almost the same spot that I found him last time.  He did squirm out of the way not long after we found it, but at least he got to hear that lovely little thumping noise!
• We went shopping on Saturday and I bought a bunch of new clothes to conceal my stomach.  It is probably just bloat, but I had to get some new stuff to protect me for another 2 weeks.  NY & Co. (I never shop there) had a tremendous sale with some really cute and comfortable clothes.  I got 2 skirts, 2 shirts, 1 dress, and a bag for less than $150.  I was quite happy with that.
• Last year I did nothing to prepare for fall because I was so miserable.  No decorating or anything and I love decorating, tastefully.  I put out 2 little pumpkins and a couple of pots of mums.  My husband and I also did a ton of yard-work yesterday so I am paying for that today because my upper back is killing me.
• I baked some amazing apple turnovers yesterday with some of the apples that we picked last weekend.  OMG.  They took me about 2 hours total, but they were so worth it.  If you have some time and want a lovely distraction then try these:  Taste of Home - Apple Turnovers.  You will not be disappointed.  I doubled the recipe because 4 turnovers did not sound like enough...haha.  Bring on the butter!!!  

Yummy!!

•  I read a very powerful blog post by one of the girls that I follow.  Cristy over at Searching for Out Silver Lining wrote very frankly about how infertility can bring people together and then tear them apart.  The post really hit home for me because I have oftentimes felt like I might not belong here.  I have not had to go through IUI or IVF and we only "tried" for a little over a year.  So many others have had it 10 times worse and continue to be dragged through the shit that is infertility.  Cristy tries to remind everyone that it isn't about one-upping each other or who has suffered the most through all of this.  It isn't about abandoning those that finally get pregnant or about those that are pregnant abandoning those that are still in the trenches or being afraid to write about their pregnancies in their own blogs.  It is about continued support, regardless.  We have ALL been through the wringer, and yes some have had it worse than others, but we all need to be there for each other.  We all still need the support and guidance of the ALI community regardless of where we are in this journey.  Thanks again for posting this, Cristy.

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One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.

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Yesterday was my first trip to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office.  I wasn't scheduled for an ultrasound so I went straight to the office to fill out mounds of paperwork.  I was early to arrive so I was very surprised when they called my name before I was done signing all the documents.

They weighed me and I still weigh exactly the same (with my clothes on) as I weighed before I got pregnant.  They told me that this was normal and that I shouldn't really expect to gain anything until the second trimester.  The nurse's assistant took my blood pressure, but I don't think that she did it correctly.  The band wasn't very tight around my arm and she didn't ask me to roll up my sleeve.  Then when she inflated it (while I was still trying to get situated on the table and she let some of the air out then re-inflated it 2 times.  She asked me if I had high blood pressure and I told her no, actually I usually have slightly lower blood pressure.  She kind of shrugged her shoulders.  I just had my blood pressure taken less than 2 weeks ago and it was normal so I am thinking it was operator error?  No one in my life has ever told me that I have high blood pressure!

Then the nurse came in to ask me a ton more questions, but suggested that I go pee in a cup first.  That is always a fun experience.  I won't get into too much detail, but suffice it to say, I have very bad aim.  The nurse had told me to leave the cup in the bathroom when I was done.  It felt really odd to just leave a cup of my pee on the shelf in there, but I did it, reluctantly.

Then came the rest of the questions from the nurse which ranged from drug and alcohol use to mental health to if we rented a house or owned.  The nurse was really nice and we had a bunch of things in common.  We were both from the same state originally (and in the same part of the state) and we both graduated from the same college.  It is a small world!  The nurse also asked me about my losses and when and how they occurred.  That is always a hard conversation to have especially since I am coming so close to the anniversary of my first D&C.

After the nurse went through all the questions she explained to me about the Downs Syndrome screening that I would have at 12 1/2 weeks, followed by another blood test at 15 weeks, and then a gender scan at 18 weeks.  I feel like I still tune out those types of events that are so far into the future because I still feel like I can't be certain that I will get there.  I think that is just my learned defense mechanism working.

After she explained some of the future appointments, she left me to wait for the doctor.  I figured I would be waiting for a while, but the doctor popped right in.  He was awesome.  I was at ease from the moment he came in.  Very no nonsense and extremely understanding of my situation.  The first thing he wanted to do was check on the baby with his incredibly awesome hand-held ultrasound machine that looked similar to the one in this picture.

So cool!

After that, we talked for a little while about my history and about this pregnancy going forward.  He debunked some myths and told me all soft cheeses were safe as long as they were pasteurized.  He emphasized me to eat pasteurized foods/drinks, if there was an option.  He also told me that anything that I feel like eating during the first trimester is fine.  He said there is no difference in babies where the mom's had trouble eating in the first trimester than those that didn't.  He actually said he feels better about pregnancies where the mothers are nauseous because it means a better connection between mom and baby.  That made me feel better.

We talked a little about my ongoing risk of miscarriage and he didn't think that it was different from any other normal pregnant person at this point.  We joked about statistics, but he mentioned a 96% chance at a take home baby at this point.  I know nothing is certain (EVER), but it made me feel a little more comfortable.

He told me to call their emergency number 24/7 if I ever felt like there was an issue and/or if I ever had bleeding of ANY kind.  They have a 24 hour prenatal care center at the hospital that is open to all the patients.  He told me to call them first if I was going out of town, but said he preferred his patients not travel.  I haven't told my husband this as we were planning on going on our postponed trip to Turks & Caicos in November.

After meeting with the doctor I scheduled my next scan and appointment for Oct. 2 and then headed over to get blood taken.  I have been tested for STDs and AIDs so many times in the last year because of all my other pregnancies, but I guess they are required to do it.  At least I have already tested NEG for Cystic Fibrosis, so I don't need that again.

Overall I thought the visit went really well.  I really like the doctor and the nurse.  I think they treated me well and were very understanding of my situation.  I really like that hand-held ultrasound gadget.  I know that even if I don't have a scan that they can check on the baby.  I am very happy with my decision to stay with the hospital, so far, and I am cautiously getting excited about meeting this little one in a few months.  :)

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So if you read my post from yesterday you are probably confused about the title of this post.  Well, I had no idea that I was going to pull out the doppler last night about 9 PM.  My husband, his friend, and I went out for a quick bite to eat.  After eating about a pound of bread, I was able to stomach some farfalle pasta with light tomato sauce (lots of mozzarella cheese medallions, too, haha).  My husband and his friend decided to hit up a party and of course I decided to call it a night at the ripe old time of 8 PM.  Yes, I am a loser these days, but I am fine with that.

When I got home there was a disgusting bug on my front screen door.

I got out my phone to take a picture to send to my husband when I saw a text from my friend who let me borrow her doppler.  She said she had read my post from earlier and suggested that I try.  She was pretty confident that at 10 weeks I would hear this little Button if I tried in my lower abdomen.  With a renewed spirit, I decided that it might be a good time to try to find it.

As soon as I got inside I went up to the computer and Googled "how to use a fetal doppler".  I read a quick article and felt like I could handle it.  I got the Sonoline B Pocket Fetal Doppler, some gel, and laid down on the couch.  I turned the thing on and it squealed at me so loudly I think I might have scared the baby into hiding.  I started on the left side of my lower pelvic area and immediately heard something that sounded like a heartbeat.  It was only registering 82-98 bpm, so I figured this wasn't it.  I moved the wand lower near my pubic bone (as my friend recommended) and kept moving the thing around down there...nothing that would register more than 100 or so.  Then I moved the thing up to my belly button and I started to hear a loud heartbeat, but again it was similar to my own at around 90 something bpm.  I was starting to get anxious and nervous that something was wrong.

I got frustrated and shut the thing off.  I texted my friend that I had no luck.  :(  She felt so bad and tried to offer me suggestions of having a full bladder and watching some YouTube how-to videos.  I decided to take her up on her idea.  I watched the following 2 videos:


These two videos were so helpful and saved my evening.  I learned what the different sounds were in my abdomen, my blood flow off to the left and my placenta right smack in the middle.  I learned that I was looking in the wrong spot and that I was moving the wand way too fast and not pressing hard enough.  I also had the volume too low.

After learning these helpful tips, I got into my bed, propped up my head, squirted some aloe vera gel this time and tried again.  After about 5 minutes, to the slight left below my belly button and left of the placenta, I found it.  OMG.  It was so amazing.  I only found it for a few seconds, but I got the doppler to register up to 169 bpm before I lost it (that baby must be moving around in there or something!).  It was amazingly loud, fast, and distinct from my own.  I can't tell you how relieved I felt.  I texted my friend, texted my husband, and called my mom.  I went to sleep so happy last night.  I have never heard a heartbeat before.  The moral of the story here is, watch some how-to videos before attempting to use a piece of equipment that you are unfamiliar with.  I learned my lesson!!

**Update on my friend**

Her second beta came back at well over 400.  She more than doubled in the past 48 hours.  I am so excited for her!!  I really hope that this is her miracle baby!  :)

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I woke up this morning and realized that it has been several days since I have last posted.  It might possibly be one of the longest stretches that I have taken away from blogging since I started this thing in  April.  The truth is, there hasn't been a ton going on with me lately that I have wanted to write about.  I guess this is a good thing.  Normally I write when I am anxious, or nervous, or angry, or sad.  I have been really busy at work lately, so I haven't had a ton of time to write or read other blogs while I am there.  The project that I am working on is coming to a close (hopefully) sometime in October, so I will have more free-time then.  I actually like the no free-time at work better than when I am not as busy.  It gives me less time to obsess over my symptoms (or lack of symptoms) and makes the days go by faster.

Next week, Tuesday, will be my first appointment with my new MFM doctor.  I am scheduled to see the nurse first at 2:30 PM and then the doctor at 3 PM.  I am not quite sure what to expect, but I don't think that this visit will include an ultrasound.  If it does include an ultrasound, it will be with the hand held, most likely.  I am not sure if they will try to use the doppler or not.  I have had one experience with a doppler and it was a bad one.  Generally speaking, I am afraid of dopplers.

My first prenatal appointment in my first pregnancy, when I thought I was 9 1/2-10 weeks, they went for a listen with the doppler.  Of course they couldn't hear anything so they sent me straight away to ultrasound and we all know how that turned out.  My friend sent me her doppler to use last week and so far I have been too scared to try it out...

What if I can't find the heartbeat? Chances are, I wouldn't be able to this early.

Will I freak out?  Yes.

Would I go to the ER, pay $250 co-pay, and tell them that I was bleeding/cramping so I could get an ultrasound? Yes.

I think I am going to wait to use the doppler for a few more weeks.

Today Fertility Friend says that I am allegedly 10 weeks (by my doctor's estimate I am 10 weeks, 1 day).  I still feel pregnant most of the time, which I am taking as a good sign.  With my missed miscarriage, I lost most of my symptoms at 8 1/2 weeks (which makes sense since that is what the baby measured when they found it).  Nausea most of the day, super tremendous constipation for the first time in my life, very tired, weird dreams (lots of sex dreams), headaches, intermittent very sore boobs, peeing a lot (especially at night), thirsty, lots of thin white CM, & lovely and strong finger nails.  My finger nails are normally picked at and bitten because they break so easily.  For some reason they are now long, for me, and for the first time look like girl's nails!

I have not been feeling like eating much of anything at all.  Basically nothing tastes good and when I think about eating I feel sick to my stomach.  I don't really crave anything (except popcorn).  My diet for the past few weeks has consisted of apples, plums, peaches, grapes, organic frosted toaster pastries (thanks to Whole Foods), Honey Nut Cheerios (straight out of the box), chicken soup (from various cans, cartons, and locations), Wheat Thins (however I am losing my taste for them), organic gluten free chicken tenders, lima beans, and plain potato gnocchi w/ Parmesan cheese.  Ick.  Makes me sick to think about eating.  Dinner is by far my least favorite meal of the day lately.

In other news, not related to me, one of my friends found out that she is pregnant on Thursday.  Before you get angry about another pregnant person, please listen to her back-story.  She tried for 2 years to get pregnant on her own.  No periods, thus no dice.  She went to a fertility clinic and they couldn't really find anything wrong with her so they just diagnosed her as PCOS (she has none of the PCOS symptoms other than not ovulating) and told her to try IUI with injections.  She tried that and had several chemical pregnancies.  She moved on to IVF (one fresh and one frozen).  She then went on to have 2 miscarriages at around 7 1/2 weeks.  One D&C and one spontaneous.  Luckily her next fresh cycle gave her an adorable baby boy.

When her baby was almost a year she figured she would try again.  She started trying on her own first and lo and behold she got pregnant on the first try!  Unfortunately she found out at about 7 weeks that she had a blighted ovum.  She had another D&C.

She waited until she got her period after the D&C, excited that she could get pregnant on her own, and then tried again (I showed her how to temp and use FF).  She ovulated on day 46, but ended up with a positive pregnancy test this cycle.  She has been spotting and sporadically bleeding though, which she experienced with her blighted ovum, so she is scared to death.  Her first beta on Thursday at 14dpo was HCG- 147, Progesterone- 26.  The nurse told her that was low, put her on progesterone suppositories, and scared her even more.  I checked Betabase  and found her numbers to be spot on, with the average at 14dpo being HCG-103.  She has her second draw today so maybe say a little prayer that we have a double here.  She has been through so much and deserves for this to work out.

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