I have a rather sad confession to make and for some of you this might be TMI so if you know me or don't like TMI topics and don't want to read then I'll catch you on the next post.  Otherwise, here goes...

My confession is that I am afraid to have sex.  My husband and I have not done the deed since week 4 of this pregnancy.  My doctor has never told me not to have sex, but for some reason it is just another correlation that I have drawn to having sex and potential miscarriage or other pregnancy related issues.

During the first trimester, I was totally scared to have sex, but also just didn't feel like it.  I was nauseous almost all the time, bloated, gassy, and so anxious that I don't think I would have enjoyed things very much at all.  I did, however, have a ton of sex related dreams (most of them included my husband, too!)  and I think I may have even orgasmed in my sleep a few times.  If I didn't get all the way there, then I was definitely close.

I told myself, just get through the first trimester and then you'll feel better physically and mentally and you'll be able to feel comfortable with it again.  Well, that hasn't happened.  Now at about 17 1/2 weeks  I am still not comfortable with the idea of it.  I hear so many stories about women who start bleeding after sex and that totally freaks me out.  I have not (knock on wood) had to deal with any bleeding during this pregnancy and I fear that if I see blood I will totally lose it.  I have also heard horror stories about orgasms causing contractions/miscarriages and premature labor and semen causing the cervix to soften.  I also have no clue about which positions are safe and which once might not be so safe.  Ahhh I need to stop the G.oogling and pregnancy forum hopping.

My husband has been extremely understanding.  He hasn't once made me feel bad about it even though I feel terrible about it.  He has brought it up a few times and when I tell him how I feel he backs off right away.  I sort of feel like I am failing as a wife.  I also don't want to push my husband away just because of a potentially irrational fear that I have.  I mean come on, the guy hasn't had sex in months because of me.  I feel terrible.

I also just miss being with him.  We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to never!  I feel like any time he kisses me I kind of squirm away because I am afraid it will turn into more.  I am so annoyed and angry with myself.  One other thing to note, I have not spoken about this to my therapist.  Maybe I should though.

I am not sure if how I am feeling is normal for people who have gone through RPL or IF.  I just feel like if I have the option to not do something to keep the baby safe, then I will do it.  I would love to get others feedback.  Have you experienced similar feelings?  Any words of advice for this newbie that has dealt with RPL?  If you haven't come across this situation yet how would you deal?  Would you just have sex and not even think about it or would you be worried and wither not do it or not be able to enjoy it?

Just a word of warning...this is a TMI post.  I am letting you know up front so you can choose not to read it if you are prudish or faint of heart.  I won't use any graphic terms or descriptions, but this post is about sex.  Fair warning people!

So my husband and I decided after our last miscarriage to wait 2 cycles until trying again, even though my RE said waiting 1 cycle was fine.  Knowing that my cycles are soooooo long, I decided to go on Femara in hopes of shortening my second cycle because we want to get on with things!  After the 3rd miscarriage, neither of us were very interested in "getting it on".  When we first started trying it was a lot of fun not worrying about getting pregnant, but anyone who has been trying to conceive for a while knows that baby-making-sex gets old pretty fast.  After trying so many times and having it not work, sex is pretty much associated with a negative outcome for both of us.  Plus, although they have a time and a place, neither of us are a big fan of condoms.  When you haven't used them in many years and then all of a sudden go back to them it equals issues of all sorts.  I won't get into detail, but let's just say they are uncomfortable for both of us.

In this second cycle, we have both started feeling a little better about things and have been actually feeling like having sex again.  Even though I asked him if we really needed to use a condom each time we did it, he kept me on track and told me that we should stick to our plan and wait.  I begrudgingly agreed.  Nothing like having protected sex when you so desperately want to get pregnant!

Fast forward to today.  I am not sure if it is the Femara or what, but my fertility instincts definitely kicked in.  Even though I got a negative opk this morning, I still feel like I am close to ovulating.  My husband and I got caught up in the moment and decided not to use protection.  Oops.  :-)  I think part of the fact that we shouldn't be "not using protection" made it that more appealing.

MORE TMI.  If I could say that was the only oops for the day I'd be lying.  Ok so the first time we were like, well there is no way that we'll get pregnant off of one try.  If we do, then it was meant to be.  Well I guess we had no excuse in the second round so it really wasn't an oops at all.  I feel like I am in college again!  We both knew very well that we broke our "2 cycle plan" this time and now we are just asking for it.  I can see Dr. Zhang shaking his head at me right now.  For couples that are struggling to light the fire in the bedroom, have someone tell you that you can't have sex for 2 months and see how that works out for you.

So here we are.  Now I guess I may have something to keep me occupied during the 2ww.  Just waiting patiently for that smiley face.