In continuation of my guest blogger Thursday's, my sister has written me a post for today.  She is the 3rd sister in the birth order of my siblings and I (I am the oldest).  She is 28 years old and is the only sister that lives near me.  She has been amazing through the past year and has helped me through some pretty terrible and sad times.  She is optimistic and always helps me to see the silver lining.  I am lucky and thankful to have her as a little sis (even though sometimes her advice is as good as that of a bigger sis).  :)

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***Warning- this is kind of long and kind of an uncomfortable topic***

I made the decision to "come out" about my pregnancy to my group therapy leader after my first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks.  I thought about quitting the group completely, but then I remembered how much I had paid for it and how much of a benefit that I saw after just a few weeks of going.  I sent her an email and explained to her that I was not ready to tell anyone else yet.  She agreed to keep it between us, but she encouraged me to let her tell the others (group policy) as soon as I felt comfortable.

In the group, we have had a steady stream of bad news over the past few weeks.  Learning of one girl's issue with MFI, another girl's chemical pregnancy and being told by a doctor that she was in for a "marathon and not a sprint", and yet another girls issue with bad eggs, made me not want to divulge my information. 

Not feeling comfortable enough to share with the group kind of bothered me though because I signed up for the group and fully disclosed that my issue was not with getting pregnant necessarily, but with staying pregnant (also considered by doctors as "infertility").  Some of the girls had issue with the fact that I was not doing IVF and mentioned to me that they were jealous that I was ever able to get pregnant even though I miscarried habitually.  I am the only one in the group who is not currently undergoing IVF or waiting on the bench to start (one other girl just finished her last IUI and is now moving to IVF).  This always made me feel slightly awkward.

Another thing that bothered me was the whole "buddy assignment".  I was paired up with a buddy who lives the closest to me, which was basically no one, so they set me up with someone who lives near my work.  She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, but we have absolutely nothing in common other than the desire to have a baby.  She is 10 years older than me.  She was recently married.  She is being denied infertility coverage because of her age and her FSH level.  She is possibly looking into egg donation.  I am totally jealous of other girls in the group who have formed close friendships with their buddies.  They even have get-togethers with their husbands.  We are supposed to call or visit our buddies weekly outside of the group.  I have made attempts to contact my buddy through email and have even tried to get together (I got sick).  She hasn't even made an effort to email me other than in response to one of my emails.  I haven't even talked to her in the past 2-3 weeks because I basically gave up.  What's the point?

I attended a session about a week and a half ago and I found myself lying when people asked me about where I was in my treatment.  I told everyone that asked that we were taking a break and left it at that.  Basically, after I found out that I was pregnant, I started to get less and less out of the group because I stopped sharing.  I even skipped last week's session.  After finally getting a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls last Thursday, I decided to let the leader spill it to everyone.  I was nervous, but done with the hiding.

Last night we had a session where husbands were encouraged to attend.  I dragged my husband there.  He wanted to go to Crossfit, but agreed that he would go, for me.  The guys had their own session while we had a Q&A session with the founder of the program.  Immediately upon walking into the room, I noticed a different attitude towards me from the girls.  No one said hi.  No one made eye contact with me.  Everyone was kind of whispering.  It was like I was the uncool kid in first grade that no one wanted to associate with.  I felt totally uncomfortable and probably should have just left then.

I brought some food/paper products as one of those assigned to bring food for the evening.  As I was arranging stuff in bowls, one of the girls (who I actually find to be the most genuine and nice) touched my shoulder and whispered, "Congrats.  I am so happy for you."  I thanked her and told her how nervous I was about everything and she said she totally understood.  I felt a little better after that.

The session itself was ok although I felt weird because no one would talk to me before the conversation started.  I tried making jokes and small talk and no one would even slightly entertain me.  Most of the questions were centered around egg donation and insurance coverage, which I am not that interested in.  We talked very little about adoption, which I am interested in.  I really wanted to ask a question about RPL, but could not get a word in edgewise.  Several of the girls monopolized the entire conversation.  I didn't even end up opening my mouth.  I think I was the only one who didn't.

After the speaker left, and before the guys came back, the group leader started talking.  I had to pee really bad so I made a quiet exit.  I was only gone for 3-4 minutes at most.  When I got back the entire conversation had changed somehow to "elephants in the room" and people "dealing" with those that were newly pregnant.  Ironically enough, this conversation started when I left the room and coming into it after it was started made me feel really awkward.  The other pregnant girl in the room started talking about her experiences with being newly pregnant and her buddy quickly chimed in saying that she was so happy for her and that it gave her so much hope.  Other girls also chimed in and said how happy they were for her.  After all, she went through 4 rounds of IVF, I did not.  I guess losing 3 babies in a year isn't a big deal to most of those girls since I could get pregnant.  No one mentioned me.  No one acknowledged that I was also pregnant.  I almost felt like I wasn't even there.  This conversation seemed to go on forever.  At one point I decided I had enough and was going to say something to stop all of the tension, but then the guys paraded back in and that was the end of that. 

My husband came in and immediately sensed my tension level.  He asked if I was ok and I nodded.  We still had an hour of the session left.  The group leader mentioned that we finished early so she was going to let us all out ahead of schedule.  I was jumping for joy inside.  Then at the last minute she decided to do a group relaxation exercise.  I felt the wind knocked out of me.  I don't think I have ever been so tense during a relaxation, EVER.  I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to leave.

After the relaxation she said we were free to mingle with everyone else or we could head off.  I gathered up my bowls and tried to pawn off the rest of the leftover food, but everyone ignored me.  Seriously.  My husband helped me pick up and then I told him I was ready to go.  He said goodbye to several guys and they responded back.  I said goodbye and no one even turned around.  Everyone was busy chatting.  Everyone but me.

I need more time to process everything before I can write about how this all really made me feel.  I know that infertility is hard.  I have been dealing with it for a while now.  Seeing others get pregnant is hard and it fucking sucks because it is them and not you.  I hate it.  I fucking get it.  I have watched my friend get pregnant with their second child when I can't even seem to have one.  At least show a little compassion for me knowing that getting pregnant isn't my hardest battle and tell me that it is hard to hear about yet another pregnancy, but acknowledging my struggle.  Acknowledge that I am here.  Acknowledge that the hardest part for me lies just ahead.  Give me a little support since that is what the group is supposed to be about.

Needless to say, I will NOT be returning to that group. 

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I can't believe that my little angel is turning 4 today.  It seems like just yesterday we were driving him home from the breeder's house in his little "baby's blankie" that he then, a few hours later, made a complete mess on.  I remember the first night in his crate when he was crying so loud and all I wanted to do was snuggle him.  I remember him getting fresh with my cats and always having little gashes on his nose from their scratches.  I remember him starting out as the worst "kid" in his obedience class, but graduating as one of the best.

He has been mischievous though and gotten in to trouble several times, too.  Then there was the time that he snuck off on Christmas Eve and ate 2 tampons then puked them up.  Or the time that he ate some cotton make-up remover pads and I spent several hours on the phone with poison control trying to figure how to make him recover (lots of wheat bread and Triscuits, haha).  There have also been several incidents involving him climbing up on the counter to get something like butter or cheese.

He has grown up to be such a great companion and has gotten my husband and I through some really rough times over the past year.  He is always willing to go for a walk or to snuggle up and take a nap.  He will retrieve for hours if you have a tennis ball to throw him.  He is truly man (and woman's) best friend.

Here are some pictures of him through the years from looking like a rat to being the handsome boy that he is today.  Happy Birthday to my "Son Dog"!!

 

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Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

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Hi everyone.  You are probably sick of listening to me day and and day out, especially since you know all I am going to do is tell you how anxious I am about tomorrow's ultrasound, AGAIN.  I figured that I would start giving up the white space once a week or every other week (depends on how much interest I can muster up amongst my loved ones) to someone close to me who is going through this journey with me.  Keep in mind that the below was written by my husband has not been edited in any way by me.  It is all written in his words.  Enjoy!

I've been asked by my wife to write this guest blog.  A change of pace from the emails I write at work every day.  I suppose I can be a little more open and honest, which is refreshing.  Most of, well I guess all of, the writing I do is to colleagues and business partners.  I don't often get to type phrases like, "that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you must have been dropped as a child" or "you clearly have no fucking idea what you're talking about, is this your first day?", though I'm tempted on a daily basis to do so.  These are also phrases I've had to refrain from uttering to doctors, nurses and the occasional friend over the past year.

Lately I've been extremely busy at work which has been good.  Both because it means I'm making money (I can't lie, it's a good feeling) and because it keeps my mind off of the situation at hand.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fully involved and try to be supportive of my wife at all times.  After all, she has to deal with the physical aspect of this as well as the mental; she's got it much harder in this than I ever will.  But rather than sit at work preoccupied with all of the terrible thoughts going through my head I've been forced to stay on task and get things done.  But when I do have time to reflect I'm as confused as ever.  Now on the fourth time around it's harder than ever to know how to feel.  I've had my heart broken 3 times so I'm guarded.  At the same time I'm so excited.  I never thought that I would be a father, now it's all that matters to me.  It can't happen four times in a row, right?  No tests have shown anything wrong with either of us, we're healthy, relatively young.  All the doctors have said about the first three losses is that it's basically just bad luck.  That's pretty fucking bad luck.  How many mirrors have I broken in my life...?

So tomorrow we go for an ultrasound at which we should hear a heartbeat.  Though I want to find out, I'm kind of dreading it.  God I fucking hate that place.  All I've ever experienced is them searching and searching, measuring, readjusting, trying again, and again...the tech isn't saying anything, it's bad news, shit, I can see it in her face, call in the senior tech to see if she can find anything better, nothing.  It's hard to be positive when that's all you know.  But my wife is different this time, so I'm hopeful.  I have to be.  She seems to be having continuing pregnancy-like symptoms which is good.  And it can't happen four times in a row......right??

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In all my years of owning a cell phone (since the year 2000, I believe) I have never had to hear the unfriendly reminder message that my mailbox was full and that I should delete some saved messages so that I could continue receiving new ones.  Well I got to hear that message for the first time today when I saw that I had 4 new voicemails and immediately upon dialing voicemail, I got the unfriendly reminder.  Oops.

My 4 new voicemails included 2 automated messages reminding me of my ultrasound and follow-up with my RE on Friday.  Gulp.  The next one was a message from one of my RE's nurses saying that they wanted to up my does of Levo to 50 mcg.  The message after that was also from the same nurse telling me that she had misread my chart and that I could stay on the 25 mcg as long as I came back for a follow-up in 3 weeks.  Sigh.  Another mix-up.  The story of my life with that place.  At least they were able to correct it without getting me involved.

After listening to and deleting the new messages I moved on to the archived messages.  I hate deleting old messages because I hate listening to them.  I hate listening to them even more so when I know that my last year has been littered with upsetting messages.  I had no idea how far back those messages went and what I had kept, but I quickly found out.

The first, oldest, and most upsetting message was from the hospital calling to confirm my D&C in March.  I listened up until the point of them telling me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior and I lost it.  Completely bawling my eyes out.  Why on earth did I save that message?  Talk about ripping off a scab.  Delete.

Next few messages were from my mortgage company regarding my refinance that has been going on since, yes, March and is still not closed.  Reminds me to call those assholes tomorrow to see what the hell is up with that.  Delete, delete, delete, delete...

The next most upsetting message was from my RE explaining that results of my last baby's chromosome analysis was abnormal for isochromosome 8 and that is what "explained" my last miscarriage.  More tears.  I guess I just saved it in case I needed to go back and research it later.  Delete.

I had a couple of messages from the psychologist's office confirming appointments and giving directions.  No need to keep those...delete, delete.

After a few more stupid messages from the fertility pharmacy and FedEx, the last message made me cry, again.  It was recent.  From the one of my RE's nurses (the one I like the best) wishing me congratulations on my very positive pregnancy test.  I lost it again.  You can imagine my dog staring at me in complete wonder when I would cry, delete, cry, delete.  He laid his head on my lap and looked at me with the kind of worry that only a doggie has.  Gosh, I love him.

I didn't delete that message.  I couldn't.  It was the only happy one out of them all, but it still made me cry.  They weren't tears of joy either, unfortunately.  They were anxious tears.  Uncertain tears.  Worried tears.  Will I ever not feel this way?  Worried that at any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me yet again?  Scared that this child might have the same fate as the last 3?  I am trying so hard to be positive, but I am failing at that.  My thoughts always go back to negative "what ifs?".

Sorry for all of the really depressed sounding posts lately.  As Trisha at The Elusive Second Line mentioned in her post today, I am not always sad and depressed, either.  Normally I am a fun and cheery person.  I have always been optimistic, but realistic.  I am sort of all over the place right now, up and down, side to side, and I feel like I can really share all of those thoughts in this venue without judgement.  So thanks to you all, my therapists.  Thanks for continuing to read, continuing to really listen, and continuing to comment when you can.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

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Hi ICLW!  Not sure if many are interested in my blog anymore now that I am sort of pregnant, but in case you have also dealt with RPL or loss of any kind you may be in my shoes now or very soon and may be interested in hearing my thoughts.  It is a scary and rather lonely place to be, pregnancy after loss.  You can check out my previous ICLW post to get a handle on the numbers and a look at my timeline to get a little more background on me and my situation.

For this post I figured that I would just do some random thoughts about where I am right now physically, mentally, etc.  This might be a complete mess when I am done with it, but I am not in a particularly organized type of mood this afternoon.  Apologies in advance to anyone reading this!

• I am approximately 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant on my 4th pregnancy in a little over a year.
• I got pregnant for the 4th time on my 3rd Femara cycle with a combination of timed intercourse, OPKs, charting, P.reSeed, M.ucinex, pineapple core (4dpo-8dpo).
• So far I have told some of my immediate family, a few very close IRL friends, and the blogisphere about my pregnancy.  Other than that, no one will find out until I hit 13-14 weeks if I can hide it physically.
• I have minor pregnancy symptoms that include: slightly sore boobs, increased white CM, increased sense of smell (i.e. everything smells gross), intermittent nausea, thirsty, fatigued, multiple trips to the bathroom during the PM, constipation, occasional wacky sex related dreams or dreams in which my sister gets a BFP (she is on birth control and isn't even engaged yet...can you say crazy?) & and a weird itchy rash that started on my inner thighs and is rapidly spreading to my lower legs.  
• I am not craving anything, rather I am uncraving lots of stuff.  Veggies have made it to the top of the list once again.  They were uncraved during my first pregnancy, as well.  I also have very little interest in dairy other than cheddar cheese.  Fish and meat other than chicken doesn't sound that appealing either.
• I have not been exercising much lately.  Other than some shorter walks with my dog (2.5 miles or less), I have not been very active.  Being out of shape is hard for me since I am a runner and avid exerciser.  My husband is too, so seeing him in good shape is tough.  It it means a healthy baby though, I will sit on my ass for the next 8.5 months.
• I did not think that this cycle worked until 14dpo when I tested.  I had no symptoms leading up to my test other than my usual PMS (cramps, irritated, bloated, etc.).  My chart even looked like one of my ovulatory charts.
• I am a serious advocate of charting your BBT and CM in conjunction with using OPKs.  I have converted 2 of my friends to the dark side.  :)
• I am currently scared shitless.  I am always expecting bad news with regards to pregnancy because, until this pregnancy, I have never heard a doctor, nurse, ultrasound tech, etc. utter anything to me that didn't start with the words, "I'm so sorry but..."
• I recently started taking thyroid regulating medication because my TSH is slightly elevated and it is making my hair fall out.
• I am afraid to plan anything in the next few weeks because I am approaching the time that I usually miscarry.
• I have been attending a mind/body infertility group and have not told anyone in the group that I am pregnant other than the group leader/psychologist.  I was the only one in the group NOT doing IVF or IUI.
• Please don't judge me.  I am still jealous of all pregnant women.  I saw a pregnant lady on the train today and I had my usual pangs of jealousy.  Why?  You might ask?  Irrational thoughts: She is a happy pregnant person.  She got pregnant easily and has had an easy pregnancy.  She has never had a miscarriage.  She is more pregnant than I am.  She is going to give birth in a few months/weeks and I am not sure if I am/will.
• I have my "make it or break it" ultrasound on Friday.  I will be just shy of 7 weeks.  I have never had an ultrasound where I have seen the healthy beating heart of a little one.  All of the heartbeats that I have seen have been slow with babies that measured behind.  I feel like if I can see a healthy heartbeat on Friday, I will feel a weight being lifted since I have never had that happen before.

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