I totally forgot that my trip to see my family was coinciding with this month's ICLW that I signed up for.  I was wondering why I was getting so many random comments until I saw that one mentioned ICLW.  Ooops.  I am a little bit behind in my commenting and blogging, but I promise that I will make up for it this week!

I am going to pull some bullets here to catch up on some things for this post, but if I have time later I think I'll start into one of the posts that I have wanted to write about since last week. 

• My trip to see my family was really nice.  I got to celebrate my little sister's sweet 16 and the work that I thought would be ready for me to complete while I was there wasn't done in time so I didn't really have to do much except for respond to a few emails via BlackBerry.  I hung out with my Mom and Grandma mostly, but also got to spend some quality time with my two brothers and sister that still live at home.  We went out for lunch and went for some walks on the bike trail.  The weather was nice on a few days so we got to enjoy the lovely fall colors.  Yesterday, right before my flight back home, I asked my Mom to stop by the florist so that I could get some flowers to put on my Dad's grave.  Yesterday was what would have been his 56th birthday.  My Grandma (his Mom) went with us, but had a really tough time being at the cemetery.  She had not been there since his funeral 6 1/2 years ago.  It was hard to see her crying because she is usually so strong.  I was glad that I went though.  I know he isn't really there, but I felt like he was, in spirit.
• So far I have completed 2 therapy sessions with my new therapist.  So far, I really like her.  She is an older lady who has an extremely calming personality.  Her office overlooks a pond, so it is very peaceful there.  The first visit she spent mostly getting to know me and the second visit she focused more on getting my anxiety (surrounding pregnancy) under control with some guided deep meditation.  She also helped me deal with the small amount of anxiety that I was feeling about flying in general and flying while pregnant.  It really helped me because I did not have my usual anxiety-ridden flight.   My next appointment is Nov. 1.  I really am starting to feel way more relaxed, in general.  I am not sure if it is the therapy or just the natural progression of things.
• I found out a week and a half ago that the friend that I mentioned in a previous post that was pregnant and due in May after 5 miscarriages and 1 live birth (from IVF), had yet another miscarriage.  She went in for her 8 week ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat.  She ended up having a D&C yesterday (her 4th).  I feel so bad for her.  I know exactly how she is feeling, yet I wasn't sure what to say to her when I found out.  How do you console someone who is losing their 6th baby?  I let her know that I am here for her and sent her some flowers.  I am hoping to walk with her at the end of the week.  She is amazingly strong and is going in to her fertility clinic today to try to get some answers.  I really hope they can give her some hope.
• I got the second part of my quad-screen blood taken last Tuesday.  I arrived at the hospital right at 7 AM hoping to get in and out.  Turns out that I had the wrong paperwork and the lab would not draw my blood until I had the right papers.  I had to wait until 8 AM until the doctor's office opened so that they could give me the correct paperwork.  Annoying, yes.  End of the world, no.  I think we get the results next Tuesday...gulp.
• I am now about 15 1/2 weeks as of today.  I still haven't really wrapped my head around things yet. Am I really pregnant still?  Is this possibly going to work out?  The day before yesterday, right before I woke up, I felt what may have been the first flutters of the little Button.  I am still suspicious that it is the little one and not just gas bubbles or something, but it feels like what my Mom and others have described.  Almost like fish swimming around in there.  It is a very surreal feeling.  I still haven't told many people that I am pregnant yet.  I just don't feel like I can go and spread the news around yet without feeling uncomfortable.  Telling my relatives and family friends over the weekend was super hard for me.  I feel like I just don't have the right to be telling people.  I know, I am crazy.
• Finally...ICLWers: Hi!  Apologies for the late into.  You can find out more about me here and here.  I promise to get around to commenting, responding to comments, and blogging for real this week.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am excited to catch up!!

...but I have had no time to put it on the blog screen.  Therapy, adventures at the hospital, more friends miscarrying, arguments with my husband out this unborn child (already), the list goes on.  Work has been consuming my life, especially with me cramming 5 days of work into 3, though, so no time to update now.  Oh and I leaving to visit my family tomorrow evening for the next several days so I am not sure that I am going to have a whole ton of time to write in the next few days.  I do have to bring my laptop for work, so I may write in the evenings.  Stay tuned.

Yesterday, I recognized National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by lighting 3 candles.  One candle was lit for each of the babies that I lost.  I chose the candles in 3 sizes.  One for my oldest baby who passed at 8.5 weeks, one for my chemical baby, and one for the baby I lost at 6ish weeks.  My husband wasn't home at 7 PM so I lit them with my dog and 2 kitties present.  One of my cats was very interested in the lighting and sat right next to them.  Kind of cute I thought.  It felt so good to honor the little ones that I never got the chance to meet.  I know yesterday was hard for others who also remembered their lost babies.  It was so nice to see how many honored their babies in such lovely ways.

For each little one that was lost.

This morning started off really shitty and then just got shittier.  It was raining, but not pouring rain.  It was the type of misty rain that you didn't really need an umbrella for, but if you didn't use one your makeup would look like Kiss and your hair would look like Medusa.  Yuck.  The weather around here has been so crappy lately.  Rainy, cloudy, misty, cool, damp...yuck.  It is these kinds of days that I just want to stay in bed.

I had my mini-umbrella (I have a G.ust B.uster for the pouring rain kind of days), slip-on sneakers (I have my snazzy C.oach rain boots for the pouring rain kind of days), and my waterproof rain jacket.  I took the train and thankfully it was on time.  When I got into the city it was still misting, but not full-out raining, so I decided to walk the almost 1 mile to work to get some exercise.  Not sure if you see where this is heading yet, but you may be able to connect the dots...

About half-way through the walk, I had an unfortunate accident.  I was taking a shortcut through a fenced off area of tables (I do it all the time) and I hurriedly went to step over the short fence when my left foot decided to slip out from under me, rendering me smack on my back on the wet and dirty brick walkway.  There were no people around as I commute in early, but a bus full of people and some cars driving by most definitely caught my spill.  I was embarrassed, yes.  No one likes to take a public tumble.

***TIMEOUT***  Now I have fallen many times walking to and from work.  Fallen up and down the stairs at the subway.  I have slipped on ice and started crying many times.  I have tripped over loose bricks and stones in walkways.  I have also gone to trip, but caught myself before actually toppling over even more times.  I wouldn't say that I am klutzy, but I have had my moments because I walk very, very, fast.  I am the kind of person that tourists fear.  I'll run you over if you are possibly going to make me late for work or my train.  Move over people...hustling commuter coming through.  I don't stop for anyone so get out of my way.  I think I could be a race walker.  No one at work likes walking with me because I walk so fast!  ***BACK TO THIS MORNING***

At first I just pulled myself up, wiped my dirty hands off, and carefully stepped over the fence.  I started walking, kind of stunned, and then I remembered, "You asshole.  You are pregnant."  Then I imagined my baby stunned and clinging to life because I felt the need to hustle to work so I could get there at 7:12 AM instead of 7:15 AM.  That image made me tear up.  I felt like punching myself in the face.

I held it together until I got to work.  Then I started to get upset.  I called my husband and had trouble getting out words.  "Slipped...fell...baby...hurt(?)...calling...doctor...".  He tried to get me to calm down, but at this point I was inconsolable.  So pissed at myself for giving this baby yet another potential obstacle to overcome.

I literally stared at my computer screen for 45 minutes.  As soon as the clock turned 8:00 AM, I dialed the doctor.  Of course they were already jammed up so I left a frantic and tearful message.  I begged them to see me.  Luckily the nurse called me back less than an hour later.  She told me that there was almost no chance that I did any damage to the baby with the way that I fell (on my back as opposed to my stomach) and how early it was but she agreed that it would be best to have me come in so I could be checked out.

I left work immediately after writing a quick note to my boss and made the 40 minute trek to the hospital.  I was so petrified that I would fall again that I was walking like a 90 year old lady.  I don't think my eyes left the pavement for one minute.

Once I got to the hospital, I sat and waited for about 45 minutes.  I didn't even care though.  I just wanted to be seen.  My friend, B just happened to be there with her mom for her 30 week NST.  It was so comforting to see her.  Not sure what it was, but just seeing her made me calm down.  She went in for her appointment and came out and I was still waiting.  She and her mom waited with me until I was finally called.  (If you are reading this...B, thank you and love you!!).

They took my blood pressure, which was more normal, finally!  118/66.  I also did another pee sample.  Then the nurse asked me questions about my fall and got out the mini-ultrasound machine.  There was baby, happily moving arms and legs.  Little heart beating away, blissfully unaware of the tumultuous morning that I had had.  I felt so much better.  The nurse told me to slow down and be careful.  I knew this.  Hearing it helped to cement it into my thick skull.

While I was there I mentioned to the doctor that I had been having back pain for the past week or so (worse at night).  She recommended a urine culture to make sure I didn't have a kidney infection, so I went back to the bathroom to pee.  Luckily I can almost pee on command at this point with my small bladder and the amount of water I drink.  She told me that they would call me if it was positive, but she didn't think I had an issue.

I left there feeling good.  Glad I went there.  Happy they treated me so well.  Happy to see my little baby.  Happy that the day was getting better.  I walked back to work and then back to the train in the afternoon, very carefully.  I even let some other commuters pass me (which, I will admit, did bother me), but I tried to keep picturing that little baby, swimming away in my uterus.  All the incentive I needed.

I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)

Sorry that this update is kind of late.  We didn't get home from the appointment until almost 7 PM on Tuesday and I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to write an update.  Thus, this might be rather short because I am again on a time crunch.  I have a huge presentation of my new product to our COO/CTO today and I am once again under the gun!

The exam, overall, went well even though we had a tough time getting there.  I thought the exam was at 3:45 PM, when in fact I realized on Tuesday that it was at 2:45 PM.  Ooops.  I called my husband (freaking out) to let him know that we would need to leave early.  Luckily, that wasn't a huge problem.  Then, on the drive there, we got stuck in a huge traffic jam because some jerk-off decided to drive his tractor-trailer in a tunnel with a low clearance and got stuck.  We finally got to the hospital and as soon as we checked in and sat down in the very crowded waiting room, the fire alarm went off.  They closed up parts of the hospital and things were pretty stagnant for 25 minutes.  Needless to say, it didn't matter that we were 10 minutes late.

After sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes, anxious/nauseous/heart beating out of my chest, we finally got called in for the scan part of the exam.  The tech was really nice.  I told him how nervous I was and he immediately put me at ease when he showed me the wiggly baby on the screen with a happily beating heart.  I was able to breathe a little more after that.  It was so cool to see the little waving hands and the little feet.  It really did seem surreal.

The baby really wanted to be in either a downward or upward facing position so the tech was having a tough time getting measurements.  He would try to coax the baby to the side position with the ultrasound wand, but the baby would flip right back to one of the original positions.  Very stubborn, that is definitely my child in there.  Finally he was able to get the baby into a good position and get some measurements.  He told us the measurement was 1.6 mm after measuring 2 times and said the baby looked good and healthy.  He then left and sent in the radiologist for a final review.

The radiologist then came in with a resident and they started scanning again.  Of course, the baby went back to one of the more comfortable positions.  She told us that the baby was measuring 13.3 weeks (even though I was 12 weeks 4 days, by my dating ultrasound).  She got the baby to turn into a side view position with some more pushing with the wand, snapped some measurements, then asked us is we wanted a guess on the gender.  Ummmm, yes!  Unfortunately my husband refuses to let me say anything to anyone so I can't say what they said.  We need a few more weeks to make that part of things official.

After the scan we headed over to the doctor's office.  For some reason I was still really anxious while sitting in the waiting room. Of course the first thing they did when I got into the exam room was to take my blood pressure.  Again, it was high, 138/70.  I could tell that I was anxious and I told the tech again.  She said the doctor would review it.  Always something.

The doctor came in and looked over the test results and said that everything looked good.  He explained a little more about the 2 part NT exam that I had opted for (I wasn't really sure which one to pick, but he recommended that one at my first appointment, so I complied).  Basically, I had the ultrasound and got blood taken on Tuesday and I have to go back for more blood work on 10/16.  Then I find out the results at my appointment on 10/30.  More things for me to worry about and obsess over, yay.  We talked a little about my blood pressure and he mentioned that I may have developed "White Coat Syndrome" due to my history of miscarriage.  This is when blood pressure spikes when anxiety related to a doctor's visit occurs.  He said that he wasn't worried about it right now, but that he might send me home with a monitor if it continues to be high when I visit.  Ummm yeah I can tell you right now that it will continue to be high each time I visit because I am now conditioned to feel this way after 3 miscarriages.  I ALWAYS expect bad news at an appointment regarding pregnancy.  Awesome.

We left the appointment feeling pretty good about things and excited to call my grandma.  I then happened to glance at the report in the car and I noticed that the report said the NT thickness was 2.0.  I was kind of confused since the tech told us that it was 1.6.  How did the estimate change so much??  I know that anything under 2.6 is considered to be a "normal" screen, but of course seeing a 2 on that paper scared me and sent me into a G.oogle frenzy when I got home.  That G.oogle frenzy led to me to another piece of the puzzle that neither the doctor nor the radiologist mentioned...the presence or absence of a nasal bone.  Why can't I believe it when the high-risk OB who specializes in dealing with people who have abnormal scans on a regular basis, tells me that the scan was normal?  What the heck is wrong with me?  Why don't I trust doctors and think that I can come up with more accurate diagnoses via the Internet?  I always do this to myself.  It is like I am trying to convince myself that there is a problem now.  Another miscarriage casualty.  Does anyone else do this or does the cheese stand alone here?

To end this post that I thought would be short, but ended up not being so short, we did call me grandma on the way home.  She was beyond ecstatic, as we expected.  It was so nice telling her that she would probably become a great grandmother in a few months.  :)

If you are interested, click over to see some pics of our growing Button.  Doesn't really look like a button anymore!

I can honestly say that this is a post that I was never really sure that I would ever have the opportunity to write.  If you would have asked me back in March if I thought I would ever be able to use myself and 12 weeks in the same sentence I would have really struggled to answer the question.  I am almost in shock that I am here.  So grateful, so happy, but still so nervous.

I cry a little bit on most days, probably due a lot to my wacky hormones.  Usually the crying is due to my thankfulness of where I am right now and thinking back to where I was last year at this time.  I also cry out of guilt.  I cry because of my friends that I know that are trying and trying with no luck.  I cry for my friends that continue to experience loss after loss with no explanations.  I cry for my friends that are in pregnancy limbo and waiting for news.  I cry because it is all so unfair.

I struggle with how and when to write updates about this pregnancy.  I know that I want to document this for my memory, as well as for anyone else who might be reading this.  I want to give women who have been dealing with similar situations to my own, hope.  I know I always look to posts regarding early pregnancy.  For some reason it helps me to feel better about where I am.  So here goes with how things are going for me at 12 weeks.

At 12 weeks I am just starting to show.  I can't button my normal pants anymore and have been wearing mostly dresses and stretchy skirts to work.  I bought a band to put over my regular pants, but I have not yet tried it because it has been warm enough to wear skirts/dresses to work.  Maybe next week.

My symptoms at this point mostly consist of nausea most of the day, constipation, & general tiredness.  Also, today my left eye has started twitching.  Not sure if this is or isn't related to pregnancy, but it is very annoying!  I am also still getting up a lot to go to the bathroom and my upper back has been hurting.  I am thinking it is because my small rack, has increased by a size or two and is making me slouch.

My TSH is back to the normal range and down to 1.24 thanks to the meds!  Also, all of my other thyroid tests came back normal (including anti-thyroid antibody), so that is one less thing for me to worry about at this point.  I have another appointment with the endocrinologist at he end of October for my follow-up.

I have my NT exam on Tuesday afternoon.  I am pretty nervous about this.  I know they will do the scan first and then take blood.  I am hoping and praying that everything goes well with this exam because it is taking everything in me not to tell my grandma!  She is the person that I have been wanting to tell about this baby so much.  I know how badly she wants to become a great grandmother.  She knows nothing of our struggles or miscarriages because I didn't want to give her bad news (all she gets at her age is news of people dying or getting terminal illnesses so I have felt the need to protect her).  I will also finally tell my boss if things go well.  Then she will understand why I have been "working from home" a lot lately.

I have been using the doppler once or twice a week since that first night a few weeks ago.  I can now find the baby pretty fast, but not for very long because he (I am thinking boy) moves a lot.  He also kicks.  If you want to see some picture/video updates, click here and then scroll to the bottom.  Please keep my in your thoughts and prayers next week.  

Last October, after my first miscarriage, I joined a private support group on B.aby C.enter for people who had lost babies with an EDD of April, 2012.  I didn't expect much, but I figured that being able to commiserate with women who were in my shoes might help me with the healing process.  To some extent, I was right.

It was great to have a place to be able to vent and discuss my concerns following my miscarriage.  Some of the women got pregnant immediately after their miscarriages and some were waiting longer to try again.  Still others had yet another miscarriage.  I, unfortunately, fell into the later category. 

After I had my second miscarriage, those ladies helped me to stay sane.  They helped me to keep a positive outlook, when all I really wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and hibernate.  I found myself checking BBC regularly and even while I was at work.  You might say that I got slightly obsessed with it, but seemed to be helping me work though my stresses regarding my miscarriages.

At a certain point, the group decided to become more personal and move over to a private F.acebook group.  At this point in time, FB had gotten harder for me to use, but I hadn't completely stopped using it.  The FB group was great.  I got to become much closer with the girls from the group and it was nice to be able to put faces with names.  By the time the group had flipped from BBC to FB, several of the girls were fairly pregnant and  most everyone else (with the exception of a few who had medical reasons or personal reasons) was adamantly trying to get pregnant.  The private homepage was becoming a place where I would spend a ton of my time.  We would obsess over share our FF charts, opks, and pregnancy tests.  We had a spreadsheet with everyone's contact info.  It was a lot of fun.  Those girls really became a huge part of my life.

Fast forward to February.  I would say that about 50% of the group was pregnant at the point that I got my 3rd BFP.  I got my BFP right around the same time that 3 other girls got their BFPs as well.  It was very exciting!  We would all be due in November, 2012.  We all shared our FRERs (pregnancy tests) and then betas.  Then we started sharing ultrasound results and photos.  That's when I got bad news.  My pregnancy wasn't viable.  Everyone else had happy news to share and cutsie pictures of their little beans.  I had to share news of yet another miscarriage and D&C.  I was devastated and angry.

I made the decision to step away from the group and from FB, in general at that point.  I made a last tearful post to the girls who were sincerely upset for me.  Many of them checked up on me for weeks after.  I even got several cards on the EDD of my first miscarried baby.  It was nice to know that they were there, but I needed to take a step back from TTC and my obsession of comparing my life to the lives of my other FB "friends".  All of that comparing to "friends" that had 2-3 kids (when they had been serious binge drinkers all through college) already made me sad, mad, and jealous.  It brought out a terrible side of me that frankly scared me.  I had to break away for my mental well-being.

I managed to stay off of FB for many months.  I think I went on once or twice because I had gotten email notifications of private messages that were sent to me.  It took a while, but I completely broke my obsessive FB checking behavior.  It was around this time that I started my blog.  It was a change of pace, but still very therapeutic for me.  It was my own space where I didn't have to constantly measure myself against others.

Last Saturday, I got the mail and saw that I had a letter from an address that I did not recognize.  I opened it and saw that it was an invitation to a get-together in April of 2014 for all of the girls from the group in Chicago.  Immediately I had tears in my eyes because I could not believe that they still thought to invite me to this event even though I had stopped participating in the group back in March.  Getting this invitation gave me the kick I needed to go onto FB to thank those girls and come out of hiding.

Going back to the group was difficult, but also heartwarming.  So many of the girls have already given birth to their rainbow babies.  Many are quite pregnant or in their second trimester.  Two girls had just recently announced their BFPs.  I read back through a bunch of posts and then decided to add my own.  I thanked them for remembering me and I congratulated them on their exciting news.  The response I got was so nice.  So many of the girls responded and welcomed me back with open arms.  They asked me how I had been and I couldn't bring myself to announce that I was pregnant yet.  I simply said that I was doing well and finally felt like I was finally getting my life back on track. 

I am not sure that I am going to be going back to FB like I once was.  I did change my very stale profile picture and accepted a bunch of outstanding friend requests.  I also saw how many of my other non-April 2012 "friends" were either pregnant or had recently given birth.  It is still bittersweet for me.  Seeing the very pregnant girls that are due in November was hard to take at first, but then when I thought about it, I just had to be happy for them. 

I can't make up for what was lost (time, friends, hope) or change the past, but I can start to move forward again.  I can choose to be happy and thankful for where I am right now.  It sounds crazy to say this, but I think this invitation really gave me the kick that I needed to do that.  Each day that passes, I feel like I am, indeed, moving forward.  Slowly.  But.  Surely.