Since B started saying his first words, my husband and I have been very careful to make sure that the words that come out of his mouth are as polite as possible.  Yes, we occasionally slip up and use a swear word in front of him, but we are getting much better at censoring ourselves.

We have already been encouraging him to say please when he wants something.  Some of his first few sentences were "Up...PLEASE!" and "Help...PLEASE!"  I would be lying if I told you that the delivery of his "pleases" was polite because they are usually delivered in an agitated, angry, and impatient kind of way.  All in all, I think it is a good start.

B loves reading.  We read several books every night and there are nights when he refuses to go to sleep without a book in his bed with him.  After closing the door and shutting off the lights, I can hear him "reading" the chosen book of the night to his doggy, monkey, choo-choo, big doggy, and little doggy.  It is adorable. 

One of his favorite books is "Bear Says Thank You".  It is a very simple book, but it is supposed to help instill the foundation of manners in children.  I can honestly say that this $3.99 purchase has helped to do just that.

We have been trying to get him to say "thank you" after he receives something that he wants, like a toy, book, snack, drink, etc.  Sometimes he will say it right after he gets something and sometimes we have to remind him several times.  I think it is very important for children to be polite to others and to always express gratitude for getting something that they want.  It is how I was raised and how I continue to operate.  

Last night during our usual middle-of-the-night nursing session, I had one of the sweetest experiences with my little one, to-date.  He had just finished up on the second side and I was getting ready to pop the pacifier back into his mouth.  He looked at me with wide open eyes and said (in his baby voice) "thank you".  I was kind of thrown off by this because he has never thanked me for nursing him before.  I just assumed he figured that, at this point, it was just part of daily life for the both of us. 

I looked at him and said, "What, baby?" with a smile on my face.

"Thank you" he said again, clear as day.  Then he took the pacifier from me, popped it back in his mouth, and pointed to his crib.

Heart.  Melted. 

How incredibly beautiful.  I have been having a rough time this week, being sick with a cold and missing several days of work.  Getting up in the middle-of-the-night to nurse hasn't really been something that I had been looking forward to these last couple of nights.  This made it all worth it.  Any sacrifice that I have ever made to breastfeed (clogged ducts, mastitis, engorgement, sore nipples, bites, nursing-in-public semi-fiascoes, pumping, and pumping, and pumping)...forgotten.  This event, alone, has made everything worth it.

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#Microblog Mondays?  Read more about it here!

*Glee=breastmilk/nursing in B (language).  Such a long story.

Daddy tries his best at rocking, soothing, and providing a drink of water, but with no luck. 

Tired and defeated, my husband puts B back into his bed (who at this point is angry and agitated) and passes me the baton.

I enter the room and immediately the crying ceases.  The pass* gets thrown on the floor.  The arms raise for me to pick him up.  "GLEE!"  he promptly states.
*Pass=pacifier in B (language)

We sit in the rocker and I cradle him in my arms.  He quickly relaxes and starts his usual nursing behaviors (trying to pull out my nursing pad, rubbing/squeezing my arms, scratching my chest, etc.).

When done on the right side he pops off and says, "GLEE?" even though he knows that it is time for a diaper change first.

Diaper change completed.  Back to the chair for part deux of our midnight nursing sesh.

All done.  Back into bed.  Kiss from Mommy, check.  Doggy, check.  Monkey, check.  Blankie, check.

Magical boobies... your never-ending nightly job is complete.    

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The reason that I started this blog was because of fertility (or lack of fertility) reasons and lately I have not been focusing any of my writing on this subject.  My early posts are pretty much all about pee sticks, CM, temping, charting, etc.  These days I am more concerned with preventing pregnancy that trying to get pregnant, but I have ZERO interest in ever taking hormonal birth control ever again.  I learned a lot with regards to natural fertility signs when we were trying to get pregnant, so I am going to hope that I can stick with that method of birth control until we decide with 100% certainty that there will never be another child.  I just can't close the door...and lock it...yet.

I am still breastfeeding quite a bit, even now that B has hit the 15 month mark (today) and more so the past few days since he has been sick with an ear infection.  He normally nurses before I leave for work, as soon as I get home from work, before bed, and occasionally once in the middle of the night.  I am also still pumping once a day at work and he gets a sippy with milk at that time.  This seems to have continued to suppress my fertility since I still have not gotten my first postpartum period yet.  Every couple of weeks I seem to have a patch of EWCM (but negative OPK) followed by some cramping a few weeks after that and the feeling that I am going to get my period, but not getting it (and having negative HPT).

This past week has seen the return of my normal pre-baby CM levels, which for me is a lot.  A couple of days of watery followed by a TON of EWCM.  Yesterday I was curious as to whether or not I might actually be ovulating, so I took a Wondfo and a Clearblue Digi test and this is what I got...

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A little over a year ago, sitting in my hospital bed, swollen and bloated with IV fluids, getting a blood transfusion, and trying to breastfeed my screaming starving newborn baby with my flat as pancake nipples, I never would have thought that I would still be breastfeeding a year into the future.  Today, I am and I am patting myself on the back for it.  It still is hard sometimes, but so incredibly worth it.

In the earliest of my breastfeeding days, I wanted to give up.  Everything about breastfeeding was so hard.  I was so tempted to throw in the towel and quit.  Here are some of the reasons why I almost quit and along with those reasons are the actual reality.  Well, my reality, that is.  I know that not everyone has an easy time breastfeeding and some women, no matter how hard they try, are unable to continue.  That's ok, too.  If you are reading this and trying to decide what to do, hopefully this will help you out a bit.  I wish I had read something similar 12 months back.

1.  I had a c-section.
Ooooof, strike one.  If you end up with an emergency c-section, like me, you'll hear it from nurse after nurse that having a c-section means that your milk will come in later than if you had a straight-forward vaginal delivery.  This means day 4 or 5 compared to day 2 or 3.  Although it is proven that milk will come in later when you have a c-section, I believe that this is partially a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you are super stressed about waiting for your milk to come in then it will take longer.  Thankfully my milk ended up coming in on day 4.

2.  I had to give my baby formula so I may as well just continue making bottles.
My baby lost 10% of his body-weight in the first few days after birth.  Since I had a c-section and was delayed with my milk coming in, the doctors and nurses convinced me to give the baby formula.  Even though it was not in my master "plan" and I felt terrible about it at the time, I did what I thought was right.  I didn't want my baby to suffer at all and to go hungry.  We used the SNS (supplemental nursing system), which hooks a tube of formula to your nipple so the baby gets a good supply of food while still learning how to nurse at the same time.  Guess what?  Once I left the hospital, I never used the SNS again or needed to give the baby formula.

3.  It HURTS too bad to bear.
When my milk came in on that 4th day it was so painful.  It felt like to 2 hot, hard, rocks on my chest.  I had a slight fever.  I thought I was getting mastitis.  More than the breast pain was the nipple pain.  My nipples chaffed, bled, and scabbed.  I cried every time the baby latched on.  MISERY, I tell you.  For something that is supposed to come so naturally to a woman who has just given birth, this felt just about as unnatural as humanly possible.  Experience helps here because this pain is temporary.  If you haven't had the experience, call someone who does.  Let them talk you through it.  My mom assured me that the rock solid feeling of my milk coming in would go away.  It did.  She assured me that my nipples would "toughen up".  They did.  I liken the early days of breastfeeding as running the first mile of a race.  Getting into it is hard, but once you get warmed up, you'll be on your way.  That is not to say that you can't use tools to help make the pain go away...nipple shields, lanolin, soothing gel pads, heating packs, ice packs, ibuprofen...YES.  Anything that helps with the pain in those early days is worth using.  Seriously.  USE IT!!

4.  Breastmilk isn't filling enough so my baby won't sleep through the night and I NEED my sleep.
First things first, I am not sure that it is a fact that your baby will sleep longer if he/she has formula instead of a bottle.  Some people may tell you that breastfed babies will continue to wake several times a night because they are not getting enough milk or because they want the comfort of their mommy.  My experience has been this, it isn't the amount of milk that he is getting (if I pump instead of feed, I get 7-8 ounces), but the comfort factor.  For me, even though the lack of sleep sucks, I work all day and don't get to see my baby very much all week.  It is nice to get to spend some snuggle time with him, even if it is at 3 AM.  They are only little once and he isn't going to be up all night and in need of his mommy forever.

5.  I am going back to work and don't want to deal with a pump and pumping.  
So this one is probably going to vary greatly for each person based on the job that they do.  I have a lot of teacher friends who really have a very limited amount of time to pump during the workday so their experience was much different than mine.  Luckily my work is pretty supportive of nursing mothers and basically ask no questions and make no demands about what you can and can't do.  I started pumping 3 times a day when I first got back to work and that was difficult.  Constantly getting interrupted from work, cleaning the pump parts each time, answering lots of awkward questions about what I was doing in that "little room"...not the most fun I have had.  Moving down to 2 pumping sessions a day was such a treat.  So much more time during the day and I could finally go out to lunch again!  This past week I have dropped down to one session a day, and let me tell you, it is like a vacation.  No more washing pump parts!  I can just pump at 11:30 AM, throw the parts in a bag, and wash them when I get home.  I am down to 18 minutes from my desk back to my desk, 4 days a week!  Looking back on my pumping experience, I would not change a thing about it.  I think it worked out for me and I was lucky.  It wasn't always easy and I did have some mishaps (forgetting parts, plugged ducts, scheduling follies), but nothing that I couldn't handle.  It was a sacrifice of time, but I feel that it was worth it for me and my baby!

6.  Reflux, spitting up, MSPI, oh my!
Seeing my baby so upset at the breast and constantly waring bibs because of the crazy amount of spit-up, was hard to watch.  When the pediatrician told me that I would have to give up so many foods that I like to try to alleviate the problem, was hard to fathom.  I didn't think I could do it.  Dairy, soy, nuts, wheat, eggs, etc.  Yikes, what else is there to eat??  Wouldn't it just be easier to give him some hypoallergenic formula?  Yes, it may have been easier, especially coming from someone who had to restrict their diet during pregnancy due to GDM.  It turns out that there is a lot to eat that doesn't include the above items and when you finally start adding back those items, you either find that do don't want them anymore or that they taste that much better since you haven't had them in so long.  Either way, babies usually grow out of this around 6-8 months and this was true for me.  Although I am now mostly Paleo, I do eat some raw milk cheese, butter, and occasionally a wheat-laden treat (like a cookie).  Eggs and nuts didn't seem to be the culprit of his issues so I added them back in early on.  I also gave him some Zantac in the early days and that seemed to help with his discomfort and it helped me to sleep at night knowing that it was making him feel better.

7.  I'll breastfeed until the baby gets teeth...then I'm done for sure.
I actually said this several times before I had him.  Lucky for me, B got teeth before 4 months.  Haha.  Right now he has 8 and is working on a few more.  I have been bitten a few times, but surprisingly, not that much.  Usually it is when he is really teething, isn't hungry, or can't breathe out of his nose because he has a cold (just had him bit me for that reason today).  It hurts, but no more worse than my nipples hurt when I started breastfeeding and the pain is gone fast.  When he bites, I say no and I unlatch him.  I wait a minute then I try again.  If he bites again, he is done for the session and I try again later.


Here are a few other tips that I ave found to help me in my breastfeeding journey so far:

• Take it one day at a time.  Today may be really rough, tomorrow will be a little bit easier, and months from now it will be a breeze.

• Set realistic goals.  My first goal was 3 months.  When I hit that goal, I made another which was 6 months.  I hit that with no problem so my next goal was 1 year and I am about to hit it!  Those goals have been realistic for me, but might not work for you.  Manageable goals are much easier to attain!

• Extra pump parts are a MUST for pumping mamas!  Cleaning regular dishes sucks.  Cleaning pump parts sucks more.  Cleaning pump parts multiple times a day sucks even more. That was the best $65 bucks I have spent!

• Don't be so hard on yourself.  If you have to supplement then by all means, supplement!!  You have to do what you have to do to get by.  When I had to supplement in the beginning I felt like a failure of a mom, but I should not have.  We are so hard on ourselves when we should not be!  

• Mother's Milk Tea.  Do it.  The taste is acquired, but now I kind of like it and it definitely helps with production.     

• Seek advice from others who have been there.  My mommy friends who have breastfed their babies have been a tremendous support to me.  So has my mom.  

• Ignore the nasty comments.  Whether it is asking why you are still breastfeeding or asking why you formula feed just explain that you are feeding your baby.  It is working for you and your baby.  Period.  None of their business.

• Build up a freezer stash.  You may or may not need to use it, but it is like insurance.  If you need it, it is there.

So on to my next breastfeeding goal...until it is time to stop.  I'm not sure when that will be.  I can admit to you that thinking about my last breastfeeding session in the future makes me weepy.  I have read several stories from moms who have weaned and I get upset every time.  I have not always enjoyed every aspect of breastfeeding, but I am so glad that I have stuck with it.  It has made me feel incredibly close and bonded with my son.  I am so lucky to have been able to experience this.

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So you may think that since I have not posted in almost a week, that I have fallen off the Paleo Challenge wagon.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  I am still going strong and have not slipped up once.  Rather than go through each of the last days that I missed, individually, I will give you some of the highlights.

I have noticed a few things since being on this pretty restrictive version of the paleo diet (i.e. no honey, dried fruits, maple syrup, etc.) which have included:

• Being more thirsty even though I am drinking a ton more water than usual.
• Being unusually exhausted in the evenings to the point where I have been falling asleep sitting up.
• Sleeping very deeply (when I actually get to sleep).
• Waking up feeling rested even after broken sleep.
• Less general bloat.
• Still craving carbs...namely cereal and crispy/salty items.
• Craving a glass of red wine after dinner.
• Being much less agitated than I was during the first week of this challenge.
• Drinking way more caffeinated coffee than I have since long before I became pregnant and not having it affect me.
• No longer feel like I am developing low blood sugar if I wait too long between meals (i.e. no carbo crash between breakfast and lunch).
• I am spending waaaaaaaaaay more money on food than I ever have in my life.  Our grocery bills have gone up by at least $150 a week to include all organic/grass-fed meats and as much organic produce as possible.
• After a serious tanking in my breast milk supply, I can say with almost complete certainty that it is back to where it was before.  YAY!  This may have to do with the resolution of masitits (and finishing the antibiotics) or with the fact that my body has adjusted to the new diet.  This morning, I pumped 8 ounces!
• We made this meal last night, Beef and Broccoli Stir-Fry over Brussels Sprouts (except with chicken) and it was awesome!  I loooove Brussels Sprouts so why not put more veggies and some lean protein on top and call it a meal?! 

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Tuesday, 1/7/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes, turkey sausage, blueberries/blackberries

Snack
Mixed dry roasted nuts, apple sauce

Lunch
Leftover veggie and turkey chili

Snack
Steve’s grass-fed beef jerky, snow peas & baby carrots

Snack
2 clementines

Dinner
Salmon with sautéed spinach and parsnip puree (from a paleo catering company)

Snack
Paleo banana bread (sugar-detox)

Exercise
Went to Crossfit after work and did "Annie" plus a 1000 meter row.  Annie is 50-40-30-20-10 of double-unders and sit-ups.  So basically you do 50 double-unders then 50 sit-ups and work your way down the ladder until you are finished.  I had to seriously scale this workout because I  can't yet do more than 1 or 2 double-unders at a time and because of diastasis recti, I can't do sit-ups.  I did 100-80-60-40-20 of regular jump roaps and 50-40-30-20-10 of plank knees to elbows.  Despite the scaling, the workout still kicked me @$$.  I did NOT run after putting B to bed, but instead put my feet up and watched my DVRed Bachelor episode.  Man do I love that show!  What a train wreck already!

Life
I am starting to feel much better on the paleo diet and don't feel as agitated and hungry as I did the first few days.  Yesterday my milk production was the lowest ever at just 12 oz while I was at work (3 sessions).  Today it was back up to 15.5, which is the lower end of normal for me.  I think a combination of the diet change and the mastitis may have lowered my supply temporarily.  B also has started taking 2 hour naps at mid-day and a shorter cat-nap in the afternoon.  This is producing an overall happier baby.  Yay B!!

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I was supposed to be writing every day for this challenge and I only made it two days.  Sometimes life interferes, I guess.  Now you are all going to get post spammed by me.  :-)

This was from Friday, 1/3/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes (did not add the maple syrup and instead added more almond milk and more spices...A MUST TRY, AMAZING!!!)
Bacon
Frozen and heated mixed berries

Snack
Steve's Grass-fed spinach & beef sticks (also a great find)

Lunch
Egg white frittata with tomatoes, onions, peppers, sweet potatoes.

Snack
Homemade baked sweet potato chips with salt/pepper 

Snack
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

Dinner
Spaghetti squash bolognese

Snack
TBSP almond butter w/ apple

Exercise
I did a really crazy CrossFit workout which consisted of 30 burpees in 2 minutes.  Since I completed 30 in 2 minutes I had another 2 minutes to do 30 more burpees.  If I would have gotten that 30 burpees into that second 2 minutes then I would have had 2 more minutes to get in 30 burpees.  Now you probably get it.  I only got through 55 total so I missed getting another 30 burpees by 5 burpees.  Try it sometime if you are bored.  It is way tougher than it sounds.  You have to make sure your chest hits the ground fully, and then you have to jump and clap.

Life
The clogged duct came back and this time with a crazy vengeance.  I was up every few hours that night trying to get the painful, hard, and hot lump out of my right boob.  No success, unfortunately.

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I found a few things out about this Paleo Challenge that I am not especially happy with, but as my husband keeps telling me..."This is for fun".  Apparently the only exercise that counts in this challenge is a CrossFit WOD (workout of the day).  So basically, none of my running counts.  I could sit on the couch and for this contest, it would be scored the same way as not doing a WOD.  Zero points.  For my blog, though, I am counting it as exercise!!

I should probably also let you know about the scoring since you might be confused at what I am talking about here.  This challenge is not without a winner.  The winner gets money, too.

Paleo Challenge RULES
Every day you get a score based on how you follow the Paleo lifestyle.  The winner gets a cut of the money.  There are also a few other prizes for weight/measurement loss and WOD performance gains.

Four Points:  You are a hunter-gatherer.  You eat nothing but meat, veggies, some fruit, nuts and seeds.

Three Points: One time during the day, you had a little something that wasn’t paleo, but wasn’t horrible.  Ex:  Dried fruit, most condiments (bbq, soy sauce, ketchup, mayo, salad dressing), peanuts, hummus, cream in coffee, etc…

Two Points:  You slipped…but didn’t get hurt.  You had a small amount of “not real food”.  Maybe it was a fully paleo day, but you couldn’t resist having a beer at the family BBQ, or you finished your kids’ mac ‘n cheese, but the rest of your day was solid.  Ex:  1 beer/glass of wine, dinner rolls, a handful of fries/chips, rice, etc…

One Point:  Most of your day was paleo, but there was one full meal that you fell off the wagon.  Ex:  Pasta, pizza, more than one soda/juice/alcohol, bag of popcorn, etc…

Zero Points:  You had a bad day and made more than one solid mistake.  Ex:  You had a couple slices of pizza and beer.

BONUS POINTS:
1.  You get one extra bonus point for every day you participate in a WOD (at any affiliate).
2.  You can get an additional bonus point for every night you sleep more than eight hours.
3.  You get one extra bonus point for every day that you take fish oil.

Pretty safe to say that I will always get at least 3 points a day.  Haha.  Ok so now on to my day #2...

Food
Breakfast
1 cup heated frozen peaches
2 slices egg white frittata (from "Against All Grain" cookbook with: tomatoes, shredded sweet potato, onion, peppers, ground 93% lean ground turkey)

Snack
Small cup almonds, macadamias

Lunch
Kale & spinach salad (with: 4oz grilled chicken, peppers, carrots, cucumbers, celery, olives, lemon juice/olive oil)

Snack
Orange
Homemade plantain chips (fried in organic coconut oil)

Snack
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

Dinner
Center cup pork chop with roasted cauliflower (garlic/lemon/EVOO) and sautéed kale (red onion, chx broth)

Snack
TBSP almond butter

Exercise
Yesterday I did the WOD, but scaled since I am still new to CrossFit.  It was "Barbara", which when done full scale, includes 20 pull-ups, 30 push-ups, 40 sit-ups, 50 air squats...TIMES 5.  So basically, the whole workout need to be done 5 times in a row with a mandatory 3 minute rest after each round.  I did half of the workout, which was still really hard.  10 pull-ups, 15 push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 25 air squats...TIMES 5.  I used the purple band (which was much harder than the purple and green bands together that I used the first time I did pull-ups).  I also modified the push-ups to be on my knees, which is till very hard.  I also had to modify the sit-ups due to my ab separation so I did plank knees to elbows.  I was dizzy when I was done, but I am proud that I did that.  CrossFit is a total ass-kicker.

Life
For the most part I felt good, physically, yesterday.  No afternoon bloating, which is great.  I didn't get 8 hours of sleep the previously night though.  Maybe 6 total, broken, hours?  I also think my supply might be going down.  I pumped a record low 12.5 oz in 3 pumping sessions yesterday.  My right, which has been the producer, has slowed production since my plugged duct and now the left is producing more, but not as much as the right used to produce.  So weird.

We had to weigh in before the WOD yesterday and I was only 115 lbs with sneakers on.  Wow, I can't remember the last time that I was 115 (maybe right at the start of my pregnancy with B when I couldn't eat anything?).  I am wondering if this is why my supply is down.  I am going to try to eat more today.

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I get asked this at least a few times a week by different people.  The comments and questions around my continued breastfeeding go something like this...

"How long are you going to continue breastfeeding?"

"You are still pumping three times a day?"

"He has 6 teeth?!  Aren't you afraid he is going to bite you?"

"He'll sleep longer if you give him formula."

"You should NEVER get into the habit of nursing a baby to bed!"

It seems rather crazy to me that the fact that I am breastfeeding my baby at 7 months isn't very common even though both the AAP recommends breastfeeding until a baby is 1 year of age or more and the WHO recommends breastfeeding until 2 years of age or beyond.

I feel there is quite a bit of breastfeeding support for mothers when they first have a child.  There are lactation consultants at the hospital, support groups during the day while you are on maternity leave, and a plethora of information on the web.  There is very little information and support out there for mothers who continue to breastfeed past 6 months.  Well, this is what I have found to be true.

For example, when I started feeding B solids a little after 6 months, I found very little information with regards to how I should go about doing that while breastfeeding.

Yeah, not a lot of info out there and what I have found is sometimes conflicting.  I think the issue is that by 6 months many moms have quit breastfeeding so there isn't the need for all the information that there is when baby is first born.  The information that I got from my doctor doesn't totally jive with what I believe in either.  She has told us to start him with cereal, which we decided not to do.  Also, she has told us to give him water and I don't really know how much he needs that, either.  I thought breast milk was good enough.  I feel like doctors aren't that that supportive of breastfeeding, which is surprising that I am not feeling that way from my doctor when she said she breastfed both of her kids until they were 2 when I originally interviewed her.

Recently, I have noticed that B's breastfeeding habits have been changing, and not for the better.  He has always been an "in and out" kind of baby.  He eats to eat and that is it.  2-3 minutes on a side MAX.  Lately it is a struggle to get him to eat for more than 2 minutes on one side before he decides to start looking around or tries to squirm out of my arms.  I have started pumping less at work.  He has even been eating less out of a bottle when I am at work.  He went from eating 4-5 ounces every 3 hours to now eating 3 ounces every 3.5-4 hours.  This all seemed to correspond to the fact that we had started giving him 2 solid meals a day; fruits in the morning and veggies at night.  He seems to have less and less of an interest in eating except for in the middle of the night or right before bed when he is tired.

Of course I googled this, wanting to know if it was normal 7 month old behavior, and the results that I came up with weren't exactly what I was wanting to hear.  Most of the articles I found dealt with infant self-weaning.  A few of the articles were centered around teething, which seemed a little easier for me to take.  I found myself getting worked up over the fact that I am still breastfeeding at 7 months, enjoying the experience and wanting to continue, and not at all prepared or supported for where I am now or for the future.  Honestly, I am doing what I think I should be doing, not knowing if it is the right thing to do or not.

So as I paw my way through the dimly lit forest that is breastfeeding past 6 months, alone.  I can only hope that I am still doing the right thing.  I really wish that there was more support guidance out there for mothers who breastfeed longer.  I could really, really, use it right now.

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...my little one throws me a curve ball.  Two out of the last 3 nights he has slept for 7 hours straight, no crying it out necessary.  Now to some of you this may not seem like a big deal, but to my husband and I, this is the definition of bliss.  Seven whole hours.  I didn't need quite as much concealer today.  What did I do differently?  Basically, what everyone tells me not to do...  

Last week, out of pure and utter desperation, I bought "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems", by Dr. Richard Ferber.  A friend of mine, who had similar sleep issues with her children, recommended the book to me and told me that it took 3 nights to get her kids to sleep through the night.  B had been sleeping 2-3 hour stretches at night and I was paying the price during the day.  I was tired, groggy, agitated, foggy, and starting to get depressed.  Every time I would hear a friend tell me how their baby slept 10 hours a night (straight) I would quite literally, start to cry.  What is wrong with my baby?  Why won't he sleep?  How can he function all day without sleep?  Will it be like this forever?  What am I doing wrong???

Back to the book, I started reading it on the train and before bed.  I gathered some interesting information that I had never thought of before.  All babies have multiple waking during the night.  The problem comes in when the baby cannot self-soothe back to sleep.  Thus, B's issue.  He wakes up and gets so upset that he can't fall back to sleep.  The book recommends the let the baby fuss 5 minutes, go and check on them (without any skin contact) and then leave.  Wait 7 minutes and then do the same.  You just keep making the check-ins farther and farther between until your baby falls asleep on his/her own.  Also, you are not supposed to give them a pacifier (or at least not replace it if it falls out) and you are not supposed to nurse them before bed or during the night.  It isn't straight CIO, but a modified form of it.  How hard could that be, right?  We decided to give it a try.  Desperation speaks...loudly.

Oh man.  I know that being sleep deprived sucks, but listening to your baby cry and seeing the baby tears is awful.  I think I'd almost rather gouge my eyeballs out than listen to that awful cry.  They say that CIO is worse for the parents than it is for the child, but I don't know, B was really upset.  The first night that we tried it totally sucked and most likely backfired because he slept worse than his normal 2-3 hours at a time.  Seeing me check in on him made him even more upset.  He had started to develop a cold and was teething so I decided that night wasn't the night to start "Ferberizing".  By the time I picked him up snot and tears were streaming down his face.  Bad mommy.  :-(

Well the next night his cold got worse and his sleep got worse, too.  He cried and wouldn't let up.  Upon giving in and picking him up, I noticed that his top left tooth had cut through his red little gums.  Poor baby.  I felt like a jerk for making him cry for so long.  I am sure he was crying because he was in pain, not because he was being a difficult baby.  Bad mommy.  :-(

I decided to table the "Ferberizing" for the time being and try a few different things that I am more comfortable with for the time being.  First of all, I started completing his whole night time routine in his room, rather than my room.  After his bath, I now read to him in his room, nurse him in his room, and then rock him to sleep to the soothing noise of the  sound machine (I can just imagine the eye rolls).  If he gets up at night, I let him fuss for a few minutes (twice he has fallen back to sleep), then I go get him.  I offer him snuggles first, if that doesn't work then a pacifier, and if that doesn't work then a boob. I realized that I actually like this routine because I work all day and this is the most quality time that I get with him.  I want to soak it up.  He won't be a baby forever.  He won't let me snuggle him forever.  He won't be nursing forever.  You get where I am going with this?

The past few nights our routine has gone as described above and I can tell you that my stress level has been much lower.  Oh and two out of the three nights the little man has slept 7 hours straight.  Last night he didn't even sleep in our bed at all.  He has cut nursing at night down to one time or less.  Maybe this is a fluke that will last just a few days or maybe he still needs a little more of his mommy at night.  I don't think that is the worst thing in the world.  ;-)

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Can I please vent for a minute?  As if breastfeeding exclusively and pumping three times a day at work aren't exhausting enough (not to mention all that comes along with it like cleaning bottles, pump parts, etc.), explaining to people where I am for 1 1/2 hours each day while I am at work is getting really old.  The responses I get when I tell people where I have been or where I am going have ranged from general acknowledgement to downright embarrassment.  Now, I am not embarrassed, mind you, they are.

About a week ago I was explaining to a sympathetic coworker (who by-the-way, does not have kids and never will) about the troubles that I was having with my Medela Freestyle pump.  It seemed like there was a battery or motor issue and I was worried that it might crap out on me while I was at work.  Now, given the fact that I spend so much of my day using that machine, I was quite distressed.  She and I were deep in discussion when another coworker, who happened to be a man, walked in and asked us what we were talking about.  I unabashedly told him that my almost $500 breast pump was having issues.  He froze, turned beet red, promptly stated that he didn't want to discuss "women's issues", and walked away.  Umm ok.

This past Monday, I had just finished up a pumping session and was waiting for the elevator to go back to my floor.  The "quiet room" is not on the same floor that I work on.  While I was waiting, I saw another coworker, who also happened to be a man.

"What brings you down to this floor?" he asked.

"Feeding my baby" I stated, pointing to my unmistakable black Medela bag.

It took a second to register with him, but then he said "Oh", as he stammered, turned red, and then with record speed, changed the subject to asking if I was getting much sleep.

These are just two instances where I have left men at my office feeling uncomfortable.  I also get stares as I walk into and out of the "quiet room".  People stare at me while I transfer milk to and from the cooler pack that I keep in the fridge in the kitchen since we do not have one in the "quiet room".

One day last week, when I was doing a milk transfer, a guy (yes, I work with 90% men) asked me if I was going to be enjoying an afternoon snack.  I wanted to burst out laughing and ask him if he was serious.  Aye.

It isn't just men that proliferate the nonsense surrounding breastfeeding.  I have a friend who is breastfeeding who was shocked when I told her that I didn't like using a cover.  She isn't the most modest person either, but she couldn't understand how I could whip out a breast in public to feed baby B.

It just drives me crazy that breastfeeding is still so taboo in American culture.  THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT BREASTFEEDING.  Seriously, I was talking to a friend the other day and we were commenting on how breastfeeding takes all of the "sexy" out of that part of the body.  I don't even want my husband anywhere near my boobs.  Hands off!!  Breastfeeding is all business.  Baby business.  My baby is hungry and needs to eat.  My breasts are where the milk is stored.  I could keep going, but I think you all get it.

I don't understand why it makes people feel so uncomfortable when I mention that I am breastfeeding my baby.  Maybe someone can explain it to me?  Until then, I am going to continue feeding my baby whenever and wherever he is hungry and proudly explaining to people where I am for 1 1/2 hours out of my day.

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**PAIL Monthly Theme: "Feeding your child" - I am finally participating in my first (and hopefully not last) PAIL monthly writing prompt post!  This topic was selected because it is National Breastfeeding Awareness Month.  Enjoy!**

Before I had B, I remember thinking about how much I wanted to breastfeed, but how scared I was to do it.  I signed up for classes, consulted friends and family, and G.oogled like crazy.  I was very worried that I wouldn't have enough of a supply for my little man.  I spent a decent amount of time obsessing over this.  In the back of my mind I worried about things like the pain and pumping at work, but honestly the forefront of my nervousness was centered around supply.  Maybe I figured that since I had such a tough time with keeping pregnancies and being pregnant that this would be one more thing I would struggle with.  Little did I know what completely different types of breast feeding challenges that would lie ahead of me...

Like any other responsible mother, I had a birth plan.  I was adamant about sticking to that birth plan.  I printed out 20 copies of that freaking plan and distributed them to any and everyone on the hospital staff that would take one.  Amongst major plan points such as no epidural until I was screaming in pain, no pacifier for the baby to avoid nipple confusion, baby rooming with us 100% of the time so that we could bond, etc., was my insistence on having the baby breastfeed as soon as possible following his birth.  Oh and my greatest wish of all was nothing but breast milk for my baby.  PERIOD.  Everything that I had read warned of the "dangers" of introducing formula instead of or before breast milk.   My baby might not bond with me or he might grow horns or something.  Of course I would be the mom to let my baby lay on my chest following a picture perfect birth and let him leisurely find his way to one of my nipples as nature intended.  Then a silly thing called Murphy's Law came to fruition and I may as well have set that stupid birth plan on fire.

My unplanned c-section was a huge factor in me not following 95% of my birth plan.  Following my complicated surgery, I remember few things about those first hours of breastfeeding.  I remember shaking uncontrollably and struggling to keep my eyes open whilst my delivery nurse tried to shove my baby on my boob, try to make him latch, and explain to me how to breastfeed.  I couldn't even comprehend what was going on.  I was exhausted from a nearly 40 hour labor and 3 hours of pushing followed by the c-section.  The last thing I felt like doing was trying to get the hang of breastfeeding.  I wanted to be asleep.  Birth plan?  What birth plan?  Good night.

No one really prepares you for what to expect in those early days of breastfeeding.  Throw a c-section in the mix and you're screwed.  Add a raging case of PUPPPs and 2 blood transfusions and you're royally (pardon my French) F*CKED.  My hospital room became a revolving door for doctor's, nurses, lactation consultants, friends, and family trying to "help" me breastfeed.  During those first few days I found out that I had extremely small nipples, that milk doesn't come in as fast when you have a c-section, and that if your baby loses 10% of his body weight that they force formula on you.  Who knew?

Giving my son formula in the hospital made me feel awful.  Once again my body wasn't working right and I was going to forever change the optimal balance of bacteria in his little stomach with this "evil" concoction.  I cried as I pumped using the hospital's machine and saw only a few drops of colostrum fall into the cup after pumping for 30 minutes.  One of the nurses declared me an utter failure so I was determined to prove her wrong.  I pumped around the clock and had almost an ounce of colostrum saved up.  When I excitedly went to show my husband what I had done, I tripped and dropped the whole thing on the floor.  Don't cry over spilt milk?  Ummm I don't think that applies to colostrum.  I sobbed for several hours as the nurses and lactation consultants hooked me up with the SNS system and I watched my starving baby guzzle the formula.  F.A.I.L.

I thought that was as difficult as things would get with regards to breastfeeding.  My milk would eventually come in, my baby would get the hang of it, and we would all live happily ever after.  In a perfect world, this is what things might look like.  In reality, my milk came in with an evil vengeance.  My boobs felt like 2 hot rocks and my nipples were bloody with gross scabs.  I leaked (or rather sprayed) every time I took off my shirt.  I dreaded every 1.5 hours because it meant my barracuda baby would have to latch.  I tried the lanolin and gel pads, but thank God for nipple shields or I may have quit.  Thank God my mom was there to listen to me sob on the phone in pain.  She assured me it would get better...eventually.

To help boost the supply I thought might be low, I ate oatmeal every morning, I added brewer's yeast to everything, I chugged Mother's Milk tea, and made batches and batches of lactation cookies.  I even attended a weekly breastfeeding support group!  I would not let my baby and I become victims of a low supply.  No way!

It was around a month after my son's birth when I noticed him spitting up a ton around the clock.  He would choke on my milk when he was drinking and would writhe and wiggle with pain after each feeding.  I was lucky to keep him eating for more than 5 minutes on each side.  His poops were bordering on mucousy green.  The lactation consultant dubbed him a "BK drive-thru baby" and told me that I had an overactive letdown and (gasp) a potential over supply. She told me to stop the oatmeal, lactation cookies, and tea.  The pediatrician told me that it was either acid reflux or some type of an intolerance to what I was eating.  She told me to stop eating dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, and peanuts and to give the baby Zantac.  Oh, no problem!  Now I am that pain-in-the-ass person who has to look at the special menu or needs to lie about being allergic to soybeans because I am sure Johnny Server really doesn't want to get into a discussion about how what I eat affects my milk.  The kicker with all of this is that my baby still spit up a ton (poor kid lives in his multi-colored BRU terry cloth bibs) and still cried after he ate on many occasions.  So much for those solutions to the problem!

Breastfeeding in public is an art that I haven't been able to fully master.  Trying to position a squirming and crying baby on a boob under a hot cover-up is like trying to thread a needle in a low-light sauna.  Not comfortable and not easy.  Dealing with people staring at me makes me more angry than self-conscious.  Yes, I have boobs.  Yes, one of them is out of my shirt.  Yes, my baby is sucking on one of my boobs.  Take your stupid stare elsewhere and let me feed my hungry baby in peace!  Sheesh!

I came to find out that three month maternity leave goes by so very quickly and wasn't the 3 month vacation from work that I had imagined.  I blinked and I was back in the office.  Unlike coming back after a 3 month vacation, nice and rested, I was exhausted and loopy.  I soon learned that I had to fight with the daytime nappers to use the lactation, or "quiet" room, as my company calls it. Pumping every 3 hours during the day at work is tough.  Lugging the bag full of milk home from work is even tougher.  Cleaning all of the pump parts 3-4 times a day is a huge P.I.T.A.  For the first time, I realized that I missed nursing my baby.  I missed the comfort of looking at him happily sucking away and hearing him gulp.  I missed him lovingly rubbing my belly and pulling off to look at me with milk running down his smiley face.  I missed breastfeeding my baby.  

The truth is, my relationship with breastfeeding has been rocky.  It started out rough and then got rougher.  Through it all, I have learned this, nothing ever goes as planned, so put that silly birth plan in the circular file.  You need to learn to be flexible, adaptable, easy-going.  Just like any other skill, breastfeeding takes time to develop.  All of the planning, research, and classes in the world are not going to prepare you for your breastfeeding journey.

So if you are planning on breastfeeding your baby (high five if you are after reading this post :-), my one piece of advice to you would be to NOT listen to those people who claim that breastfeeding is a natural thing that just happens as soon as the baby is born.  Breastfeeding is hard and hurts and in the early days it just plain sucks.  Sometimes you need to supplement with formula.  Sometimes you need to switch from the breast to formula completely.  It's all ok.  You do what you gotta do to keep your baby healthy and growing.  Some of the smartest kids I know were straight formula fed.  I am happy that breastfeeding is finally working for me, but it may not be working for you, and that is ok.

If you are still breastfeeding than I am sure you can relate to some or all of this post.  There are ups and downs, but once you finally get into a groove it really does become second nature and possibly even an enjoyable way to connect with your baby.  Personally speaking, I am glad that I have stuck with it for (gasp) the past 4 months.  I hope to be able to continue until it makes sense for me to stop.         

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Before I started back to work last week, I scoured the web to find resources and articles about pumping.  Thinking about the logistics made my head spin.  How many times a day would I need to pump?  For how long would I need to pump?  What types of supplies would I need?  Would I feel uncomfortable popping out my boobs in a small room while at work?  Would pumping interfere with my work day?  Yadda, yadda, yadda. 

I found a few of helpful places that helped to point me in the right direction:

1.  KellyMom - Pumping & Employment: http://kellymom.com/category/bf/pumpingmoms/

2.  La Leche League - Pumping: http://www.lalecheleague.org/nb/nbpumping.html

3.  Work & Pump - http://www.workandpump.com/

Nothing could really have prepared me fully for the experience.  Granted I am only 1 1/2 weeks in, but I feel like I am sort of a pro at it now.  It honestly is not as hard as I thought it was going to be, but there are some tips I'd like to share that have helped to make my experience a little better.  I wish I could have heard these tips before I started so I figure that I may as well share them with you all. 

1.  It's the pump that counts.  Back when I was pregnant, I found out that insurance would cover a breast pump.  I was excited to knock that item off of the registry.  I was dead set on getting a Medela, since it seems to be the gold standard in the pumping world.  I was unsure on the actual pump to get.  My insurance fully covered the "Pump In Style Advanced".  When I went to pick it up, I found it to be quite heavy.  My daily commute to work includes up to 4 miles of walking, so I was worried about the heaviness.  I ended up getting the "Freestyle", which is the lighter version of the double electric pump.  It can be used away from the bag, which is something that the Freestyle can't do.  The cooler bag and ice pack that were included with the pump are awesome.  I freeze the pack at night and place the milk in there and in the fridge.  It is a good system.  I am so extremely glad that I got this pump.  It has been awesome so far.  I would STRONGLY recommend it to anyone who has to walk to work with the bag and doesn't want to be tired to the bag.

The Medela Freestyle

The cooler bag included with the pump

2.  Extra supplies are a MUST!  On Monday, I did a stupid thing and forgot bottle lids.  I realized it when I was pumping my first session.  Luckily, I had one extra lid from the previous week in the bag, so I didn't have to dump the session.  That would have killed me.  After pumping I headed to the drugstore to purchase some more milk storage bags (I have a bazillion at home).  I now keep the 1/2 the extra bags in my desk at work and the other 1/2 in the bag, just in case.  I also purchased a complete set of spare parts for the pump.  This will be helpful if something breaks and I need a backup, but also so that I always have a clean/dry set to use. 

3.  An emergency manual pump.  I have never used this, but I bought the Medela Harmony Manual Pump on Amazon for $40.  I am keeping it at my desk at work for emergency situations, like if I forget my pump at home or my electric pump malfunctions.  It is insurance that I am glad to have.

4.  Axillary pumping items.  I have the Medela Quick Clean Wipes, which I would strongly recommend.  You don't need water.  I clean the parts between my first 2 sessions at work and then put them into a clean gallon sized bag.  I have a bottle of hand sanitizer.  This is good after touching the gross community doorknobs.  Tissues/paper towels are also handy.  I seem to spill a lot and also I use the paper towels to quickly air dry the parts after wiping them down.  I keep extra breast pads and lanolin in the bag as well.  You never know when you might need one of those items.

Awesome Medela Quick Cleaning Wipes!

5.  I find that pumping at 8:30 AM, 12 PM, and 3 PM for 15 minutes at a time works for me.  I usually get the most out of the first session and less and less after each subsequent session.  I seem to get at least 4-5 oz at each session though.  Once I have even gotten 8.  Not sure what I ate that helped me produce that much!  I book the time in my Outlook calendar at work like a meeting so that no one schedules me for anything during those times.  Sometimes I go a little earlier or later depending on how my day is going.

6.  Start pumping one extra time a day before going back to work to build up a stash in the freezer.  I did this and I am so glad that I did.  I have over 100 oz in the freezer just in case.  I actually keep adding a little to it each day to the point where I am running out of freezer space!  I guess it is time for a deep freezer!

7.  Walking in and out of the "lactation room" (or "quiet room" as my company calls it) is awkward.  Being in the lactation room at all is awkward.  Waiting to use the lactation room is both tedious and annoying.  Today I ran into an issue where someone was parked in the room with the door locked for 45 minutes plus.  I am the only person pumping in my office right now, so the person that was in there was either taking a private phone call or taking a nap.  I was pretty infuriated and made a call to HR.  I asked for a sign-up sheet for the room, which I think is a reasonable idea, but I am not sure the idea will go anywhere.  For now I am left to fend for myself and I pray every time I go to pump that the door is open.

The dungeon (a.k.a. lactation room)

My view while pumping, very inspiring!

8.  Nursing clothing is underrated and over priced.  I only have a few dresses and tops that I can wear to work that are nursing friendly.  The rest of the days, I am forced to sit on my sweater (it is about 50 degrees F in my office, year round) and pull up my shirt or dress which sucks.  Nursing clothing is usually hideous and also quite expensive.  Deep v-neck shirts/dresses are my new b(r)e(a)st friends. 

9.  I don't use a hands free bra.  Well rather I didn't purchase one.  I seem to be able to do hands free with a regular nursing bra by leaving it clipped and just wedging the pump shields in there.  Once the section gets going, they stick on pretty well and I can surf the web on my iPhone.

10.  When I get home I fill up a pink bucket (that I was gifted at the hospital) with the Medela Quick Clean Breastmilk Removal Soap and hot water, let the parts soak for 5 minutes, rinse them, and dry them on the bottle rack.  Some people say the soap isn't worth it.  I beg to differ.  It leaves no residue and requires no scrubbing.  The bottles are squeaky clean. 

So in a nutshell, this is my life for 2 plus hours a day for the next 6 plus months (I hope).  It is tough and kid of a pain, but I am hoping that my hard work pays off.  I know that I appreciate the time that my mom spent breastfeeding me.  I hope little B feels the same way when he gets older! 

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Wow 2 days in a row.  I am impressed with myself.  ;-)

I am not sure if it is because we completely changed up B's scheduled or what, but this week has been just as bad for sleeping as it was when he was 2 weeks old.  He went from sleeping 5-6 solid hours to 1.5-2 hours.  Mommy is tired.  Mommy is grouchy.  Mommy is sleepy.

I am graciously soliciting advice here from other mommies out there who have gone through the same thing.  I started loosely implementing the E.A.S.Y. (Eat, Activity, Sleep, Your time) baby schedule for B about 2 months back and it seemed to be working. Here is what our typical schedule looked like, with regards to sleep, before I went back to work.  I was BF on demand so I am not putting the full feeding schedule in here.  He sleeps in a co-sleeper in our room right now.

7 AM- wake for the day
9 AM- nap
12 PM- nap
3 PM- nap
5 PM- cat-nap
6:30 PM- bath, massage w/ lotion, book, swaddle, BF, sing
7:30 PM- bed
10:30 PM- dream feed
3:30/4 AM- B wakes on his own to eat

Now that I am back to work and have to wake at the ungodly hour of 4:45 AM for the day, things are a little different.  He takes one good nap in the morning and then that is it.  Only cat-naps for the rest of the day and not on any schedule.  My poor sister.  The items in parenthesis are the events that I have no control over.

5:40 AM- wake B to BF
6:10 AM- I leave for work
7 AM- nap
8:30/9 AM- 5 oz bottle pumped milk, I pump between 6-8 oz @ work
12 PM- 5oz bottle pumped milk, I pump 5-6 oz @ work
3 PM- 5oz bottle pumped milk, I pump 4-5 oz @ work
5 PM- I get home from work
5:30/6 PM- BF
6:30 PM- bath, massage w/ lotion, book, swaddle, BF, sing
7:30 PM- put B down
8 PM- B wakes up crying, soothe and put back in bed w/ pacifier
8:15 PM- wakes up crying, soothe and put back in bed w/ pacifier
8:30 PM- wakes up crying, soothe and put back in bed w/ pacifier
8:45 PM- B is finally asleep
10/10:30 PM- dream feed or pump (last night was the first night I skipped the dream feed and pumped because it doesn't seem to be working anymore)
(12:30 AM- B wakes crying, BF lying down, we both fall asleep)
1:30 AM- I wake up, put B back in his bed
3 AM- B wakes crying, BF lying down, we both fall asleep, again
4:30/4:45 AM-  wake up, put B back in his bed, I get ready for work

I think the thing that I am struggling most with right now is the getting B to sleep.  If I could get him down at 7:30 PM for the night then I would have some time to do things like make dinner, pack my lunch, wash bottles/pump parts, do laundry, and iron my clothes for the next day so that I could go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I bought a Graco sound machine, which I really like, but don't think it helps much.  I also have the Tranquil Turtle, which I also like, but doesn't really help either.  Our room has good ventilation.  We have a ceiling fan, air purifier and central AC.  We use the Miracle Blanket, which he has started to bust out of.  We have tried weaning him from a swaddle at night, but he won't sleep at all.  I know we need to start weaning again though because I have a feeling he will be rolling over soon. 

One other wild card is the fact that he also has suspected mild acid reflux and a suspected MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance).  He has never been tested and formally diagnosed.  He is on baby Zantac twice a day plus I am dairy and soy free (the joy).  He spits up a lot, but not usually at night.  I am not sure if this is another reason why he has trouble?

Does anyone have good advice on how to get a baby to sleep easier or is this just a phase that he will grow out of?  It isn't even the night waking that is the biggest issue, it is the struggle with getting him to sleep.  At first I was thinking growth spurt, but now that this has gone on for over a week, I am thinking not so much.

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I have debated with myself lately about closing up shop with this blog because it is quite clear to me, and anyone else who used to read, that I rarely post any more.  The truth is that I barely have time to go to the bathroom anymore let alone sit down at a computer to type a collection of coherent thoughts a few times a month.

I miss blogging.  I miss my bloggie friends.  I feel like every time that I have a chance to actually sit down and read, I am so far behind in each blog that I have to go back many posts to catch up.

So here goes, one last try.  If I can't pump out 4 posts by August 23rd then it is time for me to move on.  Stay tuned!

The past two weeks have been really tough for me.  This past Monday was my first day back in the office, full-time.  Last week I spent preparing to be back in the office so that this week would be less stressful for me.  I think I cried every night last week when I would hold my baby, thinking to myself about how unfair it is that I can't spend my days with him instead of going to work every day.  Mommy guilt is such a strong force.  That in combination with the sleep deprivation can be a recipe for disaster.  In the last 3 nights, I think I have had a combined 5 hours of sleep.  I passed out cold on my train ride this morning. 

My sister is graciously nannying for us.  We are so incredibly thankful to have someone with an early childhood education background watching out son.  This has not been without its challenges though.  She is several years younger than me and has spent the last 2 years in a third world country teaching underprivileged children.   Going from an unstructured and stress free life to a regular routine (complete with a schedule and documenting baby feeds/poops/sleeps in BabyConnect) has been more difficult than she or I imagined.  Not to mention that she is living with us in our tiny 1100 square foot house and is a vegetarian in a Paleo house.  To her credit, she is is really settling in nicely and is doing a great job.  I have not had to worry about B.  We decided that she is going to watch B from 6 AM-5 PM and then live her life, baby free.  If B were in daycare, it would be the same thing.  

Work itself has been fairly busy so that the days are going by super fast.  I have worked out a schedule of 7:15 AM- 3:30 PM M-Th and then 8-4 PM on Fridays, from home.  I am pumping 3 times a day: 8:30 AM, 12 PM, & 3 PM, for 15 minutes each session at work.  I also have to tack on an extra 10 or so minutes for clean-up (Medela no-water wipes are AMAZING) and 5-10 minutes to wait for the gentlemen that I work with to vacate the lactation room and take their personal calls elsewhere, so it is pretty time consuming.  The room is also pretty awful.  A closet with a small plastic covered couch, a small square Ikea table and one uncomfortable chair.  There are milk stains on the carpet and on the couch.  The walls are manilla.  It is awkwarly located near several cubes with no walls in which only men sit so they see me go in and out and of course they always look up when the door opens.  This aside, I have been pretty successful with pumping so far, although I know it is early.  Yesterday I got 8 oz, 6 oz, and 5 oz.  B is taking 3 bottles of 5 oz each when I am gone, so I am making more than he needs right now.  I am super thrilled about this.  I also have several hundred ounces saved up in the freezer for emergencies. 

On the topic of sleep, B has been regressing from his solid 5-6 hours straight, back to 2-3 hours at a time.  This totally sucks for me when I am going to bed at 11 PM and getting up at 4:30 AM.  It sucks even more because I am getting up at 1 AM and 3 AM to feed him because he is Houdini and can break out of any swaddle including the SwaddleMe and the Miracle Blanket.  He has also gone from going to sleep fairly easily around 7:30-8 PM to going to sleep but then waking up every 40 minutes and fussing until my husband or I soothe him back to dreamland.  We are going to try to move him from his co-sleeper in our room to his nursery this weekend.  I think we are also going to try to wean him off the swaddle again because he just busts out of it anyways. 

I was in a good groove with working out up until this week.  I signed up for my marathon and was running at least 3 days a week, with a long run on Saturdays (last weekend I ran 10 miles!).  This week I have not run at all.  Partially because I am exhausted.  Partially because I get home from work around 5 PM and then have to take care of B and try to put something on the table for dinner.  Partially because I want to spend time with my little boy because I don't see him from 6 AM until 5 PM.  Basically, I don't have any time to run.  I am not sure how I am going to run this marathon on a little over 100 days.  Also, my husband has not gone to x-fit this week, which is unheard of.  Last night at dinner we decided to work out a schedule that will start next week and will allow us to run.  I get Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays.  He gets Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.  If this works out then we will see about adding days.  I am going to bring out the BOB stroller this weekend to see if B could handle some light jogging in it.  I know that it says over 6 months, but he has had very good head control since birth and is extremely strong.  He can sit up in his Bumbo with no issue, so I am thinking some towels for support and a flat surface to run on and we may be cooking with gas. 

I feel like I am holding things together right now, but not tightly.  Things could become derailed fairly fast and fairly easily.  I hope things normalize soon.  I am not a "just holding it together" type of person, if you haven't noticed.  Haha.  I want to be in control of my life 99.99% of the time.  10% doesn't cut it! 

Time to go spend some quality time in the lactation dungeon with my pump and 1/2 caf coffee.  Yes, I am back on the caffeine.  At least partially.  :)      

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As you can see, my blogging has gotten pretty sparse lately.  I knew having a baby would make me have less time for things like writing, but I think I grossly underestimated how much less time I would have.  When I do have a free minute I tend to do things like throw laundry in, do the dishes, make the bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, call my grandma to thank her for my birthday present 2 weeks late...

The crazy thing is that I have a ton of stuff to write about.  I am going to try to make a better effort to write out all of these posts that I am thinking of writing, but for now I am just going to give an update since I have exactly 1/2 hour before I have to feed baby B and go to bed.

Baby B
I can't believe that he will be 6 weeks old on Thursday.  He is awesome and amazing.  Cute and snuggly.  He smells so good.  He is a great eater, but spits up quite a bit and is pretty gassy.  He is very strong and can lift his head and move it around with almost no support.  He is also extremely fussy!  He loves to be held all of his waking hours.  I went out and bought some gripe water to help with his fussiness.  I am still not sure if it is helping or not, but he does seem a little happier.  He also likes the stroller, taking rides in the car, and being toted in the M.oby wrap.  He is growing like a weed.  At his 1 month appointment he weighed 11.1 lbs (up from 9.5 lbs, 2 weeks earlier) and he is now 22 inches.  He is only sleeping about 3 hours (at the most) consecutively at night.  Needless to say, mommy is pretty tired.  He likes a pacifier sometimes, but tends to spit it out after a few minutes.  His fav paci so far has been the S.oothie, but we introduced the N.uk and it seems to stay in his mouth better.  He loves having a bath!  He also loves being swaddled in the S.waddle M.e wrap, which I would STRONGLY recommend.  It makes swaddling in the middle of the night so much easier.  He likes newborn music class!  He will laugh and smile if you catch him in a good mood and squeak his soft rattle.  Seeing his smile makes all of the shit that I went through over the past years worth every last sucky minute.

Breastfeeding
Still going...!  Things have gotten much easier.  B is definitely getting enough to eat as he has gained quite a bit (78 percentile).  My only real issues, which are opposite of the issues I though I would have...oversupply and overactive letdown.  When B goes to latch I literally make him choke with my fire-hose of a letdown.  Sometimes I pump a little off first, but I can't do that in the middle of the night.  Last night I tried hand expressing some milk before feeding him in the middle of the night and I can shoot a stream of milk several feet in front of me.  The lactation consultant that I saw last Friday told me to lay off the oatmeal and M.other's M.ilk tea.  Oh and the lactation cookies that I made were unnecessary, I guess.  I have started pumping at least once a day to save up for when I go back to work.  It is hard to find time to pump since B is very demanding, but I want to start introducing a bottle to him at 6 weeks.  I don't anticipate an issue, but I guess I have been wrong about everything so far.  We'll see.

Thyroid/Diabetes
I had an appointment at the Endocrinologist last Tuesday and they checked my TSH and A1C.  My TSH was only 1.01, so I am thinking that she will tell me that I can discontinue my 25 mcg of levothyroxine.    My A1C was 4.8, which was pretty good and equals an average glucose level of around 94.  I still have my 2 hour GTT in a week and a half so I am hoping that turns out ok.  I am still pretty conscious of my diet and I eat way less carbs that I did before.  I have cut out pasta and bread almost completely.  That said, I have been eating cereal and having treats here and there.  I was good for so long, I think I deserve some indulgence.

Postpartum Recovery
Physically, I feel so much better now than I did a few weeks ago.  I still have about 10 lbs to lose, but I have heard that you need to keep on some weight to be an efficient milk producer, so I am ok with that.  I don't think I look overweight so I am fine with it.  What I am NOT ok with is my stomach.  It is completely wrecked.  I have serious stretch marks and my belly button is gross.  I could write a whole post about this, and probably will at some point.  I have diastasis recti.  From my unscientific diagnosis, I have about a 4-5 finger separation of my ab muscles. I went from 6-pack abs to a sagging pouch of a stomach with a huge indentation in the middle.  It has caused me quite a but of depression.  I hate looking in the mirror, it makes me so upset.  I did some research online and asked friends for recommendations and I found a physical therapy program that rehabs women with this condition.  I am going for my first appointment in a week and a half.  I can't wait.  My scar looks great though.  It is almost invisible to me.  I don't mind it at all.  I have no traces of the PUPPPs rash...thank goodness.  I have been walking with B and my dog.  My bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago and now it is just annoying (TMI) yellow discharge.  Enough for liners 24/7.  I will be so glad when I can stop wearing a liner!  I have been through my entire pregnancy, too!  My doctor prescribed me the mini-pill, but I have not started taking it yet.  I really don't want to take it, but I also don't want to get pregnant any time soon.  Knowing my luck, I would get pregnant with a take home baby if we had sex.  Speaking of sex, we still have not undertaken that activity yet.  I am waiting until my 6 week pp doctors visit before we do it, just to be safe.  I am mentally looking forward to it, but not physically.  I am worried that I'll be in pain.

Other Stuff
I officially signed up for the NYC Marathon.  Yes, I am nuts.  My husband got me a personal running coach and class for my birthday, along with a new pair of sneaks!  I am waiting for my 6 week pp appointment to get the go ahead, but I am not sure they will even let me start running yet and I am not sure I want to run yet.  I feel like my organs might migrate out through the whole in my abs.  Gross.

The dog has been great with the baby.  He is protective and watches B when I leave him in his swing and have to run upstairs.  He likes to lick his head, which we don't let him do often, but occasionally.  :)  The cats have been a huge pain in the ass, though.  They have already scratched up his lovely glider and love to climb in his crib and pack and play with any opportunity that they get.  We have to keep the doors closed, which sucks.  I hope they get better, but I have a feeling this is just cats being cats.

Lastly, I got my medical bill from my 6 days stay...$55,000.  Wowzers.  Thank goodness I am only responsible for $500 of it.  Can't imagine what would happen if I didn't have insurance.

Alright my grace period has expired.  My boobs are telling me that B is hungry.  He is still asleep so he doesn't know it yet, but he will as soon as I pick him up.  Now I need to catch up on my blog list!  I still read when I am breastfeeding, but do it on my iPad, so it is hard for me to comment.  I am still following along with you ladies though.  :)  I hope you are all doing well!

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I can't believe that little B is already 20 days old.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching him wiggle around on the ultrasound screen.  Time really does fly.  I think that sleep deprivation makes things go even faster, if that is possible.  The days and nights are all blurred into one long never ending  day.  I LOVE the weekends because I have my husband home to help me.

Even though I am only 20 days in, I have already learned a lot.  I know every baby is different, but I'll outline a few of the main things that I have learned already.  It might help some of the new mommies or soon-to-be mommies.  Having different perspectives is always helpful!  These are my experiences and may not be what you will experience so please keep that in mind!

1.  Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that you will experience.  All of those silly people who told me to "rest up" and "bank my sleep" seriously had no clue what they were talking about.  You can't stockpile sleep and if you could, being huge and pregnant doesn't lend well to sleeping anyways.  Once the baby is born, you can say goodbye to more than 3 hour stretches of sleep at a time, at least for the first few weeks.  Napping during the day doesn't really help, in my experience.  I wake up groggy and confused.  During B's first few days, I had to wake him up to feed him so he could regain back to his birth weight.  Once I stopped setting my alarm every 2 1/2 hours, he started waking me up every 2 hours on his own, go figure.  It is actually quite amazing that one can function with 3 total hours of broken sleep a night.

2.  Hormones are a BITCH.  I can go from so happy and grateful to angry and upset in 10 seconds.  I wake up at night drenched in sweat.  I have a very short fuse.  My hair is falling out, but not as bad as it did after my first miscarriage.  My beautiful pregnancy skin (yes, this was one area where I was lucky) has given way to a greasy broken out mess.  I look at B and I cry sometimes because he is so perfect and I feel like I don't deserve him.  I feel like I am not nearly as good of a mother as my mother was.  I never heard her complain about getting up in the middle of the night with any of my brothers or sisters.  I never heard to cry over sleep deprivation and when a baby would not stop crying.  My mother was a saint.  God bless her.

3.  Nursing is hard and good nursing friendly clothing is hard to come by, apparently.  During the first few days of nursing, when my milk came in, I was in a tremendous amount of pain.  My boobs felt like painful rocks.  I even ran a slight temperature.  I called my mom crying and she told me it was all normal and that it would pass in a day or two.  She was right.  Then came the sore nipples and scabs.  Yes, sounds gross, but this is what happened to me.  My nipples felt like they were going to fall off so I alternated feedings with the nipple shield.  Yes, it was a pain in the ass to clean and make it stay on, but it helped when I felt like throwing in the towel.  The scabs caused some clogged ducts, which felt like huge painful lumps.  Massaging and hovering over the baby to feed for a few sessions helped with this.  Rock hard boobs, calloused nipples, and clogged ducts gave way to a crazy milk supply.  I was worried about not producing enough when, in fact, I have a great supply.  I even have an overactive letdown which sometimes causes little B to choke because the milk comes spraying out!  This brings me to nursing clothes.  I bought a few nursing tanks at T.arget that I love and then a few more online.  Regular shirts are just useless right now, even if you have a good nursing bra (I recommend the B.ravado seamless bra).  I ordered a few more from T.arget the other day and they cancelled my order saying they are no longer in stock even though when I look online it says that have them.  I would recommend nursing tanks for wearing to sleep and around the house.  Buy a bunch because you'll find that you need to change 2-3 times a day for various reasons (baby spit, milk dripping, explosive poops, etc.).

4.  C-section recovery sucks.  I still am angry and feel cheated.  Please don't judge me.  I know I should just be happy I have my baby, but every time I think about my awful birth experience, I cry.  My husband keeps telling me to get over it and he is right.  I need to move on.  I think I might need to go back to see my therapist.  Similarly to how I was when I was having trouble staying pregnant, I am jealous of other people's seemingly perfect birth experiences and easy recoveries.  I know that this probably is not normal.  Physically, my incision is healing well, but all of my past rub right at that spot.  I haven't found any that are comfortable.  I also still look pregnant.  This is the most bothersome to me.  I have lost 35 lbs, but yet I still have this swollen belly that is covered in stretch marks.  I have no idea if this is normal and if it will go away.  I can't lift more than 15 lbs. so that really restricts what I can do and where I can go.  I just want to feel normal, look normal, and enjoy my baby without all of the restrictions.

5.  You'll never love anything as much as you love your baby.  This one is so very true.  My friends did warn me about this and I wasn't sure I believed them, but now I know that they were right.  No matter how much they fuss or cry or spit up or pee/poop all over you the love that you feel for them is so unconditional and immense.  I look at him and I cry because I love him so much.  It is so amazing to me how much you can love such a tiny little human so much.  He really makes everything else that sucks so bad, worth it.  I would go through all this crap 100 times over if I had to do it to get him.                  

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Last night was my first baby related class, "Breastfeeding 101".  I went by myself because my husband didn't think he would really be needed (or benefit) and wanted to go to, where else, but C.rossfit.  I didn't complain because he has been really helpful with the house this past weekend and in general.  He has been in full-on nesting mode, which I think is so awesome.  Fixing small things here and there.  He even lined up someone to come and take a look at our unfinished house projects.  Yay!

The breastfeeding class was held at a local hospital (not my hospital) and had 2 couples and then 3 other ladies attending solo (including me).  Before we started the class we all gave our names, due dates, and the sex of the baby (if known).  There were 2 girls that were farther along than me and 2 girls that were about a month behind me.  One girl was expecting twin boys!

The class instructor was a delivery room nurse at the hospital who was also a lactation consultant.  She had two babies of her own and had breastfed them both.  She was really nice and had good speaking skills so it made the class pretty interesting.

I learned quite a bit, although I am sure that it will just take practice to figure everything out.  I had no idea that there were "different types" of milk.  I figured it was all the same, but I learned that it is quite the opposite.  We learned different types of holds and how to get a proper latch.  We practiced the different holds with some dolls.  I think I have them down pretty well.  :)

During one of our breaks, I started chatting with the girl next to me who I found out was delivering at the same hospital that I will be delivering at.  As we continued talking, we found that we had a lot more in common.  She also had 3 miscarriages in a row before getting pregnant with her baby.  She also had GD and was struggling with  the same things that I was, even though she had been on bed rest for bleeding and then developed clots in her legs (poor thing!).  She also goes to the same MFM practice that I do and we both have appointments next Wednesday!  I figured that everyone in the room had a charmed pregnancy, but it was so nice talking to this girl who totally understood where I was coming from.

Overall, I am scared to death of breastfeeding.  The WHO recommends 2 years.  The APA recommends 1 year.  I have to go back to work after 12 weeks so I am hoping that pumping goes ok, but what if it doesn't?    Will I be able to pump at work every 3 or so hours for even 1 year?  What if I have meetings?  What if I don't produce enough?  I actually have nightmares about this all the time (my baby is crying and hungry and there is just nothing coming out).  I know that now is the time for breasts to be leaking, but mine have not leaked for many, many weeks.  Does this mean I am doomed?  Maybe I am over-thinking it all.  I have friends who breastfed with no issues and others that struggled.  I guess only time will tell if I have issues.  My mom didn't have any.  Hopefully that works in my favor.

In other news, this past Sunday was my proxy-shower in my hometown.  My Mom, little Sister, and Grandmother planned and held it for me at my Mom's house.  I was able to S.kype with everyone that was there (and there were over 30 people!).  I answered lots of questions and showed people my basketball bump.  It was so nice that people showed up even though I wasn't there.

This weekend is my 3rd baby shower (I feel very spoiled).  Two of my sisters are throwing it for me near my house.  My Mom, little Sister, little Brother, and Grandmother are all driving up, too.  They are bringing all of the presents from the other shower.  This 3rd shower will be my local friends and and some family.  I am so excited to see everyone this weekend!

I can't believe that I am 31 1/2 weeks.  I'll try to post a pic over on my other page this weekend.  The first few months seemed to drag on so slow, but lately it seems like time is flying.  I hope that I can get everything done before he gets here.  :)

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