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Maybe it is because the marathon is over and I have a large amount of time that has been freed up due to the lack of training, which has given me more time to think. As fast as my negative body image went away, it decided to make a return with an evil vengeance.

My sister and I had a conversation a few weeks back about our biggest insecurities and issues. One of my biggest is my body, which as you all know by now, was exacerbated by the number that my pregnancy did on it. No matter what anyone tells me, I will always feel inferior. It seems that no matter how hard I work out, I still can't achieve the body aesthetics that I think "look good".

I have always been a perfectionist. I am not sure exactly where it started. Many people will argue that first-born children tend to be more "Type A". I would have to agree with this. As a child (just ask my mom!), I was always the best behaved, super-organized, and most responsible child of the bunch. I started ballet classes at a very early age and was taught that discipline and structure were two of the most important keys to success in life. I remember my dance teacher inspecting our lunches as we waited between classes or rehearsals. She would throw out food that she thought was going to make us fat even though I weighed under 100 lbs until I was a junior in high school, I felt like I had to adhere to those strict standards of eating throughout my teenage years. Getting into running junior/senior year of high-school kept me rail thin, or maybe it was the combination of being cross-country captain, track captain, school VP, school leadership member, honor society member, dance team captain, and the prom queen. I didn't really have any time to eat or obsess over my body. It just was what it was, but I was fine with it. I NEVER "partied" or got into trouble even though I was friendly and well-liked by most of the people at school including the most popular and the least popular.

Once I got to college, I did what you might refer to as rebel against my "miss perfect" lifestyle. I drank very heavily, ate total crap (and lots of it), didn't exercise, hooked up with random guys, and started getting bad grades because I either didn't go to class or I fell asleep during it. As a result, I gained a lot of weight freshman year. So much weight, if fact, that if you were to look at the picture on my college ID and a look at a picture of my taken last week, you would swear that it was not the same person. When I started dating my husband, I had settled down a bit and lost weight and although I wasn't the specimen of fitness, I had youth on my side.

In my mid-late 20s I started running a lot more and got into racing, marathoning, and healthy eating. My husband and I went to the gym almost every day of the week...together. He would go lift weights and I would do some cardio and light-weights. I would eat bags of veggies for lunch and cut-out all harmful fats and sweeteners. Looking back on pictures of myself during that time now, I think I looked really great. The best in my whole life, actually. Muscular, but lean. I remember a high school classmate commenting on a FB picture that I had posted and him saying how great I looked at that time. I ate that up, but deep down I didn't necessarily believe him. I could always look a little better.

Enter the world of miscarriage and infertility. Thinking that we would pop out a baby by the age of 30 due to our super-healthy-lifestyles turned out to be a total mind f*ck.  I gained weight, lost muscle, lost pride and self-respect while trying to have a child.  I started to really loathe my body in a way that went much deeper than its outside appearance.  I can remember the absolute darkest day of my life.  I had just gotten home after finding out that I was losing my 3rd pregnancy.  I called my mom hysterically crying telling her that I wanted to die.  It was hard to get words out to express everything, but I know that she was incredibly concerned.  I was so angry with my body.  I remember thinking that I would so much rather be dead than have to deal with this again.  I got into bed and put the covers over my head and wished so hard that I would not wake up.  That was the absolute worst and lowest day of my life.  I had never hated my body more.

Thinking that finally having a baby would fix all of my body-hating issues has proved to be untrue.  While my body finally decided to allow a child to grow successfully, it was not without lots of permanent "bruises" and battle scars.  I will never be able to get back to my 20-something body because, no matter how hard I try, I have imperfections that either can't be fixed at all or can only be fixed with expensive "cosmetic" surgery.  I am constantly reminded of what I won't have again when I am bombarded with images of the super-fit (and young or gifted in the gene department) women on a regular basis. 

Last weekend was the perfect storm of body-hating resurgence.  A huge "party" at my husband's CrossFit gym in which several (as my husband refers to them as) CrossFit pin-up ladies were in attendance (Google if you are interested in what this means).  They were all scantily clad in sports bras and almost see-through spandex booty shorts, sporting golden tans, washboard abs, doing squats and hand-stand pushups while all of the guys, including my husband, and all the girls for that matter, had to clean up the drool that landed on the floor beneath them.  My MIL, who came at my husband's urging, loudly proclaimed that all of those women were "gross and manly" and she would "never want to look like them".  Even though several people around us gave her the stink-eye, she got a few extra points in my book.  One of the pin-ups, who I found out was recently married, was shamelessly flirting with several guys.  Other married guys were flirting with other ladies that were in attendance.  The whole thing made me so uncomfortable.  I could not get out of there fast enough, not to mention I stuck out like a super modest sore thumb wearing long pants and a long-sleeved shirt.

Why am I comparing myself to these women that I wouldn't even really want to look like?  Maybe it is because I know that my husband thinks they are hot and I feel like I don't even come close to looking like them.  Maybe it is because I feel so self-conscious when naked and don't enjoy having sex like I could be because I feel terrible about the way my body looks.  I feel like they look so perfect and so they must have perfect (sex) lives, which I know deep-down isn't true, but I still can't shake the negative thoughts and the idea that things must be perfect for them because they look perfect.

Once again, another evening was corrupted with a heated discussion about CrossFit and how much I hate it last night.  The time commitment, the obsession, the overwhelming amount of super-fit 20 something women that work out 24/7 and put their bodies and looks above (seemingly) anything else in life that seem to want to wreck good homes.

I stopped therapy in the summer because it wasn't helping.  Maybe the therapist wasn't for me.  I'm not sure.  The thing is, I know what the issue is.  It is deep-rooted insecurity of my whole self with my body image being one of the top contributors.  I always feel like I am somehow not good enough.  I am not pretty enough or hot enough and somewhere deep down I worry that my husband might come to realize this someday and leave me because of it.  What I fail to factor into this scenario is the fact that my husband (obviously) married me for more than my physical self because there is so much more to life that how you look.  When we die, our bodies stay here and decompose.  No one is going to be stunningly gorgeous or having amazing washboard abs that guys fawn over when they turn 80 years old.  I mean come on, that is reality.  What will endure until death is personality, wit, humor, etc.  I just need to keep reminding myself of this when I start to get into that loop of negative self-talk.  I need to build up my self-esteem that my years dealing with body-betrayal took away from me.    After all, could one of those pin-ups run a difficult marathon in 3.5 hours with 30 mph head winds after a broken nights sleep (nursing an 18 month old)?  My body may not be perfect ever, but it can surely rise to the call of duty when it has to.           

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Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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I am currently knee-deep in NYC marathon training and, let me tell you, the cards have definitely been stacked against me, once again.  My husband and I have managed to keep, what I have viewed as a fair schedule for the last couple of weeks.  Yes, there have been days when I feel like his workouts have been ill-timed or ridiculously long, but other than that, we have both been able to train for our respective sports while still managing the baby, the house, the pets, our jobs, etc.

Here is an example of my workout schedule for this week:

Monday- 6 miles (easy)
Tuesday- Track workout of 400 (90 sec rest), 400 (2:30 rest), 800 (90 sec rest) x 3, with a 1 mile warm-up and 1 mile cool-down
Wednesday- OFF
Thursday- 6 miles with 3 miles at tempo pace (1/2 marathon to marathon pace)
Friday- 45-60 min (easy)
Saturday- 16 miles
Sunday- 30-45 min (easy) and/or cross-train

I usually do my Mon/Thursday workouts right after work at 5 PM and my husband spends time with the baby (feeds him dinner and bathes him) and then I take over so that he can leave around 6:30 PM for his workout for which he usually doesn't return until almost 9 PM or later.  My Mon/Thursday runs take between 45-55 minutes and I always forgo stretching so that I can get back to see B.

Tuesday is the only night that I have to go run at a specific time because I run with a group of people.  I have to leave at 6:10 PM to get there on time, so this is the ONE day that I have requested that he take off.  If I could change the schedule and make everyone meet on Wednesday, I would, but I am not making the schedule.  Before I leave, I usually help feed B and occasionally bathe him, too.

Wednesdays, I usually take off so my husband is free to go to train whenever he wants, but he usually doesn't go until 6:30 PM.

Fridays, I usually run at lunch unless there is a baby doctor appointment or some other appointment that day.  If I can't run at lunch then I run with the baby in the jogger after work or occasionally pull a Mon/Thurs schedule kind of day.  My husband is (usually) free to train whenever he wants.

Saturday mornings are my long runs (up to 22 miles by Sept/Oct).  I have been getting on the road between 5 AM and 5:30 AM so that I can be back in time for my husband to go and workout at at 8 AM.  He usually goes around 8 AM and doesn't come back until 11 AM, at which point we all start the rest of our day, together.

Sundays are our only day to "sleep in".  Usually B has other plans, but occasionally we get to sleep until 7-7:30 AM.  Occasionally we do a family workout and run together with B in the jogger or do some other type of cross-training workout.

So most of you reading this are probably exhausted after reading this because I feel exhausted after typing it.  It may seem fair to you or you may think, sheesh, that guys really does long workouts (the thought I usually have).  Last night we ran into an issue, which I feel like we have run into before.  My husband is not a fan of my Tuesday night workouts because he says that it screws up the whole week for him.  I thought that we had come to an agreement that Tuesdays were MY day.  The one day that I can go and workout with others and not feel like I have to rush back.  Apparently, there was no agreement.

My MIL is still watching the baby on Mon/Tues until the end of the month.  When she decided she wanted to do this, she told us that she was here to watch the baby and that we should never feel bad about doing so while she was there.  Well, I think she came to the realization that he is a lot more work than she thought and come 4:30 PM, she is ready to hand him over to his rightful owners.  My husband has been sneakily getting his mom to watch the baby on Tuesdays so that he can slink out of the house at 5 PM to go workout.  He doesn't get back until around 7 PM, so I am left with the uncomfortable job of leaving the baby with Meme after she has already watched him all day.  I feel guilty and terrible when I leave.  My husband doesn't mind because, when he leaves, I'm there.

After work last night (after thinking we had an agreement about Tuesdays since we had gotten into a fight about it the previous week), my husband, MIL, SIL, and I were all sitting in the living room watching B when my husband asked his mom if she would mind watching B while he went to workout.  She didn't sound like she had even the slightest bit of interest in that idea.  If she had said, "Yes!  I'd love to," then maybe I would not be typing this right now, but she definitely did not sound excited.  I glared at him and told him that I thought we decided that he was taking the day off, but he shrugged off my comment and kept talking about working out.  I asked him politely not to go, but he kept pressing it.  I told him quietly that I didn't feel comfortable having this conversation in front of his family so he decided to be passive-aggressive and say, "Fine.  I won't go." so as to make me feel as guilty as possible.  He even threw in an, "my workout schedule for the week is ruined."  Of course steam started flowing out of my nose and ears.

To make a long story short, he didn't go, but not because he remembered our conversation from the previous week.  In fact, he said he could not recall said conversation.  I went to my running workout feeling guilty as ever and did not perform well and didn't have a great time because I kept thinking about this situation.

When I got back at around 8:30 PM, the house was dark, the front light was out, and the door was locked.  I got inside and everything was quiet.  I went upstairs to find my husband in bed...sleeping.  B's lunches were not packed, his cups dirty, the dirty pump parts in the sink, the cats milling around, the dog begging to be let outside.  To me, this was the ultimate F.U.  I have to get up at 4:30 AM so that I can get to work early enough to be able to pick B up from daycare, plus 90 percent of the time I am up with him at least once a night.  Yes, I know I choose to do this work-out once a week so I get back late and have a little scrambling to do and have to deal with less sleep.  I get that.  What I don't get is why he wants to (seemingly) make my life more difficult on this particular night.    

So of course B was also up all night last night.  Some type of almost 16 month old sleep regression situation going on.  So on top of being super angry, I had to deal with that.  I guess it is still TBD how we decide to work this situation out since we can't seem to come to a compromise that works for both of us.  Is it me?  Is it him?  Is it both of us?  Should we both give up the notion of being able to train for anything and just go back to working out to prevent us from becoming unhealthy?  I am not sure if our situation is unique, but it would be great to get some advice or feedback on how you all make it work (without divorce!).

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I apologize that this post is so delayed.  At the time that I wrote the first post about diastasis recti I had wanted to follow-up shortly thereafter with another post regarding how I was dealing with the issue.  I'll update you on my "progress" and where everything stands right now.

Back when I wrote my first post on this subject in September, I had made great progress with my physical therapist.  I was doing regular core exercises that were specifically geared towards people with my condition.  I was running a ton and feeling great.  I felt like I was getting so much better so in November, I joined CrossFit.  For a while I was modifying all of the workouts that had any ab components because the physical therapist told me that they could make the condition worse and un-do all of the work that I put in (sit-ups, v-ups, toes-to-bar, etc).  After a while it started to get embarrassing and decided to disregard what my PT had said.  I always had to modify exercises and always had to explain to others why I was "cheating".  I was tired of it.

One day, during a class, I decided to just go for it.  I felt like my core was pretty strong so I did a whole workout with a component that included "toes-to-bar" except that I did "knees-to-elbows", which is the beginner version of the former workout.  I did the workout and felt ok during it, but that night when I got home, I noticed in the mirror that my stomach looked worse than it had in a long time.  My lower back was also bothering me.  UGH.  After only one workout, my diastasis looked so much worse than it had in months.  How completely defeating.

Since quitting CrossFit, I have been running a lot more.  I started training with a coach again and do weekly intervals with a "team".  I am back in my element!  The only problem is that I still have this annoying ab separation to deal with.  Besides causing some lower back pain, it looks like I am 6 months pregnant every night, which is terrible for my self-esteem.  Last week my Aunt asked me when I was due.  Seriously?  I had really hoped to wear a 2 piece bathing suit this summer, but that isn't going to happen (maybe ever again).  It is crazy that I am 115 lbs, which is lower than I was before I got pregnant, but I have never felt more uncomfortable with my body.

So now I am back to, what I feel like, is square one.  I need to start doing my core exercises from my PT again.  I need to practice getting up and out of bed in the way that she taught me.  I need to start wearing the brace at night again.  I also need to really be strict about what I am eating.  Sugar and wheat tend to make me bloated, which exacerbates the problem.  One girl in a support group that I am in, mentioned that apple cider vinegar helps with bloating.  I tried that one night when I felt very bloated and it worked within 15 minutes (I put 2 teaspoons in water and pounded it...totally gross).  I know it is bad for your teeth though, so it isn't a perfect solution.

For reference, here are some pictures to detail what I am talking about.

Picture #1

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So I quit CrossFit.  I'm not sure if this is a temporary thing or if I am just "taking a break", but for now I am done.  I just can't handle it anymore.  There are a few things that have led to this decision and I am going to discuss them in this post.  I have done lots of Google searching on the topic and I have not found that many articles on the topic.  If you have stumbled upon this post while looking for information regarding the combination of topics including: CrossFit, motherhood, young children, working, cults, and divorce, please look no further.  Hopefully I can help you out.

Why I quit CrossFit

Just a little background on my CrossFit experience for those of you who have not been following along from the beginning.  My husband started doing CrossFit back in September of 2012 after getting a Groupon deal for the Foundations* level class.  At the time that he started CrossFit, I was about 8 weeks pregnant and under fairly strict orders not to exercise.  I figured that since the membership was a steep $180 a month, that it would be a try it out and then go back to working out at our regular gym type of thing.  Well, it wasn't.  He ended up sticking with it and even competing not long after "graduating" from the Foundations* level class.  

CrossFit became the source of lots of tension in our marriage, right from the beginning.  He started spending hours upon hours at his box* every night while I sat at home on my lonely, hormonal, pregnant arse.  Of course, I was jealous.  I wasn't just jealous of the time that he was spending there, but I was jealous of the people that he was spending time with...lots of early to mid 20-something girls.  Justified or not, CrossFit was driving me crazy.

After I had the baby, I figured that he would back off of the CrossFit for a while, and he did, but not for long enough.  Soon he was back at full-throttle, once again, only now he was at a different box* that his friend opened and he was a key-holding/investing member.  To my surprise I became even more jealous and resentful because of his new-found friends, new diet, and physique.  We had several ugly fights on the topic.  It wasn't pretty.  I can't you how many times I Googled "Does CrossFit cause divorce?" because I was seriously worried that this stupid "sport" was going to ruin our relationship.  My husband transformed into a different person who's life revolved around the CrossFit schedule, people, way of eating, way of thinking, etc.  Is this common?  I'm not sure, but I think that if both people in a relationship are immersed in the cult-like attitude of CrossFit then it is less of an issue.

Once I got back into shape, he suggested I try our CrossFit...just to see if I might like it.  He was so enthusiastic about it that I signed up for the Foundations* level class.  He even bought me some fancy CrossFit clothes and shoes so that I "fit in" with everyone else.  I liked it a lot and yet hated it with a passion all at the same time.  Here is why I quit.

1.  The class schedule is too rigid.  There is a reason why most of the members are single people in their early to mid-20s.  It is very difficult for the full-time working, breastfeeding, mommy of a 10 month old to get to the gym several days a week at the SAME EXACT TIME.  It was either go right after work at 5 PM and only see the baby for 30 minutes a day or drag my exhausted butt there at 7 PM for a crazy and intense workout when I have to get up at 4:30 AM the next morning.  Not to mention I have a CrossFit crazed husband who also has to make it to one of the workouts.  Sometimes I only have time for a 30 minute workout and sometimes that workout is at 5:30 PM and sometimes it is at 6:30 PM.  I just never know what my son's schedule is going to be or what WOD* my husband is going to be attending..  Oh and there is one class on Saturday and one on Sunday, that's it, so if you can't make it because you have baby swim lessons you are SOL.

2.  It is way too expensive.  I understand that "you get what you pay for" and if I were to hire a personal trainer, I would be spending a whole heck of a lot more than $180 a month, but this is not personal training that I am getting.  There are up to 20 people in one class and so you get occasional feedback on your technique, performance, scaling measure, etc.  It is not always consistent and definitely not 1-on-1.

3.  The gym is really, really, dirty.  I know that all gyms are a little bit gross.  You always hear about MRSA or staph infections being contracted from the local Gold's Gym.  At least those places are getting cleaned on a nightly basis.  The same cannot be said for the box* that I was attending.  The members joke about not wearing black because you will be able to see all of the dirt, dust, and hair that is sticking to you every time that you hit the deck for a burpee*.  They don't have the place professionally cleaned and when it is cleaned, it is one of the coaches doing it after working a full day.  So yeah, it basically is never cleaned.  One girl even contracted ring worm...gross.

4.  I have a YMCA membership.  I am paying close to $100 a month for a YMCA membership so that my sister can work out and so that B can attend weekly swimming lessons.  I haven't been to that gym to work out in quite a while so I am basically paying for nothing.  I would really like to get back to swimming once a week myself, which brings me to my next reason...

5.  No time for any other cross-training.  Besides the swimming, I also really like yoga and I wasn't able to practice it for a while because of my c-section and then my diastasis recti.  I really want to get back into it, but with CrossFit and running there just wasn't any time (or money) for that.

6.  I am much more concerned with running PRs than squat snatching* ones.  At least 90% of the people that I met through CrossFit used it at their only form of exercise and thus were very interested in lifting continually heavier weights.  The RX* weights at the CrossFit box* that I was attending are, in my humble opinion, very high for most people, women especially.  I don't ever want to be able to do 15 reps of a 95# squat snatch*, it just isn't a part of my life goals or interests.  Just lift lighter weight then, you might be thinking.  Well, if you lift lighter weights you get "harassed" (they don't publicly ridicule you or anything, I just can't think of a better term) for not working hard enough.  I just want to shout at the coaches, "I could kick your asses at a 5k!!"

7.  Every workout is a competition.  I am a very competitive person which is why I love running races.  I am type A so I am always concerned about doing a better job than the person next to me.  I don't like competing during every workout: for time, for reps, for weight.  You do the workout and then you have to write your "score" on the white board for everyone to see.  It is quite stressful.  Once in a while a little competition is good, but I don't think that EVERY workout should be a contest.

8.  Every workout is a community* event.  Ick.  I hate the word community,* when referenced by CrossFit.  To me it sounds like a religion or a cult.  I mentioned that each there are up to 20 people in a class, which means that some workouts are done in heats (you have to watch other people before or after you do your workout).  The workouts that are done for a certain amount of reps can take one person 5 minutes and another 20 minutes, but you have to wait for EVERYONE to finish before you can leave.  I actually got scolded once for starting to dismantle my barbell before someone was done with their pull-ups.  I have a baby, people.  He needs to be put to bed on a schedule!

9.  Rhabdo*.  Yes, it is a taboo word in the CrossFit world and most CrossFitters will tell you that they have only heard stories about friends of friends getting it.  Well, in just the last month, TWO people at the CrossFit box* that I was going to got Rhabdo* and ended up in the hospital for days with CK levels in the thousands.  Ummmm no thanks.  

10.  (Most) people that do CrossFit, live CrossFit.  Not love, live.  Yes, their lives revolve around CrossFit.  They blog about it.  They post on FB and Instagram about it.  They eat Paleo and talk about eating Paleo.  They talk about how their lives have been forever changed by CrossFit.  They only associate with other CrossFit members.  They want to explain the WOD* to you, talk about how they kicked that "girl's"* ass, or how great their thrusters*, snatches*, and jerks* are (yes, for some reason lots of CrossFit terms have a sexual slang associated with them...hmmm).  YUUUUCK!!

11.  The CrossFit Open.  For those athletes that are very serious and train for competitions, I don't have an issue with this.  For the rest of the average Joes out there, doing the CrossFit Open workouts doesn't make sense to me.  My super in-shape CrossFit competing husband can't get through all of those crazy workouts so how can a person fresh out of the Foundations* level class do them?  Why should they try and risk injury and frustration because there are no scaling options?  The coaches where I was were seriously pushing EVERYONE to sign up.  I had to hear about it every day when we were warming up and it started getting on my nerves.  I think that only people who have all of the movements down and with proper form, should be allowed/encouraged to sign up for this yearly event

12.  You need to purchase a new wardrobe to fit in.  If you don't have the Nanos*, the bright colored knee socks, the skimpy spandex shorts, and loose tank top then you stick out like a sore thumb.

13.  If you don't CrossFit, don't bother working out.  CrossFit members think that CrossFit is the only form of exercise that is worth doing and they make fun of people that go to "regular" gyms.  They laugh at runners or bikers because they really do think that CrossFit is the only way that you can get in a good workout.  I found this out the hard way when my husband told me that running distance was bad for me.  Never mind the 75 year old nun that does IronMan triathlons.

14.  You need a CrossFit dictionary to know what they are talking about.

CROSSFIT TERMS DEFINED
Foundations- "Training" that you must take before you can be released into the CrossFit wild.
Box- The CrossFit facility.
WOD- Workout of the day.  There is one workout a day and everyone does it.
Burpee- A common CrossFit move where you hit the deck (chest to floor) then bounce up on your feet and clap.  You do this multiple times.
Community- The CrossFit members.
RX- The prescribed weight for an exercise to be done.
Rhabdo- The CrossFit mascot.  Short for Rhabdomyolysis which is caused by overexertion of muscles which results in the breakdown of muscle fibers and releases their contents into the bloodstream.  This can overload the kidneys and cause death.
Thrusters- See this YouTube video.
Snatches- See this YouTube video.
Jerks- See this YouTube video.
Nanos- Reebok's CrossFit shoe that every CrossFit member MUST have.

So after listing out these 13 reasons why I quit CrossFit you would think that there is nothing in life that I hate more than CrossFit.  Even though my husband would like to think that this is true, it isn't.  I think that the concept behind CrossFit is a really great one.  Having people get together to exercise is better than a lot of other things that you could be doing.  CrossFit (or at least the box* that I was going to) encourages warming-up properly before each workout, dynamic workouts, and then the WOD*, which is always thoroughly explained and demonstrated.  I think that I would be more likely to go back if they did the following:

1.  Split up the classes so that the competitive athletes are working out together and those that are just in it for the cross-training are working out together.  That way there is no peer pressure to lift weights that are too heavy or sacrifice your form so that you go to fast and end up hurting yourself.

2.  More weekend classes.  Not everyone can go mid-morning on a weekend.  

3.  Invest in a professional cleaning service.

4.  Most importantly- stop with the elitist attitude toward all other people that choose other forms of exercise.  We are all in it to look good and feel good.  We do it for stress release and to feel good about ourselves.  Trash-talking other forms of exercise and pushing the CrossFit mentality down anyone's throat who will listen isn't good.

That's all for now.  Wow.  I had a lot to say, I guess.

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I am happy to say that I made it through the Paleo Challenge...alive.  On Friday, we did our exit measurements and the exit workout (the crazy Burpee Challenge).  The next day we had our completion party at a local restaurant and let me tell you, that calamari with hot peppers tasted AMAZING.

You may be curious to know what the results of the 30 Day Paleo Challenge were for me.  They were definitely not what I expected.  I don't have all of the final measurements yet (i.e. I don't know what my starting or ending body fat measurements were/are), but I do know that I GAINED 3 lbs.  In.  A.  Month.  HA!  Everyone was telling me that I gained muscle.  I am not sure if that is true or not, although I would like to think that it is.  The good news out of this is that I didn't want to lose weight and now I am back to my regular weight of 118 lbs.  I don't think that weight gain was always typical for the other people that did that Challenge because one woman posted that, together, she and her husband lost 21lbs.  A few other of the smaller girls doing the Challenge also gained a few lbs.  Muscle weighs more than fat, right?

On the flip side, at the beginning of the month, I struggled to do my 55 burpees in 4 minutes (if you remember from the intro post you had to do 30 burpees in 2 minutes, then if you completed that you had 2 more minutes to do 30 more burpees, etc).  This time I got to 85 burpees!  I was almost to my 4th round!  I did 30 more than a month ago.  I was pretty proud of myself for that.  I am also now able to do regular push-ups like I have never been able to do before and I started doing some of the regular ab work that others do.

Here is my start picture (keep in mind that the goal here was not to lose weight!):

Here is my end picture:

I feel like I have gained some muscle tone in the past month and I do feel stronger and healthier, as well.  I have been sleeping great, when B actually lets me sleep. So far I have not gotten the Norovirus and I really haven't so much as had a cold all winter (knocking on wood).  I do feel like I am going to continue on this paleo "lifestyle" (not calling it a diet since I think that it is much more than a diet), with a slightly modified approach to what was prescribed by the CrossFit coaches.

Here is my fitness/diet plan:

• I am going to allow myself to have some breaks when I feel like it.  If I am at a party and there are some good looking cookies or an awesome looking piece of cake, I am going to have some.  
• I am going to try to stay away from refined sugars, for the most part.
• I am going to continue with high protein, but eat less red meat and more fish because I like it better.
• I am going to allow natural sweeteners like honey and maple syrup, in moderation.
• I am going to allow (no sugar added) dried fruit.
• I am going to allow wine, and the occasional micro-brewed IPA because, well, I am obsessed. 
• I am going to stay dairy-free for the most part except adding in some raw milk cheese and some grass-fed butter.
• I am going to stay gluten-free for the most part and allow rice, gluten free oats, etc.
• Staying away from soy.
• I am going to stick with CrossFit 3 days a week.
• I am going to run the remainder of the days, if I feel good, but will take full rest days when I think I need it.

So what is my next goal??  Still looking to get my 5k time under 20 minutes and soon, I'll be starting my NYC Marathon training!

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Wow.  How is it possible that I now the parent to a 9 month old?  Where did the time go?  Yesterday we went to the doctor for his 9 month appointment.  He is now 29 inches and 21 pounds/13 ounces.  He is growing right along the 75th percentile curve, which the doctor was very happy with (especially since he is still mostly breastfed).  I'll give you his stats and then I'll tell you what the doctor said regarding those stats.

Physical
Can sit on his own.
Can go from his back or stomach to a sitting position.
Can pull himself to stand on his own (in his crib or on the ottoman).
Can army crawl backwards.
Can crawl forward one or two times (then gives up and sits).
Likes to use his thumb and first finger to make pinchers to pick up the tiniest things off of the floor.

Non-Verbal
Waves bye-bye when you wave to him.
Reaches for you when you ask if he wants "up".
Turns to look when you say "where is daddy" or "where is the dog/cat".

Verbal
Says "dada" on occasion.
Babbles when he is by himself (in his crib before he goes to sleep or when he gets up).
Screams/grunts/cries when he wants you to pay attention to him.

Food
Still breastfeeding or taking bottles of breast-milk every 3 1/2 -4 hours.
Wakes up at least once a night to breastfeed.
Loves pureed baby food including all veggies and fruits.
Gums baby teething biscuits.
Gags and throws up when eating anything that is semi-solid (bananas, avocado, egg yolks).

Sleep
Takes 1-2 naps a day ranging from 45 min to 2.5 hours.  Totally variable!
Has slept up to 9 hours straight, but averages about 6 hours straight.
Goes to sleep around 6:30 PM, usually.
Wakes up around 7 AM, usually.

Activities
Goes to music class once a week at his pre-school that he will start attending in the summer.
Takes swimming lessons once a week and love it!
Has occasional play-dates with my friend's children, although not enough of them!
Loves reading books before bed.
Loves playing with his toys.
Loves playing peekabo

So I am not sure if this is the picture of a "normal" 9 month old or not.  The doctor told me that she would like to see more in the way of verbal skills by this point although she was ok with the non-verbal.  She told me that if he didn't make a ton of progress by 12 months that she would refer him to early intervention.  I hope that he makes progress in the next 3 months, which seems like a long time to wait if there is an issue, but I guess that is just how things work.  She also told me to start pushing more real food and to continue giving him water in a sippy (which he just pours out all over himself).

I am trying to keep to the assumption that all babies develop at different rates.  What is "normal" for one baby might not be "normal" for another.  It is tough because we live in a society where everyone compares everything to something else.  I guess I'll jut wait it out like they say.  Anyone else have any experience with "delays" such as this in a 9 month old?    

As for the Paleo Challenge, I am still going strong with the diet, although I could really use a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of red wine.  Those cravings have NOT gone away as it was suggested that they would.  I am keeping up with the 2-3 days a week of CrossFit and 3-4 days a week of running, too.  I have also forgotten to pay my car payment, forgotten to pay the electric bill, and screwed up the electronic payment for the mortgage so that they assessed me a late fee and refused to take it off even though I made the payment on time, but the account somehow didn't get set up correctly.  Aye.

One really great thing that happened though, was that I "won" my first race, for the females and got 4th overall!  It was a small race, but still a great ego booster.  I am getting closer to breaking 20 minutes in the 5k!!

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So you may think that since I have not posted in almost a week, that I have fallen off the Paleo Challenge wagon.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  I am still going strong and have not slipped up once.  Rather than go through each of the last days that I missed, individually, I will give you some of the highlights.

I have noticed a few things since being on this pretty restrictive version of the paleo diet (i.e. no honey, dried fruits, maple syrup, etc.) which have included:

• Being more thirsty even though I am drinking a ton more water than usual.
• Being unusually exhausted in the evenings to the point where I have been falling asleep sitting up.
• Sleeping very deeply (when I actually get to sleep).
• Waking up feeling rested even after broken sleep.
• Less general bloat.
• Still craving carbs...namely cereal and crispy/salty items.
• Craving a glass of red wine after dinner.
• Being much less agitated than I was during the first week of this challenge.
• Drinking way more caffeinated coffee than I have since long before I became pregnant and not having it affect me.
• No longer feel like I am developing low blood sugar if I wait too long between meals (i.e. no carbo crash between breakfast and lunch).
• I am spending waaaaaaaaaay more money on food than I ever have in my life.  Our grocery bills have gone up by at least $150 a week to include all organic/grass-fed meats and as much organic produce as possible.
• After a serious tanking in my breast milk supply, I can say with almost complete certainty that it is back to where it was before.  YAY!  This may have to do with the resolution of masitits (and finishing the antibiotics) or with the fact that my body has adjusted to the new diet.  This morning, I pumped 8 ounces!
• We made this meal last night, Beef and Broccoli Stir-Fry over Brussels Sprouts (except with chicken) and it was awesome!  I loooove Brussels Sprouts so why not put more veggies and some lean protein on top and call it a meal?! 

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Wednesday, 1/8/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes, turkey sausage, blueberries/blackberries

Snack
Mixed dry roasted nuts, snow peas & baby carrots

Lunch
Kale and spinach salad with roasted peppers, celery, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers and grilled chicken

Snack
2 clementines, Steve's buffalo chicken jerky

Snack
Sunflower seeds, pistachios

Dinner
Stir fried beef with broccoli and cauliflower rice (from a paleo catering company)

Snack
Paleo apple/pear crisp (sugar-detox)

Exercise
I took the day off from CrossFit today and instead ran 4 miles on the treadmill.  It is tough to schedule days of complete rest while doing CrossFit and running.  I feel like if I miss CrossFit, I am wasting money and if I miss a day of running I will lose my cardiovascular shape.  Ugh.

Life
Saw the funny article in US News and Reports about the Paleo Diet being the worst diet.  Ummm they really think that Slimfast is a better idea?  For real?  Do you know what is in that crap (see below)?  I agree that if you are trying to use it to "diet" in the American sense, then yes, it is a very difficult transition to make.  Cutting out processed carbs cold turkey is pretty terrible.  Almost as bad a cutting a caffeine addiction.  It is also rather expensive and generally takes more time to prepare than a "normal" diet.  If you are using Paleo as a lifestyle instead of a quick fix diet solution then I think it is a great alternative to the crappy American processed food diet.  I will write up a better post on this later on (hopefully if I have time this weekend!), but I felt that I had to mention this incredibly ignorant article.

B was a complete train wreck last night!  He woke up a bunch of times and then had trouble going back to sleep.  I really think his 8th tooth is going to be poking through very soon as his cheeks are very rosy, he is drooling up a storm, and is biting on ANYTHING that he can get his mouth near (including my shoulder).

FAT FREE MILK, WATER, SUGAR, COCOA (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), CANOLA OIL, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, FRUCTOSE, GUM ARABIC, CELLULOSE GEL, MONO AND DIGLYCERIDES, HYDROGENATED SOYBEAN OIL, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, POTASSIUM PHOSPHATE, MALTODEXTRIN, SOY LECITHIN, CELLULOSE GUM, CARRAGEENAN, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, SODIUM BICARBONATE, SUCRALOSE AND ACESULFAME POTASSIUM (NONNUTRITIVE SWEETENERS), SODIUM CITRATE, CITRIC ACID,

MAGNESIUM PHOSPHATE, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, SODIUM ASCORBATE, VITAMIN E ACETATE, ZINC GLUCONATE, FERRIC ORTHOPHOSPHATE, NIACINAMIDE, CALCIUM PANTOTHENATE, MANGANESE SULFATE, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, THIAMIN MONONITRATE, FOLIC ACID, CHROMIUM CHLORIDE, BIOTIN, SODIUM MOLYBDATE, POTASSIUM IODIDE, PHYLLOQUINONE (VITAMIN K1), SODIUM SELENITE, CYANOCOBALAMIN (VITAMIN B12), CHOLECALCIFEROL (VITAMIN D3). SWEETENED WITH NUTRITIVE SWEETENERS AND NONNUTRITIVE SWEETENERS. CONTAINS MILK AND SOY.

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Tuesday, 1/7/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes, turkey sausage, blueberries/blackberries

Snack
Mixed dry roasted nuts, apple sauce

Lunch
Leftover veggie and turkey chili

Snack
Steve’s grass-fed beef jerky, snow peas & baby carrots

Snack
2 clementines

Dinner
Salmon with sautéed spinach and parsnip puree (from a paleo catering company)

Snack
Paleo banana bread (sugar-detox)

Exercise
Went to Crossfit after work and did "Annie" plus a 1000 meter row.  Annie is 50-40-30-20-10 of double-unders and sit-ups.  So basically you do 50 double-unders then 50 sit-ups and work your way down the ladder until you are finished.  I had to seriously scale this workout because I  can't yet do more than 1 or 2 double-unders at a time and because of diastasis recti, I can't do sit-ups.  I did 100-80-60-40-20 of regular jump roaps and 50-40-30-20-10 of plank knees to elbows.  Despite the scaling, the workout still kicked me @$$.  I did NOT run after putting B to bed, but instead put my feet up and watched my DVRed Bachelor episode.  Man do I love that show!  What a train wreck already!

Life
I am starting to feel much better on the paleo diet and don't feel as agitated and hungry as I did the first few days.  Yesterday my milk production was the lowest ever at just 12 oz while I was at work (3 sessions).  Today it was back up to 15.5, which is the lower end of normal for me.  I think a combination of the diet change and the mastitis may have lowered my supply temporarily.  B also has started taking 2 hour naps at mid-day and a shorter cat-nap in the afternoon.  This is producing an overall happier baby.  Yay B!!

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Still catching up!!

Monday, 1/6/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes with turkey sausage, leftover apple/pear crisp, blackberries and blueberries

Snack
Mixed dry roasted nuts

Lunch
Leftover carrots, butternut squash, parsnips and onions with steamed green beans and grilled chicken

Snack
orange, raw snow peas, 2 Steve’s grassfed spinach paleo sticks

Snack
Sunflower seeds, 2 pickles

Dinner
Veggie and turkey chili (This is my special creation!  I will post a recipe soon)

Snack
Paleo banana bread (sugar-detox)

Exercise
Went to Crossfit and did "Fran", which consisted of 21-15-9: thrusters and pull-ups.  I was proud of myself that, despite being scared to death, I did the thusters with 30 lbs instead of 25.  The 5 lbs doesn't seem like a ton of extra weight, I know, but when you are "sprinting" to do 21 in a row, it gets really heavy, really quick.  I used the green band for the pull-ups (which is easier than purple) instead of purple because I knew we had to do 21 in a row.  It was a good choice.  That was a killer!

As if that wasn't punishment enough, after I put the baby to bed when I got home, I ran 3 miles on the treadmill.  I feel like I am in such a great place with running right now that I don't want to stop the momentum.  The beginning of the run was not fun and very slow, but towards the end, I ramped up the pace and finished strong.  Thank you Spotify for supplying me with a great 90s playlist!

Life
My boob feels back to normal, however the bleb (milk blister) is still there and it still hurts.  I am wondering when this will go away.  I feel like I have had it forever!  B did something cool and started waving back when waved to.  It was crazy that he just did it one time when my husband was waving to him.  He is growing up so fast!  Work is a crazy storm right now.  I am in the process of training an entire staff on a new system that I helped to build and test.  Needless to say, I don't have very much time to do anything other than work, parent, eat, and exercise.

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I was supposed to be writing every day for this challenge and I only made it two days.  Sometimes life interferes, I guess.  Now you are all going to get post spammed by me.  :-)

This was from Friday, 1/3/14...

Food
Breakfast
Paleo pumpkin pancakes (did not add the maple syrup and instead added more almond milk and more spices...A MUST TRY, AMAZING!!!)
Bacon
Frozen and heated mixed berries

Snack
Steve's Grass-fed spinach & beef sticks (also a great find)

Lunch
Egg white frittata with tomatoes, onions, peppers, sweet potatoes.

Snack
Homemade baked sweet potato chips with salt/pepper 

Snack
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

Dinner
Spaghetti squash bolognese

Snack
TBSP almond butter w/ apple

Exercise
I did a really crazy CrossFit workout which consisted of 30 burpees in 2 minutes.  Since I completed 30 in 2 minutes I had another 2 minutes to do 30 more burpees.  If I would have gotten that 30 burpees into that second 2 minutes then I would have had 2 more minutes to get in 30 burpees.  Now you probably get it.  I only got through 55 total so I missed getting another 30 burpees by 5 burpees.  Try it sometime if you are bored.  It is way tougher than it sounds.  You have to make sure your chest hits the ground fully, and then you have to jump and clap.

Life
The clogged duct came back and this time with a crazy vengeance.  I was up every few hours that night trying to get the painful, hard, and hot lump out of my right boob.  No success, unfortunately.

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I found a few things out about this Paleo Challenge that I am not especially happy with, but as my husband keeps telling me..."This is for fun".  Apparently the only exercise that counts in this challenge is a CrossFit WOD (workout of the day).  So basically, none of my running counts.  I could sit on the couch and for this contest, it would be scored the same way as not doing a WOD.  Zero points.  For my blog, though, I am counting it as exercise!!

I should probably also let you know about the scoring since you might be confused at what I am talking about here.  This challenge is not without a winner.  The winner gets money, too.

Paleo Challenge RULES
Every day you get a score based on how you follow the Paleo lifestyle.  The winner gets a cut of the money.  There are also a few other prizes for weight/measurement loss and WOD performance gains.

Four Points:  You are a hunter-gatherer.  You eat nothing but meat, veggies, some fruit, nuts and seeds.

Three Points: One time during the day, you had a little something that wasn’t paleo, but wasn’t horrible.  Ex:  Dried fruit, most condiments (bbq, soy sauce, ketchup, mayo, salad dressing), peanuts, hummus, cream in coffee, etc…

Two Points:  You slipped…but didn’t get hurt.  You had a small amount of “not real food”.  Maybe it was a fully paleo day, but you couldn’t resist having a beer at the family BBQ, or you finished your kids’ mac ‘n cheese, but the rest of your day was solid.  Ex:  1 beer/glass of wine, dinner rolls, a handful of fries/chips, rice, etc…

One Point:  Most of your day was paleo, but there was one full meal that you fell off the wagon.  Ex:  Pasta, pizza, more than one soda/juice/alcohol, bag of popcorn, etc…

Zero Points:  You had a bad day and made more than one solid mistake.  Ex:  You had a couple slices of pizza and beer.

BONUS POINTS:
1.  You get one extra bonus point for every day you participate in a WOD (at any affiliate).
2.  You can get an additional bonus point for every night you sleep more than eight hours.
3.  You get one extra bonus point for every day that you take fish oil.

Pretty safe to say that I will always get at least 3 points a day.  Haha.  Ok so now on to my day #2...

Food
Breakfast
1 cup heated frozen peaches
2 slices egg white frittata (from "Against All Grain" cookbook with: tomatoes, shredded sweet potato, onion, peppers, ground 93% lean ground turkey)

Snack
Small cup almonds, macadamias

Lunch
Kale & spinach salad (with: 4oz grilled chicken, peppers, carrots, cucumbers, celery, olives, lemon juice/olive oil)

Snack
Orange
Homemade plantain chips (fried in organic coconut oil)

Snack
1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

Dinner
Center cup pork chop with roasted cauliflower (garlic/lemon/EVOO) and sautéed kale (red onion, chx broth)

Snack
TBSP almond butter

Exercise
Yesterday I did the WOD, but scaled since I am still new to CrossFit.  It was "Barbara", which when done full scale, includes 20 pull-ups, 30 push-ups, 40 sit-ups, 50 air squats...TIMES 5.  So basically, the whole workout need to be done 5 times in a row with a mandatory 3 minute rest after each round.  I did half of the workout, which was still really hard.  10 pull-ups, 15 push-ups, 20 sit-ups, 25 air squats...TIMES 5.  I used the purple band (which was much harder than the purple and green bands together that I used the first time I did pull-ups).  I also modified the push-ups to be on my knees, which is till very hard.  I also had to modify the sit-ups due to my ab separation so I did plank knees to elbows.  I was dizzy when I was done, but I am proud that I did that.  CrossFit is a total ass-kicker.

Life
For the most part I felt good, physically, yesterday.  No afternoon bloating, which is great.  I didn't get 8 hours of sleep the previously night though.  Maybe 6 total, broken, hours?  I also think my supply might be going down.  I pumped a record low 12.5 oz in 3 pumping sessions yesterday.  My right, which has been the producer, has slowed production since my plugged duct and now the left is producing more, but not as much as the right used to produce.  So weird.

We had to weigh in before the WOD yesterday and I was only 115 lbs with sneakers on.  Wow, I can't remember the last time that I was 115 (maybe right at the start of my pregnancy with B when I couldn't eat anything?).  I am wondering if this is why my supply is down.  I am going to try to eat more today.

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The last time I seriously ran, since starting again post-baby, was in the winter of 2010.  The year of 2010 had been "my year"; the best year of running in my life.  I had gotten my 5k time down below 21 minutes (fastest being 20:51) and had gotten several first place age group finishes in local races.  I was running 35-40 miles a week and I felt great.  I was doing lots of structured runs, intervals, progressions, tempos, long runs.  It was great.  Life was good.  I don't think I had an ounce of body fat (ok, maybe an ounce).  

At the beginning of 2011, I started dialing back my training to around 30 miles a week and started getting "healthy" in preparation for pregnancy.  At that time, I had no idea how hard it was going to be for me to actually have a baby.  When I got pregnant so easily the first time, I had visions of jogging until 40 weeks and then getting into race shape the following summer.  We all know that those plans went to shit.  No one plans for a miscarriage.

Instead of continuing running, I cut way back after my first miscarriage and stopped racing.  I thought maybe my high intensity workouts had somehow caused my miscarriages.  Well apparently cutting back more, didn't help and I had another miscarriage.  Even though my doctor said the running wasn't what was causing my miscarriages, I still continued scaling back until I was barely running at all.  Ummm yeah then I had another miscarriage, at which time I was urged by various individuals (psychologists, acupuncturists, family members, & friends) to STOP running at all.  So I listened to them, thinking that they must be right.  I gained about 10 lbs and lost all of my cardiovascular shape and any muscular definition that I had left after scaling back so much.  Friends, I was miserable.  Mentally.  Physically.

Running has been a huge part of my life.  I started running when my parents moved me out of state junior year.  I joined the cross-country team to make friends and partially because my mom forced me to do at least 1 sport.  Since I wasn't very coordinated, I decided running would be my best bet.  I took to it pretty easily, although I could have tried a whole heck of a lot harder and been a lot better (in hindsight).  I liked running so much that I did track that spring.  Senior year of high school, I was the captain of both the cross-country and track teams.  Finally, something I was decent at that I liked!

During college I didn't run as much as I should because I was either partying or hungover (freshman year) or working (sophomore-senior year).  I ran to run off stress and to try to shed the several pounds that I gained from drinking so much freshman year.

After college, I started running more for exercise and to stay in shape.  At first I ran mostly outside because I couldn't afford a gym membership.  Then once my (now) husband and I got established and could afford the gym, I ran at the gym in addition to cross-training.  

In 2006, when my Dad passed away unexpectedly, I ran to stay sane.  I was sad, angry, and  confused.  Somehow, running helped me understand everything.  I would be pissed at the world, strap on my sneakers, and figure everything out while pounding the pavement.

I ran so much after my Dad died, that I decided that I could run a marathon.  I ran one marathon and then another from 2007-2008  I was logging a ton of miles.  I started getting burned out.  It was around this time that I started getting hurt.  Shin splints turned into a stress fracture.  I got runner's knee and then patella tendinitis.  I went to physical therapy.  I was told I had flat feet and got orthotics.  Then I got piriformis syndrome.  I was a mess.  My body was tired and broken down.  I took a break before starting back up after getting married.

In mid-2008 I started actually training again.  I started attending various running programs with a well known local coach.  He was awesome.  I made some really great friends and got better at running.  I changed my shoes and stopped always wearing seriously structured shoes and wore lighter weight shoes for shorter and faster runs.  By 2010, I was in awesome shape and, as mentioned, had my best year.

2011 through mid-2013 happened.  The good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly.  The body that I was left with in April was the epitome of out-of-shape.  Running was so hard.  At first running even for a minute left me completely exhausted and feeling defeated.  My body felt foreign and loose, like my organs (and boobs) were bouncing around.  Totally gross.  I started gradually increasing the length of my intervals until I was running a mile without stopping.  Then I started gradually adding incremental amounts of distance until I was running 3 miles at about a 10 minute per mile pace.  Depressing, yes, but better than not being able to run at all.

Once I got back to about 3 miles, I did something I shouldn't have and I started running with the baby in the B.O.B.  He was under the recommended age, but had good head/neck control.  I bolstered him with rolled up towels and ran only on smooth surfaces.  Running with that jogging stroller made my challenging 3 mile runs even more challenging.

Once I got comfortable with 3 mile distances I decided to do the next logical thing, train and run for a half-marathon.  Ha ha.  I'm obviously kidding.  Who does that, right?  Jumps from 3 miles, 4 months post baby to a half?  This girl, that's who.  I slowly worked my way back up to 10-12 mile runs with 2-3 other shorter & faster runs mid-week and ran that half-marathon in 1:46 (8:05 pace).

It was then that the race bug bit me, again, and I decided to start running some shorter races and work on my speed.  Between the half-marathon and now, I have run two other races, a 5 mile and a 5k.  I have shocked myself in those races.  The 5 mile I finished in 35:38 (7:08 pace), this was not far off from my 5 mile PR of 35:37 (ha one sec, but who's counting right?).  I finished my 5k in 20:59 (6:49 pace), which is not far from my PR of 20:51.

So what am I doing that has caused me to get so fast, so quickly?  Pretty much by doing everything that you aren't supposed to do.

-Running 3-5 miles at a time,4 days a week at the most, equaling less than 20 miles a week.
-Running most runs at an 8:30-9 min pace.
-Running mostly on the treadmill at zero incline.
-Not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, consecutively, each night.
-Doing CrossFit 2-3 days a week.
-Being lucky to get in the proper amount of calories because I am always running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

While I was running in my last 5k race, I started to feel pain around 2.5 miles.  My legs felt heavy and my chest ached from breathing the cold air so rapidly.  I thought to myself, "This is nothing".  Compared to all of the crap I went through to get a sticky pregnancy.  All the crap that I went through during pregnancy, labor and delivery.  All the crap that I went through immediately following the birth of B.  Now that was real pain.  Running fast, pushing myself up and down hills and across a finish line...pssssh.  That is nothing compared to what I have put my body through over the past 2 years.

So to anyone who is thinking that they will never get back to where they were before they had a baby...it might not necessarily be true.  In fact, you might be able to come back and be better and stronger with less training (intensity/volume).  Mental toughness is half the battle and friends, many or you have been through the ringer.  Our bodies may not look exactly the same.  They may not feel the same.  We may have scars and changes that we don't necessarily love, but we have fought through, persevered and we have won.  Now we can whoop everyone's butts out on the race course.

Anyone else find that they are in better shape, post-infertility/loss/baby?

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If you have been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I've talked about CrossFit several times and usually not in a positive light.  Back when I first found out I was pregnant, my husband told me about this Groupon he had bought to do the Foundation level class at a local Crossfit facility.  I thought nothing of it.  He'll go to these two weeks of class and then go back to his regular routine at the gym because, well, we can't afford a $150 a month gym membership for one person.

Imagine my surprise when he told me that he was joining that "box" (that is what they call a gym in the Crossfit world).  I was deep in my hormone induced pregnancy haze when I realized that my picture of who did CrossFit, huge muscle-headed guys, was actually incorrect and over half of the members were young, cute girls.  Yeah, I wasn't too happy about that, especially because I was so out of shape and knew there was no possibility of me getting back into shape for many months.

So yeah, my husband joined the "box" and started doing competitions, and to my subconscious dismay, started placing in them.  He soon became the most in-shape version of himself that I (and probably he) have ever known and I became (almost) the most jealous version of myself that I have ever known.  He started getting very serious about NEVER missing workouts, not drinking alcohol, and he started eating a fairly strict paleo diet.  No more potatoes, rice, flour, or sugar in our house.  I am a baker.  I am a healthy baker, but a baker just the same.  Screw paleo.

Even more upsetting and annoying to me was that fact that all he wanted to talk about was CrossFit.  He listened to pod-casts about it and talked to his CrossFit friends about it.  "Oh I crushed that WOD in under 5 minutes!" or "I RXed that clean and jerk, did you?".  Then he would try to talk to me about it and I had no idea how challenging doing 100 burpees in 5 minutes was.  I didn't really care either, I was worried about birthing a healthy baby.

Once I had the baby, things just seemed to keep getting worse with regards to CrossFit.  I was tired, frumpy, out of shape, dealing with crazy post-pregnancy hormones, and stressed out over a baby that spit up after every feeding. Meanwhile, my husband was going to CrossFit 5 plus days a week, was in super-duper good shape, and was hanging out with people who eat-breathe-sleep CrossFit.  Recipe for disaster, my friends.

My husband and I ended up training for an running a half-marathon in the month of October.  It helped us connect and helped me get back into shape.  I impressed myself with my time (1:46), which made me eager to start training for more races and to bring my times down even more.  I bought a treadmill and stuck it in my basement.  That way I'd get to see my baby every day after work and then I could run once he hit the hay.  PERFECT.

I thought this would be my new workout routine until my husband suggested that I complete the entry level class at the new CrossFit gym that his friend opened.  He even said that he would foot the crazy $180 bill.  I will have to admit that I really didn't want to do it, but he did go out of his comfort zone to run a half marathon with me and I did totally kick his ass.  Lifting weights is NOT my thing though and, due to my diastasis recti (that has improved tremendously), there are still quite a few types of ab workouts that I can't do.  Plus, CrossFit just doesn't interest me in the slightest.  If I have time, I'd rather run.  Plain and simple.

I sucked it up and agreed to sign up and do the two week class to secretly prove to him that it wasn't my thing.  The first class was awkward.  I didn't know anyone (other than my husband's friend), but it seemed like everyone else there knew someone else.  Most of the girls looked like they were in better shape than me with the exception of one older lady who looked like she hadn't gotten off the couch in several years (she ended up quitting after the first night).  Of course I compared myself to everyone and got upset at myself at the end of the night because I was one of the last people to finish the baseline workout of 500 meter row, 40 squats, 30 sit-ups (I did a plank variation), 20 push-ups, and 10 pull-ups (assisted with a green rubber band).  Even the older out of shape looking lady did better than me, allegedly.  I was embarrassed to write my time on the huge white board.  

Not getting into all of the details of the classes, I will sum it up by saying that I ended up going to all six of the classes and finishing the program.  I am now "allowed" to go to regular classes, which kind of scares me.  Do I even want to?  The jury is still out.  There are some good and bad things that I noticed when doing the entry class.  I'll start with the good and then get to the not so good...

The Good

1.  The people in my class seemed normal and not "cult-like".  They wore Lulu Lemon and Nike (like me), not all Reebok with bight colors and knee socks, like most CrossFitters wear.  Maybe that is because they just haven't been doing it long enough?  A few of the girls also had young kids so we had stuff to talk about besides working out.  Mommies are mommies, first (I hope).

2.  The workouts were challenging and I feel like I could get into overall better shape by doing classes a few times a week.

3.  The coach was good.  He was motivating and understanding.  He seems like he knows his stuff.  He was willing to work with me and help me scale my workouts due to my ab exercise restrictions.

4.  I don't mind paleo anymore, 80% of the time.  We pretty much eat a paleo diet now with the exception of me eating oatmeal cereal for breakfast (breastfeeding) and the occasional non-GMO verified corn chip.  I still don't eat any soy or dairy.  I think this is good enough.

5.  The "box" is nice and new.  It is really close to my house.

6.  Now I can understand what my husband it talking about when he says he says he did an AMRAP of wall-balls for 9 minutes.  I know how much that would totally suck now.  We can have a conversation about the day's WOD and I don't glaze over completely because I may (or may not) have done the same thing.

The Not So Good

1.  You have to workout on a schedule and they would like you to go 3 days in a row and then rest one day.  Sometimes I can't go to a 5 PM class or a 7 PM class and there is a high probability that I can't go to a class every day (especially since my husband already goes 10 times a week).  I have a baby and his schedule isn't the same from day-to-day.  Sometimes I need to workout at 5:30 PM or 6:45 PM.  Can't do that with CrossFit.

2.  People cheat.  This is something that shouldn't bother me, but does.  When they give you a workout (like the baseline one above) they ask you do time yourself and then write the time down on the board.  No one is counting your reps or making sure that you have proper form and, while I didn't watch people working out because I was too busy trying not to die, I would be quite surprised if the older lady actually did beat me.  My husband tried to tell me that I should measure myself against myself...kind of hard for a competitive, type-A person like me.  People write down times that are less than they actually were or don't do all the exercises correctly or the right amount.  Annoying.

3.  Weightlifting is not my thing.  Lots of the workouts have a strength component that works on Olympic types of lifts.  I have zero interest in this and I don't want to become a female body builder.  Enough said.

4.  CrossFit is all about abs and core and my ab situation sucks.  I will probably never be able to do real sit-ups again like I could before I had B.  Even though my diastasis has closed to 2 fingers, doing sit-us, toes-to-bar, and v-ups is going to cause it to open right back up.  I used to kill sit-ups and I liked doing them.  Now I can't do them and have to scale every workout that contains them.  People look at me like I am cheating or something.  If I am going to do something I want to do it all the way.  No half-assing for me.

5.  I am realizing just how out of shape I still am, and folks, it ain't pretty.  This obviously doesn't have to do directly with CrossFit, but I feel like I need to wear a shirt that says I had a baby 7 months ago and I used to be in good shape.  I hate being the worst.  I am used to being one of the more in-shape people in a group.              

So am I going to drink the kool-aid and officially join CrossFit?  I'm not sure yet.  I just don't know that it is going to work for me time-wise or fitness goal-wise.  I am first and foremost a mommy and secondly a runner.  I don't want to cut out running workout for CrossFit ones.  I do want to get in better shape and look and feel better about myself than I do now.  I guess time will tell on this one.  More to come...    

Also here is a pic of the ab situation I speak of, regularly.  I am down below my pre-pregnancy weight, but still have this to contend with.  My arch-nemesis.

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