Archive for October 2012

I am extremely honored!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Bree over at Thought Provoking Moments nominated me for the Liebster Award this past weekend.  I am thrilled and honored that she thought my blog was interesting enough to get the award, so Bree, thank you!

The Liebster Blog Award is an award that is given by a blogger to another blogger with less than 200 followers.  Liebster is German for "favorite" so basically it is an award you give to your favorite bloggers.  :)

Here is how it works, Bree nominated me (and several other of her favorite blogs) and created a list of 11 questions for me to answer.  I answer those questions, nominate several of my favorite blogs, and then make up 11 questions for them to answer.

So here goes with Bree's questions!

1.  If there were one word you could choose out of the dictionary,  which one would you choose to best describe yourself?

2.  What’s your biggest pet peeve?
Wasting time.

3.  Throughout your journeys, what would you say is the most important lesson you’ve learned thus far?
You never know what someone else has been through, so never assume anything.

4.  What’s your favorite childhood memory?
Going on family vacations to North Carolina or South Carolina.

5.  What’s your biggest regret?
Being so ignorant about my fertility in my younger years.

6.  If there were anything about your life experiences you could change, what would they be and why?
Well if I could, I would bring my Dad back to life because I miss him every day.

7.  Tell us something quirky about you.
I make up funny songs and sing them to my pets (constantly).

8.  What’s your favorite dish/meal?
Roasted duck with cherries, kale, and pine nuts over homemade papardelle pasta.

9.  Who or what’s been your biggest influence throughout life?
My husband.  He has helped to try to loosen me up a little since I am rather tightly wound most of the time.  :)

10.  Do you have a bucket list? If so, what’s the most ridiculous thing to do on it?
I don't have one, but my husband and I want to live in Amsterdam, Holland and Maui, Hawaii at some point during our lives.

11.  What do you do for a living?
I am an IT analyst for a small finance company.  So exciting!!  My majors were legal studies and sociology...haha.

And now for my nominations (So many of my favorite blogs have been already been nominated so I tried not to duplicate)!  If I nominated you and you have already been nominated then I guess that you are extra-doubly special and don't bother answering my questions unless you really want to!)...drum-roll:

1.  Sunshine @ Befriending my Ovaries.
2.  Elizabeth @ Bebe Suisse.
3.  M @ I've Seen a Love.
4.  Kaybee @ Things Couldn't Be Better.
5.  K @ Our Growing Gardunn.
6.  Stupid Stork.

You ladies are awesome and I look forward to reading your blogs whenever you post!!!

Here are my questions!  Sorry I don't have the best imagination for questions:

1.  Skiing vacation or beach vacation?  Which is your idea of how to spend a relaxing day?
2.  Coffee or tea?
3.  Do you have any pets?  If so, what kinds?
4.  Do you have any siblings?  If so, how many?  Are you close to them?
5.  iPhone, BlackBerry, Droid, or other cell phone?
6.  What is your favorite type of cuisine (i.e. Italian, Chinese, etc.)?
7.  What is the biggest part of your life that IF or PL has affected?
8.  Do you have a lot of good friends or a few great friends?
9.  If you could meet one famous person (dead or alive) who would it be and why?
10.  What is your favorite Halloween candy?
11.  If you could have one wish (except for more wishes, haha) what would it be?

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Full disclosure

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Is it strange that when someone asks me about my pregnancy that I feel weird talking about it?  I don't like telling people that I am pregnant.  Is it odd that I still wear baggy clothes/sweaters to work and have not mentioned my pregnancy to anyone other than my boss and a few close friends?  I am definitely popping out of my clothes.  Is it weird I still don't feel like this pregnancy is for real yet?  I have not felt any consistent movement and have not gotten the results from the Quad Screen back yet.  Am I just nuts?  Probably.

I am not sure if I am the only one here, but I am compelled to speak about the trouble that my husband and I had when conceiving this child.  When someone finds out that I am pregnant (usually from someone else, like my husband or my Mom) and they ask me questions about the pregnancy, I feel like I have to mention that it wasn't easy for us to get to this point.  I feel like if I don't bring up my miscarriages that I am lying.  I am also so much more conscientious about the fact that the person that I am talking to might have had trouble or be having trouble conceiving so I withhold most pregnancy details.  I can't imagine just being a normal pregnant person and yapping about how morning sickness sucked and about how many times I wake up every night to pee. 

When I called me Uncle and Aunt to tell them them I was pregnant (only so they didn't hear it from someone else first), I told them about this pregnancy and then I had to explain that we had trouble, but didn't get into the whole loss conversation.  Part of the reason that I mentioned having trouble is because I know that my Aunt had trouble.  She had only one child and I know that she was always kind of jealous of my Mom having 7.  I mean who could blame her?  She seemed very happy for me even before I got into the whole having trouble portion of the conversation, but I still felt compelled to share.

Then I called my cousin (their daughter, because I didn't want her to hear it from them and not me).  I was worried about telling my cousin because she is 35, unmarried, and I know would love to be a mommy someday.  I told her about my pregnancy and then immediately went into the story of my 3 losses in great detail.  For some reason I felt that might make her feel better?  I think I probably just made her feel awkward because I don't think she knew quite how to respond.  Luckily she is currently dating someone and they just got serious.  She acted very happy towards me.  I probably didn't need to go into all the sad details, but again, I did anyways.

When I was visiting family and people commented on this pregnancy I would clam up.  Of course I would bring up the fact that it wasn't easy for us in EVERY conversation and make the other person feel extremely awkward and sorry that they ever mentioned anything.  I just couldn't help it.  Why???  I told my Mom that I kept doing this and she told me that I didn't owe anyone an explanation about how I got to where I was and that I should just try to enjoy the moment and be happy. 

I know my Mom was right.  I don't need to tell everyone about my lost babies.  I don't need to tell them about my surgeries or about how I needed to take fertility meds to conceive this baby.  I can be respectful about how I talk about this pregnancy without going into all of the nitty-gritty details about exactly how I got here.

I am still not sure when I am going to tell people at work or even if I have to.  Can I just stop covering it up and wait for people to ask me or is that rude?  Does anyone else feel the need to discuss the problems that they had conceiving when telling others about your current pregnancy?  Does anyone else still struggle with when, how, and/or if to tell someone?  Even if you are not pregnant yet, will you tell others about your struggles or try to be that normal pregnant lady?

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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Back in April, when I started my blog, I didn't know that there was a whole community of other bloggers out there with similar issues to the ones that I was having.  I started the blog because I searched and searched for others like me and couldn't find anyone at first.  I thought that blogging would be a way for me to write about the issues that I was having and hope that I might help someone in the future who stumbled across it.

One of my friends forwarded me the Stirrup Queen's blog URL and I was immediately intrigued when I saw that there were many others out there that were in situations that were almost identical to my own.   Multiple miscarriages with no apparent cause??  I immediately signed my blog up in the main listing and then started searching for other blogs.  I started following a few blogs that interested me and that I could relate to.  Gradually people started commenting on my blog and I got a few followers.  I signed up for the LFCA and made even more bloggie friends.  Through ICLW I have met even more amazing ladies with some amazing yet heartbreaking stories.

Over the past few months, I have gotten to be much closer with bloggers from all over the world. It has been incredible that this little blog, which just started out as a collection of my thoughts for the random user, has made allowed me to make some really great friends.  I am so grateful to Mel @ Stirrup Queen's for bringing so many fabulous women together.  

Thus far most of my experiences in the blog world have been nothing but positive and enriching.  That was until last week.  Something happened to me in the blogisphere that kind of upset me.  Maybe it is my pregnancy emotions or maybe I am just more sensitive after opening up so much.  I am sure that you are all rolling your eyes by now (and will probably laugh when you read on), but I am being honest and I have never blogged about blogging before so hear me out if you will.

I heard of another blogger who was going through similar recurrent miscarriages like I have gone through.  She was worried that her current pregnancy might end up in another miscarriage.  This is a fear that I have felt many times before and that I STILL feel.  I thought I'd got over and offer some support because I felt like I could really relate to the person.  There were already quite a few comments, but I left one anyways.  I was trying to be optimistic, which in hindsight might have been a bad idea since most of the other commenters forecasted gloom and doom in a supportive fashion.  Anyways, I left the comment.  A few days later I went back to check the blog and I saw that the author had about twice as many comments as when I left my comment and that she had (literally) posted a response to every comment, thanking everyone for their support and advice, EXCEPT for mine.  I get that not every comment warrants a response, but I was really the only comment that didn't deserve one?  For some reason I felt really hurt by this at that particular point in time.

In this rather vulnerable moment, I started thinking about all of the blogs that I have been following regularly.  There are more blogs that I regularly comment on who comment on mine too and ladies that I support who also support me as well.  I have spoken about some of this before, but I recognize that some girls who might have followed me and supported/commented more regularly when I was TTC that either stopped or do so on a much less frequent basis because they are in a bad place.  I get it.  Hearing about any pregnancy while you are currently in the trenches is tough to deal with, IF/loss or no IF/loss.  I am not necessarily talking about this situation (although I will have to admit that sometimes it stings when people that you support(ed) all the time don't support you back anymore, but I guess that is just the way the infertility/loss cookie crumbles).  I am talking more about the blogs that I have followed and commented on who's authors have never once commented on my blog.

I get that you can't follow every blog out there and you can't always comment on every comment that you get, but if a person comments on my blog more than once, I usually start casually following them and commenting occasionally and then sometimes I end up following them regularly if I make a connection.  I realized last week that there have been ladies that I have been following, commenting/supporting for months that have never (or maybe once) commented on my blog.  I started asking myself why I was continuing to follow them and offer them advice, when then have never once done the same for me?  Some of those blogs have gone post-less for weeks.  I decided then and there that it was time to start unfollowing those blogs and only keep the ones in my reader where I truly have a connection with the author.  I think at this point I owe it to myself to stop investing my time and energy into people who either don't know or care about my existence or what I am going through.

I also tried to remind myself of the reason why I started the blog in the first place.  The blog was for me to write down my feelings to share with others that were going through similar situations.  I think I got really caught up in the whole idea of followers/commenters and lost sight of the real reasons that I started the blog.

Now I am curious if I am the only one who had ever felt this way or had a similar experience or realization regarding blogging?  Am I just taking things too seriously?  Do I need to grow some thicker skin?  Has anyone else ever cleaned out their blog following list under similar circumstances?  I would love to get some honest opinions here.  Feel free to call me out too, because there is a strong chance that I am just being to sensitive.

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I'm back!

I totally forgot that my trip to see my family was coinciding with this month's ICLW that I signed up for.  I was wondering why I was getting so many random comments until I saw that one mentioned ICLW.  Ooops.  I am a little bit behind in my commenting and blogging, but I promise that I will make up for it this week!

I am going to pull some bullets here to catch up on some things for this post, but if I have time later I think I'll start into one of the posts that I have wanted to write about since last week. 

  • My trip to see my family was really nice.  I got to celebrate my little sister's sweet 16 and the work that I thought would be ready for me to complete while I was there wasn't done in time so I didn't really have to do much except for respond to a few emails via BlackBerry.  I hung out with my Mom and Grandma mostly, but also got to spend some quality time with my two brothers and sister that still live at home.  We went out for lunch and went for some walks on the bike trail.  The weather was nice on a few days so we got to enjoy the lovely fall colors.  Yesterday, right before my flight back home, I asked my Mom to stop by the florist so that I could get some flowers to put on my Dad's grave.  Yesterday was what would have been his 56th birthday.  My Grandma (his Mom) went with us, but had a really tough time being at the cemetery.  She had not been there since his funeral 6 1/2 years ago.  It was hard to see her crying because she is usually so strong.  I was glad that I went though.  I know he isn't really there, but I felt like he was, in spirit.
  • So far I have completed 2 therapy sessions with my new therapist.  So far, I really like her.  She is an older lady who has an extremely calming personality.  Her office overlooks a pond, so it is very peaceful there.  The first visit she spent mostly getting to know me and the second visit she focused more on getting my anxiety (surrounding pregnancy) under control with some guided deep meditation.  She also helped me deal with the small amount of anxiety that I was feeling about flying in general and flying while pregnant.  It really helped me because I did not have my usual anxiety-ridden flight.   My next appointment is Nov. 1.  I really am starting to feel way more relaxed, in general.  I am not sure if it is the therapy or just the natural progression of things.
  • I found out a week and a half ago that the friend that I mentioned in a previous post that was pregnant and due in May after 5 miscarriages and 1 live birth (from IVF), had yet another miscarriage.  She went in for her 8 week ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat.  She ended up having a D&C yesterday (her 4th).  I feel so bad for her.  I know exactly how she is feeling, yet I wasn't sure what to say to her when I found out.  How do you console someone who is losing their 6th baby?  I let her know that I am here for her and sent her some flowers.  I am hoping to walk with her at the end of the week.  She is amazingly strong and is going in to her fertility clinic today to try to get some answers.  I really hope they can give her some hope.
  • I got the second part of my quad-screen blood taken last Tuesday.  I arrived at the hospital right at 7 AM hoping to get in and out.  Turns out that I had the wrong paperwork and the lab would not draw my blood until I had the right papers.  I had to wait until 8 AM until the doctor's office opened so that they could give me the correct paperwork.  Annoying, yes.  End of the world, no.  I think we get the results next Tuesday...gulp.
  • I am now about 15 1/2 weeks as of today.  I still haven't really wrapped my head around things yet. Am I really pregnant still?  Is this possibly going to work out?  The day before yesterday, right before I woke up, I felt what may have been the first flutters of the little Button.  I am still suspicious that it is the little one and not just gas bubbles or something, but it feels like what my Mom and others have described.  Almost like fish swimming around in there.  It is a very surreal feeling.  I still haven't told many people that I am pregnant yet.  I just don't feel like I can go and spread the news around yet without feeling uncomfortable.  Telling my relatives and family friends over the weekend was super hard for me.  I feel like I just don't have the right to be telling people.  I know, I am crazy.
  • Finally...ICLWers: Hi!  Apologies for the late into.  You can find out more about me here and here.  I promise to get around to commenting, responding to comments, and blogging for real this week.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am excited to catch up!!

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I have had so much to write about lately

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

...but I have had no time to put it on the blog screen.  Therapy, adventures at the hospital, more friends miscarrying, arguments with my husband out this unborn child (already), the list goes on.  Work has been consuming my life, especially with me cramming 5 days of work into 3, though, so no time to update now.  Oh and I leaving to visit my family tomorrow evening for the next several days so I am not sure that I am going to have a whole ton of time to write in the next few days.  I do have to bring my laptop for work, so I may write in the evenings.  Stay tuned.

Yesterday, I recognized National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day by lighting 3 candles.  One candle was lit for each of the babies that I lost.  I chose the candles in 3 sizes.  One for my oldest baby who passed at 8.5 weeks, one for my chemical baby, and one for the baby I lost at 6ish weeks.  My husband wasn't home at 7 PM so I lit them with my dog and 2 kitties present.  One of my cats was very interested in the lighting and sat right next to them.  Kind of cute I thought.  It felt so good to honor the little ones that I never got the chance to meet.  I know yesterday was hard for others who also remembered their lost babies.  It was so nice to see how many honored their babies in such lovely ways.

For each little one that was lost.

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I really need to s...l...o...w down

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This morning started off really shitty and then just got shittier.  It was raining, but not pouring rain.  It was the type of misty rain that you didn't really need an umbrella for, but if you didn't use one your makeup would look like Kiss and your hair would look like Medusa.  Yuck.  The weather around here has been so crappy lately.  Rainy, cloudy, misty, cool, damp...yuck.  It is these kinds of days that I just want to stay in bed.

I had my mini-umbrella (I have a G.ust B.uster for the pouring rain kind of days), slip-on sneakers (I have my snazzy C.oach rain boots for the pouring rain kind of days), and my waterproof rain jacket.  I took the train and thankfully it was on time.  When I got into the city it was still misting, but not full-out raining, so I decided to walk the almost 1 mile to work to get some exercise.  Not sure if you see where this is heading yet, but you may be able to connect the dots...

About half-way through the walk, I had an unfortunate accident.  I was taking a shortcut through a fenced off area of tables (I do it all the time) and I hurriedly went to step over the short fence when my left foot decided to slip out from under me, rendering me smack on my back on the wet and dirty brick walkway.  There were no people around as I commute in early, but a bus full of people and some cars driving by most definitely caught my spill.  I was embarrassed, yes.  No one likes to take a public tumble.

***TIMEOUT***  Now I have fallen many times walking to and from work.  Fallen up and down the stairs at the subway.  I have slipped on ice and started crying many times.  I have tripped over loose bricks and stones in walkways.  I have also gone to trip, but caught myself before actually toppling over even more times.  I wouldn't say that I am klutzy, but I have had my moments because I walk very, very, fast.  I am the kind of person that tourists fear.  I'll run you over if you are possibly going to make me late for work or my train.  Move over people...hustling commuter coming through.  I don't stop for anyone so get out of my way.  I think I could be a race walker.  No one at work likes walking with me because I walk so fast!  ***BACK TO THIS MORNING***

At first I just pulled myself up, wiped my dirty hands off, and carefully stepped over the fence.  I started walking, kind of stunned, and then I remembered, "You asshole.  You are pregnant."  Then I imagined my baby stunned and clinging to life because I felt the need to hustle to work so I could get there at 7:12 AM instead of 7:15 AM.  That image made me tear up.  I felt like punching myself in the face.

I held it together until I got to work.  Then I started to get upset.  I called my husband and had trouble getting out words.  "".  He tried to get me to calm down, but at this point I was inconsolable.  So pissed at myself for giving this baby yet another potential obstacle to overcome.

I literally stared at my computer screen for 45 minutes.  As soon as the clock turned 8:00 AM, I dialed the doctor.  Of course they were already jammed up so I left a frantic and tearful message.  I begged them to see me.  Luckily the nurse called me back less than an hour later.  She told me that there was almost no chance that I did any damage to the baby with the way that I fell (on my back as opposed to my stomach) and how early it was but she agreed that it would be best to have me come in so I could be checked out.

I left work immediately after writing a quick note to my boss and made the 40 minute trek to the hospital.  I was so petrified that I would fall again that I was walking like a 90 year old lady.  I don't think my eyes left the pavement for one minute.

Once I got to the hospital, I sat and waited for about 45 minutes.  I didn't even care though.  I just wanted to be seen.  My friend, B just happened to be there with her mom for her 30 week NST.  It was so comforting to see her.  Not sure what it was, but just seeing her made me calm down.  She went in for her appointment and came out and I was still waiting.  She and her mom waited with me until I was finally called.  (If you are reading this...B, thank you and love you!!).

They took my blood pressure, which was more normal, finally!  118/66.  I also did another pee sample.  Then the nurse asked me questions about my fall and got out the mini-ultrasound machine.  There was baby, happily moving arms and legs.  Little heart beating away, blissfully unaware of the tumultuous morning that I had had.  I felt so much better.  The nurse told me to slow down and be careful.  I knew this.  Hearing it helped to cement it into my thick skull.

While I was there I mentioned to the doctor that I had been having back pain for the past week or so (worse at night).  She recommended a urine culture to make sure I didn't have a kidney infection, so I went back to the bathroom to pee.  Luckily I can almost pee on command at this point with my small bladder and the amount of water I drink.  She told me that they would call me if it was positive, but she didn't think I had an issue.

I left there feeling good.  Glad I went there.  Happy they treated me so well.  Happy to see my little baby.  Happy that the day was getting better.  I walked back to work and then back to the train in the afternoon, very carefully.  I even let some other commuters pass me (which, I will admit, did bother me), but I tried to keep picturing that little baby, swimming away in my uterus.  All the incentive I needed.

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Back to therapy...

Friday, October 5, 2012

I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)

A healthy little treat from my sweet.

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NT Exam, part 1

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Sorry that this update is kind of late.  We didn't get home from the appointment until almost 7 PM on Tuesday and I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to write an update.  Thus, this might be rather short because I am again on a time crunch.  I have a huge presentation of my new product to our COO/CTO today and I am once again under the gun!

The exam, overall, went well even though we had a tough time getting there.  I thought the exam was at 3:45 PM, when in fact I realized on Tuesday that it was at 2:45 PM.  Ooops.  I called my husband (freaking out) to let him know that we would need to leave early.  Luckily, that wasn't a huge problem.  Then, on the drive there, we got stuck in a huge traffic jam because some jerk-off decided to drive his tractor-trailer in a tunnel with a low clearance and got stuck.  We finally got to the hospital and as soon as we checked in and sat down in the very crowded waiting room, the fire alarm went off.  They closed up parts of the hospital and things were pretty stagnant for 25 minutes.  Needless to say, it didn't matter that we were 10 minutes late.

After sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes, anxious/nauseous/heart beating out of my chest, we finally got called in for the scan part of the exam.  The tech was really nice.  I told him how nervous I was and he immediately put me at ease when he showed me the wiggly baby on the screen with a happily beating heart.  I was able to breathe a little more after that.  It was so cool to see the little waving hands and the little feet.  It really did seem surreal.

The baby really wanted to be in either a downward or upward facing position so the tech was having a tough time getting measurements.  He would try to coax the baby to the side position with the ultrasound wand, but the baby would flip right back to one of the original positions.  Very stubborn, that is definitely my child in there.  Finally he was able to get the baby into a good position and get some measurements.  He told us the measurement was 1.6 mm after measuring 2 times and said the baby looked good and healthy.  He then left and sent in the radiologist for a final review.

The radiologist then came in with a resident and they started scanning again.  Of course, the baby went back to one of the more comfortable positions.  She told us that the baby was measuring 13.3 weeks (even though I was 12 weeks 4 days, by my dating ultrasound).  She got the baby to turn into a side view position with some more pushing with the wand, snapped some measurements, then asked us is we wanted a guess on the gender.  Ummmm, yes!  Unfortunately my husband refuses to let me say anything to anyone so I can't say what they said.  We need a few more weeks to make that part of things official.

After the scan we headed over to the doctor's office.  For some reason I was still really anxious while sitting in the waiting room. Of course the first thing they did when I got into the exam room was to take my blood pressure.  Again, it was high, 138/70.  I could tell that I was anxious and I told the tech again.  She said the doctor would review it.  Always something.

The doctor came in and looked over the test results and said that everything looked good.  He explained a little more about the 2 part NT exam that I had opted for (I wasn't really sure which one to pick, but he recommended that one at my first appointment, so I complied).  Basically, I had the ultrasound and got blood taken on Tuesday and I have to go back for more blood work on 10/16.  Then I find out the results at my appointment on 10/30.  More things for me to worry about and obsess over, yay.  We talked a little about my blood pressure and he mentioned that I may have developed "White Coat Syndrome" due to my history of miscarriage.  This is when blood pressure spikes when anxiety related to a doctor's visit occurs.  He said that he wasn't worried about it right now, but that he might send me home with a monitor if it continues to be high when I visit.  Ummm yeah I can tell you right now that it will continue to be high each time I visit because I am now conditioned to feel this way after 3 miscarriages.  I ALWAYS expect bad news at an appointment regarding pregnancy.  Awesome.

We left the appointment feeling pretty good about things and excited to call my grandma.  I then happened to glance at the report in the car and I noticed that the report said the NT thickness was 2.0.  I was kind of confused since the tech told us that it was 1.6.  How did the estimate change so much??  I know that anything under 2.6 is considered to be a "normal" screen, but of course seeing a 2 on that paper scared me and sent me into a G.oogle frenzy when I got home.  That G.oogle frenzy led to me to another piece of the puzzle that neither the doctor nor the radiologist mentioned...the presence or absence of a nasal bone.  Why can't I believe it when the high-risk OB who specializes in dealing with people who have abnormal scans on a regular basis, tells me that the scan was normal?  What the heck is wrong with me?  Why don't I trust doctors and think that I can come up with more accurate diagnoses via the Internet?  I always do this to myself.  It is like I am trying to convince myself that there is a problem now.  Another miscarriage casualty.  Does anyone else do this or does the cheese stand alone here?

To end this post that I thought would be short, but ended up not being so short, we did call me grandma on the way home.  She was beyond ecstatic, as we expected.  It was so nice telling her that she would probably become a great grandmother in a few months.  :)

If you are interested, click over to see some pics of our growing Button.  Doesn't really look like a button anymore!

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