Archive for November 2012

This is why I blog

Friday, November 30, 2012

Yesterday wasn't the best day for me in blog land and it wasn't for another blogger I follow, either.  The blogger that I follow recently got her BFP after infertility, miscarriage, and IVF.  She has expressed over and over how thankful she is and how scared she is.  I totally relate to everything she says even though we have slightly different circumstances.  Getting a BFP after loss brings with it a whole different set of challenges.  It is hard to be excited about something that you have had before and lost in an instant.

That said, just because someone has experienced a loss (or 2 or 3...) and has dealt with IF and/or has had some form of ART doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to be honest about their pregnancies when they do become pregnant.  Someone being honest and truthful about things (especially in the IF community) can often be misconstrued as being whiny or complaining when they "should just be happy they are pregnant and pretend everything is always roses".  Well, unfortunately this isn't always the case, as I have come to find out (my latest pregnancy malady is serious eczema of the left ear canal).  I am always very reticent in revealing some of my true thoughts on how I am feeling on my blog because I don't want them to be misinterpreted as me complaining and not being so incredibly overjoyed that my body was finally able to figure out how to grow a human being past 10 weeks gestation to hopefully give us the baby that we have wanted for so long in a few months.

Anyways, the blogger posted about her issues with her weight (something I actually posted on a few days ago).  I totally understood where she was coming from, but apparently others didn't. I don't know what was said exactly because I missed the follow-up post, but it made me sad to think that she was getting nasty comments for being honest.  There is nothing wrong with some comments of differing opinions, but there is no need to be rude and/or nasty.  Most of us IF/PL bloggers have been though enough and are just looking for some support and validation.  I don't know why some people feel the need to be mean. If you really don't like what the person is saying, then don't read any more.  Sheesh.

As for me, I had another issue with commenting on another blog.  I was offering support to someone who is going though yet another pregnancy loss.  Apparently my words were not good enough or something.  I am racking my brain trying to figure out what I said that might have offended.  I NEVER mentioned being pregnant or ANYTHING about pregnancy.  I only offered condolences like all the others because I have suffered through 3 losses myself in a short period of time.  I get it.  Or I thought I got it.  Anyways, for one reason or another my comment never got published.  I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant now or what and maybe the blogger knows that.  I guess that means that all of my earlier struggles don't matter.  The fact that I am pregnant now invalidates everything I went through apparently?  Maybe I am reading into things, but in this circumstance, I don't see how I could be doing that.  Maybe I need a lesson on proper commenting?  Maybe I should just stop commenting?  The whole thing just really bothered me for some reason.  I thought about it all night.  I ended up unfollowing the blog (my blog list is dwindling) because why read and give support where it isn't wanted?  I also questioned leaving comments on other blogs any more because I don't like this bad/guilty feeling of not knowing what I did wrong (still debating this one with myself and haven't decided what to do yet).  I still want to support those who are in the trenches, but maybe they don't appreciate my support or see it as sincere anymore.  Maybe they would rather I stay away?  That makes me sad, because I really do care.  :(

This is when I started having serious doubts about continuing to blog and follow/comment on other blogs.  I felt so much more connected when I was having trouble and experiencing loss then I do now. Even though a lot of the bloggers that I have been following are now pregnant, I still feel this way.  The bloggers who are now pregnant blog much less than before.  I am not sure why this is.  I guess I blog less, but mostly because I am worried about being too honest and offending people.  I sort of feel like once you are pregnant, no one really wants to hear about the pregnancy aspect of things.  Maybe this isn't true, I am not sure.  I also feel guilty for not having it as hard as some others have had it or continue to have it.  I only had to go through this shit for a year and change others have been going through this for years.  Sometimes it seems like it is a contest of who has it the worst.  I know that there will always be someone out there who has it worse than the next person.  That just sucks.  I know that when I was going through loss after loss, I felt the most comfort going through old posts of people who had experienced many losses and went on to have successful pregnancies.  I wanted to read all about their experiences.  They gave me so much hope.  

This morning when I checked my gmail, I found an email from someone who had experienced 3 losses in a short period of time (very similar to mine) and had just gotten a positive pregnancy test.  She was obviously very scared, but hopeful at the same time.  She found my blog and has been reading for a while.  Reading her touching email made me realize that no for every person out there who isn't interested in my story or thinks I didn't have it hard enough or something, there is someone out there who I might be helping and who really is interested.  I have connected (through email) with several ladies who have been through very similar situations as me.  I now email some of them regularly.  I check in with them and vice-versa.  We share worries and fears along with the good news.  Even though some of these ladies are on the other side of the world, I feel so connected to them now.

The email from the woman made me remember why I started this blog and why I continue to write.  This is why I blog.

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20 weeks

Monday, November 26, 2012

I can't believe that I am writing a post that is titled, "20 weeks".  Is it really possible?  The reality of everything is continuing to creep in.  I don't really have a big long post to write at this time, so I am going to share some bullets.

  • My Thanksgiving went well.  We traveled out of state for the day to visit my husband's relatives.  It was the first time in three years that we had been there so it was nice to catch up.  This was also the first time that most of those relatives found out that we are expecting.  Most of them were very excited for us.  Some of them were pissed that we had not divulged the info on FB (ummmm yeah if they only knew).  Some of them had comments about my appearance (i.e. "Wow you are showing a lot for only 20 weeks" nice).  Others asked question after question regarding things like the sex and such.  We managed to stay quiet about that.  Overall the food was good and it was great seeing everyone. 
  • I unexpectedly met my high school best friend for coffee on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  We were inseparable in high school.  We lost touch for a while during college and then picked up where we left off several years back when she moved near me.  She has since moved away and we hadn't really spoken much in about a year and a half.  It was awesome to see her.  We always seem to pick right where we left off.  I shared my news with her (she knew about 2 of the miscarriages) and then she shared her news with me.  She is also pregnant and due in April, exactly 2 weeks behind me.  I found out that they conceived on their first month NTNP.  That stung a little, but it was hard to not be happy for her.  She was thrilled and so excited to find out that we are due within weeks of each other.  I am excited to have a new preggo buddy to share stuff with.  
  • Speaking of getting in touch with long lost friends...  I got in touch with my BFF from my home state via FB.  I hadn't talked to her in years (since 2009, at least).  I found out that she recently had a baby and I wanted to send her my congrats.  I had sent her an email in the thick of my miscarriages that she never responded to.  Apparently she didn't use that email much, but read the whole thing after I mentioned it and responded in an unexpected way.  She, too, had fertility issues.  She wasn't ovulating on her own and had to take Clomid and had low progesterone.  She suffered an early miscarriage before getting pregnant with her son.  Is it crazy that I am even happier for her knowing that she had problems, like me?   
  • On the pregnancy front, I am feeling good. physically.  Last week I went to the gym 2 times and walked outside 2 times for about 40-45 minutes, plus a few days I walked 20-30 minutes.  I have started to feel stronger movement in there, but still nothing very regular.  I feel him more in the mornings at work and in the evenings after I eat.  I still use the Doppler every few days or so.  This baby likes to move a lot.  I normally would find him to the left of my belly button, but last night I found him to the lower right.  He gave me a little scare.  My symptoms are mostly hunger (all the time), itchy belly (using religiously, twice daily), vivid dreams (EVERY night), occasional RLP, peeing a lot (at the gym I had to get off the treadmill twice to go), and some discharge (although much less since I seem to have cured the yeast infection).  As you might have guessed from the comment I mentioned in the first bullet, I look pregnant now.  No more hiding it.  My next OB appointment is 12/11.  Mentally, I am doing better.  We finally DTD the other night.  It was a little awkward, but I lived to tell the tale.  ;)
  • I have started thinking about registering, although I am still nervous to do that.  Everyone has an opinion on what you need and don't need so it is tough to know what to register for.  I bought some paint samples this past weekend and hope to get to that next weekend (??).  We also, apparently, need to start looking at baby furniture because I guess it can take weeks to come in.  The things you learn...  Oh and we got a cute gift from MIL.  Our first baby clothes!  Seems very surreal.
  • My husband is in the process of putting down new bamboo floors in the dining room, living room, and entry way.  I am so excited!!!
I hope everyone had a nice and relaxing holiday!  I can't believe that Christmas/New Years are just around the corner!

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The talk

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

First I wanted to say, thank you so much for all of the nice comments and support on my last post.  It really meant a lot to me and I took many of the ideas to heart.  Thanks again, ladies.  You are awesome.

The past two days have been hard.  On Monday, my husband picked me up from work at the train and then announced that he had to go back to work to complete a few more tasks and then he was going to C.rossfit at 6:30.  So , basically that meant that I wouldn't see him at all that night.  He dropped me at home and I sulked into the house, alone.  As soon as I dropped my bag on the bench, I burst into tears.  Even my dog who normally greets me at the door was afraid to come and say hi.  I cried for about 20 minutes and then decided I needed to get my lazy, out-of-shape ass to the gym. 

I wiped off the running mascara, put on some of Lulu's finest, and headed to the gym.  I ended up walking for 45 minutes at an incline of 3 (about 2.7 miles) and then I did squats, lunges, curls, and flies, with 5 lb weights.  The whole time I was walking I was thinking about the situation and fighting back tears.  I did not enjoy my time there.  In fact, I resented it.  I probably worked out harder than I should have.  Why?  Trying to get back in shape to compete with the twenty year old girls or something was my idiotic rationalization.  Stupid.

As soon as I got back from the gym, I broke down again.  I cried for a good hour just thinking about my poor innocent little baby.  He doesn't deserve a mom like this.  I felt really selfish for being so vain.  I also felt bad for not being supportive of my husband and jumping to conclusions that those stupid fit girls meant anything to him at all.  I felt ugly, huge, and unattractive.  Ugh.  I ate dinner and headed to bed.  My husband asked me if everything was ok and I just told him I was tired.  I didn't feel like talking on Monday.

Yesterday, when I got to work, I still felt bad.  My husband had driven me to the office and then we met up for coffee later in the morning.  We didn't talk much.  I knew he could sense my sadness, but he didn't bring it up. 

Luckily he did not go to C.ross fit last night.  He was tired.  I was tired.  We decided to stay in and rest.  As we made dinner I decided that I had to say something.  I brought up how I was feeling and no sooner than the words came out, I was a bumbling mess of tears.  I told him how I was having issues dealing with gaining weight, being out of shape, and my changing body.  I mentioned how self conscious I was and how I felt so guilty about feeling that way since we worked so hard for this little guy.  I told him that it didn't help that he was constantly with young, cute, and in-shape girls every night. 

What happened next was somewhat of a surprise.  He came over, gave me a hug, and started crying.  He said he felt so bad and didn't know that I felt this bad.  He told me that I meant everything to him and that he wouldn't be able to continue on if I were not there for some reason.  He even said that when I am out of town for a few days that he is completely lost.  He also said that he doesn't know why it took him so long to realize that I was the only one for him (only 7 years before we got married :-).  He told me that he thought I was beautiful all the time and he was so excited to start our family.  He thanked me so much for carrying our son and said how wonderful it was, but acknowledged that it wasn't an easy task.

We spent about 20 minutes just hugging, kissing, and talking in the kitchen.  He told me that he never stops talking about me while he is at C.rossfit.  That made me smile a little and feel better.  I am so glad we talked.  I am lucky that I have a sensitive husband who really does love me and will talk to me openly and honestly.  I know that some people see crying in men as a sign of weakness, but I don't.  To me, it means that he feels comfortable enough to fully express his feelings and emotions in front of me.  That makes me feel so special.  Last night I was fully reminded of how much I really love this man.  I am so excited to have this baby boy with him.  I am so excited to start our family.

On a completely different note, I wanted to thank Alicia for my lovely socks!  I participated in Cristy's Fertility Sock Exchange last month.  If you haven't done it yet, you should.  It is such a great idea.

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Monday, November 19, 2012

For a change, I am not using the word jealousy to describe my envy of someone with a sizable bump or a cute little newborn.  Nope.  This time I am using it to describe something completely different.  Please don't judge me too harshly.

Let me start with a little background, which I think I may have mentioned before.  My husband is in awesome shape right now.  I mean he is usually in great shape, but right now he is probably in the best shape that he has ever been in EVER.  He started doing C.rossfit a few months ago and recently got invited to be on the competition team at his C.rossfit gym.  When he first told me that he was asked to be on the team, I was so excited for him.  I pictured he and a bunch of super-fit guys lifting weights and doing lots of burpees at competitions.  I was right to some extent, but not completely.  I found out that about 65% of the team is made up of girls in their early twenties.

At his first competition a few weeks ago, I felt very awkward.  Here is my husband laughing and joking with a bunch of super-fit 23 year old girls while I sit on my lazy behind and "cheer them on".  There are a few really nice girls on the team who have been very friendly to me right off the bat.  There are several others who I can tell want nothing to do with me.  I can tell that me being there interferes with their ability to flirt with my husband unabashedly.

My husband has been going to C.rossfit practices two times a week, plus regular workouts 2-3 days a week for a few months.  These practices and classes last for 2 hours a night.  Basically, I see my husband for 1 hour a night if I am lucky since I have been going to bed at 8:30-9 PM since I have been pregnant so basically, he spends more time with these girls right now.  Oh yeah and we haven't had sex in over 4 months and I have been shooting this gross yeast infection cream up my who-ha for the past 6 nights.  That's hot.   I have started developing a complex.  A serious jealous complex.  Not a good side of me.

Yesterday my husband had another competition that he wanted his mom and I to go to.  He left at 7 AM to meet up with 3 other competitors to drive down together.  Two of the competitors were girls.  The thought of it drove me absolutely crazy.  He did end up having to drive down separately though because his mom was going to drive back home directly from the competition.  That made me feel a little better until my mind started imagining things like one of those girls hoping in for a ride.  Ugh.

The competition itself was very long (over 5 hours).  My MIL and I got there at 10 AM and we both brought our dogs which proved to be huge pains in the asses.  We spent most of the day outside, freezing, because those competitions never have big venues and half of the activities are outside.  It was great to see my husband competing because he really is talented.  I videotaped all four of my husbands events.  He was awesome and I was so proud.

At one point I was standing around with my husband, MIL, and his 3 teammates (the guy is nice, one of the girls is nice, the other girl is not-so-nice).  I noticed that the not-so-nice girl was wearing a sweatshirt from the college I graduated from so I asked her if she went there.  She replied "only for a semester" and then walked away.  Ummm ok bitch.

Towards the end of the day, my back started hurting from controlling my dog on his leash for several hours.  My husband had finished his last round, it was already pushing 3:30 PM and I was super hungry.  I thought we were going to leave, but my husband said he wanted to watch the girls last competition.  I felt my blood start to curdle.  He, his teammate, and mom were all standing across the ring watching those two girls lift weights shouting for them.  I stood across on the other side.  They waved at me to come stand with them but I declined their invitation and went to the car and sat with my dog.  I was really feeling sorry for myself at this point.  Quiet tears running down my face.

I am not trying to complain about being pregnant here, so please save your judgements if you think I am just being selfish.  I am so happy to be be pregnant with my son.  I love him so much and I am so grateful for everything that I have right now.  I am also human and have tons of extra hormones in my body right now.  I am being completely honest here.  I have started to feel very depressed.  I have started to have body image issues.  Here I am, watching my husband who is in great shape, handsome, friendly, funny, cheer for some in-shape 23 year old girls that flirt with him tirelessly.  I am in terrible shape.  No muscle.  No endurance.  I have only been focused on one thing for the past 2 years...getting pregnant and having a baby.  I have let everything else go. 

In the car ride on the way home, I was quiet for a while and vowed to myself that I would not mention my jealousy to my husband because I didn't want to wreck his day.  Somehow it slipped out though.  I couldn't help myself.  I brought up how I felt left out and how it made me so uncomfortable that the girls were flirting with him and that him cheering from them really made me feel bad.  I missed him cheering me on when I was racing competitively.  I told him that I was jealous of his interaction with the girls on the team.  I told him I thought one of the girls had a crush on him.  As the words escaped my lips, I regretted them.  I felt bad.  Why was I trying to wreck his moment and making this about me?  I was so angry with myself.

To my complete surprise, he wasn't at all mad at me (which honestly made me feel worse).  He told me he understood and knew that it was killing me to sit on the sidelines and not exercise and be the athlete.  He told me that he had no idea that the girls might have been hitting on him because he was focused on the competition.  He told me that he was actually flattered that I was jealous and said it was cute.  He told me that my job right now was to grow a healthy baby and it was ok that I wasn't in the best shape of my life (even though he told me he thought I was in better shape than a lot of the girls in the competition...haha).  He told me that he was sure I would bounce back into shape in the spring and that he couldn't wait to cheer for me.  Seriously, I felt like a complete piece of shit.  Oh and while we were driving he got a text from his teammate saying they got 3rd place in the team competition.  His teammate was standing alone on the podium with a medal.  I felt even more like a piece of shit for complaining that I was hungry and making us leave before he could get an award.  I suck.

Well he was right about the athlete thing for sure.  I miss being in good shape.  I miss racing.  I miss getting the attention and the pats on the back for doing a good job and setting a new PR.  Seeing those girls get high fives and pats on the back from my husband kills me.  Hearing them cheer for him makes my skin crawl.   That is only part of it, though.  Just knowing that he is spending so much more time with them hurts my ego feelings and makes me feel inadequate.  I am not sure how I can get past this.  I have not dealt with this type of jealousy since college.  I guess one more thing to talk about with the therapist next week.

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Always have to be worried about something

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

After getting such positive results back from our anatomy scan you would think that I would be much less anxious and worried.  I would say that generally, I was starting to feel a little more relaxed.  Then came yesterday when a co-worker unknowingly (or so I think) spiked my fears again.

I work with someone who has two autistic children.  I believe they are both under the age of 12.  I am not sure where exactly they fall on the spectrum, but I think they are somewhere in the middle to lower functioning end.  The coworker (let's call her Sally) is always willing to discuss the topic of autism and what she believes are the causes.  Sally is very into holistic care and organic and natural products as opposed to processed ones.  I agree with this and she knows it because we have spoken about it many times.

I feel very bad for Sally because I know that her kids are a lot of work.  She mentions this a lot.  They go to special schools, have special diets, and require constant care.  I know she feels alone in dealing with this, especially when she hears people complaining about their "normal" kids.  I know she is thinking..."If only".

Yesterday Sally asked me how my appointment went.  I told her that it went so much better than I ever expected and they baby was measuring perfect.  After a congratulations she asked me if she could send me some information on autism (seriously 15 minutes after the congrats).  She said she wished that she would have had the information before she had her boys so she could have done things differently.  She said her biggest regret was getting her children vaccinated while they were under the age of 6 months.  She thinks the whole cause of autism thing "not being known" is a conspiracy.

I decided to look at the document while I was waiting for another co-worker to get back to me on something.  I am almost regretting that I looked at it.  In the list of possible linked causes are (from: From Preconception to Infancy: Environmental and Nutritional Strategies for Lowering the Risk of Autism, by David Berger, MD, FAAP):

Please note that these are not necessarily my views and only items that come directly from the article.


  • Genetic mutations (including homozygous MTHFR C677T SNP)
  • Maternal nutrition
  • BPA (and other toxicities)
  • Maternal allergies
  • Celiac Disease
  • Candida (yeast)
  • Mercury/lead (including thimerosal)
  • Hypothyroidism
  • Various vitamin deficiencies (including vitamin D, iron, & folate)
  • C-section birth
  • Birth induction
  • Early vaccines (including Hep-B)
  • Not breastfeeding
So right off the bat I saw several on the list that I am already at risk for including, BPA (canned foods, bottles, etc), maternal allergies (the article doesn't really go into detail about what types of allergies put a women at risk, but i have several), candida (umm right now I have a yeast infection), hypothyroidism (I am slightly hypothyroid without meds), and I have iron that is on the lower side.  I have no idea if I might need to be induced or have a c-section.  Awesome.

I don't think the intent of Sally was to scare the living crap out of me, but that was what ultimately ended up happening.  Luckily I had a therapy session yesterday and my therapist tried to talk me down.  I also told my husband and we had a nice conversation about it last night.  He and I discussed that, like cancer, they don't really know what causes it, unfortunately.  There are guesses, but no one has been able to come out and say that this is what causes it, so stop doing it and your baby won't have autism.  Like cancer, I am sure that women who do everything right still end up having a child on the spectrum.  It totally sucks that they still can't figure out the exact cause.

That said, I will love my baby no matter how he turns out.  It is incredible the amount of love I already have for this child.  

Sorry if I have scared anyone or brought up a highly debatable topic that might cause passionate reactions.  I still really have no idea what to think here.  It is something that has been on my mind since yesterday and has been added to my worry list.  I just needed to get it out.  Thanks for reading.  I'd love your feedback, as always.  

P.S. If you would like a copy of the document, feel free to email me and I will send it to you.

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It's a...

Monday, November 12, 2012

BOY!  I was right and so was the ultrasound tech that did our NT scan several weeks back.  :-)

More importantly, the scan went great and the baby is looking healthy.  He cooperated (for the most part) and let the tech take all of the pics she needed to get.  He is definitely stubborn though and does not like to give profile shots...haha.  His heart, brain, arms, legs measured perfectly, though.  We saw his lips and nostrils and his 5 fingers and toes.  So incredibly amazing, this little guy.  We are so thankful for this miracle baby boy.

If you know us IRL (in real life) please don't say anything to anyone else regarding the sex.  We have a fun surprise planned for a few weeks from now so we would like to keep things a secret until then.  Thank you!!

The only not so great news to come out of the appointment today was that (TMI, sorry), I have a yeast infection.  Yuck.  Honestly though, I will take a yeast infection for a healthy baby ANY DAY.  I got back in a month for my next follow-up.

A special good luck to all my favorite bloggie girls going for ultrasounds tomorrow.  I am wishing you all the very best!!

I added some new pics if you are interested!  Scroll all the way down to the bottom.

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I am 99% certain

...that the ultrasound today is going to tell us that we are having a boy.  I have been feeling boy since the very beginning.  With my last pregnancy, I was sure it was a girl, but I never got any confirmation from the test results of the D&C.  This time, I feel boy.

Now I have to try to "work" all day today before the appointment at 2:45 PM.  I am not really thinking about anything else other than that.  I am praying that this baby has all of the normal parts and measures normally.  I will be happy with a baby of either sex.  I am just praying for healthy!!

This past weekend we started getting rid of furniture (thank you for taking so much of it sis!!) and started organizing.  I went to the C.ontainer S.tore (had never been until this past weekend) and bought a new smaller desk, chair, and several desk organizers. We are moving the office into the spare bedroom to make room for a nursery.  Wow, can't believe I just said that.  Don't worry.  I am not painting or anything yet.  I have not bought one baby related item although I must say that I have been tempted.  Baby steps (no pun intended!).


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This is becoming more real

Thursday, November 8, 2012

In the past week, several co-workers have come up to me and asked me if I was expecting.  For some reason this always makes me feel uncomfortable.  I smile uncomfortably and say, yes.  Some people ask me more questions, "when are you due?", "are you finding out the sex?", "how do you feel?".  I am still having trouble talking about this pregnancy like it is actually going to result in a baby.  This week I have not told any one about our troubles, which is a big step.  I have kept conversations brief, but pleasant.  I am now showing to the point where I really can't hide it anymore.  Cat is out of the bag.  Well if you see me.

In the past 2-3 weeks I have started feeling some weird sensations in my lower abdomen.  I first felt them when I was away visiting my family.  They were just very slight taps.  I felt them one morning while I was lying in bed.  I convinced myself if was just gas from the fried chicken I had eaten the night before (don't judge, it is a specialty where I am from and not found near me now!).  I felt a few other odd sensations in the same area, like bubbles in the next few weeks, but again I thought it might just be my burgling belly.  Nothing regularly timed and nothing that really felt the same each time.  At my last OB appointment I asked where my placenta was located (thinking it might be in the front) and was told that it was in the back.  Optimal for feeling earlier movement.

This past Monday, I worked from home.  I felt kind of crampy in the morning.  Nothing majorly painful, just kind of uncomfortable.  Almost like a sore abdomen feeling.  Maybe round ligament pain??  Water usually helps me to relieve this type of discomfort so I chugged almost a liter of water in less than an hour.  I started to feel better as a result.

I was reclining on the couch and working with my laptop propped on a pillow when I started to feel unmistakable taps on my lower right side.  Then I would feel something on the left side.  All heck broke lose in there and I felt taps consistently for at least a 1/2 hour.  How incredible.  I have a baby in there and it is moving around.  Such an amazing feeling that I was never sure I would ever get to experience.  I couldn't help but smile.

Yesterday I had the same sore/crampy feelings, only slightly worse and I had to go in to work.  I started getting nervous and then G.oogling.  Not a good idea.  I drank more than a liter of water over the course of an hour and I started to feel better.  I also started feeling the baby moving all over.  This time I swear I could feel a somersault or something.  So odd, but very neat.  Today I feel some movement, but not as much as some of the previous days.  I can't wait until I can feel this little one regularly.

Feeling the baby and having others notice that I now have a bump has made me realize that I need to start acknowledging the baby in there.  If only for the sake of the baby.  Up until now I have been treating it like an "if" or a "maybe".

My anatomy scan is Monday afternoon.  I am excited to find out the sex, but also nervous to find out if the baby is developing normally.  I take some comfort in knowing that the NT/Quad results came back normal and that my last visit, where we did a quick look with the mini-ultrasound, went well.  Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks.  Crazy.  Time is going by fast, yet April still seems like an eternity away.       

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A sad confession

Monday, November 5, 2012

I have a rather sad confession to make and for some of you this might be TMI so if you know me or don't like TMI topics and don't want to read then I'll catch you on the next post.  Otherwise, here goes...

My confession is that I am afraid to have sex.  My husband and I have not done the deed since week 4 of this pregnancy.  My doctor has never told me not to have sex, but for some reason it is just another correlation that I have drawn to having sex and potential miscarriage or other pregnancy related issues.

During the first trimester, I was totally scared to have sex, but also just didn't feel like it.  I was nauseous almost all the time, bloated, gassy, and so anxious that I don't think I would have enjoyed things very much at all.  I did, however, have a ton of sex related dreams (most of them included my husband, too!)  and I think I may have even orgasmed in my sleep a few times.  If I didn't get all the way there, then I was definitely close.

I told myself, just get through the first trimester and then you'll feel better physically and mentally and you'll be able to feel comfortable with it again.  Well, that hasn't happened.  Now at about 17 1/2 weeks  I am still not comfortable with the idea of it.  I hear so many stories about women who start bleeding after sex and that totally freaks me out.  I have not (knock on wood) had to deal with any bleeding during this pregnancy and I fear that if I see blood I will totally lose it.  I have also heard horror stories about orgasms causing contractions/miscarriages and premature labor and semen causing the cervix to soften.  I also have no clue about which positions are safe and which once might not be so safe.  Ahhh I need to stop the G.oogling and pregnancy forum hopping.

My husband has been extremely understanding.  He hasn't once made me feel bad about it even though I feel terrible about it.  He has brought it up a few times and when I tell him how I feel he backs off right away.  I sort of feel like I am failing as a wife.  I also don't want to push my husband away just because of a potentially irrational fear that I have.  I mean come on, the guy hasn't had sex in months because of me.  I feel terrible.

I also just miss being with him.  We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to never!  I feel like any time he kisses me I kind of squirm away because I am afraid it will turn into more.  I am so annoyed and angry with myself.  One other thing to note, I have not spoken about this to my therapist.  Maybe I should though.

I am not sure if how I am feeling is normal for people who have gone through RPL or IF.  I just feel like if I have the option to not do something to keep the baby safe, then I will do it.  I would love to get others feedback.  Have you experienced similar feelings?  Any words of advice for this newbie that has dealt with RPL?  If you haven't come across this situation yet how would you deal?  Would you just have sex and not even think about it or would you be worried and wither not do it or not be able to enjoy it?

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Quad Screen results

Friday, November 2, 2012

I will apologize first and say that I have not been the best blogger or 'commenter' this week.  Once again, work has become the top focus in my life right now.  I have a lot of catching up to do this weekend!  Good thing my Friday nights have been consisting of Chinese takeout, a book or my remedial crocheting project, and bed around 9 PM.  Exciting stuff!

We had an appointment at MFM this past Tuesday.  I was under the impression that the appointment was to discuss the results of the Quad Screen from the NT ultrasound and two sets of blood work.  I was wrong, apparently.  Our appointment on Tuesday was just a follow-up.  They checked the baby with the Doppler (heard the little Button's heart beating!), checked the baby with the hand-held ultrasound (saw him sleeping), and then asked me if I had any questions.  My main question was, what the hell happened to my Quad Screen results?!

The doctor seemed annoyed that no one had called me to relay the results.  He told me everything came back negative for any issues.  He mentioned that they might be backed up due to the hurricane, but that someone would call me to give me the exact percentages.  We left there rather confused, but happy to know that the doctor said everything was normal.  We scheduled the anatomy exam for 11/12.

This afternoon, I had not heard back from anyone at the hospital, so I called the nurse triage line and left a message asking for the results.  A few hours later, a nurse called me back and apologized that no one had gotten in contact with me.  She told me that our risk of DS was 1/4,100 (for 31yo the average risk is 1/590), so pretty good results.  She also told me that we screen negatively for neural tube defects and for trisomies and that basically this was very good news.  I am incredibly relieved.  Not that I didn't believe the doctor, but he was very general about it all and I am a scientist.  I like the exact facts and numbers.  None of this everything is great BS.

So things have been going pretty well on my end and being so busy has helped me to not think about things so much.  I have continued with the therapy, although I have switched to every-other-week.  I have become less anxious generally speaking, but still have the high blood pressure at the OB.  Only at the OB though.  I went to the Endocrinologist the day before my OB appointment and my blood pressure was low (my TSH was also down to 1.07!!).    

Another quick update on a friend... I spoke about her before.  She had a subchorionic hematoma from 12 weeks on and bled (not spotted, full out period bled) her entire pregnancy.  She delivered her baby boy at 33 weeks on Halloween.  He was 4 lbs 13 oz and he can breathe on his own.  He is even starting to take formula from a bottle.  Such a precious little miracle.  I am so happy for her and he husband!  :)  She has has such a long and hard road.

Now back to commenting and more blog posts.  Hope you are all doing well!

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