Last year on October 15, I had enough time on my hands to go out to the store to purchase 3 candles, which I lit in honor of my three babies that never made it into my arms.  This year, I didn't have time to get anything new, but thankfully, those candles that I bought for last year are still sitting on a self in my dining room.  We lit them around 7 PM, right after putting B down for the night (he must have known mommy needed to do something because he fell asleep so fast).  Those candles have been lit and put in the center of the table during all of the holidays that we celebrate in our home.  It gives me comfort for some reason, knowing that my three babies are with me, in spirit.

I think that I have mentioned this is a prior post, but I feel like I think about my lost babies less and less now that I have B.  He keeps me busy all the time and brings us so much joy and happiness.  Maybe this is just the normal progression of things when you are dealing with a loss.  After all, I lost my Dad more than seven years back and while I do think about him on certain occasions (like the holidays and his birth/death dates) , I feel like it isn't as often as it used to be.  This is also sad.

I am thankful to Robyn Bear for setting aside a day to remember those babies who were conceived, but never made it into this world.  Since the generally recognized statistic is 1 in 4 women having a miscarriage sometime in their life, there are so many babies that deserve at least a moment of remembrance.  So many women still don't feel comfortable with being open about their feeling regarding the loss of unborn or stillborn babies.  I think this is due to the fact that there are a lot of people out there who don't think that dealing with the loss of someone you didn't actually get to meet isn't the same as losing someone who was living on the earth for even a short period of time.  Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn baby knows that isn't true at all.  From the moment you see the pink line on the pregnancy test, that baby is a part of your life and you start the mother/child bonding process.  I am not sure if I have ever seen a love as strong as that of love that a mother has for her child, born alive or sleeping.  The grief that ensues after losing a baby cuts deep and often the grief is kept inside because it isn't (generally) socially accepted.

Yesterday, I noticed quite a few people putting up FB messages regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  It is sad to know that so many have been touched by it, but it is nice to see people opening up about it and sharing their grief with others.  The more we are open about this and talk about it, the better we will feel.

I am lucky to have found some incredibly amazing ladies to share my grief with in that of a group of girls from BBC back in 2011 that helped me deal with my losses, a group of girls on FF in 2012 who helped me get through my pregnancy with B, and so many lovely ladies through the creation of this blog that have stuck with me through thick and thin.  I never would have managed without the support group that I have had.

I want to say thank you again to everyone who has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life and has understood that I lost my babies and didn't just suffer three "missed abortions".  Thank you for continually keeping me in your thoughts and cheering me on in the good times and the bad times.  I am eternally grateful to you all.  To those of you that were honoring your missed babies last night, I am thinking of you all, too.  They may be gone from this earth, but they will never ever be forgotten.  XOXO    

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I feel like my blog is smack in the middle of an identity crisis, or maybe I am.  The reason that I started it was to chronicle my path through the scary jungle of repeated loss.  I was in a pretty dark place in April of 2012 and needed an outlet for my emotions, fears, and anxieties.  I wanted to connect with and potentially help others that were in similar spots.  I think this blog has served its purpose and then some, but right now I feel like I am in no man's land in both blog and in real life.

Over the past several months, my blog has switched from a loss blog, to a TTC after loss blog, to a pregnancy after loss blog, to a parenting after loss blog.  This has happened organically and frankly without my noticing until recently.  My blog has taken on a whole new identity and I am caught somewhere in the middle.

For so long trying to have a baby was the number one thing in my life.  It came above all else, including my husband and me.  My life revolved around temperature taking, analyzing cervical mucous, and ovulation and pregnancy testing.  Once I was pregnant it revolved around pregnancy symptoms, doctors appointments, ultrasounds, and gestational diabetes.  Now my life revolves around my son.  I guess that was just the organic evolution of things, but I do feel like a major part of my identity is gone and even though I don't have a ton of free time right now, I still feel like part of me has gone missing.

Many times, I still wake up in the morning and am in complete awe of the fact that I have a baby.  I am now so deeply entrenched in all things baby.  I complain about baby related things...irregular sleeping patterns, breastfeeding issues, blowouts...  I relate to people with babies and children.  I pretty much only associate with people who have babies and children.  I am becoming one of those people that I despised when I was having trouble carrying a pregnancy and I am not feeling good about it.

I belong to a support group in FB of girls that all lost babies that were due in April, 2012.  One of those girls recently posted that she was feeling quite sad about the anniversary of the date when she found out two years ago that she was losing her baby.  It made me stop and pause because I could no longer remember the anniversary of the date that I found out about my impending pregnancy loss.  It upset me.  I used to keep close tabs on all of the dates of my losses and I feel like I have pushed them all to the back of my consciousness.  I don't think about those babies like I once used to.  I don't dream about them.  I don't cry about them.  I rarely even think about them because I am quite preoccupied with the one that made it.  It makes me want to cry as I am typing this.

Yesterday I decided to visit Fertility Friend, which has been a favorite site of mine for several years, and used to be a daily habit.  Since I haven't gotten my period yet and we are not planning on trying for another baby for quite some time, I realized that I really didn't fit in on any of the boards.  The TTC boards are for people who are actively trying to get pregnant or at the least tracking their cycles.  The Pregnancy boards are (obviously) for people who are pregnant or just gave birth.  My VIP membership runs out in 34 days.  My first thought was to renew it, but then I remembered that I really have no use for it right now.  That made me sad, too.  One day I'll probably go back to trying to have a baby and all that goes along with that, but right now, thankfully, I am in a different place and I don't need it.

In trying to move forward with my life, I decided that rather than close down the blog all together, that I am going to try a new and fresh look.  I know I have changed and my blog has changed, too.  I need to keep the blog in-sync with my life if I want to continue it. So stay tuned.  One day in the near future, you might not recognize the look of my little space on the Internet anymore.  Hopefully you'll still recognize me though.  I'm still the same girl as I was when I started the blog, I just have my precious baby now.

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...but I have had no time to put it on the blog screen.  Therapy, adventures at the hospital, more friends miscarrying, arguments with my husband out this unborn child (already), the list goes on.  Work has been consuming my life, especially with me cramming 5 days of work into 3, though, so no time to update now.  Oh and I leaving to visit my family tomorrow evening for the next several days so I am not sure that I am going to have a whole ton of time to write in the next few days.  I do have to bring my laptop for work, so I may write in the evenings.  Stay tuned.

Yesterday, I recognized National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by lighting 3 candles.  One candle was lit for each of the babies that I lost.  I chose the candles in 3 sizes.  One for my oldest baby who passed at 8.5 weeks, one for my chemical baby, and one for the baby I lost at 6ish weeks.  My husband wasn't home at 7 PM so I lit them with my dog and 2 kitties present.  One of my cats was very interested in the lighting and sat right next to them.  Kind of cute I thought.  It felt so good to honor the little ones that I never got the chance to meet.  I know yesterday was hard for others who also remembered their lost babies.  It was so nice to see how many honored their babies in such lovely ways.

For each little one that was lost.

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Dear Dad,

I can't believe that it has been six years since you left this world.  I never thought that the last time that I would see you would be at the airport as you saw me off on my flight back home.  I never thought that would be my last hug from you.  I never thought that the email that you sent me with pictures from C's play would be my last email from you.  I sadly, don't remember my last phone conversation with you.

I think that you you would be proud of your family.  We are all doing well, but still feel a missing presence at each holiday and special occasion.  I miss talking to you about work and how much it frustrated me.  I miss your dry and sarcastic humor.  I miss talking computers.  I miss your black jeans and Carolina Panthers sweatshirt.

You would be interested to know that Bill Belichick now coaches the Patriots and the Browns still suck.  There are now computers that have touch screens called iPads.  I also have a Mac instead of a PC.  :-o  Windows 7 is finally out and I am using it at work.  Rush Limbaugh has gotten himself into a heap of trouble by spouting his mouth off.  Howard Stern still does his show, but it is on Sirius radio and he only works 3 days a week.  We have a Democrat as president again, and yes, I voted for him.

In each year that passes since you went away, I have missed sharing events in my life with you.  When I finally got a new job making a decent salary, I didn't have you there to pat me on the back.  When I got engaged after many years of dating, mom was the first person I called, but it was sad not being able to tell you too.  When R and I bought out first house, you weren't there to see it.  When I got married, you were not there to walk me down the isle.  When I lost three babies, you were not there to comfort me and help me through the pain.

I know that you were not a religious person, and frankly, I can't say that I am much of a believer these days, either.  I do hope that your are in a better place though.  I imagine that you are in Heaven (or somewhere like it) attending to my little angels.  Thank you for taking care of them for me since I cannot.

One last thing...at your funeral, six years ago.  I took a plant with me that had one white flower.  I vowed, that even though I have a black thumb, that I would keep it alive.  I have kept my word and the plant is doing so well.  Right now it has 3 flowers on it.  Every time I look at it, I think about you.

I love you and miss you,

D

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