My chart has decided to play tricks on me this cycle like it did my first Femara cycle.  In that cycle, my temp decided to spike at 13 dpo and then fall a ton the next day and the day after that, leaving me with an annoying 15 day LP and a very negative beta.  After my temp went down yesterday, it has decided to go back up again today.  I still have no pregnancy symptoms to speak of.  I don't even really have any AF symptoms either, though. 

Tomorrow is testing day.  I am really proud of myself that I have not once been tempted to pee on any sticks.  Ok, I lied, I have been tempted, but I have restrained.  I have looked at lots of positive pregnancy tests on FF, though.  I don't know why I have this masochistic obsession of looking at positive pregnancy tests when I near the end of my LP.  I guess I am hoping that maybe my body will get the hint and turn out a positive test?  Haha.  Wouldn't it be great if it were that easy?!  Look at these pregnancy tests and then in the morning...poof you are pregnant! 

I guess only time will tell. 

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After two fairly intense sobbing breakdowns yesterday (one with the psychologist and one with my husband when I got home), I made a few decisions regarding my next cycle.  I am hoping that I can actually stick to this plan because I think it will be good for me (and my husband) in the long run.  I need a break from all of this.

1.  I am not testing until Saturday if AF does not show up, but I expect that she will show up then or possibly before then).  My Wondfos and FRERs will have to sit unused in the closet until a later time.

2.  I am taking next cycle off.  One thing I know for sure about this off cycle is that it is NOT going to include Femara.  Even though I did refill my last prescription, I am not going to take it.  I don't think another unmonitored cycle is going to do me much good.  I am not sure if my cycle off is going to include temping and opks.  I have not yet decided on that.  I think I will play it by ear, but I will most likely temp at least so I can see how my body reacts to no more estrogen inhibitors.  Can you say late ovulation?

3.  I have an appointment with my RE on 8/24.  I am going to demand a better plan for the future and that plan is going to include monitoring and or more.  No more of this unmonitored Femara bullshit.

4.  I have an appointment with another recurrent loss doctor at a different hospital on 9/10.  I am going to ask for any and all testing that I have not yet received from my RE.  I am also going to state my current diagnosis (bad luck) and see if the new doctor feels differently.

5.  I am going back to running during my "off" cycle.  I will obviously be sucking serious wind, but who cares.  I need some endorphins.

6.  I am going back to yoga.  I was just starting to get really into it and I really miss it.

7.  I will have a glass of wine if I feel like it once or twice a week.  I freaking need it.

8.  I am going to start repeating my positive mantra that I learned last night during our cognitive restructuring exercise at the group therapy session: "I will carry a healthy baby to term".  I'll repeat this to myself when I feel those negative thoughts creeping in. 

All right AF...I dare you to show up.  I have a plan and even you can't wreck it.  So there.

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**Before reading this please keep in mind that I have a bad attitude today and this post is going to contain lots of bitching, moaning, & complaining.  If you are having a fabulous and sunny day you may want to skip this one.**

All of these protocols that I am following are supposed to get me pregnant, keep me pregnant, and make my well-being a little bit better.  Pretty much seems to me like all of this "stuff" that I am doing and all of this money that I am throwing away paying isn't helping me out one bit.  I honestly feel as miserable as ever.

I am 9dpo and 99% certain that I am out for this cycle, yet again.  My temp isn't going up and I have ZERO symptoms.  No sore boobs, no twinges, no headaches, no constipation, no bloating, no gas, NOTHING.  The only thing that I do have is wicked PMS.  I am in a wretched mood and I feel for anyone who has to deal with me today.  I even yelled at my poor dog today because he was walking too slowly. 

This afternoon I have a 1-on-1 session with the psychologist, an hour wait, then my group therapy session.  I have zero interest in going tonight to either event and have wished several times this morning that I had not signed up for the thing in the first place.

I feel completely disgusted with myself right now.  I can't run and am now in terrible shape.  I feel fat and gross.  I have zero concentration at work or any desire to actually work on my career at this point in time.  I am not doing the relaxation exercises that I have been given because I just don't feel like doing them.  I honestly don't feel like I am doing anything well right now.  I really do feel like I am failing in all areas of my life.  I am more depressed than I was after finding out that my last pregnancy was a failure.  All I do is complain and bitch and mope around.  This is just not me.

Last night my husband and I had sex and instead of enjoying myself and being with him, I was thinking about how gross and unattractive I felt the whole time.  He is in the most amazing shape of his life right now (doing CrossFit) and I am in the worst shape.  He goes to the gym and out for runs while I sit and sulk on the couch.  How the fuck is this going to help me get pregnant??   

I called my RE this morning and left a rather frantic message about things not working out and wanting some guidance.  I bet you can guess that they have not called me back.  Who knows if they will.  Some days I think that I am going to switch doctors and then some days I say "what's the freaking point".  Still, other days I say I am just quitting all of this and trying things out on my own again.  The medical profession continually fails me, so why am I paying them all of this money?

I have a feeling that I am going to have a meltdown today in the psychologist office.  Stay tuned...

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So my temp was way down today at 5 dpo (see off the the right).  I know that it is too early to tell if I am pregnant or not, but I feel like that is a bad sign.  The only preggo chart that I have was from my 3rd miscarriage (see below).  It was triphasic and continued to climb up, up, up.  I was on progesterone at that time so maybe that had something to do with it.  I'm not sure.

I always wonder if all of my pregnancy charts will look like this or if they might all look different.  Will my next pregnancy chart be triphasic also?  I often wonder if I should stop charting during the TWW to give myself a break so that I don't have to think about it or over analyze it.  I also wonder if I should put any stake into comparing my chart to the thousands of preggo charts on FF and seeing that mine never looks like a typical pregnancy chart.

For all you charters out there I have some questions for you...  If you have charted multiple successful cycles, were your charts similar all of the times?  Do you put any stake into triphasic charts?  Do you think that there is any way to tell if you might be "a little bit pregnant" by the way your chart looks at the beginning of your LP?  What about at the end of your LP?  For those of you that have charted while on and off fertility meds, did your charts look much different?  This is only my 6th cycle charting, so I am still trying to figure out the answers to these types of questions.  My RE would tell me to go take a hike...she (and their office) don't "believe" in charting.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

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Why, you might ask?  The beginning of my cycle is filled with cramps, blood, and crankiness.  I am always angry that I have yet another failed cycle on my hands and I have another long cycle ahead of me filled with supplements, drugs, blood draws, and pee sticks.  Normally I pick a fight with my husband during this time and then cry.  Come on, it's the crashing hormones.  Very predictable, I am. 

The few weeks before ovulation always seem to take forever.  It is a constant guessing game trying to figure out if the line is dark enough on the opk and if the smiley is real or a fake-out.  Oh and also with the Mucinex I have to drink lots of water, but then deprive myself of water for 4 hours so I can test.  It is enough to drive even the sanest of individuals completely mad.  Are we having enough sex?  Is every other day good or is every day better?  What about 2 times a day?  What if I he is tired?  Plans for this time of the month?  Nope.  My husband and I have a date with our bed and some Pre.Seed. Then once the opk is positive I stress out about my temps.  Are they headed north as they should be?  Will I get cross-hairs or will I be the unlucky recipient of an anovulatory cycle?  Did we have sex enough and at the right times?

The last part of the cycle is probably the worst part.  (Over)analyzing every symptom.  Imagining even more symptoms.  Always feeling implantation even though it was probably just gas.  Feeling bloated and crampy and disgusting with no energy to boot.  Is my chart triphasic?  Was that an implantation dip?  How does my chart compare to preggo charts?  Stocking up on FRERs and trying to decide when to test or if a blood test will be necessary.  Looking at pictures of positive pregnancy tests just to see 2 pink lines.  Seeing a stark white line on the test, but having "experts" tweak it because there maybe, just maybe is a hint of a line.  Oh wait, nope that is just an evap line.  WTF.  Then having AF show up and starting the whole cycle again.  How exhausting it is just writing this.

This is why my favorite time of my cycle is 3dpo.  It is on this day that FF gives me cross-hairs so that I can be proud that my body did something right and ovulated like it was supposed to.  I have the possibility that this cycle just might work out.  The possibility that maybe, by the graces of God, one of his best swimmers met up with my healthy, mature egg and cells started to divide properly and then decided to implant.  The possibility that this might be our son or daughter in he or she's earliest form.  The possibility that we might be able to (finally) start our little family that we have been praying for.  I am always filled with so much hope for the future.  That maybe I might not have to continue with this cycle after cycle routine for a while.  How nice would that be?   One can dream, right?  :-)

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Whew!  It has been a whirlwind past several days.  I feel like I haven't had time to myself in forever!  I feel like I have been using lots of bullets lately, but I think that it is probably the best way to catch up at this point rather than writing a novella!  :-)

• It all started on Thursday with the movie shoot.  I had to be on location at 8 AM to sign lots of papers and go through wardrobe.  They told us to wear mom clothes with the essence of Kmart/ JCPenney.  Too bad, I own nothing from either place and am not a mom.  :(  Luckily I own a few things from Ann Taylor that I was able to piece together. I passed through wardrobe without a costume change!  After that I sat.  I sat for hours...until about 7 PM.  Luckily I knew someone there and I made several friends.  Finally they called us to the set around 7 and then it was more sitting as we filmed a dance recital scene at an elementary school.  We were filming for about 4 1/2 hours.  I didn't leave the location until midnight!  The good news is that I think I might be in the movie!!  I was seated right behind the stars of the movie and was in the last group to leave for the night.  All and all it was a good experience.  I think that was the first and last movie that I am going to take part in though!
• I ended up not going to work on Friday since I got home so late and didn't have any time to pack for my trip.  I had to rush around to get everything ready and then meet my sister to catch the train.  The weekend was really nice, but the 90 plus degree heat every day was a little bit much.  We walked around a lot, enjoyed some good food, and had some good conversation.  We got to meet my sister's boyfriend's parents who were really nice.  I am seeing a ring in her not so distant future!  The ride home yesterday was long due to bad weather.  Our train was about an hour delayed so I got home pretty late and didn't even have time to unpack. 
• It is nice to say that I really didn't think too much about babies, pregnancy, or lack of pregnancy at all this past weekend.  Cycle-wise, I am pretty sure that I am out, though.  My temps were weird all weekend and kept going down.  They were back up today, but I just have a feel that this is not our month.  I have slightly sore breasts, cramps and PMS.  I am also so tired, but that is probably just because of my busy weekend.  One more thing that I have noticed is a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen.  Fabulous!  I have not tested yet.  I am only at 11 dpo and trying to stay strong.  Friday is supposed to be blood test day, but I am out of the office and since my doctor is near my work, if I get my period before then and take a negative test on my own, I am not going for the blood-work.  I hate waiting for a call that I know is to tell me that I am NOT PREGNANT. 

Now it is time for me to catch up on all the blogs that I missed.  Oh yeah and I should probably try to get some work done!  :o)

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Just twiddling my thumbs over here (ok actually I am taking a lunch break from my workday which has turned out to be quite hectic) and waiting for next Friday when I am supposed to get my period.  So far I have no symptoms other than fatigue, but I am always tired.  It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get, I am still always tired. 

During the 2ww I usually prescribe to the same things...over-analyzing every twinge in my body, not taking any advil, not eating anything that might be considered "bad" if I were to actually become pregnant, and not using any products like salycilic acid.   For some reason, I also always cut back on my exercise.  Not sure if this is subconscious or not.  Normally, I work out 5-6 days a week.  During the 2ww I usually only work out 3-4 times.  I also find that during the 2ww (pregnant cycles and non-pregnant cycles alike), my workouts become twice as hard.  Last night I decided to run 3 miles at a slow pace and then do the stairmaster for 15 minutes.  The 3 mile run, done at about a 9 minute pace totally exhausted me.  Normally, or should I say lately, I have been ok at an 8:30 to 8:15 pace.  I was dripping sweat afterwards.  I rarely sweat during a run unless it is 90 degrees and sunny out at any other time of my cycle.  The stairmaster experience was even worse.  Buckets of sweat.  So what gives?  Is it all in my head?  Thankfully, I am starting my holistic program on July 9.  I am definitely going to ask them this question and whether they think this is all in my head. 

Speaking of the program, I got my syllabus for the program today and spoke with the coordinator over the phone who scheduled me for a formal "intake" appointment.  I have a whole big packet of forms to fill out, which I guess will help guide the program coordinators on the best ways to go about helping me as part of the program. 

In our first group meeting on the 9th, we are doing the following:

• Introduction of peer counselor
• Introduction of group members
• Explanation of mechanics of the program
• Relationship between stress and infertility
• Side effects and consequences of stress
• Introduction to relaxation techniques
• Assignment of buddy

The rest of the syllabus looks very interesting.  I'll update on the rest of the contents as the course unfolds.  I am really looking forward to it.  Anything that I can look forward to right now, helps me.  One blog entry that I read on the website where I get my fertility meds, stated that infertility patients live there lives in cycles, and usually 2 week increments (follicular phase/luteal phase).  This is so true.  I live my life an plan around ovulation.  Sigh.  Hopefully this program can whip me into shape, help me get pregnant, and fix my 2ww workout issues!

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Fertility Friend decided to give me crosshairs today, which is surprising because of how bad my chart is.  My temp today was the same as yesterday...an abysmal 97.66 F.  Really?  I never understand how this can happen.  In my few months of charting, I have never had a chart this ugly.  I did a little chart surfing this morning and found very few ugly charts like mine that resulted in pregnancy.  Crap.

I decided to try the pineapple core trick this cycle.  I have not tried it before, but have heard that it helped others with implantation.  I went out to the grocery store last night, bought a pineapple, and sliced it into 5 equal parts (I did my best with the whole equal part).  I ate the first slice last night, core and all.  I know you are supposed to go from 1dpo - 5dpo, but I wasn't exactly sure if I had ovulated so I gave it an extra day.  Apparently the bromelain in the pineapple core is supposed to help make the uterine environment more friendly for implantation.  I guess you'd have to have a fertilized egg first though and I am not sure I got that.  We'll see what happens.

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Thank you, Femara!  Fertility Friend officially gave me cross-hairs this morning.  I was worried that my disturbed sleep right around O (due to the nightly wildlife activity in my backyard) might have made things difficult to calculate, but I don't even have a dotted line!  FF thinks that I ovulated on cd 17, which is the same day that I had a positive opk.  Normally, I get a positive opk and then O 1-3 days later, so this is also a change from the usual. 

I am actually feeling very good about this cycle.  Not that I will get pregnant, but that my body actually behaved.  I am on track to have a 30-32 day cycle, which is in the realm of normal.  To me, that is amazing!  I am so happy that next month we can "go for it again".  I have a good feeling about the future and I have not felt that since before my first miscarriage. 

FF actually gave me a "good" chance of pregnancy this month with my 1 day slip-up(s).  Knowing that, I have decided that I am not going to do anything differently then I am already doing.  I am not going to take progesterone.  I am not going to stop exercising.  I am going to make a conscious decision NOT to get anxious.  I know that my last loss was a chromosomal abnormality and I am fairly confident that my first loss was the same.  The chemical...I am not sure.  I don't think that me doing anything differently is going to help or hinder me. 

So now I am back to the waiting game and the TWW.  So far no symptoms of any kind, but I am only 3 dpo, so I wouldn't really expect any yet.  FF says my test date is June 3.  Since that is a Sunday, I am going to get blood drawn on June 4.  I can't say that I won't POAS before then, but officially I will know what my deal is then.  I already have another 5 pills of Femara waiting in the wings.  It would be nice to not need them, but if my cycles are going to be around 30 days, I am totally fine with it.  Hoping the next 10 days by go fast!

I will leave you with a song from my favorite music group of all time, Keane.  Their most recent album is amazingly incredible.  I would suggest that you check it out if you have not already.  Oh and buy the deluxe edition.  Most of the songs are so relevant to my life right now, which is probably why I love it so much. 

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