I can't help but feel a little hurt

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A few weeks back I wrote about a girl at work that I found out was pregnant.  She had posted a cryptic "I'm so happy :)" message on FB that I was easily able to decipher since several of my close girl friends had also done the same thing when they found out that they were pregnant.  I knew that she was going to start trying because we had talked about it a lot in the fall.  I also knew that she was still on the fence about having kids at all because she liked having "her life" the way that it was and being able to go out whenever and jet-set off to the Bahamas for a weekend if she and her husband felt like it.

She was really supportive of me following my 3rd miscarriage, even though she really had no idea how I was actually feeling.  She had a close friend who had 4 (mostly unexplained) miscarriages in a row and then went on to have 3 kids.  Hearing about her friend always gave me hope that I might be like her some day.  When I got pregnant with this baby, I ended up telling her around 9 weeks because we saw each other a lot then and it was getting hard to keep the secret.  She was really great and listened to all of my worries and concerns and gave positive feedback.  It helped to have such a positive spin put on everything.  I really needed that.

I had not seen her much around the holidays because I was so busy with work and other stressful situations around the house.  We had talked and gone for a coffee here and there after Christmas, but not like we had in the fall.  After seeing the FB message, I assumed that she would be telling me very soon about her pregnancy.  I ended up being wrong about that.

A co-worker of mine, who sits right near here and works more closely with her in the office than I, spilled the beans to me when I commented to him that I thought she was pregnant.  Almost a month ago he told me that she was indeed over 12 weeks pregnant and was staying home a lot to cope with her morning sickness.

Of course my first reaction was jealousy.  Of course it was easy for her.  I did know that this was coming though and so I expected it.  It was not a shock, but it still took a minute to get used to.  After the initial pangs of jealousy wore off I actually felt excited to have another pregnant person in the office to relate to.  I could actually be the one giving the advice this time!

As the weeks rolled on, I still had not heard a peep from her about the pregnancy.  We have gone to lunch and coffee several times and she has not mentioned it to me.  She has asked me tons of questions about the beginning of my pregnancy though and how I felt and coped etc.  All of her conversations have been centered around the "if we get pregnant" or "when we get pregnant", I'll need to know this info, kind of thing. I must have played dumb pretty well because I don't think she had any idea that I knew.

Last week, I was sure she was going to tell me when she invited me out to lunch.  Not to be mean, but she looked totally awful, compared to what she usually looks like.  She normally wears a ton of makeup, does her hair, wears fitting (but still classy) clothing to work.  That particular day she had no makeup, hair messy, and baggy clothes on.  She was pale and definitely had put on a few pounds.  We sat at lunch (while she pounded 2 trays of cooked sushi, a bean and pasta salad, and fruit salad in the time it took me to eat one salad with chicken) and talked for a full hour and she NEVER brought up the pregnancy.  I asked leading questions about what she had been up to and the like, but got nothing.  She is going on vacation to the Caribbean next week and she only barely talked about that. She pretty much only wanted to talk about my pregnancy.  How boring.

I had another conversation with the guy co-worker at the end of last week and I mentioned to him that she still had not told me the news.  He was slightly shocked, but told me that she was dealing with some potential bad news that she was having a tough time dealing with.  Apparently the baby had a couple of down syndrome markers on the NT scan.  She had an amnio done and was waiting on the results.  I was more than shocked at this news and at the fact that she had not told me out of all of the people at work.  She told this guy who she is constantly bitching about and hates!  Seriously every one of our conversations includes her talking about how much he sucks.

I also heard from another one of my friends that she was crying in the kitchen about it and 2 other girls who she is not friends with were consoling her.  Hearing this made me upset because I feel like I understand everything that she is going through.  I have been there.  Why hasn't she told me?

I talked to the co-worker today and he told me that her test came back normal, so no down syndrome.  She is now over 16 weeks pregnant and she still hasn't mentioned it to me.  In a last ditch effort to see if she would tell me, I asked her to coffee this afternoon.  She emailed me that she is home sick and that it wouldn't be good for me to be around her while I am pregnant anyways.  WTF?  She is going on vacation next week so obviously she won't be telling me then.

I know I am just being irrational here, but I needed to get this out because it has been weighing on me for the past few weeks.  I don't know why this is bothering me so much.  We obviously aren't the closest of friends, but I figured that after I had shared a lot with her that she would so the same with me.  She is the closest in age to me at my work and we hang out outside the office occasionally.  I dunno, I guess I am just sad that she doesn't feel like she can trust me or that I will understand.

Ok that's all.  Just had to get that out.  Not even sure if what I wrote makes sense to anyone.

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9 Responses to “I can't help but feel a little hurt”

  1. Wow. That seems more than a little strange. Do you think it might be because she does not know how to tell you after she got pregnant so easily? I just 16 weeks is hard to hide, though. I would assume her charade would have to be up soon!

    1. That was definitely one of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I have a hard time believing that she would be that considerate though, having never dealt with any type of infertility or loss. I don't know. My husband told me I should just ask her, but I wouldn't do that. If this whole things has taught me anything it is to not ask those types of questions! I guess time will tell...

  2. I have to agree with your husband...since you KNOW she is pregnant, I think you should just ask her. Really. When I suspected my sister was pregnant, I just came out and asked her because I didn't want to spend weeks on end agonizing over it. And maybe then your friend would tell you why she didn't tell you sooner. I do think it's very odd and actually a little thoughtless that she hasn't told you already. Doesn't she know that if she tells other people you know, you're bound to find out at some point? I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt, D. This would sting me too, so you're definitely not wrong in the way you feel.

  3. That is odd and I don't even really know what could be an explanation, especially since you know she's pregnant. Maybe it's like Belle said and she's feeling some guilt that it was so easy for her. I honestly don't know, though. I do understand being hurt since it seems you were closer than this.

    I'm with you on the not asking questions. She'll have to say something eventually, though.

  4. That's super strange. I would just flat out ask her. Or just say people have been telling you she is pregnant and is everything ok? Goodness me!

  5. I don't understand her reasoning for not telling you either! Maybe she doesn't want to take away from you being pregnant? That's the only thing I can think of. But she has to know if she tells others that you will find out. Have you said anything like "how is ttc going" when she is asking about your pregnancy?

    1. No I haven't, but that is a great idea! :)

  6. I can understand why you are hurt, I agree with just coming out and asking, at least then you can find out why?

  7. I think you should go ahead and ask her in a really sensitive manner..maybe she is still feeling distressed following her NT scan/amnio ordeal? She probably started out feeling really confident about all things pregnancy and was then knocked for six by that worrying news. I don't know if it was because of all my miscarriages but with this pregnancy I didn't feel comfortable telling people or spending time amongst other mums-to-be until after that terrifying 20 week anomaly scan. I hope everything works out between you two and this brings you closer as friends- it'll be lovely for you to have a friend at work with a bub so close in age to yours! Alix xx