I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Maybe it is because we are fast approaching little B's first birthday?  Maybe it is because there has been a gush of pregnancy announcements (most of them 2nd or 3rd) in the past few weeks?  Maybe it is because the farther away I get from my whole infertility, terrible pregnancy, unplanned c-section experience, the less bad it seems?

Regardless of the reasons, it's happening.  Baby fever?  Not exactly.  I am torn.  Completely undecided on the idea of having another child.  Every time I make a decision in my head and think that it is the one that makes the most sense, I think of something to refute that decision and I'm back to square one.  What gives?

My husband is just as much on the fence as me.  He went from not wanting any kids, to wanting one child, to wanting for children, and now he isn't sure if he wants any more.  He really likes CrossFit (did you know???), knows that it takes lots of his time, and knows it already makes me resentful sometimes.  Why would he want to introduce another needy individual into the mix when we already struggle to keep everything together right now?

Google, "Should I have a second child?" and the results that you get won't really surprise you.  There are articles to support both decisions, although it seemed that there were definitely more articles that I found that supported the idea of "one and done".  I think that if you are looking to be convinced on the side that you are leaning towards, you will find what you want.  If you are completely undecided, like me, then the articles won't really help.

Why shouldn't you have more than one child?  Well first off, you'll be more wealthy than if you had more than one child.  Your child will be able to go to good schools, will be able to go to expensive summer camps, and you'll be able to take that family trip to Europe.  You'll have a nicer car and a nicer house.    

Another reason to only have one child?  You'll be happier, apparently.  There are several articles that I found, such as this one, that suggest that mother's of only children are the happiest.  Maybe this is because they ultimately have more time to devote to themselves and don't have to give *everything* up.  I would assume that this would ring even more true for mothers, like myself, who work full-time, exercise regularly, and have some semblance of a social life.  Life is already hard enough balancing the needs and wants of one high-maintenance child, that juggling all that with two children seems downright impossible to me.

Oh and you'll sleep more, that's for sure (unless you have my child).  Once you have successfully sleep trained one child (they say this happens eventually, but I am not convinced) then along comes the second and poof you are at square one again.  This is especially true since you'll be living in a smaller house and your kids will be sharing a room so when one of them wakes up, they both wake up.  Hugs for everyone!!  Please put on another pot of coffee!

Internet searches aside, I have seen my friends go from one child to two and for most of them, it hasn't been an easy transition.  They have less than no time to do anything that they have to do let along time to do things they want to do.  One of the children is always sick and then once one of the recovers, the other one gets it.  Someone is always crying.  The house is always messy with kids toys everywhere.  They have no time or energy to exercise.  I have even had several friends confide in me that if they could go back and do it again, they would not have had a second child.  I am not sure if there are lots of parents out there that feel this way or if I am just randomly lucky enough to know a few of them.

You would think that this knowledge, alone, might be enough to scare me away from the idea of a second child.  Just when I am making sense to myself regarding the idea of one child, this thought hits my head, "What happens if my husband and I die?  He will be all alone in the world.  How sad."  Those thoughts are accompanied by thoughts of, "He'll be a spoiled brat" and "He'll have imaginary friends", along with "I'll have to entertain him until he is 10 years old."

I knew only children growing up, in fact, one of my best friends from high school was an only child.  She is a very smart and incredibly nice person, but she definitely had an only child "diva" side that I saw on more than one occasion (albeit many, many, years ago).

The truth is that I don't know a ton of only children, but I do know of the stereotype.  Bratty, spoiled, entitled, lonely, bored, and overprotected.  I have also heard that only children are usually smarter and have lots of friends (probably because they have to or they will get bored!), though so it obviously mus not be all bad.

What I do have a ton of experience with is multiple child households, since I came from one and most of my friends came from households with more than one child.  There was always someone to play with, but also always someone to fight with (haha).  Now that I am grown up, I appreciate my siblings a lot.  They, especially the my 3 next youngest sisters, are my best friends.  We share tons of memories and inside jokes.  We have built in support systems when we need it.  We always have someone who we can cry to and who understands the full story because we really, really, know each other.  

Our neighbor has warned me over and over again, "Have your second (and third, and forth...) child before the other one is out of diapers because it will be hard in the beginning, but then much easier later on in life."  They have two girls that are about 20 months apart.  I feel like I can understand this logic.  You wouldn't want to wait too long in-between children because you want to be able to reuse your baby stuff and of course the art of diaper changing is easily forgotten!  ;-)

So what is the decision going to be?  I guess it just isn't as straight forward and will require more time.  Who knows, maybe we wouldn't even be able to have another child.  I guess that would solve the issue for us.  Or would it?  Would I become a jealous, second-baby-craving, mommy?  Would I revisit my RE and get put on meds again?  Would I become obsessed like last time?  Would I have more miscarriages?  Would I need more D&Cs?  What if I have another boy?  Would I want a girl instead?  After having two, would that be all or would I go for a third?  I am also heading into my mid-30s and we all know what happens to every woman's fertility at the age of 35.  Ahhhh sometimes I wish I could just shut off this side of my brain and let what will be, be.

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Why, you might ask?  The beginning of my cycle is filled with cramps, blood, and crankiness.  I am always angry that I have yet another failed cycle on my hands and I have another long cycle ahead of me filled with supplements, drugs, blood draws, and pee sticks.  Normally I pick a fight with my husband during this time and then cry.  Come on, it's the crashing hormones.  Very predictable, I am. 

The few weeks before ovulation always seem to take forever.  It is a constant guessing game trying to figure out if the line is dark enough on the opk and if the smiley is real or a fake-out.  Oh and also with the Mucinex I have to drink lots of water, but then deprive myself of water for 4 hours so I can test.  It is enough to drive even the sanest of individuals completely mad.  Are we having enough sex?  Is every other day good or is every day better?  What about 2 times a day?  What if I he is tired?  Plans for this time of the month?  Nope.  My husband and I have a date with our bed and some Pre.Seed. Then once the opk is positive I stress out about my temps.  Are they headed north as they should be?  Will I get cross-hairs or will I be the unlucky recipient of an anovulatory cycle?  Did we have sex enough and at the right times?

The last part of the cycle is probably the worst part.  (Over)analyzing every symptom.  Imagining even more symptoms.  Always feeling implantation even though it was probably just gas.  Feeling bloated and crampy and disgusting with no energy to boot.  Is my chart triphasic?  Was that an implantation dip?  How does my chart compare to preggo charts?  Stocking up on FRERs and trying to decide when to test or if a blood test will be necessary.  Looking at pictures of positive pregnancy tests just to see 2 pink lines.  Seeing a stark white line on the test, but having "experts" tweak it because there maybe, just maybe is a hint of a line.  Oh wait, nope that is just an evap line.  WTF.  Then having AF show up and starting the whole cycle again.  How exhausting it is just writing this.

This is why my favorite time of my cycle is 3dpo.  It is on this day that FF gives me cross-hairs so that I can be proud that my body did something right and ovulated like it was supposed to.  I have the possibility that this cycle just might work out.  The possibility that maybe, by the graces of God, one of his best swimmers met up with my healthy, mature egg and cells started to divide properly and then decided to implant.  The possibility that this might be our son or daughter in he or she's earliest form.  The possibility that we might be able to (finally) start our little family that we have been praying for.  I am always filled with so much hope for the future.  That maybe I might not have to continue with this cycle after cycle routine for a while.  How nice would that be?   One can dream, right?  :-)

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**WARNING- LONG POST AHEAD**

The weekend was going so well, too... 

On Sunday, my husband and I decided to hit the beach early since the forecast called for showers in the afternoon.  The sun was shining and it was quite warm, but there was a great breeze off the water.  I was set up with the latest edition of Glamour (don't judge) and my husband with his Kind.le, just relaxing by the water's edge.  Then I had to open my big mouth and that is where things started to go bad.

Earlier that day, I had decided that I was going to work remotely today so that I could leave a little earlier for tonight's group therapy session.  While I was sitting there peacefully reading my magazine, I remembered that I had rescheduled acupuncture for today at 11:30 AM.  I had already rescheduled this appointment several times and while I was sitting there thinking, it occurred to me that I might be doing too much at this point in time and that it might be time to cut something out.  After all, the point of acupuncture or the therapy group is not to cause more stress, but to alleviate it.  I said (out loud) that I might put acupuncture on hold for a while until my therapy group was completed.  My husband shook his head and uttered the words "you are crazy" with a sarcastic chuckle. 

It was at this point that things started to take a turn for the worst.  Hearing those 3 words put me into a tailspin and I started running my mouth.  We argued about my many (and varying) infertility related endeavors that I have undertaken recently and how they were or were not helping.  Ultimately, the fight ensued because I wanted his support of my temporary cancellation of acupuncture and he gave me the exact opposite response that I was looking for.  He thought I should go because, like many of my other ventures, I started something and did not seen it through to the end.  How could I know that it was helping me or not, he argued.  I hated to admit that he was right. 

At one point in the conversation when I was talking, I noticed he was looking past me.  I turned around to see a woman walking toward us with her humongous breasts literally falling out of her bathing suit.  I lost it and made a comment that since we were having a serious conversation I'd appreciate if he would not stare at that woman's boobs and pay attention to me when I was talking.  I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He promptly put down his Kind.le and said he was taking a walk so I could cool off.

While he was gone I thought about things.  I thought about how much I have changed in the past year and how miserable and unrecognizable I was to even myself.  By the time he got back I had cooled off enough to start the conversation again.  I apologized for acting crazy and told him that I really didn't like myself right now and so I would understand if he didn't like me either.  As I heard the words come out of my mouth, the honest truth, I started crying.  There I was sobbing in the middle of the crowded beach with who knows how many people staring at me.  What a train wreck.  I couldn't help it.  The tears just kept coming.  I told him having a baby is the ONLY thing that I think about and I would love to stop and just start living my life like I had before.  I told him that I wished we could go back a year when TTC was exciting and new.  I told him I missed running and that I wanted my life back. 

Somehow we approached the topic of next steps with everything because I was was basically dumping my brain of all of the TTC clutter amidst the tears.  I told him that I worried what we would do if the Femara didn't work.  He said he worried that my anxiety about next steps was fueled by the fact that he didn't want to do IVF.  He said he thought that this was what I wanted now, if he would comply.

The truth is, I do worry that if these less invasive treatment methods don't work that we will be that unhappy childless couple.  Do I personally want to do IVF?  No.  I really don't want to put myself through the medications, the shots, the countless blood draws, the ultrasounds, and the doctor's appointments.  If the doctor told me that was our last resort would I do it?  Maybe.  I don't know.  How long will we go on like this though?  How long can I stay on Femara?  Will we try IUI (I don't think he is 100% opposed to that)?  Will we just go off all meds, cross our fingers, and hope for the best?  I mentioned to him that these are the thoughts that are constantly running circles in my brain.

We ended up agreeing to see at least one more Femara cycle (with monitoring from my RE).  After that we are most likely going to take a break from the meds for at least 1 or 2 cycles.  We also agreed that much of our stress is due to the fact that we have not taken a vacation together since Europe last April (before all the TTC madness started).  We decided to be irresponsible (because we still can be) and take Friday off work and head to Florida for a nice little unplanned getaway.  True, I will be missing one of my group therapy sessions, a day of work when I am so busy, and the girls night out with the "band-aid" friend, but I think that we both need this (ok, you got me, I am not sad about missing the girls night).  Just the two of us. 

So now I just have to get through this week.  I decided to come in to work today and attend my acupuncture appointment.  My husband was right, I think I do need to continue this at least for a little while longer.  I think I just got down last month when I thought about the $225 spent on acupuncture treatments that did not end up getting me pregnant.  I am so thankful for my husband, though.  Even though we have arguments that sometimes get rather ugly, we always talk them out and move forward. 

More deep breaths... 

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Tomorrow will mark 1 full year of TTC for my husband and I.  This is not an anniversary that I ever thought I would have to endure.  July 9, 2011 marked the beginning of the cycle that I would conceive for the first time.  It has been a little over a year that I saw this beautiful BFP.

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I figured that before I jumped right into to posting that I should mention why I am starting this blog.  I am 30 years old and of a healthy weight.  I exercise regularly including running, plyometrics, and other cross training.  I walk whenever possible.  I have recently taken up yoga.  I eat very healthy...mostly organic fruits and veggies with little sugar or fried foods. I have recently stopped drinking completely, but previously only had a few weeks per drink (if that).  I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee almost a year ago and stopped drinking any coffee 3 weeks ago.  I have never smoked or taken drungs in my life.  I take vitamins everyday, including a probiotic and most recently fish oil.  I am very careful to use more natural health, beauty, and cleaning products.  I always wear sunscreen. 

Where is this leading you may ask?  Well, in the past 7 months I have had 3 miscarriages.  Apparently all of my healthy due dilligence has not paid off.  Here is a little background on each one of my miscarriages:

1.  I went off BCP last May after having been on it for 10 years straight.  I originally went on it because AF had gotten very sporadic.  I hated not knowing when she was going to show up so the GYN put me on Alesse (Aviane) as an easy fix.  I loved getting AF every 4th Tuesday morning of the month.  When I went off BCP my cycles came back at regular, but long intervals.  I was now at 35 days from start to finish.  Back to the first M/C...We waited 2 months and then we started not trying, not preventing (NTNP) in July.  I plugged my cycle length into some silly app on my husband's iPod Touch and it came up with my "fertile" days.  We used that as a guideline, but did not expect to become PG the first try.  Well, to our happy surprise, I became PG on the first try.  I was feeling very fertile and blessed.  We decided not to tell anyone until the 12th week because I have friends who had gone through M/Cs and we did not want to jinx anything.  I remember calling my OB/GYN to tell them that I was PG and they scheduled me for an intake appointment 2 weeks out and the first ultrasound around 10 weeks.  The ultrasound seemed so far away, but I figured the time would go pretty fast.  I bought all sorts of PG related books and a journal, which I started writing in daily.  I started taking a prenatal vitamin and DHA.  I (obviously) didn't drink.  I gave up sushi, lunch meat, hotdogs and raw cheeses.  I had mild morning sickness all the time and could not eat veggies without wanting to puke.  Carbs were my go-to food choice.  I figured everything must be going great although I had this odd feeling way deep down that something wasn't right.  Fast forward to my first ultrasound.  The doctor first tried to hear the heartbeat on the fetal doppler.  He didn't have any luck but assured me that since it was so early that this was normal.  Onto the ultrasound, I laid there on the table while the ultrasound tech tried to find our little one.  She kept asking me to hold my breath while she slid the wand over my stomach.  She was very quite and once she was finished she told us to go wait in the waiting room and the doctor would be with us shortly.  We had no idea the doctor was about to tell us that our little one had a slow heartbeat of 68 and was only measuring 8.5 weeks.  They told me to wait a week and then come back for a follow-up, but they told me the outcome was 100% M/C.  I promptly switched OB/GYNs because I figured that there must be some type of mistake.  I had no M/C symptoms.  Sure enough a week later I sat in my new OB/GYNs ultrasound facility and had the tech tell me there was no heartbeat.  I had a D&C a few days later since my body showed no signs of M/C naturally.  My husband and I were heartbroken, but vowed that we would try again.

2.  Following my first D&C it took me 46 days to get AF.  It seemed like an eternity.  My doctor advised me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  I joined a online support group for women who lost babies within the same month as my EDD.  After doing lots of research on the internet my husband and I decided to go for it in that next cycle.  This time I didn't even use the iPod Touch to help with conception dates, we just decided to go for it.  Low and behold a few weeks later I had another BFP on my hands.  I was kind of shocked at how easily we got PG again.  I called my OB/GYN and they scheduled me for some beta HCG bloodwork the next day.  My first draw was low at only around 52.  I also had some pretty bad cramping, which I did not have with my first PG.  Two days later my HCG was only around 100.  The nurse at the OB/GYN told me that I should probably expect to miscarry, but that I should come back for bloodwork in a few days.  A few days later I woke up and felt off.  I decided to stay home from work.  A few hours later I started bleeding heavily.  I went in for bloodwork the next day and my levels were already at 12.  A week later I was back to 0.  At my follow-up appointment 2 weeks after my negative blood draw the doctor told me that there was no need to wait to TTC after this miscarriage since it was so early.  He called it "chemical" and told me that it was very common and that most (normal) people would not have even known that they were PG.  He told me that we were just having a string of bad luck.  My husband and I were excited that we did not have to wait again, but nervous just the same.

3.  Third time is a charm?  Ummm not so much.  After my second consecutive M/C I decided to see a RE to get some testing done to see if I had some type of underlying health condition that was causing these.  I had a RLP (repeated loss panel) and a hysteroscopy, which all came back normal.  Again, I was told that we were probably just having bad luck and to try again.  I mentioned my long cycles to the RE (the cycles were now around 38-41 days in length) and she said that just meant that we had less chances per year to become PG.  After the "chemical" my husband and I waited a month and then started TTC again.  This time I was charting my cycles, taking OPKs twice daily, checking CM, taking progesterone, and just generally being psycho about my cycles.  Several weeks later...another BFP.  I took the positive test at 13dpo after testing negative at 11dpo.  I called the RE and was asked to come in for beta HCG.  My first draw came back at 99, which the nurse told me probably wasn't a good sign since it was so low.  Two days later it was over 200.  Then my next draw several days later had doubled accordingly so they et me up to come in for my first ultrasound at around 6 weeks.  I was an anxious, nervous wreck.  My first ultrasound was ok, but only a sac and yolk were seen.  They put me at about 5.5 weeks.  I was to come back in a week.  A week later there was a heartbeat, but it was beating at a slow 80.  They gave me a 50/50 chance and told me to come back in a week.  A week later...no heartbeat and baby measuring only 6 weeks.  My husband and I were devastated.  I don't think I have ever been so angry and upset in my entire life.  I opted for another D&C several days later so that the tissue could be studied to figure out the cause of death.

So now here I am waiting for my first AF and waiting for the results of the fetal tissue.   Back to charting, OPKs, and checking CM.  This time around I am having acupuncture and and taking yoga.  I am also starting on Femara once I get AF.

I have just started to scratch the surface of my life the past 10 months.  I am hoping to keep up with this blog and will hopefully help someone out who is going through a similar issue.

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