Yesterday I met 1-on-1 with the psychologist that leads up the infertility/loss sessions that I am going to.  I filled out a bunch of paperwork regarding my medical situation as well and my 'mental' situation.  This session with the psychologist was just for her to get a baseline read on where I was in the whole infertility process and have her assess how much I might need to adapt.  We went through things such as how long I have been TTC, my loss history, what doctor I am seeing, what meds/supplements I am on, what I am eating, and how much I am exercising.  In the exercise section, I wrote 4-5 times a week of running/cardio plus some light weights for 45 minutes to an hour plus one, sixty minute, vinyasa yoga session a week.  As soon as we got to the exercise section, I knew there was an issue.  She shook her head and said, "You aren't going to like this, but you will need to cut out the running."

I was pretty shocked because I had asked my RE about running several months back and she told me there was no issue with it at the level that I was currently running.  Also, my acupuncturist said I should continue running at the same levels.   I told the psychologist this and she said that if I want to maximize the results of my current medical treatment and the program, that I need to stop doing any type of activity that causes my heart rate to exceed 110 bpm.  She even told me that vinyasa yoga was considered a no no during this fragile TTC time and switch to hatha (old people's gentle yoga).  Now I can remember my OB telling me to not get my heart rate above 140 when I was pregnant and that makes sense, but under 110 when trying to get pregnant?  Really? 

She could see that I was fairly distressed about this.  Exercise is one of the only things that helps keeps me sane.  I have already cut back on my running immensely.  I asked her why I needed to keep my heart rate so low and she mentioned that it was best to keep my body under the least amount of stress possible (good or bad apparently).  She said it was just temporary and if I wanted the program to help me get pregnant then I should listen.  She also told me to stop eating any fat-free dairy products and move to either low or full fat versions.  More good news.  I hate higher fat versions of anything.

After being diagnosed as an exercise addict and a having a high-fat aversion, the psychologist decided to lay one more on me.  She said she felt that I had low level depression brought about by infertility based on my answers to other items in the questionnaire.  She told me that most of the session participants had at least a low level of depression like myself and that this was normal under the circumstances.  I have never been depressed in my life (except for right after my Dad died). 

When I got home I felt just wonderful about myself.  I called my husband and told him I was going to take the dog for a walk since the psychologist told me to stop running.  I could tell my husband was peeved by this.  He thinks I am crazy for doing all of this stuff: the RE, the acupuncturist, the special diets, the supplements, the therapist, the infertility/loss sessions, and the general obsession with this whole process.  He thinks I should just go back to my normal self.  That normal self was able to get pregnant with no issues.  This hyper-aware and proactive self is having trouble.  What gives? 

So now I am left with walking and whole milk.  How boring and yuck.  Should I listen to this advice or keep on doing my thing?  I am so confused.  Anyone have a happy pill I could take?  Or better yet, a pill that will make me pregnant right now?  Can someone please invent that?!



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Just twiddling my thumbs over here (ok actually I am taking a lunch break from my workday which has turned out to be quite hectic) and waiting for next Friday when I am supposed to get my period.  So far I have no symptoms other than fatigue, but I am always tired.  It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get, I am still always tired. 

During the 2ww I usually prescribe to the same things...over-analyzing every twinge in my body, not taking any advil, not eating anything that might be considered "bad" if I were to actually become pregnant, and not using any products like salycilic acid.   For some reason, I also always cut back on my exercise.  Not sure if this is subconscious or not.  Normally, I work out 5-6 days a week.  During the 2ww I usually only work out 3-4 times.  I also find that during the 2ww (pregnant cycles and non-pregnant cycles alike), my workouts become twice as hard.  Last night I decided to run 3 miles at a slow pace and then do the stairmaster for 15 minutes.  The 3 mile run, done at about a 9 minute pace totally exhausted me.  Normally, or should I say lately, I have been ok at an 8:30 to 8:15 pace.  I was dripping sweat afterwards.  I rarely sweat during a run unless it is 90 degrees and sunny out at any other time of my cycle.  The stairmaster experience was even worse.  Buckets of sweat.  So what gives?  Is it all in my head?  Thankfully, I am starting my holistic program on July 9.  I am definitely going to ask them this question and whether they think this is all in my head. 

Speaking of the program, I got my syllabus for the program today and spoke with the coordinator over the phone who scheduled me for a formal "intake" appointment.  I have a whole big packet of forms to fill out, which I guess will help guide the program coordinators on the best ways to go about helping me as part of the program. 

In our first group meeting on the 9th, we are doing the following:

• Introduction of peer counselor
• Introduction of group members
• Explanation of mechanics of the program
• Relationship between stress and infertility
• Side effects and consequences of stress
• Introduction to relaxation techniques
• Assignment of buddy

The rest of the syllabus looks very interesting.  I'll update on the rest of the contents as the course unfolds.  I am really looking forward to it.  Anything that I can look forward to right now, helps me.  One blog entry that I read on the website where I get my fertility meds, stated that infertility patients live there lives in cycles, and usually 2 week increments (follicular phase/luteal phase).  This is so true.  I live my life an plan around ovulation.  Sigh.  Hopefully this program can whip me into shape, help me get pregnant, and fix my 2ww workout issues!

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Yesterday was my first session with the psychologist at the Infertility Mind/Body Center.  It is housed in the same complex as a major IVF clinic so I was figuring that the Center would be focused on ART.  I wasn't necessarily correct with that assumption.  The place seems very holistic and while they believe that ART does oftentimes need to be the method for conception, they also believe in a more well-rounded approach.

I was early for my appointment because I didn't want to be late if I couldn't find it.  While I waited, I perused some of the interesting reading materials they had available in the waiting room.  I picked up a thick binder of studies regarding vitamins/supplements and fertility.  Wow.  So interesting.  There was even an article about CoQ10 and how it can help both men and women.  I immediately felt comfortable in this place.

I met with the psychologist for close to an hour.  This session was mostly about getting to know me and my unique situation.  She was very understanding and went through infertility and 2 miscarriages herself.  She listened to my "story" and asked some further questions about everything.  She then mentioned a 10 week program that she is hosting starting in July.  It is basically a holistic infertility/loss program that 12-16 women take part in (spouses are partially included).  They don't kick you out if you get pregnant, especially since they know that getting pregnant is only half the battle for some of the women in the program.

Here are the goals of the program:

• Reduce infertility related stress symptoms of anxiety, insomnia & headaches.
• Self-coping strategies.
• Ideas for fertility enhancement by making lifestyle changes.
• How to induce relaxation.
• Alternative medicine approaches.

Each participant gets a manual, a book, a relaxation cd & a yoga cd, all to aid in having a successful pregnancy.  The psychologist mentioned that once in the group, each person is assigned a buddy.  You are encouraged to check in with your buddy regularly by meeting up for coffee or going for a walk together once a week.  She also said that the people in the group usually form a very strong bond and end up meeting after the session ends for a monthly dinner.  Getting together with bunch of ladies in my same situation...It all sounded really nice to me.  The only drawbacks are that it is about $500 (after insurance) and it is almost an hour from my house.  I guess I have to decide what to do.   Yes or no?

Completely unrelated...last night I was taking my dog for a walk when my husband's friend pulled up and asked if I wanted to meet his daughter.  I had been avoiding meeting her because I have had a hard time with accepting that they had such an easy time conceiving and I still haven't even been able to get farther than 8.5 weeks.  They announced their pregnancy at 6 weeks.  Seriously.  Anyways, I decided that it would be totally rude to say that I was in a hurry so I met their little daughter.  Wow she was so cute.  Very pleasant and already over 6 months.  I kind of felt like a huge a$$ for not making any effort to visit them after they had her.  My husband's friend knows about the 1st 2 miscarriages.  He asked me how I was doing and I just kind of shrugged and said ok.  I could tell he knew it was hard for me.  I was glad to have finally met her, although it made me so jealous.  I was in a sad mood last night and feeling sorry for myself again.  I think I am leaning towards a yes on the holistic session.

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I have been a bad blogger this week.  In my defense, I have had a crazy week at work and haven't really even had time to take a lunch.  I am not sure how much I'll get to write right now, but I figure I'll give a quick update for inquiring minds.  And as an FYI, this entry took me about 6 hours total to complete!

First and foremost, I found out on Wednesday that my friend who told me that she was pregnant on Tuesday found out that she is in fact miscarrying again.  Although her HCG levels looked good, the ultrasound showed that there was only a sac and no baby, probably a blighted ovum.  They felt that for as high as her HCG levels were that they should have been able to see a heartbeat.  My heart just broke for her because I know the feeling of going to an ultrasound and having it be less than ideal.  I feel like I should have been so much happier for her than I was.  My stupid jealousy always seems to cloud everything when it comes to pregnancy.  Although she does have a child, her road to having him was so rough.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can be right now, but I wish I could go back a few days and change my original attitude.

I have decided to start seeing an infertility/pregnancy loss psychologist.  I found a holistic practice that has counseling, nutrition, acupuncture, yoga, support groups, and seminars for people all dealing with similar situations to me.  I chatted with the psychologist this morning and have scheduled to go in an talk to her in person on June 11.  I made the decision to talk to someone because I have so much built up anger and resentment about not being able to reproduce like a normal person.  I am so jealous of my friends that it is causing me to lose friendships that I have worked years on building up.  I am sad and angry that my period is about to show up even though my husband and I had planned on NOT getting pregnant this month.  It isn't healthy that I spend so much of my time thinking about this.  I am letting so many other aspects of my life that are good fall to the wayside.

Finally, a little update on where I am with this cycle.  I have (obsessively) been taking pregnancy tests every morning.  Ok, I didn't take one today, but for the past 3 or so days I have.  They are always negative and they always set the tone for the day- negative.  My temp had been going up nicely and was setting up for a triphasic chart but today it took a complete nosedive and I have more PMS symptoms than ever.  I have also had killer menstrual cramps.  YUCK.  I expect AF to show up on Sunday.  I got for blood work on Monday.  If I don't get my period on Sunday I will test again, but I am thinking this cycle is a bust.  I am just ready to be done with this so that we can start actually trying again.  I better get some rest this weekend.  :-)

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