Archive for January 2013

Some seriously bad karma

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I am not sure what I have done lately to throw my karma so far off track, but it seems like every day I am screwing something else up and someone new is mad at me.  I always pictured pregnancy as a happy and cheerful time, but lately it has been anything but that.  Now I feel like I am always apologizing for screwing up and I forget stuff all the time.  I am the kind of person who does not need a list.  I remember EVERYTHING in my head.  I think that being responsible and conscientious and two of my good qualities.   I always pay bills on time, I remember birthdays, I email people back quickly, to name a few things.  Lately, I have forgotten to pay the electric bill twice, forgot to call my little brother on his birthday, and offended a friend-of-a-friend by not emailing her back when she took the time to offer me great advice.  So here we go again...

Several months back I got curious and I started creating the shell of a baby registry one night.  I started entering in the basic information including the due date and the sex of the baby.  There was a space for "grandparents".  I started entering with my Mom and step father first and then my MIL and her husband because I knew both of their addresses.  My Dad is deceased and I didn't have my FIL's address because they move very frequently, so I decided that I would go back and enter that later.  While I was in the registry that night, I wanted to check out a jogging stroller that my friend suggested I get, the B.OB R.evolution.  I found one I liked and added it because I didn't want to forget the kind.  At that time, the brands of baby items that are available was not as familiar to me.  Anyways, that is all I did that night.  I expected to go back later on and finish it.  Not many people even knew I was pregnant at that point so I kind of forgot about it.

Many weeks after that, a few nights before I was set to go register with my friend, I attempted to go back into the registry to update it.  Something happened with that account and I could not log in no matter what I tried.  It said my email address did not exist so I couldn't even have them email me my password.  No biggie, I thought.  I'll just have B.abies R U.s either make it usable or delete it and start a new one.

On the day I registered, I explained to the sales rep what I had done and she tried to get into the account and could not.  She told me that she could not even delete it and to create a new one and just tell people not not use the old one that would still show up.  I didn't really think anything of it.  I assumed it would be obvious that the registry with one item was a mistake and that people would move to the other one.

This morning started out great.  My fasting BS was 87, my 1 hour after breakfast was 100.  I took my dog for a walk around the block while my husband took out the trash.  He was giving me a ride to work so I had a little more time.  When I got back, I could sense something was wrong because he ignored me when I talked to him.  I asked him what the problem was and he slammed down his cell phone in front of me.  On the screen was a message from my FIL's wife (who my husband does not like, AT ALL).  Saying that she got the shower invitation from my sister (my husband did not want to invite her at all, I said we should and had my sister's send her one) and when they went to look at the registry, they saw that my FIL was not listed as a grandparent.  She said that my FIL was really upset by this and cried because he didn't understand why we left him out and he didn't think that we loved him as much as our other parents.

Knowing that it was all a misunderstanding, I calmly explained the situation to my husband.  Not sure why, but he didn't seem to believe me.  He said he was really upset by the situation.  This is when I snapped.  I pretty much flew off the handle, asking yelling how he could question me in a situation like this and think that I might have done this on purpose.  He said that rather than feeling bad about it, I felt wronged and that I should call his Dad and apologize.  I asked if he could call and explain to his Dad since I don't have a close relationship with him.  He didn't think this was a good idea.  The hits and low blows at me just kept on coming and I really couldn't take them.  We screamed at each other all the way to work until I started crying.  I'm not sure why I even bother with eye-makeup anymore since I seem to be crying it all off lately.  Then we both were silent.  When we got into the city and parked.  We both silently walked into the coffee shop, I bought us both coffee, then he left without saying anything.

Obviously, I feel terrible about this.  Thinking about my FIL being upset over this makes me feel awful.  It was a complete misunderstanding, complicated by the fact that sometimes technology gets fucked up (and fucks things up).  I had, and still have, no control over this situation.  I feel like my husband should be more on my side rather than quasi-accusing me of being spiteful.  As soon as I got to work, I called and left a voice-mail for his step-mother.  I briefly explained the situation, apologized (even though I didn't do anything), and asked that if she call me back if she wanted to chat.

Well, she called me back.  We chatted.  She rehashed the text message, making me feel guiltier, and explained again why my FIL was so upset.  I obviously understood why he might be upset if he didn't understand the entire situation.  I re-explained the what happened to her and I think she finally got it.  I apologized again and then she handed the phone to my FIL and I apologized to him, too.  I sensed that my 70 year old FIL might not have completely understood or believed me, but then again I rarely talk to him on the phone, so I may have been reading into it.  This ridiculous baby registry fiasco has already consumed my entire morning.

So now the most tension is between my husband and I.  No emails or phone calls from him.  Our baby-moon starts tomorrow and right now we hate each other.  Lots of people are telling me to stop stressing and to take it easy, but how can I when stuff like this keeps happening and I am left holding the bag each time?  Failure of any type is not something I handle well (if you haven't already noticed).

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My body hates me right now

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Even though I saw my therapist on Tuesday, I am still stuck in this awful rut.  Tuesday, as it turned out, was a great day for me.  I worked from home, I ate perfectly 3 hours spaced apart, I didn't test (at the allowance of the Endocrinologist), and I walked for 40 minutes on the treadmill.  This might have been why my session with the therapist didn't include any crying or breaking down.  I was feeling great.

Yesterday was a different story.  My fasting and 1 hour post-breakfast numbers were ok/good, 90 & 98 respectively.  I think I at least have the breakfast thing down.  Two links of organic turkey sausage, two pieces of low-carb whole grain bread, toasted, with all natural chunky peanut butter, and a cup of N.ewman's Own Organic Special Decaf coffee.  It is satisfying and easy.

Lunch was a different story.  We had baked a pork tenderloin the night before with ratatouille (roasted eggplant, onion, summer squash, and green/red peppers) and baked/chopped sweet potatoes so I brought that for lunch.  I had carefully measured out portions and counted the carbs.  An hour after eating that for lunch my number was 147, when it should be under 140 and ideally under 120.  Damn you sweet potatoes.  Guess that is another healthy food I just can't have for the next few months.  After this setback, my mood started to decline.

I didn't get to the gym yesterday and because it was only about 10 degrees Fahrenheit, I barely walked at all.  I don't think this helped me out.  Work was also stressful.  My boss kept calling over to me every half hour to whine and complain about the system I just delivered her.  Can you say...driving me crazy?!  Every time I would hear her say my name, I think my blood pressure would go up.

Last night I didn't feel like cooking, plus we didn't really have anything to cook, so I suggested Chinese/Japanese.  There is a place by us that we go to that has "diet" selections that I like.  Grilled chicken with mixed veggies and brown rice works for my carb/protein ratio.  I had that a few weeks back and tested fine afterwards.  My husband wasn't in the mood, but he obliged me nonetheless.  I called and ordered.  The person taking my order had extremely broken English.  This worried me.

My husband went to pick up the food and as we sat down to eat, I realized that they gave me the wrong food.  They gave me the chicken with mixed veggies in some unidentified type of sweet white sauce.  It looked (and tasted) totally gross.  This threw me into a tailspin and of course brought on the waterworks.  Frustration, anger, annoyance, was all coming together at once and was once again, too much for me and my pregnancy hormones to handle.  I completely lost it.  I went to the freezer where I found a bag of frozen shrimp stir fry.  I angrily measured out my small one and a half cup portion and threw it in the pan.  I was seriously ready to smash something.

I ate that with a half cup of brown rice.  It was well under my carb limit of 45g (I think it was around 35g).  Unfortunately my fucked up body decided to throw another one at me and give me a 145, 1 hour after dinner, which was my worst post dinner reading by far.  Normally that is my lowest of the day.  I guess I didn't have enough protein?  I don't know. It was just too much.  I was still hungry and tired and I didn't want to wait up another hour and a half for my number to go down so that I could have a snack.  I said fuck it and I just went to bed.  It was just too much for me to handle.

As I laid in bed last night I felt the baby moving around and kicking.  It makes me sad because I am not enjoying pregnancy like I thought I would.  I cried myself to sleep.

I am worried about going out of town this weekend to MIL's and next week my husband and I are supposed to go on a mini-babymoon to see our favorite band play.  We are staying in a hotel for 3 nights.  How am I going to be able to eat what I need to eat on a schedule?  Rather than being excited for the babymoon, like I was a few weeks back, it is stressing me out.  I don't even want to go anymore.

I have been having some thoughts lately about my miscarriages and have been tying them back to this whole situation.  Was the fact that my body was aborting pregnancies on its own trying to send me the message that my body never wanted to be or should have gotten pregnant?  Did I force my body to do something that it didn't think it was capable of handling by taking meds to sustain a pregnancy?  Did I mess myself up for good?

I am not quite sure what to do at this point.  I think I am going to call my MFM doctor today and have them put me on meds.  I really hate taking anything else, but I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I am hurting the baby more by letting my body go uncontrolled like this or if the medicine will hurt him.  I feel like either way, I lose and so does my baby.

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A trip to the Endocrinologist

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Normally, I am not excited to go to a doctor appointment.  Yesterday, I was excited to see my Endocrinologist to discuss my borderline 3 hour GTT and my difficulty controlling my fasting numbers.  When I called last week, I was shocked that they were able to get me in so fast and it worked out perfectly because I also had the day off work.

When I got to the office, I didn't really need to wait at all, which was nice.  As soon as I went in I got my A1C tested.  They also checked my weight, which was 140, so I am up 21 total and only up 1 lb in the last 3 weeks.  Thank you low carb diet.  My blood pressure and pulse were both normal.

The doctor came in and told me that my A1C was great at 4.8.  She said this means that the diet it working.  She looked at my sheet with all of my numbers on it and she was happy with most of them.  I told her that I was concerned about my fasting numbers.  She told me that, while she would like to see them below 90 that they were not that bad and that my 1 hour post meals were so good.  The one suggestion she made was possibly putting me on Metformin if I felt like it was getting to hard to control (or insulin shots at night if my MFM doctor thought that was safer).  She told me to talk to my MFM doctor first and have them call her to discuss, if necessary.  She mentioned Glyburide, but said that she doesn't like that drug because she doesn't think it works well.

She also told me to stop being so hard on myself.  She said I was doing everything right and that because my 1 hour post meals were so good, that I didn't need to test every day.  She suggested every-other-day (or randomly 1 hour after meals) and maybe continue checking the fasting daily.  I am totally fine with that.  My freaking fingers hurt.

While I was there they also had me test my TSH (1.16) and FT4 (0.7), which were both normal.  She asked me to stay on the same dosage of Levo.  They will test me again around 37 weeks.

I feel better after going to see her.  She made me feel a lot better and told me that the chances were high that I would go back to normal once the pregnancy was over.

Overall, I think I am doing better.  I have a therapy appointment today, which I am looking forward to.  We got most of our nursery furniture delivered yesterday, minus the armoire, which got crushed during the delivery.  It looks great.  I can't wait to get the room completed and show you all what it looks like.  We are also looking to trade in my 8 1/2 year old car in for a family car.  We are thinking Outback, Venza, or maybe CRV.  We test drove an Outback last weekend and I loved it!  Heated seats, Sirius Radio, navigation, much nicer than my car.  Having a car payment will suck, but with a dog and a baby, I will need the space!

I still have breakdowns every now and again and I think my hormones are just going nuts.  I am trying to be less hard on myself.  I strive for perfection and when I can't get perfection, I tend to freak out.  My husband is better at dealing with those types of setbacks than I am.  I guess that is why we are good for each other. :)  28 1/2 weeks!  I can do this!!

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A better day

Friday, January 18, 2013

Today has been a much better day than yesterday was.  Last night after work I did have another breakdown.  I'll get to what brought this on in a minute (yesterday basically sucked, big time).  Luckily I have some really awesome and amazing friends.  I went over to one of my friend's houses last night and when I got there I was crying.  When I left, I was laughing.  I am so lucky to have the support that I have so close to me.  :)

Last night I did an experiment.  I woke up at 12:30 PM and had a snack of 1 graham cracker w/ a heap of peanut butter, sprinkled with cinnamon.  This morning my blood sugar reading was 89 (barely under 90, but I made it!!).  I had breakfast and cut out the raspberries.  I had a little more peanut butter.  My 1 hour reading was 107 and I had minimal issue getting blood out of my finger (yesterday it was 131, should be under 140).  Baby steps, I guess.

I have an appointment scheduled with my Endo for Monday.  I am probably being overly cautious, but I do not want to do anything that might put this poor babe in harm's way.

A few other non-related to GD topics:

Baby Shower
The reason why I was so upset last night has to do with one of my 4 showers (yes, I had 4 wedding showers and now I am having 4 baby showers, too).  The shower is being thrown by MIL/SIL, which is very nice of them, don't get me wrong.  A few months back, my husband contacted them because he was concerned that there wasn't going to be a shower.  Period.  MIL said she would plan something with their side of the family, where she lives (several hours away), but stated that she had plenty of time to work out the details.  I knew nothing about this.  A few weeks ago my sisters let me know that they were scheduling one for me, near my house.  My mom also told me that she was having a proxy shower for me in my hometown that I obviously will not be attending.

Originally, the MIL/SIL shower was going to be the second week of Feb., so I booked to have maternity photos taken at the same time at MIL's house.  Then they changed it to 1/26, then to 1/27, then back to 1/26, so I have to cancel the photo shoot.  They sent out virtual invites and FB invites last week.  Call me old fashioned, but that made me upset.  Like they didn't have the time or desire to make real ones.  They invited some of my friends that live near me, this week.  They invited friends that were already invited to other shower, which was confusing to my friends and they felt bad for not being able to attend since they had not yet received the other paper invite from my sisters.  They didn't invite other MIL (husband's step mother).  After sending out the virtual invites they changed the date.  They haven't asked for my input on food so I probably won't be able to eat anything.  Yesterday SIL informed me that only 6 people can make it to that shower (not including MIL/SIL) and she was wondering if I wanted to just cancel it.  None of my FIL's side can make it apparently.  How depressing.  I am not even sure what to do about this situation.  I don't want to go anymore.  I am not sure why they even offered to throw a shower if they were not really interested in putting thought into it.  Ugh.

Another Pregnancy Announcement
Those of you that have been following my blog for a while might remember me mentioning a girl at work who really upset me when she commented on my "size" after my first miscarriage.  Basically she asked me if I was pregnant in front of other co-workers after I had already told her, behind closed doors when she asked, that I was not.  I was humiliated by that.  She has since apologized and I have moved on.  She has become a friend actually and was very supportive earlier on in my pregnancy, surprisingly.

Over the past few months we have talked about her and her lack of a desire to get pregnant, but her husband having the opposite desire.  She talked about her reasons for not wanting kids, none of which I could ever relate to.  They have money.  She is my age, but still likes to party and go out regularly.  She used to smoke.  She doesn't eat that healthy and exercises sporadically, but she is really thin and pretty.

I found out today from another co-worker that sits by her that she is pregnant.  13 weeks or so.  She hasn't mentioned it to me.  I was supposed to have lunch with her today, where I assumed she would tell me, but she cancelled at the last minute saying she had to meet with a Realtor.

Hearing news of the pregnancy made me insanely jealous.  She hadn't been trying for long at all, based on our earlier discussions.  She didn't even want to get pregnant and didn't really know how she felt about being a mom and losing her "freedom".

I'll end this with the email trail that husband and I shared this morning regarding this discovery...

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 8:48 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right…over 12 weeks preggo…  is it bad that it kind of stings?

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:54 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t understand this comment, right about what?  What stings?

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:58 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right that she is pregnant.  Just that it was so easy for her and she didn’t really want it that bad to begin with.  Also because she isn’t the healthiest.  I dunno.  It is irrational.  This is why I see a therapist.

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:05 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t think it’s irrational at all.  It’s not a feeling you want to dwell on or think about too much, but it’s not irrational.  Just be happy with where we’re at.  I’d rather have gone through what we have gone through and have a baby who is going to be adored than to be on the fence about it and then be stuck with a baby like it or not.  Very soon we will have a beautiful little baby boy and nothing else in the world will matter.

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
This is one of the many reasons why I love you. :-)

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I love you too, sooo much. :-)

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Frustration :(

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Today was one of those mornings that I would like to request a do-over or wish that I would have stayed in bed to avoid completely.  I'll give a little background first before I start, yet another, depressing post.

I got my test results back from my 3 hour GTT yesterday.  The results were rather inconclusive.  The nurse who wrote the letter stated that, in their MFM practice, one failed test is borderline and not a flat out GD diagnosis.  She said that I barely passed the second screen (and my 3 hour was just weird) so that I should think about self-testing.

Details of other blood chemistry tests as follows: 
GTT - 1 Hr Glucose: 218 (Normal Range = 54 to 179): Out of Range
GTT - 2 Hr Glucose: 152 (Normal Range = 54 to 154)
GTT - 3 Hr Glucose: 61 (Normal Range = 70 to 139)
GTT - Fasting Glucose: 87 (Normal Range = 54 to 94)

To me, these results are an utter failure.  I clearly have an issue because normal pregnant women's bodies can process all of that sugar in an hour and get to acceptable levels.  Mine cannot.  I also know that I have an issue because my self testing has shown me that I have an issue, especially with fasting.

I called the nurse back immediately and told her that I had already started monitoring myself at home and I asked her for a prescription for the test strips and lancets.  She liked that I was being proactive and happily put in a prescription.  Too bad I told her the wrong monitor.  I called her back later to have her switch to the correct one which she said would be an issue.

Last night after work I decided to go to the gym then the to pick up the prescription.  The gym was miserable.  I felt like crap the entire time I was walking.  My stomach felt heavy and gassy and I was having shooting pains down my right side.  I only walked for a painful 40 minutes when I wanted to try for an hour.  I was pissed.

Afterwards I went to C.VS.  The girl at the counter wasn't especially nice.  I told her my last name and spelled it 3 times before she got it right.  She brought over the prescription, I signed for it, and paid for it.  Then I noticed it was for the incorrect strips.  I told her this and she said I'd have to go wait in line at consulting.  Of course there was a line of 3 people.

The pharmacist was really nice and said that the nurse hadn't put in the prescription for the other brand, but that she would do an override and sort everything out.  She mentioned it would take 20 minutes.  Awesome.  Meanwhile I could feel other people looking at me and judging me and I felt terrible about myself. Just awful.  Like a complete failure.  People probably see me buying this stuff and think that all I eat is sugar and that I don't care about my baby.

I didn't get home until late.  Luckily my husband did not workout last night so he had made an awesome diabetic-friendly meal.  Organic boneless-skinless chicken stuffed with pesto and wrapped with prosciutto, plus sauteed kale and garbanzo beans.  It was delish.

I tested an hour after dinner and my number 1 hour after dinner was good, 107 (should be under 140).  I then had what the nutritionist had suggested, a 1/2 cup of full fat vanilla ice cream with 1/4 cup crushed almonds on top right before I hit the hay.  It was awesome.  I figured this would help my number this morning...WRONG.

I woke up this morning and did my usual hair/makeup and then attempted to test.  Of course my fingers just would not bleed.  I went through 3 lancets before I finally got some blood out of my pinky finger.  My number was 97.  It is supposed to be under 90.  This immediately threw me into a bad mood.  WTF?!  I am doing EVERYTHING right and I still can't get this under control.  I am at a complete loss.  I don't know what to do now.  I am now planning my life around meals and testing.

I got ready for work in a huff, throwing things around and being short with my furbabies and husband.  I had to hustle to eat breakfast and get my lunch ready because I had to test (literally) on my way out the door to catch the train.  I scarfed breakfast then made my lunch then got my last minute things together so that I could test an hour after my first bite.  I am sure this was not a good idea, but I don't know what else to do other than eat as soon as I get up at 4:30 AM.  I tried pricking one of my fingers, no luck.  I tried again, no luck.  Then I tried a third time and must have hit something bad because I got a shooting pain up my finger and now it was throbbing.  NO FUCKING BLOOD.  I am using the deepest setting, mind you.  Seeing that clock tick away and the fact that I was going to miss the train made me even more frantic and I started crying.  Like hysterically.  My husband didn't know what to do other than tell me to calm down which only made me more upset.  My eye make-up was streaming down my face.  I tried one last attempt and finally got enough blood for a test.  My number was acceptable at 131.  My face was a mess.  

I called my endocrinologist (I see her for my thyroid and I love her) this morning to see if she could give me some advice or maybe get me an appointment before my next one in February.  She is out sick with the flu, but a nurse is going to call me back in the mean time.  

I should be used to this by now, right?  Things not going my way no matter how hard I try to control them.  Shouldn't I have learned from my miscarriages that some things are just out my control?  Why should I ever have thought that pregnancy would be easy when getting pregnant was not?  I guess I still have not come to terms with things.  I am still trying to fight for my belief that when I do things the right way, I'll be rewarded (or at least not punished).  Obviously this is not the case.  I am frustrated beyond belief.  I am seriously doing everything I can and it isn't working.  I am eating healthier than I ever have in my life and exercising even when I feel like shit and it isn't fucking working.  I read about what gestational diabetes can do to a baby and it makes me even more upset.  I don't want to do anything to hurt him or make him sick.  My body is failing me once again and I am, once again, powerless to fix it on my own.

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Drinking the (Glucola) Kool-aid

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

So I am in the waiting room at the hospital.  I decided to do a little timeline of events since so many people have asked what the 3 hour GTT is and how it affects people.  I am going to be the real life guinea pig for anyone that wants or cares to know.  Here goes:

8:20- Got dropped off at the hospital by my husband and had my first blood draw which was for the fasting.  I asked if I would be able to discontinue the test if I failed the fasting portion and they said, no.  They won't know the results until the afternoon so I have to take the whole thing either way.  Awesome news!

My fasting blood draw caused a small hematoma, of course and I bled through a whole gauze so they had to re-do it.  Why can't the tips of my finders bleed like that?!

8:22- I choked down drank the bottle of the Glucola solution in about 4 minutes (did you know that shit has 450 calories??...gross!).  Set up in the waiting room with my laptop and huge bottle of water.  The baby is going nuts right now.  Poor thing is experiencing sugar shock.

9:26- First test blood draw.  They drew from the same arm (left).  Next time the will draw from the right arm.  So far I feel ok.  Mainly tired.  I would love to take a nap, but I would feel weird sleeping in the lobby so I am trying to work instead.  

10:06- Boooooring.  Working isn't really going so great because I am not in the mood.

10:26- Second test draw.  They drew from the right arm this time.  Starting to befriend the ladies in the lab.  Still feeling ok.  No shakiness, or sweating, or upset stomach.  Just tired!

10:30- Met with the nutritionist and her assistant.  They weighed me first.  I was about 138.  So I lost a pound since last week.  I was expecting this with the changed diet and they were ok with that.  She mentioned a weight gain for someone my size and starting weight of 119 would be 25-25.  She thought I was on track to hit that.  

The nutritionist was very nice and very impressed with my knowledge and preparedness.  She wasn't concerned with my numbers, but asked that if I am diagnosed and continue to test regularly that I test 1 hour after meals instead of 2 hours after.  They would like my levels under 90 for fasting and under 140 an hour after meals (if testing 2 hours after, lower than 120).  She was impressed with my 2 hour numbers.  She went over the diet that I already started and was quite happy with it, but wanted to make a few modifications.

She would like to see me take in 2100 calories a day, 40% of that being carbs (210 grams a day).  She wanted to see the carb breakdown in the following manner (in grams):

Breakfast- 30
Snack- 30
Lunch- 45
Snack- 30
(extra snack with exercise, if necessary)
Dinner- 45
Snack- 30   

A few other things she mentioned were making sure to pair protein with any carbs.  She also let me know that if a serving has more than 5 grams of fiber that I can subtract the grams of fiber from the carbs.  She considers the following "free" foods since they have so few carbs: asparagus, beets, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, cauliflower, celery, cucumbers, all greens, mushrooms (yuck), onions, pea pods, peppers, radishes, salad, tomatoes, zucchini, lean meats, low fat cheeses, fish, egg whites (yuck), beans (black, lentil, garbanzo), soy products (yuck), avocados, nuts, peanut butter with no added sugar, oils (olive, canola, corn are preferred).

She said that even if I did not fail the test that she would recommend I stick with this diet.  I was fine with this.  I left the appointment feeling good, but wicked hungry after seeing all of the fake foods.

11:20- Got a call from my husband saying he could pick me up if I was done.  I had been expecting to take the subway/train and was overjoyed that my last draw was in 6 minutes!  Still feeling ok, physically.  Starting to get really hungry though.

11:26- Third and final test draw.  I went for the right arm one last time so I was balanced with 2 on each side.  Both arms are sore now.  :(  So happy to be done!

11:40- Husband picked me up and I ate my snacks: Kind Madagascar Vanilla Nut bar, a few whole organic wheat crackers (similar to T.riscuit), string cheese, clementine, some organic pepperoni slices.  Oh man that was the best thing I ever ate.  I started to feel a little sick after eating it because I ate so fast and then I got really sleepy.

12:30- Got home and decided to take a nap since I decided to take the rest of the day off.  I slept for 3 hours.  Very nice. 

5:00- No call from the hospital, so I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow to get my results.  I am armed and ready to face this failure (not sure my fingers are though)!!!

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By the numbers

Sunday, January 13, 2013

So I might be jumping the gun here (or maybe not), but I went out on Friday afternoon and bought a blood glucose monitor.  When I went to C.VS to purchase this monitor, I had no idea that there was more involved than just the monitor.  I saw the O.netouch Mini on sale for $9.99 and I was sold.  I then realized that you also needed lancets for $12.79 (ouch), control solution for $10.99, and test strips for a whopping $29.49.  Oh and you only get 25 test strips for that amount of money.  The total at C.VS was $64.48 after my $6.50 in "E.xtra B.ucks".  They keep the test strips behind the counter because they are so expensive, small and thus and easy to steal (I feel for the poor diabetic with no insurance coverage that tries to go in and steal test strips only to find that they are locked behind the pharmacy counter).

The pharmacist asked if I was sure I wanted to buy the test strips without a prescription.  I told him that I wasn't diagnosed officially yet and just wanted to get a handle on things in advance.  He started making some jokes and then could tell that I was not really in the mood so he stopped.  Nothing really funny about diabetes, my friend.  Thanks, though.

I took my diabetic goodie bag home and dumped the goods on the table.  I opened the instructions and found them to be the size of a AAA map with tiny writing.  I was way too overwhelmed so I asked my husband if he would learn how to use it and then show me in the AM.  He agreed with no complaints.  Just a hunch, but I think he might feel bad for me.  He is much better with directions to complicated devices than I am.  How do old people figure out how to use these things (and see the instructions)?!

The schedule that I found for testing on most GD websites has been, first thing in the AM and then 1 or 2 hours after each meal.  I decided to adopt this pretty basic plan.  Based off of ADA guidelines the following is true: Fasting blood glucose should be 95 mg/dl or less and one hour after a meal, glucose levels should be 140 mg/dl or less. Two hours after a meal, blood glucose levels should be 120 mg/dl or less.

On Saturday morning I decided to start my experiment, already several days into my new diet.  I decided to test fasting and 2 hours after each meal since I read on one of the forums that this is what most MFM doctors suggest.  The worst part if getting my fingers to bleed enough, especially in the AM.  I sometimes have to prick my finger 4 times to get enough blood.  I have already developed a hematoma under one of my fingers.  Here are my numbers so far:

Fasting- 88 (8 hour fast)
2 hours after breakfast- 107
2 hours after lunch- 100
2 hours after dinner- 86

Fasting- 95 (10 1/2 hour fast)
2 hours after breakfast- 107
2 hours after lunch- 97

The only numbers that are of any concern to me are the fasting numbers, namely my Sunday fast number.  I would say that this definitely points to GD.  95 is the fasting cutoff for GD.  Seems like the longer I go without food, the higher my blood sugar.  I don't understand it all yet, but it definitely concerns me.  Normally, I only fast for about 8 hours, but I wanted to sleep in on Sunday, since I know I am running out of time to do that.  :(

So now I have my meals documented, my blood sugar readings documented, and will take the 3 hour test on Tuesday.  I am sure this will help the nutritionist out.  That said, I am fully prepared to fail the 3 hour test.  Will I still be upset, yes, but at least I can see it coming and won't be blindsided.  This is so much fun

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My new diet

Friday, January 11, 2013

Thanks so much for all of the helpful and supportive comments on my last post.  I will admit that I was still in a state of shock, confusion, denial and depression when I got the call from the nurse.  I cried most of the day.  Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself, which is stupid, I know.  That said, now that I have had a few days to process things and have almost kicked my cold (and slept soooo much better last night because I could breathe through my nose again!), I feel like I am looking at things a little more clearly than I was the other day.  All I care about is that my baby is healthy.  If I have to suffer through a difficult diet then so be it.

I have done quite a bit of research about GD, from reputable sites like ADA, and I have done some not so formal research by asking questions on various pregnancy forums.  Both have proven to be effective in giving me more information about my possible diagnosis.  I talked to a few friends at work that I know have had it and they have also given me lots of valuable info.

In my research, and at the urging of the nurse, I have already changed my healthy diet to a (still healthy but,) low carb/higher protein diet.  The bones of most of the plans are to be very restrictive of carbs and to eat 3 meals, plus 3 snacks a day in the following format:

Breakfast - 15-30 grams carbs
Snack - 15-30 grams carbs
Lunch - 45 grams carbs
Snack - 15-30 grams carbs
Dinner - 45-60 grams carbs
Snack - 45 grams carbs

I am not sure you have ever counted carbs before, but there are carbs in almost everything!  I went to the grocery store last night and was checking carb contents out on frozen meals.  An tiny organic chicken and bean burrito has a whopping 79 grams of carbs!

I started using the app "" to track what I am eating and it has been really eye opening.  If you have not checked out that app, you should!  You can scan your food's bar-code and enter the serving size.  It is so cool.  While I did eat healthy before, I was eating a lot of carbs, I guess.  I heart favorite mouth is watering...

Here is my diet for the last two days.  You can tell I had not yet spoken to the nurse when I ate breakfast in the first chart since my carb count was off the charts!  I also didn't eat the right amount of snacks the first day.  I got better yesterday.  Also note that I don't actually drink SBUX decaf since it has chemicals.  I drink it from a local shop that uses a Swiss water process, but the only thing I could find that was equivalent was SBUX. :)

A few things I notice from my diet are that I actually go over my carbs on a few meals and go under on some.  Can you tell I am the hungriest in the AM?  Sucks that that is the time where your blood sugar will spike if you eat too many carbs and this is all I want when I wake up.  I also eat too much sodium.  I guess this comes with the territory of not being able to eat many fruits and supplementing with cheese and nuts.  I am also not consuming that many calories.  I am not sure if this is ok or not.

A friend at work suggested getting healthy frozen meals to microwave at work instead of salad every day.  It was a great suggestion.  I bought a few from O.rganic B.istro that I like.  They are just under the carb count and contain protein, veggies, and some carbs.  I am having the C.itron C.hicken today!

I also tracked all my walking yesterday with "M.apM.yR.un", another amazing app (including to and from work and walking the dog).  I walked over 3.5 miles just with that regular amount!  I didn't realize how much I walked in one day not including going to the gym!

Obviously, I am going to check in with the nutritionist on Tuesday.  I want to be sure I am eating as healthy as possible for the baby and me.  I think will be good for her to see what I am eating, though.  She will be able to correct me where necessary and give me tips about what to eat and what not to eat.  She may also have different ideas regarding carb counts, although I think the list above is fairly standard.

Not sure if anyone else has advice on a low carb/high protein diet, but I would love more suggestions (keeping in mind that I hate eggs!).  I think the weekend will be much tougher than during the week.  It is easier to follow a schedule when you are on a regular one.  Weekends are a wildcard for me.  I'll keep you posted.

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When it rains it pours

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The past week or so has not been one of the greatest on record for me, so I apologize in advance for this post because it is a rant with lots of whining.  It started with me coming down with shingles (or not...I'll get to that), then me coming down with a horrendous head cold that I can't seem to get rid of, to my last MFM appointment yesterday.

Last Thursday, I had an appointment with my PCP to diagnose the weird rash on my neck that I had since NYE.  She was fairly certain that is was shingles so she put me on A.cyclovir (5 times a day for 10 days) and also on an antibacterial ointment, M.upirocin (3 times a day), in case I had impetigo or another related infection.  She also did a viral and bacterial culture on it to be sure of the diagnosis.

Yesterday morning I got a call from her office telling me that both of my cultures came back negative. The nurse said that the doctor was still fairly confident that it was shingles and I just didn't have a raging case and to continue taking the meds until they run out.  She also said I should continue the ointment, as well.  Lovely.

Now on to the head cold.  This started on Friday.  In the matter of a few minutes I went from feeling fine to feeling like I had to sneeze to being all stuffy.  I went out and bought B.reathe R.ight strips, a humidifier, and V.icks V.apo R.ub.  I know that they say you can take T.ylenol C.old during pregnancy, but I am already on so many other meds that I don't want to take anything else.  I have not slept more than an hour at a time since Thursday night.  I missed work Monday and today.  I feel like total crap.

Next I'll discuss the MFM appointment.  The ultrasound went great.  In fact, they used me and my little boy in a teaching demonstration.  His heart, brain, arms, legs, spine, kidneys all looked great.  He measured in the 63 percentile (~2.5 lbs) with a HB of 155.  Here is a pic of him (scroll to the very bottom).

After the ultrasound I went to the MFM office.  They checked my blood pressure and of course it was high as it usually is in their office, 133/66.  My weight was 139, which was better than I thought.  So I am up 19 lbs.  Then they gave me the orange drink for the 1 hour GTT and I chugged it in under 2 minutes.  Totally gross and more sugar that I have had in quite some time.

I saw the doctor and he was happy with the ultrasound and everything else.  He checked my rash and concurred that it was most likely shingles.  He explained that if it is a low level infection that your body is already fighting successfully that the culture could very easily come back negative.  He told me to continue the meds.  He said he didn't need to see me for another month and that was that.  I then peed in a cup (as per usual) and once the hour was up I got my blood drawn.

This morning I had a message telling me that I (quite miserably) failed my 1 hour GTT and to call and schedule a 3 hour test.  

GTT Screen (GLT): 163 (Normal Range = 54 to 139): OUT OF RANGE

After another night of no sleep and another day of calling in sick to work this was just too much for me to handle.  I called my mom and sobbed to her.  Half the time she couldn't tell what I was saying.  I was embarrassed and upset.  I eat so healthy 99% of the time.  I don't drink soda, ever.  I NEVER eat fast food.  I eat so little processed food and what I do eat that is some what processed is usually organic.  I eat a very high fiber cereal at breakfast.  I eat lots of fruits and veggies and I was of a healthy weight when I got pregnant.  Up until I got sick I have been exercising 4-5 times a week with 2-3 mile walks and some light weight-lifting.

I seriously feel like a failure.  What did I do wrong?  I called the nurse to set up my 3 hour test and they forced me to schedule an appointment with the nutritionist as well.  She told me to stay away from food products where the first ingredient ends is "ose" and simple carbs and to "start eating healthier".  I started crying on the phone with her because I already do that.  My friends make fun of me because I eat so healthy.

I told her that I already eat healthy and exercise and that I haven't gained an obscene amount of weight.  I think she felt bad for me because she could hear how congested and nasally I was.  She told me that she sees 300 lb women pass the test with flying colors and 90 lb vegetarians fail miserably.  She said it doesn't have to do with weight, but how your body handles sugar during pregnancy.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  That didn't really make me feel better.

So now I have to further restrict what I eat.  No more cereal or wheat crackers for me.  Back to the lovely world of constipation.

I have spent my day feeling down and miserable.  This cold is kicking my ass and now I have to worry about diabetes, too.  How is it that some women get pregnant by sneezing, share their wet pee-stick with their 5,000 FB friends, buy nursery furniture before 12 weeks, eat McD.onalds every day, don't exercise, and have completely healthy babies (over and over and over again).  Then others have a hard time getting pregnant and have problem after problem during their pregnancy?  It isn't fair.

Sorry for the vent and kudos to you if you read this whole thing.  I am not feeling great today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Friday, January 4, 2013

I normally don't watch random shows on FOX, but last night after a full day of painting in pain, I decided to relax and watch some TV.  The only thing that was on was this new show called "Mobbed", a Howie Mandel venture.  The premise of the show was to create a flash mob so that one person could relay a major message to someone else.

The first one that I saw (haha, yes I watched it for almost 2 full hours) showed a woman who had been dating a guy for 4 1/2 years was going create a flash mob and deliver an ultimatum to him...marry her right then and there or she was going to leave him forever.  The show was decidedly uncomfortable to watch.  I was really thinking the guy was going to say no for sure, but instead he said yes and they got married right there in the midst of the ridiculous flash mob.  

When the next episode came on, I was ready to change the channel, until I heard what the show was going to be about.  A coupe that had been married for 10 years had been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for 5 of those years.  After going through fertility treatments, the woman was finally 12 weeks pregnant.  She wanted to announce to her husband that she was pregnant in a flash mob kind of way.  

It was at this point that my husband came in and started watching.  He thought it was ridiculous that this woman wanted to use a flash mob to relay such an important message, as did I, but we both got sucked in.

I won't ruin the show in case you want to watch, but I will say that even though I think flash mobs are stupid and annoying, this one wasn't for some reason.  When the nervous woman revealed the secret to her husband, I saw the guy's face light up.  I could feel their happiness and a tear or two tricked down my cheek.  It was so wonderful, flash mob aside.  

At the very end of the program, they showed some clips of the baby being born.  They showed the woman and man with the baby in the hospital.  They then showed a few pictures of the baby when she had grown up a bit.  It was then that the water works started.  It was impossible for me not to cry because I know how hard they worked for that miracle baby, who was super cute by-the-way.  My husband was commenting and looked over and saw me crying and then he started crying and came over and gave me a hug.  We are two of a kind.  I think we just both understand how much they wanted to be parents and could totally relate to their happiness.  I think we are both still in shock that I am 26 weeks pregnant.    

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Painting and another malady

Thursday, January 3, 2013

For the past few days I have finally started working on the nursery.  I put it off for many weeks because I didn't want to start it too early and jinx things and also because I have not really had time.  I have had this week off work so I have had time, finally.

So far I have moved out most of the furniture (with the help of my husband of course), cleaned the room thoroughly, patched the holes in the wall, painted the trim, and painted the ceiling.  The trim is all white.  The walls will be gray.  Before you say...boring... know that the curtains will be yellow, along with a white and yellow patterned rug, and a yellow lamp.  I will have some color in there, I promise!

Tomorrow, I am hoping to start priming and maybe get on one coat of paint, unless daylight shows me that I need another coat of paint on the doors/trim.  I hope I don't need to paint that again!

On to the malady...  On NYE I noticed a small itchy rash on my neck.  When I itched it, it hurt.  I asked my husband to take a look and he said it looked like chaffing.  It was in the spot where my too tight sports bra was hitting so I assumed it chaffed on one of my walks.  I started putting N.eosporin on it and covering it up with a bandaid so that I wouldn't forget and scratch it.

Two days later it wasn't getting any better.  The rash started to form some fluid filled blister looking things in a line/cluster.  It looked totally gross.  Even my husband, who always discourages me from going to the doctor, saying that I am a hypochondriac, encouraged me to call the doctor in the morning.

When I woke up this morning, the rash didn't look any worse, but it had itched all night and now it hurt.  I decided to call the doctor (PCP) and go in for a visit, just in case.

When I got there I found that I was up to 140 lbs. (gulp), but I had heavy sneakers on and I usually measure without.  My vitals were all normal (BP was 110/70!!).  The nurse looked at the rash and made an "eeek" noise.  That didn't sound good.

Then the doctor came in and she asked me some questions about when the "rash" started and what it felt like.  She did some typing on her computer and she came back with a probable diagnosis and a not so likely one.  The probable diagnosis- shingles.  The not so probable one- some variant of a staph infection (impetigo??).  I asked her lots of questions about harm to the baby and she said that at almost 26 weeks, the baby would not be affected, but that I would be in pain.  She was hopeful that it would not spread around to the back of my neck.

She put me on a day day antiviral drug (class B) that I have to take 5 times a day.  She also gave me an antibacterial ointment (also class B) to treat an infection, if it is staph.  She cultured one of the bumps to send to the lab to test for both viral/bacterial infections.  That culture hurt like hell.  She stuck a sterile needle into one of the bumps, multiple times, to get a sample.  OUCH!

I called my OB after the appointment to let them know what is going on.  I discussed the drugs with them and they were ok with them.  I have an appointment on Tuesday.  They told me that if I start to have any cramping/contractions, bleeding, or if the baby isn't moving like normal to call them ASAP.

So yeah that is where I am tonight.  I am 2 pills in and one treatment of the ointment.  The bumps still hurt like hell.  The doctor thinks that the bumps should start to get better in about a week (if it is shingles).  They are in a bad spot, right where my sports bra hits and right where collars on shirts hit so it is hard to move around freely.  The baby seems to be moving like normal, so I am taking that as a good sign.  Keep moving, baby!!  

I am not going to complain too much because it could be always be worse.  I'll suck it up and take the pain and the meds.  This little guy is worth it all.

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