Infertility and pregnancy loss radar

Friday, March 22, 2013

I think I have developed some type of a sixth sense when it comes to sensing others who are going through infertility and loss.  I feel like I can find these people now or maybe they find me.  I am not sure if anyone else feels like this?  Maybe it is because I am pretty reserved when it comes to talking about this pregnancy or being pregnant with others.  I still am worried about jinxing myself at 37 weeks.  For me, nothing is certain.  Until this baby is in my arms, I will worry.  And then I will just have a different, but whole new, set of worries...

There is a guy at work who's wife went though infertility treatments and they conceived twins only to lose one.  They were never able to have more children.  Somehow this came up one day when we were chatting. Totally random, but now I feel a connection with him that I didn't previously have.

In my childbirth class a few weeks ago, we sat next to an older couple (early 40s).  I had a hunch that they had trouble, but obviously I would never ask.  When it came time to share information, I found out that she had gone through IVF after having some trouble and was delivering at another great hospital near mine.  We immediately "got" each other.

So this brings me to my beautician.  I have only been seeing her for a year now and only because the girl who used to cut my hair for almost 5 years moved.  It was really random that I started seeing this other girl because it was not who the girl I was seeing referred me to.  Anyways, she is about my age.  She is married and has a dog.  She does yoga.  She is a vegetarian.  We have a lot in common.  I see her about every 8-10 weeks or so and we have really good conversations.  When I told her I was pregnant, she was very kind and asked lots of questions, but I could tell that something was off.  I was (and am) still feeling worried about my pregnancy so I was reserved with the info that I offered.  I just had a hunch that she was having difficulties.  Again, I would never have said anything to her about it.

Last weekend I had an appointment.  I got 2 inches chopped (my hair is pretty long right now)!  I am not sure how the subject came up, but it was definitely organic.  I think it started with me talking about my GD and thyroid issues while being pregnant.  She mentioned that they had been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years and had a miscarriage around 10 weeks.  It was at that point that I felt obligated to offer her my information.  It was amazing how the conversation developed at that point.  We had so much more in common than I ever though.  We had been going to the same doctor and both had switched because we hated how they treated our miscarriages.  She had just started on her 3rd round of Clomid and it failed.  She had been pretty upset about it.  I mentioned Femara to her and recommended my RE.  She said that she was in the process of looking for one.  She was a loyal temper and charter and used F.ertility F.riend.  I could feel her pain as she talked to me.  I wanted to give her a hug.

I think that her listening to my trouble and seeing that I was pregnant made her feel better finally where I am sure she once dreaded my visits.  If she is anything like me (which I think she is based on everything we have talked about) knowing that someone didn't have it easy when it came to getting pregnant makes it easier to deal with them when they are pregnant.  It sounds terrible, but it is so true.

It is just so crazy how infertility and pregnancy loss affects so many people.  Before I went through all of this, I never even thought about it.  Now I feel like I am sure tuned into it.  I honestly feel like I am a better more compassionate and understanding person because of it.

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7 Responses to “Infertility and pregnancy loss radar”

  1. I do think that having gone through loss or infertility (or both) makes most of us more empathetic. I didn't talk to her, but I just know that the girl with the hurt look in her eyes when she saw me at the store the other day had lost a baby and hasn't had her rainbow yet.

    It's also amazing to me how many people loss (and infertility, but that's not my journey so far) touches. Before we lost our boy, I knew of only three people who had losses. Now, I am know so many, people I've known for years who never said anything.

  2. I also agree! It is so crazy how many people struggle out there. We are pretty verbal about our struggles and its amazing to see how many people have that in common. Sending many thoughts your way as you prepare for the little one to get here.

  3. You're right...this whole experience does have a way of changing us, giving us a new perspective and allowing us to understand and touch people whom we wouldn't be able to without going through this. I feel for your beautician. My heart goes out to her, but I am so pleased and so proud of you for opening up to her. The best thing we can do for each other is to reach out so no one ever has to feel alone.

  4. I agree. We seem to have a secret bond with random people its like being a member of the crappiest club ever!

  5. Agree totally on this. If you are not a 'talker' about your personal journey to many people then its easy to assume that everyone else has t easy, yet if and when these conversations come about we often find out that so many other people have struggles too - and it makes it a LOT easier to be happy for them rather than a teensy bit jealous when you know those things! Hope your last few weeks are as stress free as possible!

  6. I just stumbled upon your blog. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I look forward to reading through your story. I just suffered a miscarriage (and D&C) at 14 weeks and, though it's hard to talk to people about it, writing about seems to really help me. And reading about other people's situations, losses, recoveries and successes is so reassuring. It's great to know you're not alone. All the best to you!

  7. Almost at the end of this journey and another one begins! Infertility made me a very different empathetic person and sometimes when I am being deep and meaningful I wonder of that was why I went through it? The radar is definitely part of the change! Good luck for the next few weeks!