Even now, after having a healthy baby and not wanting another one right now, I have trouble feeling genuinely happy for someone else when I find out that they are pregnant.  What the heck is wrong with me?

Friday evening as my husband and I were prepping dinner, he told me that he had some news.  Being the person that I am, I just knew it had to do with someone being pregnant.  So I guessed to him that someone was pregnant and he nodded.  Then I started naming possible pregnant people.  I think it was my 3rd guess that was correct.  I'm pretty good at that game.

"Isn't that exciting news?" he said.

I should mention that they already have an almost 3 year old.

"Oh yeah.  Exciting" I said, trying to actually sound remotely excited.  "When is she due?"

"Oh it is still really early and definitely not public because she is only 9 weeks so don't mention it to anyone" he said.

"I guess she's never had any trouble" I said sarcastically and walked out of the kitchen, leaving my husband alone with his "exciting" news.

My reaction to the news kind of surprised myself.  I haven't heard about anyone getting pregnant lately so I haven't had to react.  Most of my friends are done having kids or are getting ready to give birth at any time.  There are a few people who are waiting in the wings (namely my Sister and SIL), but I am not even sure that either of them are actively trying at this point.  

Why is it that I can't be happy for someone when I find out that they are pregnant?  I am immediately filled with jealousy, anger, and resentment.  Shouldn't I be over these feelings at this point?  I have my baby.  he is healthy.  I love him.  I am finally starting to feel more relaxed and happy with things in my life so why is this one area still sore?

I am wondering if I am forever going to feel this way.  Will I never feel happy when someone announces that they are pregnant unless I know the full back story?  If this was their first try or an oops, will I forever be jealous of them even though it is not their fault?  I obviously wouldn't wish the things that happened to me to happen to anyone else so I am not sure why I feel this way.  It is as if my experience with miscarriage took away the joy and happiness surrounding the miracle of pregnancy/childbirth.

Example:  A friend of a friend had a miscarriage right around the beginning of her 2nd trimester.  She then had a lot of trouble getting pregnant again.  When she finally fell pregnant last year I was genuinely happy for her.  She went through so much to have her baby so I had no feelings of resentment towards her and I got teary when I heard that she gave birth to a healthy child.

Has anyone else who has experienced loss/infertility, but have gone on to have a healthy child (or children), felt or currently feel like I do?  If you have felt like this and no longer do, what helped you?  I really want to put all of the past in the past and move forward.  I want to congratulate someone when I hear that they are pregnant...and actually mean it.

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Back in my days of trying to conceive, it did not take me long to learn that that blue dye pregnancy tests were never to be trusted.  BabyCenter, Fertility Friend, Pee On A Stick...you mention a blue test and they will all tell you the same thing.  Blue = BAD.  Whether it was the thickness of the line, the depth of color of the line, or whether or not there was a true plus sign, those things were considered extremely unreliable.  Visit any tweakers board and they will usually have a disclaimer that says that they do not tweak blue dye tests or if you came to them with a blue dye test to tweak, they would tell you to come back with a pink one.
When I was peeing on sticks, regularly, I always preferred FRER (First Response Early Response).  When that habit started to get too expensive, I would buy large quantities of cheapie Wondfos off of Amazon to satisfy my "craving".  Those tests sucked, but the pregnancy tests were pink and thus tweakable and considered more reliable than the blue dye tests.

After my last miscarriage, I regularly tested to see if my HCG levels were back down to 0 so that I could start trying again.  During that time, I made the mistake of purchasing a CVS brand pregnancy test.  I was in a hurry, it was on sale, and yadda, yadda, yadda, it ended up on my bathroom counter.  For the purposes of testing to see that my levels were back at 0, I figured it was ok.  When I took the test at that time, back came a thin blue line, which indicated to me that I still had some pregnancy hormones floating around.  Taking the same test two weeks later showed me a negative.  Case closed.  I still had one test left, though, which I stuck in the back of my closet for a future emergency.

About a week and a half ago, I started feeling a little bit off.  All of a sudden my nipples were incredibly sensitive, I developed a zit on my chin, I was terrible lethargic, and I started feeling crampy.  "You're getting your period!" you might think.  I would have thought that this might have been the case except for that my husband and I had unprotected sex (for the first time since the baby was born) and 2 days later I had some serious EWCM.  I was about 6-7 days out from there so I started to get a little bit suspicious that maybe,  just maybe, I was pregnant.  Oops.

I did what any normal, post-miscarriage surviving mommy to an almost 1 year old would do and dug into the back of my closet for any pregnancy test that I might have.  Poof!  CVS blue dye test, a cup of fresh pee, and an extremely nervous me, secretly holed up in the bathroom.  I checked the expiration date on the box and I will admit that it was just ever so slightly expired (only by 2 months).  I figured that it was better than nothing and I dunked the stick in.  I set it on the counter with a tissue over it like I did back in the old days.

Those five minutes of me sitting on the toilet, waiting for the test to finish, were agonizing.  Was I really ready for another baby if I were pregnant?  Could we afford another child right now?  Why didn't we use a condom?  Was my body ready for another pregnancy?  Where would we put the baby?  Would it be a boy or a girl?  Would I have to cancel my NYC Marathon entry...again?  How would I tell my husband?  Would he be happy?

Ding...ding!  After five of the longest minutes in my whole life, I pulled off the tissue and saw this...

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So I am being induced this morning due to my plethora of issues...

I am hoping and praying that the induction works and that I don't need a c-section.  I guess whatever happens is ok by me in the end, as long as baby is ok.

Wish me luck!!  :)

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Somehow the "yeast infection" that I thought I had has blown into a rash that is now covering my stomach, breasts, and arms.  After consulting Dr. G.oogle and a few friends, I have come up with the determination that I now am dealing with PUPPPs, or pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy.  Right now I feel like I am on Mother Nature's Candid Camera.

I woke up yesterday with a rash under my left breast.  I called the doctor and talked to one of the nurses.  She suggested that it might be a yeast infection and to try OTC yeast infection treatment until my appointment on Monday.  I went out and bought the cream and started using it yesterday.  It did absolutely nothing.  By the afternoon, the rash had spread to underneath my right breast, my stomach, and my forearms.  I tried some cortisone cream and that did absolutely nothing.  Taking a shower was excruciating  not because of the pain, but because I wanted to jump out of my skin I was so itchy.

Sleeping also sucked last night.  Every time I woke up, I wanted to scratch.  I had to wear a sports bra to sleep because the rubbing of my skin was too much to handle.  This morning, surprise, the rash looks so much worse.  So much so that I decided to call the OB resident on call around 8:30 AM.  Well, it is now almost 12:30 PM and I have not gotten a call back.

I am seriously so itchy and miserable.  I have searched the internet to find remedies and have found a few, including something called G.randpa's P.ine T.ar S.oap.  Some people say that this is a miracle cure for the condition.  The problem is, no place around me seems to have this at the moment.  My husband went to G.NC last night and they were out of it.  Then he went to W.hole F.oods and they were also out of it.  I called around to several stores and they were either out of it, had never heard of it, or thought I was crazy.

Some other things that I have tried that have not worked are A.&D O.intment (diaper rash cream) and icepacks.  I found that I actually have one of the recommended corticosteriods from a previous rash before I got pregnant (yes, I seem to get rashes a lot).  I G.oogled that last night and found that is a class C drug, so I am not going to use that unless I talk to the doctor and determine that it the benefit outweighs the risk.  A call back any day would be fabulous.

The only other thing that I can really do is just bitch and scratch.  Oh and cry a little.  I seem to be doing lots of that in the past few days.  I think that if I were actually feeling some contractions or something that I might feel a little better knowing that the end was in sight.  

In case you were interested in what the rash looks like (scroll down)....rather than G.oogling which will show you some really disturbing images.  I think half of what comes up isn't even PUPPPs related since there were definitely pictures of guys and ummm I highly doubt those guys had a rash that occurs only in pregnancy.  DO NOT G.OOGLE for images.  Seriously, don't do it.


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So.... today is my due date and I am not really any closer to giving birth from what I can tell.  I really did not think that I would make it to 40 weeks and I thought that I would have gone into labor by now, but I guess I was wrong on all accounts.  I know that lots of FTM go after their due dates, but it is still kind of disheartening especially since I am not having any contractions to speak of.

Last night I started developing a rash under my left breast that is so super extremely itchy.  I put some hydrocortisone cream on it, but it does not seem to be doing anything.  I called the doctor and they suggested that it might be a yeast infection.  They told me to go out and get some M.onistsat and use it topically until I see them at my next appointment on Monday.  This rash goes lovely with my elephant feet/ankles and bluish belly button.

I have been going for walks every day with my dog.  We walk about 45-50 minutes through my hilly neighborhood.  It is a miserable time for me.  It is so hard to walk and I am so slow.  A few weeks ago I could cover 2.5-3 miles in this time and now I am just over a mile.  I am not even sure why I keep walking every day since it is miserable and it is not helping to induce labor.  I guess just for my dog.  I feel bad for him being in the house with me all day.  His life is going to change a lot in the next few weeks and I think he knows it now.   Poor guy.

I am also getting really anxious about the baby's movement.  He still moves quite a bit, but I feel like the times where he is quiet are starting to freak me out more and more.  Yesterday after my walk I laid down (on my left side) on the couch to rest and started a kick count.  The baby refused to move.  I poked him a little and still nothing.  I started to get worried so I changed to a sitting position and then I felt his familiar jabs right in the middle of my belly.  He moved pretty constantly after that so I think he was just sleeping from after my walk, but I will be so happy when I don't have to worry about that aspect of pregnancy anymore and I can see him.

I am so ready.  So very ready.  I am not sure what is taking him so long to make his appearance.  It is starting to make me crack up, honestly (and I don't mean with laughter).  How the heck did I get through the last 9 months without going crazy.  I feel like this last week has been the hardest so far.  Working from home has been a blessing and a curse.  I am tethered to my computer all day.  I just want to stop working now, but I still have stuff to do still.  I feel like I have no idea what day of the week it is since I have really only left the house to go for a walk each day and that is it.

Ok I'm done now.  I feel bad complaining about this stuff because honestly a year ago I would have given anything and everything to have a yeast infection under my left breast at 40 weeks pregnant.  Hormones are a crazy thing though and totally mess you up and make you feel things you never imagined you would feel.  Also maybe the lack of sleep is starting to cause issues with my mental state?  I don't know.  Anyways I am going to be doing the same old thing at least until my confirmed induction on 4/18.  I know that next week at this time I will for sure be waking up in the hospital and I pray with all my heart that I have my snuggly little boy safe in my arms.

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My appointment yesterday was a little bit frustrating.  No change from last week, unfortunately.  I am still about 3cm, 50% effaced, baby is at 0 station.  The doctor was pretty surprised to see me at my appointment as he thought there was a good chance I would have given birth last week.

My BPP was good.  The baby was a little stubborn and didn't practice his breathing until the very end of the scan.  He was moving all over the place as usual though.  I joked with my husband..."Why does he need to practice his breathing since it seems like he is going to stay in my uterus forever?!"  He ended up with an 8/8.  My fluid is still high-normal.

The growth scan scared the crap out of me, once again.  So, two weeks ago he was measuring right about 50%.  Yesterday he was back up to measuring 75% and about 8lb 7oz.  The ultrasound tech told me to take it with a grain of salt though because when the quarters get so tight, it is very hard to measure the baby.  My doctor agreed with the tech and told me that he thought the baby would be closer to 8 lb.  Aye aye aye.

I have an induction tentatively scheduled for 4/18 (if it comes to that) due to the GD.  The doctor doesn't want me to go much past 40 weeks although he also doesn't want to induce me either.  I am hoping that baby decides to come on his own before then.

I am feeling really ready to meet this guy.  Last night was my worst night of sleep yet.  I slept maybe a total of 5 hours total and woke up every hour, on the hour.  My hips and shoulders were killing me.  Plus, I get so hot at night now and sweat.  Totally gross!  My legs/ankles/feet are really swollen, which is surprising given my bp from yesterday was 112/70.  I guess swelling at this point is just normal.

Yesterday I went for 3 walks.  I'll probably go for another walk today.  My husband and I tried having sex the other night to see if we could speed things up and that was just comical.  I laughed the whole time because it was so hard for me to maneuver.  I am not sure how people continue with an active sex life all 40 weeks of pregnancy.  During the first trimester I was too scared and felt sick.  During the second trimester I just felt unattractive and had zero sex-drive.  During this trimester, I have my sex-drive back, but I just feel huge and uncomfortable.  My husband has been a good sport though.  :)

I'll report back if anything changes.  Right now it is seeming like I'll go past my due date which is Friday.  I'll keep you posted!

One a completely unrelated note, I saw this on NBC Nightly News on Sunday and thought I would share it.  It was such a nice story and I cried (of course).  I thought you ladies might appreciate it if you have not seen it.  I want to give this woman the biggest hug.  She definitely gives me inspiration for a career switch in my future.

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/3032619/ns/NBCNightlyNews/#51461142

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I should be used to this by now, right?  I have done a lot of waiting over the past 2 years.  Waiting to get pregnant.  Waiting to get an ultrasound.  Waiting to miscarry.  Waiting to TTC again.  Waiting to ovulate.  Waiting to test.  Waiting to get blood tests.  Waiting to see a RE.  Waiting to start treatment.  Waiting for more test results.  Waiting for more blood tests and ultrasounds.  Waiting for follow-up ultrasounds.  Waiting for NT scan.  Waiting for anatomy scan.  Waiting for viability weeks.  Waiting for 30 weeks.  Waiting to be full term...  The list goes on and on.  I know that some people have to wait a lot longer than this for everything, and I give them all the more credit.  Waiting is tough.

Right now I am waiting to have this baby.  I am 39 weeks.  After my appointment on Monday, I kind of convinced myself that I would get to meet this little guy this week.  Well, it is looking like that is not going to happen.  He seems rather content to stay in there for who knows how long.  I have tried walking.  I am drinking red raspberry tea right now.  Everyone is telling me to try sex, but honestly that doesn't sound like a whole heap of fun right now given my circumference.  I am not sure how logistically it would work.  I might get desperate and give it a try this weekend.  My poor husband!

The doctor wants me to monitor for consistent movement and that is driving me crazy.  I am sort of obsessed with making sure he is moving enough.  He'll be really active at certain times and then quiet at other times and I honestly want to break out the Doppler.  Usually if I give him a little push, he'll kick me back.  It will be nice when I can see him and see that he is alive rather than relying on his kicks.  He seems to sleep when I sleep for the most part.  He is very active mid-morning and after dinner, sometimes to the point where his jabs cause me some pain.  I am wondering if this is how he will be out of the womb, too (minus the causing me pain part, haha)?

I am having trouble getting around.  My stomach is stretched to the max.  I actually have several stretch marks on my belly right now, which I really thought I was going to be able to avoid due to the fact that my mom never got any and the fact that I have gone through hundreds of dollars worth of B.io O.il in the past few months.  No dice!  M.ederma here I come.

I am pretty uncomfortable right now, but I guess it isn't as bad as I thought it would be so I really can't complain.  While I have not been sleeping for long stretches, I don't have any trouble falling asleep.  Even when I get up 5 times a night, I am always able to change positions and fall back to sleep with no issue.  I also don't have any problem napping at any time.  I know, I know I should nap as much as possible now because I won't be sleeping for several months.

I am also pretty done with the diabetes.  I am seriously hoping that my body decides to go back to normal after I give birth.  I can't imagine managing a baby, breastfeeding, and managing diabetes.  I know people do it all the time, but ugh.  Not a happy thought.  My numbers have been pretty kick ass though.  My fastings have been in the 70s/80s consistently (granted I am still on 12 units of NPH at night).  I can honestly say that I am sick of yogurt, string cheese, and peanut butter, though.

My next appointment is Monday.  I have a BPP and growth scan (I think).  I am thinking of asking to have my membranes stripped (thanks, Melis :-).  I am not sure that would help me, but it is worth a try, right?

To pass some time, I taught myself to crochet by watching Y.ouT.ube videos.  I made this little guy a hat to wear home from the hospital.  I will admit that it took me 3 days of starting and ripping out stitches to get it the correct size.  The first one I made ended up fitting me.  Haha.

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No this is not an April Fools joke.  I had my regular weekly appointment today and was not expecting anything.  I have not been having regular contractions, so I was expecting no real progress.  I had my BPP first and the baby was very active as usual and got an 8/8.  Fluid is still high-normal.

The appointment was pretty fast.  They checked my weight...ummm yikes.  I am up 35 lbs.  Not sure where the heck this weight is coming from since I am not eating a whole lot and I am not swollen or retaining water.  Oh well.  My blood pressure was good.

The doctor came in and reviewed my blood sugars for the past week which have been good and stable.  He reviewed the BPP results and was very happy.  He asked about contractions/bleeding.  I told him I wasn't having any painful contractions and no bleeding.  BH off and on with some mild cramping, but nothing to write home about.  I did loose (what I think) was my mucus plug on Saturday in one huge clump (sorry, TMI).  I asked him to check my cervix and he said he would, but warned me that with my "symptoms" that I shouldn't expect a whole lot.  I agreed.

Well sure enough, I was about 3 cm and 50% effaced.  He felt the head which he said was very low.  He couldn't tell which direction his face is pointing though (up or down).  He thinks I could really go into labor at any time, but said he guessed that we would meet this guy by the end of the week.  Ahhhhh!  

Now I am feeling a really intense desire to clean my house.  I am supposed to be working, but it is so hard to concentrate right now.  I also have been slacking on commenting on other's blogs.  I have been reading on my ipad, but haven't been commenting.  I am still following you all!!

I'll try to update as I can, but I have no clue what this week will hold.  Maybe I'll walk around 3 cm for 2 weeks, who knows.  Maybe this guy will show up tonight.  I can't wait to meet him!!

Oh and for all of the gluten-free ladies out there (or gestational diabetics) I made this awesome chocolate chip cookie recipe over the weekend.  I had a few yesterday and they did not affect my blood suger like a normal cookie.  I thought I would share as they are freaking AMAZING!  I would take these over the regular kind any day.  Enjoy!!

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Is it really possible??  I am 37 weeks, 3 days today.  It doesn't seem possible.  I had my regular weekly appointment this morning which consisted of a BPP and a growth check due to the gestational diabetes and thyroid issue.  My appointment was at 8 AM for the ultrasound and unfortunately my husband couldn't go so I had to drive myself there (since I am no longer working from the office).

I was early so they got me in for my scan a little earlier.  The baby was very busy as he usually is at that time of the morning.  He usually sleeps most of the night and then is up a lot in the morning.  He was practicing his breathing and karate chops.

He passed his BPP with an 8/8 and his growth checked out to 53%!  Almost right smack in the middle where he should be.  I am not sure how this happened, but I am really happy that he is measuring back to normal.  He still has "hi normal" fluid, but I asked the radiologist when she came in to do her double check and she said it was not a worrisome number at all.

Next I had my appointment with the doctor.  My BP was 110/77.  I was happy about that!  I am up 31 lbs.  Yikes.  I don't feel like I am gaining weight though.  My rings still fit (even though when I mentioned that I was still wearing them to the doctor he told me that have a ring cutter which they use frequently and suggested I start wearing them around my neck just in case) and I am not swelling.

The doctor was very happy with my blood sugar readings and with the BPP/growth scan.  His guess is that the baby will be in the 7 lb range when he is born.  Yay!  I was 7 lb 9 oz when I was born and I was my mom's first.  He asked me if I was familiar with the hospital check in and I told him that I had done a virtual tour.  He said that was good enough.  I was sort of hoping for an internal exam to see if I was dilated at all, but he didn't think it was necessary since I am not having regular contractions (or really any contractions for that matter, except in the middle of the night).  I go back in a week for another BPP.

I am getting so excited to meet this little guy.  The other night I was laying in bed before falling asleep and I started to get really worked up and excited, thinking about him.  I want him to come when he is ready, but I am so anxious to meet him as soon as possible.  Physically I feel ready.  I am tired, moody, and uncomfortable.  I am still nesting, but don't have a ton of energy to keep up with the cleaning.  My furbabies like to keep my house full of "furbunnies" (or tumble-weeds).  I can't keep up anymore!  I usually vacuum at least 1-2 times a week (if not more), but I find that I can't even do that anymore.  Walking just a mile is painful!  I know what I am doing after work today...

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Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment (36 weeks, 3 days).  From here on out I have weekly biophysical profiles instead of NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds due to the GD.  I like having them on Monday mornings because it gives me something to look forward to regarding the beginning of the week!

The BPP this week was done by a guy.  I don't think that I have had a guy do an ultrasound for me since during my miscarriage days.  I was sort of disappointed because my experience with the guy wasn't great, but also the circumstances were not great that time either so that probably jaded me.  This guy was really friendly right off the bat.  He asked me the usual questions and after my usual pre-ultrasound bathroom break, he went to work, checking out baby boy.

He passed the BPP with flying colors.  He was practicing breathing and we caught him yawning several times.  He was sucking his thumb most of the time.  Head is still down.  The only thing that was slightly concerning was the measured amniotic fluid level is now on the high side of normal up from the low side of normal.

Without me asking, the tech flipped to 3D and was determined to get a good shot of this little guy's face.  After a little coaxing the baby's hand out of the way, he was able to get a great shot (scroll to the bottom).  My baby looks like a real baby and not a ghost!

I met briefly with the doctor who was happy with the BPP results.  We briefly talked about the amniotic fluid and he said that he was not concerned since it was still in the normal range and it is a subjective measurement that differs from tech to tech.  He said that if they saw an abnormal amount that they would have mentioned it on the report for sure (they are a high risk u/s and see thousands of high risk patients a month).  We talked about my blood sugar readings which have been getting better.  My fastings have been in the 70s/80s for the past week.  He said that this could signal that the placenta is producing less hormones and that labor/delivery might not be that far away.  He said to keep monitoring it and they will check next week.  Based on my blood sugar readings he guessed that I might not make my due date.  I told him I would not be upset about that.  :)

My next appointment is next Monday...37 weeks, 3 days.  I'll be full term!!  It is amazing what can happen in a year.  Last year at this time I was one day away from finding out the baby that I was carrying was not viable.  The heartbeat was only 80 and was small for gestational age.  That time was one of the darkest in my life and I have never been so depressed.  I never thought that a year from that point, I would be carrying this little guy and be almost ready to meet him.  I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am right now.  As hard as it was to get here and how this pregnancy has not been the easiest at times, I know that I am so incredibly lucky.  I honestly thought that I would never be able to carry a baby past 10 weeks.  I thought I was defective.  I don't know what happened and I am not sure that I will ever know.  I do know that I have a beautiful baby boy on the way and I am so thrilled to hold him, kiss him, and be his mommy.

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I have been a bad blogger lately.  So much going on and so little time to sit and write it all down.  This post is going to be all over the place, as a result.  It also might be a little long and have a lot of pictures, but I labeled everything so you can skip over parts that don't interest you.  I can't believe that I am due 1 month from today!!

Work Baby Shower
My co-workers threw me a baby shower last week and they pooled together to get me the B.aby J.ogger C.ity S.elect stroller!  It converts to a double, if necessary, which was why I registered for it.  It was so nice of them to get me that since it wasn't cheap.  We all met in one of the office conference rooms and they had cake and fruit salad.  Unfortunately I didn't get to have anything after my last shower cake disaster.  My boss got me 2 oatmeal cookies with raisins for later with a meal (that didn't turn out well either, I'll explain later).  Check out the cute cake!  It was half chocolate and half vanilla with butter cream frosting and fondant.  The top part of the cake came off so one of my co-workers wrapped it up nicely and put it in the freezer for me to have when I can eat cake again.  :)

Maternity Photos
I was really on the fence about these for a number of reasons.  First of all was the cost.  Most of the photographers that I looked into were so expensive and that was just for the actual shoot.  They tacked on a ton for prints and even more for digital copies.  I ended up finding someone through a friend of mine and this photographer ended up being great!  I was also on the fence because I just felt weird to be having my picture taken by someone else.  Ultimately, I decided to have them done because I wish that my mom had them done when she was pregnant with me.  I would love to look back and see photos of her pregnant.  She can't seem to find any.  This little guy will have a bunch.  :)


Gestational Diabetes
I would say that I have been able to keep things under control for the most part.  My fasting blood sugar is still unpredictable.  Some days it is good and some days it is a little higher.  I am currently taking 12 units of H.umulin N at bedtime (or rather 8 hours before my scheduled wake-up time).  I saw my endocrinologist this morning (have I mentioned that I love her??).  She thinks that I am doing well.  My A1C was 5.2.  I told her about my disaster with the 1/2 of an oatmeal cookie with dinner.  Basically, I had a very low carb dinner of baked salmon with sautéed kale w/ sliced almonds.  I added the 1/2 of a cookie as my treat with dinner.  This half a cookie made my 1 hour and 2 hour pp readings high.  I was so upset and annoyed that I thew out the other 1 and 1/2 cookies from my boss.  I told the endocrinologist this and she was so nice.  She gave me a fast-acting insulin pen (N.ovolog) and told me that if I wanted to have a cookie every now and again or go out for dinner that it was ok, since I was so strict.  She told me to take 4 units before eating a higher carb meal and to NOT FEEL GUILTY.  She also said that at this point the baby's organs are developed enough that having a high reading once and again is not going to do much to cause the baby issues.  She told me that I was doing a great job and she expects me to go back to normal after the baby is born.  I hope she is right.  I have a follow-up scheduled with her for 6 weeks post-partum.

Pregnant Co-worker
So she FINALLY told me, on her own, about a week and a half ago that she was pregnant.  I asked her why she waited so long and she said that she hadn't told anyone at work other than my boss and her "supervisor", the co-worker who I had been talking to about about that she hates.  We talked for a while and she mentioned the whole NT scan issues with the down syndrome markers.  She said that even though the results from her tests came back ok, that she was kind of depressed.  I told her that I struggled with some depression issues around the same time along as her.  She was surprised that I did since I had such a tough time staying pregnant, but I think she appreciated my story and felt better about her own situation.  One thing about me is that I don't hold grudges.  I am always open to patching things up.  Even though I was really pissed that she hadn't told me anything, I am over it.  I feel like I have my friend back again, which is nice.  Now when we see each other in the bathroom we can talk about our pregnancies rather than my pregnancy.

Work
I have decided to start working from home, exclusively, the week after next.  I am already working from home 2 days a week, which is nice, but I am getting to the point where walking to and from the train is getting to be very long and very painful.  I have started transitioning my work to others, which is hard for me.  I hate feeling like I can be replaced so easily and I shudder to think about the condition of my "space" when I get back.  I manage a small area of the company, pretty much on my own.  No people, just an application and an audit-controlled process.  I am the only "expert" on the subject.  I am sure things will be ok, but it is tough to let go.

More Jealousy Issues
My husband is still on the C.ross F.it kick and now has entered a competition, which spans five total weeks.  I sort of had a freak-out on Sunday and ended up making him cry.  He spent the morning going to pick up the glider and then installing the baby seat in the car.  He then went off to his X-fit competition, which we said would be fast.  3 1/2 hours later, he comes home, while I had spent the last 3 hours going to the grocery store, cleaning, washing clothes, getting the nursery ready, etc.  I was so pissed that I just barked at him and didn't ask him how he did.  Then I ignored him for several hours while I continued my housework.  The crying came into play when I tried to strike up conversation after cooling down.  The truth is, I am still jealous that he spends so much time at that place with, amongst others, lots of 20-something girls, so I brought that up, again.  He thinks that I don't support him and that I am fixated on making myself believe that he gives a crap about any of the girls that he works out with regularly.  He said that he has always been there to support my races (he has sat through many a 5k, 10k, 1/2 marathon, 30k and marathon), which is true.  Ugh I felt like a terrible person because he really does support me and I don't support him enough.  My hormones in combination with my physical un-fitness have turned me into a raging bitchy lunatic.  He cried, I cried, but we patched everything up.  This is why we work so well together.  We communicate.  He did awesome at his competition, too.  He got the best score at his gym.  :)

Speaking of Running...
NYC Marathon 2013, here I come!  After 3 consecutive fails in the lottery, I am a part of the last group ever that gets guaranteed entry in the 4th year after failing the lottery 3 times in a row!  They were thinking that they might have to cut my group due to the hurricane disaster last year causing an overflow of 2012 registrants, but apparently my group was lucky enough to get in.  I have my work cut out for me following the birth of this little guy, but I am so excited to have a fitness goal to look forward to.  This will be my 3rd marathon!

The Baby!
Saved the most important for last!  I had an appointment yesterday with MFM (35 weeks, 3 days), which included another growth ultrasound.  I was so nervous since last appointment they had him measuring in the 83 percentile.  Well this time he is measuring in the 64 percentile, so I was thrilled.  This is about a week ahead.  Apparently I had a much better radiologist this time (one of top two high-risk radiologists in the country).  The baby's biophysical profile was 8/8!  His head is down and facing my back and he was very active during the scan.  He had his hands in front of his face and his feet right up near his head.  My fluid level was normal.  I didn't get an internal check this time, but I did get a GBS swab, which I have no doubt will come back positive based on how I seem to fail just about every test.  I am prepared for that.  My no-IV request might not become a reality, but oh well.  My blood pressure was good and my weight was up.  I was up to 146, which is up 26 lbs.  Looks like I am heading for at least 30, gulp.  I asked the doctor about how long they would let me go before inducing me and he said he would like to wait until 40 weeks, unless some other complication arises.  He said that if things haven't progressed by 40 weeks that we'll talk induction dates.  I have a feeling this guy is not going to come early.  I think he really likes it in there.  I posted another pic of him here.  I have no idea what the ultrasound pic from yesterday is looking at.  So help me out if you know!      

Wow that was a lot to write.  I think I am caught up.  Now I have to pack my hospital bag, which will be the subject of a future post.  :)

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I haven't really talked much about birth or having that baby, but now that I am about 34 1/2 weeks, I think it is time to start.  None of my close friends have really mentioned having a birth plan to me, so I am not sure if they had one or not, but I have been doing lots of reading (surprise, surprise) and there are a few things that I want to make sure happen when I give birth to this little guy.

Feel to chime in with your experience or ideas/opinions!  I may be missing some key points, so please fill me in, if that is the case.  I obviously have never been through this before so I only know what I have heard and read about.

**Please note: This is assuming that I have an un-induced birth.  If I am induced or have a c-section (obviously), some or much of this list will not apply.

1.  The option to delay pain medication or proceed through birth without pain medication.  I know, I know this is probably crazy, but I have done lots of research.  I know that childbirth is probably the one of the most painful experiences that I will ever go through in my life, but reading about some of the benefits of not having the pain medications make me want to at least give it a try.  My pain threshold is rather high (except when it comes to foot cramps, which I have been getting nightly).  I ran a marathon, got an extremely painful blood blister under my second toe, bled through my sock and my sneaker, and still managed to finish the race in 4 hours and 17 minutes.  Then I ran another marathon the following year in 3 hours and 54 minutes!  I am not afraid of pain.  I want to see how far I can go without assistance because I know that it can make the actual dilation and birthing process faster.  I am not going to refuse the pain meds if I have a crazy long labor and have not slept or if the pain is just so incredibly unbearable.  I am not going to martyr myself.  If I have to be induced with pitocin, then I'd say that it is almost a given that I take advantage of the epidural.

2.  The option to walk around during labor, use a birthing ball, or alternate positions for delivery, if it feels better.  I know that some of these depend on other things working out.  I would rather not be hooked up to monitors 24/7 and have IVs unless it is absolutely necessary for the health of the baby (or me).  I have heard that laboring on your back makes things progress slower and makes giving birth harder.  Maybe walking around won't feel better for me, but I would like the option.

3.  I want my husband with me at all times.  We have been through a lot together and I feel like I want him to be there for everything.  I am not sure if you need to explicitly mention this or not.  He is the only family member that I want in the delivery room!

4.  No mirrors to watch the actual birth.  Call me vain, but I'd rather not see my vagina being ripped apart.

5.  Cameras are allowed before I begin pushing and then right after the baby is born (above the waist, only!)  I guess this only applies to my husband.  Maybe I should just tell him this, since I doubt any of the hospital staff will be wanting to take pictures of me.  Haha.

6.  I want immediate skin-to-skin contact with my baby, as long as he is healthy enough to do so.  I have read and heard that this helps with bonding, baby body temp regulation, and breastfeeding (to name a few benefits).  I don't need him to be cleaned off before they place him on my chest.  If I have a c-section that I would also like to have modified skin-to-skin contact, if it is safe for baby.  I have heard about delayed cord clamping, too.  I am not sure if these go hand-in-hand and if this should be a separate list item, but if it is safe, I would also like to have the 2-3 min delay.  I have read that it helps with iron levels in babies.  Granted I have also read that the bigger the baby, the less they need this, but oh well.  I'd like feedback on this one!!

7.  My husband will cut the cord.  I think this is pretty standard, but I wanted to throw it in just in case!

8.  I would like to bank the cord blood.  Not privately, though.

9.  I'd like to try breastfeeding my baby as soon as possible.  I have read that the sooner that you start breastfeeding the easier it is to get baby used to it.  I will need help from the nurses on this one though.  I took the class, but holding a baby doll and holding your baby are two very different things I am sure!

10.  Our baby will NOT be circumcised.  At first I had a huge problem with this one.  My husband and I fought about it for many weeks.  He is circumcised and so I didn't understand why he would want our son to be different from him.  We also live in an area with a high Jewish population.  I worried about him being looked as as different in the eyes of his peers in the locker room.  My husband is of the camp that he wishes that he had a choice and he feels like he was robbed of part of his manhood.  I guess I can't really relate, but can't really refute what he is saying either.  I did my research and joined a few message boards to get even more info.  I watched informative videos, too.  After doing all of this work, I have come to the conclusion that I am ok with not having him circed.  I thought you would have to clean under it, that it was unhygienic, etc., but I was totally wrong.  You are supposed to clean it like it is a finger, never forcefully pulling back the foreskin.  The foreskin eventually retracts on its own.  We have a meeting with the pediatrician this Friday and I am going to mention this to the doctor and make sure they understand that they will NOT forcefully retract the foreskin.  If they have a problem with this then I will find another doctor.  I have read horror stories related to this topic.

11.  I want the baby in our room, with us, after he is born.  Obviously if he would need some type of treatment then I want him in the NICU, but otherwise I want him with us.  Some people have told me to let him stay in the nursery so let me get some sleep, but I have waited way too long for this baby to put him in the nursery in the care of someone other than my husband and me.

I am not sure if I am forgetting anything here.  Right now I am in the process of reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I skipped over the first section and will go back and read it later (it deals with birth stories).  I wanted to read about the actual childbirth portion first.  Yes, this book is a little bit old and yes, she is a little crunchier than I am, but she has some interesting points.  The part about orgasmic birthing really blows my mind.

Have all of you soon-to-be mommies (pregnant or not yet pregnant) come up with a plan or are you just going to wing it?  If you are an experienced mommy, any advice would be MUCH appreciated!!

I still have to slap myself and tell myself that this is really happening.

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Yesterday's visit to the doctor was not what I expected.  I thought that I was getting another growth ultrasound, when in fact I was not.  I just had a regular ultrasound where they checked the welfare of the baby (including the heartbeat and the fluid level).  The baby checked out great.  We got to take another look at his cute (but large) head.  He had his hands up in his face which he likes to do when they try to disturb him with the ultrasound wand.  I am wondering if he is a thumb-sucker.  I was!

I asked the radiologist if she could check on my cervix while she had the wand out.  I explained to her my cramping ordeals.  She said she would try, but that at this stage in the game, it is hard to get a good look at the cervix, not to mention super uncomfortable.  She tried, but with no real luck.  She mentioned that the doctor would do an internal check which would give me a better idea of what I was working with.  Oh joy, my first internal!

On the way to the doctor appointment, I was having more cramping.  As my husband drove over the many craters and bumps on the way from my work to the hospital, all I could think about was how uncomfortable it was now with mild cramping and how incredibly miserable it would be while in full out labor.  Something to look forward to in the coming weeks.

The doctor appointment went well.  I gained 1 lb in a week (gulp).  Hopefully it was me gaining the weight and not the baby (maybe the cookies I made and have been enjoying every night :).  My blood pressure was good.  The doctor came in and we first discussed how the insulin was going and how my numbers were looking.  He was quite impressed with my 1 hour post-meal readings. Looking at most of them, would suggest that I am not even borderline GD.  This is due to the strict diet, though.  My fastings on the other hand are a whole different beast.  Still very difficult to control, even with the insulin.  Yesterday's reading was 93.

We discussed the times that I was sleeping and I explained to him my wacky schedule.  When I go into the office, I go to sleep around 9:30 PM and get up at 4:30 AM.  When I work from home, I go to sleep at 10:30 PM and get up at 6:30 AM.  On the weekends, I go to sleep around 11 PM and get up at 7 AM.  He asked if there was any way that I could go to sleep around 10 PM every night, taking the insulin at that time, and get up at 6 AM.  I told him, yeah sure if you write me a note so that I can work from home for the remainder of my pregnancy!  He said he would do that, but he first wanted to try me taking the insulin earlier, at like 8-8:30 PM if I am getting up at 4:30 AM.  I agreed to try this first.  I was hoping for the early WFH pass.  If I am still having trouble with things then I may take him up on the offer.  Today my reading was 88, with taking the insulin at 8 PM.

Next we talked about the cramping and contractions.  He asked some of the same questions the nurse asked and said he thought it sounded normal, but that he wanted to do an internal check to be sure and put my mind at ease.  I was expecting a ton of pain with this, but it didn't hurt more than a pap smear.  Turns out I am not dilated, AT ALL.  My cervix is tightly closed and still very long.  His head is way down low, though, which may be adding to my discomfort.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I figured I would maybe be a centimeter (knowing that you can be a centimeter for weeks), so now I am back to thinking induction again.  Crap.  I am actually surprised that after 2 D&Cs and being forcefully dilated both times, that things are still so...umm... tight in there.  I guess my surgeons both knew what they were doing.

Knowing the state of the baby, my blood sugar, and my cervix, I don't have another appointment until 3/11.  I will be getting yet another ultrasound at this appointment and I assume that they will check the growth this time.  I think I am going to dial back my work-out routine until he is born.  I am not sure what keeping the 5 miles of walking a day is a good thing at this point.  I am going to cut it down to 3ish and see what happens.  I still need to get moving or I feel anxious!

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The past few days I have been having more and more Braxton Hick's contractions.  I notice them mostly in the middle of the night when I get up one of 5 times to go to the bathroom.  Three nights ago I woke up with a rock hard belly.  Then the same thing the next night.  No pain, just tightening.

Yesterday I woke up with what felt like minor menstrual cramping.  I tried to sleep it off, but it didn't go away.  I got up and ate breakfast and it was still there.  I called my husband and asked him what he thought I should do.  He said call the doctor.  I call the doctor every day (or it feels like that anyways) so I didn't want to do that.  I drank about a liter of water and then put my feet up while I worked. I was working from home, luckily.  Along with the cramping I was getting the contractions randomly.

I felt better after drinking the water and resting and so I went on with the rest of my work day.  I felt fine until about 3 PM when I started getting the cramping again.  This time I decided to take a break from working,drink some more water (seriously, I think I drank 2 gallons yesterday), and then lie on my left side.  I ended up falling asleep for an hour.  When I woke up, the cramping was still there so I decided to suck it up and call the doctor, again.

The nurse on the other end was the one I have talked to every day for the past 3 days.  I explained to her my symptoms and what I had done to try to alleviate them.  I also told her that I had an appointment the next day.  She asked if the baby was moving and I told her yes, he is moving around like a crazy acrobat.  She didn't think, based on my description, that it was anything to worry about at this point.  She told me to take some acetaminophen and put my feet up for now.  She mentioned that if I started to have any regularly timed contractions or if I started leaking any fluid or bleeding to go to L&D immediately.  She didn't think that this was preterm labor, but she said she obviously couldn't rule it out.

I got off the phone with her and did what she said.  The acetaminophen helped and I didn't have any menstrual-like pain for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up and felt fine.  I had to commute to work in the lovely rain and wind and so, rather than walk from the train, I took the subway.  Just walking from the subway to work was uncomfortable.  I felt the cramping coming back and some definite pressure.  The stairs definitely did not help with the discomfort.  I am glad I am going in this morning because I'd like to see what is going on.  I may be looking at more days working from home in my future.  I wouldn't be too upset about that.  I get a lot done when I work from home and I don't have the commute time or the distractions from other co-workers.

I am anxious for this appointment/ultrasound this morning.  Please pray that the baby hasn't grown too much.  I feel huge today!  See for yourself.

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Thanks for the all of the comments, emails, and phone calls regarding my whole insulin debacle.  The second night that I tried injecting, I had success and every time since then I have been able to do it with no issue.  I think that it must have been first time jitters or something.

I have found that my thigh is definitely better than anywhere else to inject and that my left thigh is easier for me to jab than my right.  It is hard to reach around my huge belly.  Now, I would love to tell you that it has been working like a charm, but in fact, it hasn't helped at all and it has even made my numbers marginally worse.  How the heck is this possible?

The first night that I actually got the subcutaneous full dose, I figured I was golden.  I ate exactly the same bedtime snack that I usually have (protein shake w/ almond milk, string cheese, 2 biscotti).  I shot up (sounds like I am a drug addict) around 10:45 PM.  I had my usual 3 full hours of sleep, followed by a pee break, then several 90 minute sleep/pee sessions until I had to get up at 5:30 AM for the funeral.

Upon waking, I tested myself...freaking 98.  WTF?!  This was my 3rd highest fasting reading EVER.  I was so pissed.  I rushed around and got ready and wolfed down my breakfast (2 pieces of low-carb whole grain toast w/ chunky PB, 1 oz low-fat cheese, 2 pieces organic chx sausage, water).  This same breakfast the day before had yielded me a blood sugar reading of 112 an hour after breakfast.  I have been alternating between the egg white omelet and this breakfast for the past few weeks, but on this morning, I didn't have time to make the omelet.

In the car, I tested my blood sugar one hour after breakfast and it was 147.  WTF?!  I thought insulin was supposed to help your readings and not harm them.  I was now even more pissed and frustrated.  As my husband and I were driving we discussed me calling the OB on-call.  I have never done that before, but decided that should be one of the benefits of me going there so I called and left a message.

About an hour later the OB on-call gave me a ring and we chatted about my numbers.  She agreed that the insulin didn't appear to be helping, but said she would like to see readings for a few more days before making the call on upping my dose.  Up my dose??  My numbers were better without the freaking insulin.  How sad. :(

I went the rest of the day with ok readings.  I packed a cooler with snacks and dinner.  We ended up having lunch at my sister's boyfriend's house who lived near the funeral home/church.  They were very accommodating to me by making grilled chicken and salad.  They also got some cheese pizza which looked and smelled amazing, so I had half of a slice without the end crust.  My readings after the hour were great.  I feel like this is a game.  Sort of like, "Press Your Luck".  "Big money, big money, no whammies".

The funeral itself was so sad.  It was so hard to see my relatives so upset.  There is still no cause of death, so there was no burial because they are still examining him.  The casket was made of wood that my cousin was going to use to make his own snowboard.  Everyone signed it.  The service was really awesome though and the church was so packed that there was standing room only and they were simulcasting in the reception hall.  Luckily my Aunt had saved a seat for me so I could sit.  I think I would have been really uncomfortable standing the whole service, especially since I had to pee the whole time.

We drove back home in bad weather.  I was white knuckle gripping my "oh shit" bar most of the time.  We saw several bad accidents and narrowly averted one.  I was so happy to be home after all of that.  A terribly exhausting day.

Since Saturday, my fasting numbers have not gotten better.  They are still in the mid to low 90s.  Today was 89.  I skipped the protein shake last night.  I called the nurse this morning and she told me to up my dose from 7 units to 10 units.  Sigh.  I have another appointment on Wednesday so if things are still not better, you can be sure they are going to hear about it.

On a more up-beat side note, I was really craving cookies last night so I G.oogled until I found a good recipe for low-carb peanut butter cookies that were not made with artificial sweetener.  I was overjoyed when I saw the "diabetic friendly" label!  I changed the recipe a bit in that I added less sugar, some vanilla extract, and butter.  I think mine probably had less carbs this way, but I still posted the nutrition info so you can get the idea.  My batch made 22 cookies.  I had two of them last night for my snack with some extra peanut butter on them.  YUM!!

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...ended up being a small disaster.  Basically I screwed up the administration so I don't know if I ended up actually getting any into my body.  I don't think that I did.  The instructions said that if you messed it up to contact your health care provider.  Ummm yeah at 10:30 PM at night?

Before I left my appointment on Tuesday the nurse showed me how and where to inject the insulin.  It looked easy enough, although the whole priming thing had me a little worried.  Last night before I tried injecting myself, I watched a Y.ou T.ube video and read several how-to slide shows.  I thought that I had it down.

My husband wanted to help, so I had him read the booklet that came with the insulin pen and then hold it for me so I could refer to it as a reference while I was attempting the procedure.  I was supposed to pinch an inch of skin in my thigh or side of my stomach for the injection.  Honestly, I don't have a lot of extra skin to pinch.  I have been walking a lot so my thighs are still pretty muscular and my stomach is literally stretched almost as far as it will go.  I decided to squeeze the life out of the top of my thigh to see if that would work because I was not sure where else to inject.

I prepped the pen as described, dialing it to 2 units, expelling, and making sure there were no bubbles.  I did it twice to be sure.  I then followed the instructions and dialed the pen to 7 units, which is my prescribed dose, and wiped my thigh with the alcohol pad.  I was nervous that it was going to hurt so I was kind of hesitant.

With my thigh pinched I stuck in the needle to find that I didn't feel anything at all.  I pressed the top of the pen and let go of the pinch.  The needle came out and the insulin sprayed on my thigh.  I freaked out and asked my husband to read the "I screwed up" part of the instructions.  Like I said before, they told me to call my doctor and not to re-inject.  I was so annoyed that I flipped out at him for no reason and then stormed upstairs.

I went to bed pissed.  I wasted a dose and don't know if I even got any insulin into my system.  This morning my fasting blood sugar was 91, so I am assuming that nothing made it in there or my dose is way too small.  I guess I'll just have to try it again tonight and hope for a better result.  This whole thing is so frustrating I want to scream!!

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So there is no new news regarding my cousin.  They still have no idea why he died.  The only thing that I do know is that we'll be attending a funeral this weekend instead of getting maternity photos taken.  A weekend that was shaping up to be a happy one will now be a very sad one.

To add some more mental exhaustion to the list, I had a regular MFM appointment today.  First I met with the nutritionist.  I was slightly concerned that I was not having enough carbs due to the fact that when I have them, my numbers are bad.  She looked at what I was eating and agreed that I am almost eating no carbs.  She thought I could add a few back in here and there, but not to stress about it because I have a good quality diet.  She seemed a little concerned about my fasting numbers and told me to talk to the doctor about that.

Next, I had a growth ultrasound.  The good news is that the baby looks very healthy.  I have a normal amount of fluid.  The bad news is that the baby is huge.  He is measuring about 35 weeks, or 5lbs 3oz.  He is now in the 83 percentile.  I was seriously crushed when they told me this.  I went from 63 percentile a month and a half ago to the 83 percentile.

Finally, I met with the doctor.  He took a look at my blood sugar readings and decided that, in combination with the size of the baby, he is going to put me on a low dose of nightly insulin.  FAIL.  He said that my readings aren't crazy high, but that they should be in the 70s/80s and mine are normally in the 80s/90s (with a 100 spike every few weeks).  We talked about the size of the baby and he mentioned that I wouldn't go past 40 weeks for sure.  He also mentioned the possibility of 38/39 weeks if the baby continues growing like this. He said that he doesn't like to induce, though because it increases the chance of a c-section and he would like to avoid that.  I am at least grateful that we are on the same page about that.  I really do not want to be induced early and I really, really, really, don't want a c-section.

After the doctor talked to me, I met with the nurse who showed me how to inject insulin.  She also wrote me a prescription for a breast pump and we discussed the pertussis vaccine, again.  I did not realize that it was coupled with the tetanus vaccine that I  had over the summer when I stepped on the rusty nail in the backyard.  The tetanus vaccine makes me quite sick, so I'd like to avoid it if I can.  I have to call the hospital where I had it to confirm that it included whooping cough.

I have to go back in a week for another growth ultrasound to see how fast this guy is really growing.  I am so upset though.  I have been doing EVERYTHING right and still he is getting too big.  I have not deviated once from the diet in almost 2 months except for 1/2 piece of cake at my shower last Saturday and I paid for that by feeling like total crap all night.  I exercise almost every day (yesterday I walked 5 freaking miles).  I only sleep 7 hours so that my fasting blood sugars aren't too high.  I have only gained 22lbs total, 1 lb in the past 2 weeks.  I don't know why he is so big.  The only thing that I can think of is genetics.  My mom had big babies ranging from 7lb 9oz (me) to 10lb 4oz (the youngest) and my husband was over 9 lbs when he was born.  I know that my mom and MIL did not eat this healthy or exercise like I am though.  I also know that they both gained way more weight than I have.

This sounds strange, but I feel like people judge me about the baby being big, like it was something I could control.  Clearly that was not the case here.  I am so tired of the "wow your belly is huge" or "you still have 7 weeks left?" or "big baby in there" comments.  I want to just hibernate for the next few weeks.

After a few weeks of feeling physically and mentally good, I now feel tired, depressed, and angry.

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Ahhh I am so annoyed at myself that I am still thinking or caring about this situation, but I wanted to give a quick update.

This afternoon I was in talking to my boss, door open, when secretly-pregnant co-worker shows up in front of her office.  Her office has a window so I looked over and I could see that she was standing facing my office.  I finished my convo with my boss and then headed back to my office.  I looked over but secretly-pregnant co-worker avoided eye contact and went into her office and shut the door.  Two seconds later I hear my boss say "Congratulations!  Do you know what you are having?".  I could feel my face get hot and my blood beginning to boil.  Then I started to feel sad and upset, but I refused any tears in this situation, which is a first for me lately.

I thought maybe she might come over afterwards and tell me so I tried not to get too worked up.  They were in there chatting for no more than 5 minutes when the door opened and secretly-pregnant co-worker walked out without so much as a hello to me.

Wow, I was completely stunned.  I have no idea what is going on.  I sat at my desk for a minute and then went in to my bosses office and shut the door.  I have worked for her now for almost 10 years, so we have a pretty casual relationship which (I know might be borderline unprofessional), but usually includes some office gossip.

As soon as I went in and shut the door, she knew why I was there.  She smiled at me and I said to her, "I know".  She laughed and said she was surprised because she was over 16 weeks.  She said, "Did you know it is a girl?"  I said, no.  I then told her all about what had been happening and she was surprised that she still had not told me.  Apparently secretly-pregnant co-worker told my boss that she wasn't telling anyone else at work.  She said she would rather people ask her (?!?).  My boss commented that she looked terrible, though.  That kind of made me laugh because normally this girl is in the bathroom quite a bit, touching up her makeup and lately she has looked like she just rolled out of bed.

Ok I get not telling every entire person in the office that you are pregnant, but what about your friend(s)?  I didn't tell most people in the office, but I told my close co-workers and friends at work.  I am at a complete loss here.

I think that I am just going to have to step away from the situation.  I am not going to bring it up to her, in fact, I am going to completely ignore the fact that she looks pregnant.  I am NOT going to ask her, even though she looks incredibly pregnant.  I am not going to indulge her.  Call me bitchy, but I'm done with her.  If and when she does tell me, I am going to let her know that this has made me feel awful, though.  

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A few weeks back I wrote about a girl at work that I found out was pregnant.  She had posted a cryptic "I'm so happy :)" message on FB that I was easily able to decipher since several of my close girl friends had also done the same thing when they found out that they were pregnant.  I knew that she was going to start trying because we had talked about it a lot in the fall.  I also knew that she was still on the fence about having kids at all because she liked having "her life" the way that it was and being able to go out whenever and jet-set off to the Bahamas for a weekend if she and her husband felt like it.

She was really supportive of me following my 3rd miscarriage, even though she really had no idea how I was actually feeling.  She had a close friend who had 4 (mostly unexplained) miscarriages in a row and then went on to have 3 kids.  Hearing about her friend always gave me hope that I might be like her some day.  When I got pregnant with this baby, I ended up telling her around 9 weeks because we saw each other a lot then and it was getting hard to keep the secret.  She was really great and listened to all of my worries and concerns and gave positive feedback.  It helped to have such a positive spin put on everything.  I really needed that.

I had not seen her much around the holidays because I was so busy with work and other stressful situations around the house.  We had talked and gone for a coffee here and there after Christmas, but not like we had in the fall.  After seeing the FB message, I assumed that she would be telling me very soon about her pregnancy.  I ended up being wrong about that.

A co-worker of mine, who sits right near here and works more closely with her in the office than I, spilled the beans to me when I commented to him that I thought she was pregnant.  Almost a month ago he told me that she was indeed over 12 weeks pregnant and was staying home a lot to cope with her morning sickness.

Of course my first reaction was jealousy.  Of course it was easy for her.  I did know that this was coming though and so I expected it.  It was not a shock, but it still took a minute to get used to.  After the initial pangs of jealousy wore off I actually felt excited to have another pregnant person in the office to relate to.  I could actually be the one giving the advice this time!

As the weeks rolled on, I still had not heard a peep from her about the pregnancy.  We have gone to lunch and coffee several times and she has not mentioned it to me.  She has asked me tons of questions about the beginning of my pregnancy though and how I felt and coped etc.  All of her conversations have been centered around the "if we get pregnant" or "when we get pregnant", I'll need to know this info, kind of thing. I must have played dumb pretty well because I don't think she had any idea that I knew.

Last week, I was sure she was going to tell me when she invited me out to lunch.  Not to be mean, but she looked totally awful, compared to what she usually looks like.  She normally wears a ton of makeup, does her hair, wears fitting (but still classy) clothing to work.  That particular day she had no makeup, hair messy, and baggy clothes on.  She was pale and definitely had put on a few pounds.  We sat at lunch (while she pounded 2 trays of cooked sushi, a bean and pasta salad, and fruit salad in the time it took me to eat one salad with chicken) and talked for a full hour and she NEVER brought up the pregnancy.  I asked leading questions about what she had been up to and the like, but got nothing.  She is going on vacation to the Caribbean next week and she only barely talked about that. She pretty much only wanted to talk about my pregnancy.  How boring.

I had another conversation with the guy co-worker at the end of last week and I mentioned to him that she still had not told me the news.  He was slightly shocked, but told me that she was dealing with some potential bad news that she was having a tough time dealing with.  Apparently the baby had a couple of down syndrome markers on the NT scan.  She had an amnio done and was waiting on the results.  I was more than shocked at this news and at the fact that she had not told me out of all of the people at work.  She told this guy who she is constantly bitching about and hates!  Seriously every one of our conversations includes her talking about how much he sucks.

I also heard from another one of my friends that she was crying in the kitchen about it and 2 other girls who she is not friends with were consoling her.  Hearing this made me upset because I feel like I understand everything that she is going through.  I have been there.  Why hasn't she told me?

I talked to the co-worker today and he told me that her test came back normal, so no down syndrome.  She is now over 16 weeks pregnant and she still hasn't mentioned it to me.  In a last ditch effort to see if she would tell me, I asked her to coffee this afternoon.  She emailed me that she is home sick and that it wouldn't be good for me to be around her while I am pregnant anyways.  WTF?  She is going on vacation next week so obviously she won't be telling me then.

I know I am just being irrational here, but I needed to get this out because it has been weighing on me for the past few weeks.  I don't know why this is bothering me so much.  We obviously aren't the closest of friends, but I figured that after I had shared a lot with her that she would so the same with me.  She is the closest in age to me at my work and we hang out outside the office occasionally.  I dunno, I guess I am just sad that she doesn't feel like she can trust me or that I will understand.

Ok that's all.  Just had to get that out.  Not even sure if what I wrote makes sense to anyone.

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Last night was my first baby related class, "Breastfeeding 101".  I went by myself because my husband didn't think he would really be needed (or benefit) and wanted to go to, where else, but C.rossfit.  I didn't complain because he has been really helpful with the house this past weekend and in general.  He has been in full-on nesting mode, which I think is so awesome.  Fixing small things here and there.  He even lined up someone to come and take a look at our unfinished house projects.  Yay!

The breastfeeding class was held at a local hospital (not my hospital) and had 2 couples and then 3 other ladies attending solo (including me).  Before we started the class we all gave our names, due dates, and the sex of the baby (if known).  There were 2 girls that were farther along than me and 2 girls that were about a month behind me.  One girl was expecting twin boys!

The class instructor was a delivery room nurse at the hospital who was also a lactation consultant.  She had two babies of her own and had breastfed them both.  She was really nice and had good speaking skills so it made the class pretty interesting.

I learned quite a bit, although I am sure that it will just take practice to figure everything out.  I had no idea that there were "different types" of milk.  I figured it was all the same, but I learned that it is quite the opposite.  We learned different types of holds and how to get a proper latch.  We practiced the different holds with some dolls.  I think I have them down pretty well.  :)

During one of our breaks, I started chatting with the girl next to me who I found out was delivering at the same hospital that I will be delivering at.  As we continued talking, we found that we had a lot more in common.  She also had 3 miscarriages in a row before getting pregnant with her baby.  She also had GD and was struggling with  the same things that I was, even though she had been on bed rest for bleeding and then developed clots in her legs (poor thing!).  She also goes to the same MFM practice that I do and we both have appointments next Wednesday!  I figured that everyone in the room had a charmed pregnancy, but it was so nice talking to this girl who totally understood where I was coming from.

Overall, I am scared to death of breastfeeding.  The WHO recommends 2 years.  The APA recommends 1 year.  I have to go back to work after 12 weeks so I am hoping that pumping goes ok, but what if it doesn't?    Will I be able to pump at work every 3 or so hours for even 1 year?  What if I have meetings?  What if I don't produce enough?  I actually have nightmares about this all the time (my baby is crying and hungry and there is just nothing coming out).  I know that now is the time for breasts to be leaking, but mine have not leaked for many, many weeks.  Does this mean I am doomed?  Maybe I am over-thinking it all.  I have friends who breastfed with no issues and others that struggled.  I guess only time will tell if I have issues.  My mom didn't have any.  Hopefully that works in my favor.

In other news, this past Sunday was my proxy-shower in my hometown.  My Mom, little Sister, and Grandmother planned and held it for me at my Mom's house.  I was able to S.kype with everyone that was there (and there were over 30 people!).  I answered lots of questions and showed people my basketball bump.  It was so nice that people showed up even though I wasn't there.

This weekend is my 3rd baby shower (I feel very spoiled).  Two of my sisters are throwing it for me near my house.  My Mom, little Sister, little Brother, and Grandmother are all driving up, too.  They are bringing all of the presents from the other shower.  This 3rd shower will be my local friends and and some family.  I am so excited to see everyone this weekend!

I can't believe that I am 31 1/2 weeks.  I'll try to post a pic over on my other page this weekend.  The first few months seemed to drag on so slow, but lately it seems like time is flying.  I hope that I can get everything done before he gets here.  :)

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