**WARNING- LONG POST AHEAD**
The weekend was going so well, too...
On Sunday, my husband and I decided to hit the beach early since the forecast called for showers in the afternoon. The sun was shining and it was quite warm, but there was a great breeze off the water. I was set up with the latest edition of Glamour (don't judge) and my husband with his Kind.le, just relaxing by the water's edge. Then I had to open my big mouth and that is where things started to go bad.
A lovely day at the beach gone bad :-(
Earlier that day, I had decided that I was going to work remotely today so that I could leave a little earlier for tonight's group therapy session. While I was sitting there peacefully reading my magazine, I remembered that I had rescheduled acupuncture for today at 11:30 AM. I had already rescheduled this appointment several times and while I was sitting there thinking, it occurred to me that I might be doing too much at this point in time and that it might be time to cut something out. After all, the point of acupuncture or the therapy group is not to cause more stress, but to alleviate it. I said (out loud) that I might put acupuncture on hold for a while until my therapy group was completed. My husband shook his head and uttered the words "you are crazy" with a sarcastic chuckle.
It was at this point that things started to take a turn for the worst. Hearing those 3 words put me into a tailspin and I started running my mouth. We argued about my many (and varying) infertility related endeavors that I have undertaken recently and how they were or were not helping. Ultimately, the fight ensued because I wanted his support of my temporary cancellation of acupuncture and he gave me the exact opposite response that I was looking for. He thought I should go because, like many of my other ventures, I started something and did not seen it through to the end. How could I know that it was helping me or not, he argued. I hated to admit that he was right.
At one point in the conversation when I was talking, I noticed he was looking past me. I turned around to see a woman walking toward us with her humongous breasts literally falling out of her bathing suit. I lost it and made a comment that since we were having a serious conversation I'd appreciate if he would not stare at that woman's boobs and pay attention to me when I was talking. I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back. He promptly put down his Kind.le and said he was taking a walk so I could cool off.
While he was gone I thought about things. I thought about how much I have changed in the past year and how miserable and unrecognizable I was to even myself. By the time he got back I had cooled off enough to start the conversation again. I apologized for acting crazy and told him that I really didn't like myself right now and so I would understand if he didn't like me either. As I heard the words come out of my mouth, the honest truth, I started crying. There I was sobbing in the middle of the crowded beach with who knows how many people staring at me. What a train wreck. I couldn't help it. The tears just kept coming. I told him having a baby is the ONLY thing that I think about and I would love to stop and just start living my life like I had before. I told him that I wished we could go back a year when TTC was exciting and new. I told him I missed running and that I wanted my life back.
Somehow we approached the topic of next steps with everything because I was was basically dumping my brain of all of the TTC clutter amidst the tears. I told him that I worried what we would do if the Femara didn't work. He said he worried that my anxiety about next steps was fueled by the fact that he didn't want to do IVF. He said he thought that this was what I wanted now, if he would comply.
The truth is, I do worry that if these less invasive treatment methods don't work that we will be that unhappy childless couple. Do I personally want to do IVF? No. I really don't want to put myself through the medications, the shots, the countless blood draws, the ultrasounds, and the doctor's appointments. If the doctor told me that was our last resort would I do it? Maybe. I don't know. How long will we go on like this though? How long can I stay on Femara? Will we try IUI (I don't think he is 100% opposed to that)? Will we just go off all meds, cross our fingers, and hope for the best? I mentioned to him that these are the thoughts that are constantly running circles in my brain.
We ended up agreeing to see at least one more Femara cycle (with monitoring from my RE). After that we are most likely going to take a break from the meds for at least 1 or 2 cycles. We also agreed that much of our stress is due to the fact that we have not taken a vacation together since Europe last April (before all the TTC madness started). We decided to be irresponsible (because we still can be) and take Friday off work and head to Florida for a nice little unplanned getaway. True, I will be missing one of my group therapy sessions, a day of work when I am so busy, and the girls night out with the "band-aid" friend, but I think that we both need this (ok, you got me, I am not sad about missing the girls night). Just the two of us.
So now I just have to get through this week. I decided to come in to work today and attend my acupuncture appointment. My husband was right, I think I do need to continue this at least for a little while longer. I think I just got down last month when I thought about the $225 spent on acupuncture treatments that did not end up getting me pregnant. I am so thankful for my husband, though. Even though we have arguments that sometimes get rather ugly, we always talk them out and move forward.
More deep breaths...
share this on » |
{Facebook} |
{Twitter} |
{Pinterest} |
