There is a guy that I pass during my walk to work on most mornings.  He sweeps the sidewalk outside one of the buildings.  All of the trash that ends up there, all of the cigarette butts, and all of the dirt and dust, he sweeps it up.  I am sure that you are thinking, such a shitty job, right?  You would think that this guy was just hating on life because he sees people pass him every day wearing nice suits, carrying their $4 lattes, and hustling to get to their high-profile & high-paying jobs.  The crazy thing is that he isn't unhappy or at least he isn't letting on that he is unhappy.  With a bounce in his step, he sweeps up all of the garbage, and while he is doing this he is smiling and whistling.  The whistling, which is quite pleasant to hear, is magnified as it echos off of the tall buildings in the vicinity.  As you walk by, he'll tip his head to you as if to say good morning or buck-up, friend.  It is impossible to walk by him and not have your mood elevated...just a little.

This guy clearly has much less than me, at least in the physical sense, and yet he still has a smile on his face every day.  I am sure that I make several times more money than he does, live in a nicer house, drive a nicer car, eat better food, go on nicer vacations, and just generally have a much "cushier" existence.  Am I happier?  No.  I'm not.  In fact, I am 100% positive that I am much angrier, resentful, judgmental, hateful, anxious, and ungrateful for everything that I have than he is with what he has.

On my walk to work today, with angry tears in my eyes, I decided that this has to stop.  I cannot continue living my life with such a bad attitude.  I am ruining my relationship with my husband, with my family, with my friends, and with my co-workers.  The smallest little things send me into a tailspin of anger.  For example, yesterday was what I would consider a "very bad weather day".  There were extremely high winds, snow, and cold temperatures, which are no fun in general.

Me- Already in a bad mood just watching the weather forecast.  

Add on the fact that we have been having this type of weather for 4-5 months at this point.  Add the fact that I was up all night with a crying baby.  Add the fact that I had to get up at 4:40 AM.  Add the fact that I hate all of my clothes because they outline the fact that my stomach still looks like I have a small baby bump.  Add the fact that my train was delayed more than 30 minutes, leaving me to stand on the platform, freezing.  Add the fact that they still collected full fare on the late train even though it was packed so full and there were no seats.  Add the fact that when I got to SBUX to get my coffee, there was a long line because I was so late...

Me- Get to work in an extremely bad mood which sets the tone for the rest of my day and how it would go.

Add on the fact that a co-worker decided to take it upon himself to have a conversation with my boss (on my behalf) because of a conversation we had where I had been flipping out about an email that she had sent and she was subsequently upset with me.  Add on the fact that when I got home I had to clean my house, which was a mess after being out of town the previous week and my husband had not so much as attempted to clean, because we were having a Realtor over.  Add the fact that I snapped at my husband about said lack of cleaning.  Add the fact that I was annoyed that I didn't have time to exercise.  Add the fact that I didn't get to eat dinner until 8:30 PM and didn't get to shower until 9 PM.  Add the fact that as soon as my head hit the pillow, an hour later than normal, the baby woke up screaming and only wanting mommy.

Me- Go to bed angry.     

You get where I am going with this, right?  Basically, everything that happened yesterday was one big fat ball of angry.  Nothing was good.  Everything sucked.  Wah, wah, wah.  Poor me.  This super-negative mentality has been feeding into every single part of my life lately.  As I was laying there trying to fall asleep last night, I was dwelling on the bad, the sad, and the ugly.  I didn't even think about any of the good that came out of yesterday:  Even though the train was standing room only, I ended up with a seat when someone got off at the next stop.  I finished a large task at work, presented it to my boss, and thoroughly impressed her.  I found out that a place right near my work has excellent coffee.  The baby fell asleep, peacefully, right at 6:45 PM.  The Realtor's first impressions of our house were extremely positive and she actually said that we had made a great investment.    

I am not sure if the key to creating a more positive outlook on life is to figure out what the cause of the anger is so that I can resolve it or if its is to forget about figuring out why (and therefore making excuses) and just focus on how you can improve your attitude.  I have thought about going back to a therapist because it was nice to have a sounding board for my problems.  The therapist was someone that had to listen to me bitch about my husband, my family, my job, my friends, my life, etc.  A captive audience.  The thing is, I know that I have a bad attitude and I don't necessarily want to indulge myself in hour long sessions of spilling my guts to a stranger about what I am annoyed with and/or angry about on any given day.  I am getting incredibly annoyed with myself (if that is even possible).

I want to start making a concerted effort to become more positive.  I want to be a positive force for my son.  I want to be a more positive presence for my husband.  I want to be more positive influence on my friends and family.  Even more important though, I want to be positive for myself.  I have one life.  This is it.  You know what?  It is a good one.  I am so lucky to have so much and to be so blessed.  So many people in this world would give anything to have my "problems" and sources of anger.  I have turned into a bitching, moaning, self-entitled, brat (for lack of a better word) and it has got to stop.  STOP.  RIGHT.  HERE.  RIGHT.  NOW.

We all have bad days and sometimes things don't go the way that we planned them out in our heads.  Such is life.  It is what we make of it.  We can choose to wake up each day with a scowl or a smile on our face.  We can focus on the negative or the positive.  It is up to us.

That whistling building maintenance man doesn't know it, but he very may well have have changed my life...for the better.

Today is sunny.  It isn't as cold and it isn't as windy.  My train was slightly delayed, but in the scheme of things, who cares?  I still got to work, safely.  Today is going to be a good day.
 

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Before you get excited and defensive, the title of this post doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about my baby compared to yours, which is why it is in quotes.  Both of our babies are super fabulous, cute, and awesome.  Now that we have cleared that up, I'll start in on the post and the reason for the title.

During my years TTC and through the many miscarriages that I endured, the BBC (B.aby C.enter) website has helped me navigate some tough times.  When I was TTC, I used it to understand more about how to get pregnant.  When I had my first miscarriage, I found a great support group that I am still a part of this day (and have even met some of the ladies in it!).  When I was having issues keeping babies, I was referred to FF (F.ertility F.riend) to track my cycles, which took me to a whole different level of TTC knowledge.  When I finally became pregnant with B, I never joined but constantly read the posts from the April 2013 Birth Club.  When I thought my pregnancy was going wacky, I would no sooner than jump to the Birth Club page and find someone with a wackier pregnancy than mine.  It made me feel so much better.  All in all, BBC has provided me a knowledge, support, and entertainment for the past 2 1/2 years and for that I am extremely grateful (even though I am not a fan of their owners, Johnson & Johnson...barf).

Now that I have B, BBC has become my late night breastfeeding entertainment.  What else am I going to do at 2 in the morning other than read about how someone else's baby ate bananas for the first time and then had a green diaper which was evidenced in the post with a lovely picture?  Yes, this might make me a total loser for reading this crap, but it keeps me awake when I need to be and often provides me with a chuckle or something to chat with my husband about over dinner.

Yesterday, while perusing the halls of the April Birth Club, I happened to notice that there was a whole post dedicated to April babies and their accomplishments.  Yes, in case you didn't know it, babies in the age range of 6 months (plus or minus 2 weeks) should have already completed a long list of things on their "to-do" list.  This accomplishments list sparked my interest so I started casually scrolling through it.  The first thoughts that came to my mind were, "Holy $#!t, my baby is so far behind the other April babies" and then it was "Holy $#!t, my baby is huge compared to these peanuts".  Some of the things that the April mommies boast that there babies can do are as follows (in no particular order):

• "pulls himself up to a stand"
• "tries to walk"
• "started crawling at 5 months"
• "started saying mama and dada"
• "likes to drink water from a cup"
• "mimics sounds and words" 

I could keep going, but I'll stop.  the thread seemed like a total contest of my baby is more advanced than your baby.  With each post, it seemed like people were trying to out do one another.  I guess it is possible that these people have super advanced babies, but really, trying to walk?! Then I thought about the things that baby B is doing right now (at 5 3/4 months), which I had thought were great, and started to get worried that he is behind:

• "sitting almost completely unassisted" (will fall over if he is tired, so we sit him in the Boppy just in case)
• "has rolled in both directions, but doesn't do it frequently"
• "screams at a high pitch and babbles nonsense"
• "reaches for his toes"
• "reaches for toys, grabs them, then throws them at the floor as hard as he can"
• "jumps in the jumper" (he loves that thing)
• "smiles and laughs"
• "has 2 bottom teeth" (the only thing I think he is "advanced" with)
• "stands when completely supported"

If you are reading this and thinking that I am nuts, you have right to think so.  Most likely I am (but if you are only just realizing that now then I would be extremely surprised :-).  I wonder how many other new (or even not so new) mommies have similar concerns to mine and how you dealt with them.  Did any of you have kids trying to walk at ~6 months?  Is that for real?

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Even though I saw my therapist on Tuesday, I am still stuck in this awful rut.  Tuesday, as it turned out, was a great day for me.  I worked from home, I ate perfectly 3 hours spaced apart, I didn't test (at the allowance of the Endocrinologist), and I walked for 40 minutes on the treadmill.  This might have been why my session with the therapist didn't include any crying or breaking down.  I was feeling great.

Yesterday was a different story.  My fasting and 1 hour post-breakfast numbers were ok/good, 90 & 98 respectively.  I think I at least have the breakfast thing down.  Two links of organic turkey sausage, two pieces of low-carb whole grain bread, toasted, with all natural chunky peanut butter, and a cup of N.ewman's Own Organic Special Decaf coffee.  It is satisfying and easy.

Lunch was a different story.  We had baked a pork tenderloin the night before with ratatouille (roasted eggplant, onion, summer squash, and green/red peppers) and baked/chopped sweet potatoes so I brought that for lunch.  I had carefully measured out portions and counted the carbs.  An hour after eating that for lunch my number was 147, when it should be under 140 and ideally under 120.  Damn you sweet potatoes.  Guess that is another healthy food I just can't have for the next few months.  After this setback, my mood started to decline.

I didn't get to the gym yesterday and because it was only about 10 degrees Fahrenheit, I barely walked at all.  I don't think this helped me out.  Work was also stressful.  My boss kept calling over to me every half hour to whine and complain about the system I just delivered her.  Can you say...driving me crazy?!  Every time I would hear her say my name, I think my blood pressure would go up.

Last night I didn't feel like cooking, plus we didn't really have anything to cook, so I suggested Chinese/Japanese.  There is a place by us that we go to that has "diet" selections that I like.  Grilled chicken with mixed veggies and brown rice works for my carb/protein ratio.  I had that a few weeks back and tested fine afterwards.  My husband wasn't in the mood, but he obliged me nonetheless.  I called and ordered.  The person taking my order had extremely broken English.  This worried me.

My husband went to pick up the food and as we sat down to eat, I realized that they gave me the wrong food.  They gave me the chicken with mixed veggies in some unidentified type of sweet white sauce.  It looked (and tasted) totally gross.  This threw me into a tailspin and of course brought on the waterworks.  Frustration, anger, annoyance, hunger...it was all coming together at once and was once again, too much for me and my pregnancy hormones to handle.  I completely lost it.  I went to the freezer where I found a bag of frozen shrimp stir fry.  I angrily measured out my small one and a half cup portion and threw it in the pan.  I was seriously ready to smash something.

I ate that with a half cup of brown rice.  It was well under my carb limit of 45g (I think it was around 35g).  Unfortunately my fucked up body decided to throw another one at me and give me a 145, 1 hour after dinner, which was my worst post dinner reading by far.  Normally that is my lowest of the day.  I guess I didn't have enough protein?  I don't know. It was just too much.  I was still hungry and tired and I didn't want to wait up another hour and a half for my number to go down so that I could have a snack.  I said fuck it and I just went to bed.  It was just too much for me to handle.

As I laid in bed last night I felt the baby moving around and kicking.  It makes me sad because I am not enjoying pregnancy like I thought I would.  I cried myself to sleep.

I am worried about going out of town this weekend to MIL's and next week my husband and I are supposed to go on a mini-babymoon to see our favorite band play.  We are staying in a hotel for 3 nights.  How am I going to be able to eat what I need to eat on a schedule?  Rather than being excited for the babymoon, like I was a few weeks back, it is stressing me out.  I don't even want to go anymore.

I have been having some thoughts lately about my miscarriages and have been tying them back to this whole situation.  Was the fact that my body was aborting pregnancies on its own trying to send me the message that my body never wanted to be or should have gotten pregnant?  Did I force my body to do something that it didn't think it was capable of handling by taking meds to sustain a pregnancy?  Did I mess myself up for good?

I am not quite sure what to do at this point.  I think I am going to call my MFM doctor today and have them put me on meds.  I really hate taking anything else, but I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I am hurting the baby more by letting my body go uncontrolled like this or if the medicine will hurt him.  I feel like either way, I lose and so does my baby.

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As I mentioned earlier, this past (extended) weekend was my crazy cookie making weekend.  This was also combined with registering at B.abies R Us on Saturday with my awesome friend who drove several hours to give me some amazing seasoned advice (if you are reading this...thank you again!!).  The whole registering process only took us 2 hours.  


Back to the cookies...  After registering on Saturday I got home around 5 PM and made 4 different types of doughs.  On Sunday, I took the dog for a 3 mile walk, went to the grocery store, made several more doughs and then started some baking and candy making.  I called it a night around 9 PM when my eyes started shutting.  Yesterday, I spent all day from 8 AM-9 PM in the kitchen.  Baking, candy making, frosting, and decorating.  Not to mention that I also put together 12 gift bags, with cookie lists and bows, for my colleagues and friends.  I also made up a few larger boxes for my husband and I to take to work and for my family members.

My feet were throbbing, my back was aching, and I was just generally exhausted last night.  I took a shower, which helped a little and was getting ready to wind down and turn in when I noticed some brown discharge/blood when I wiped.  Of course, I immediately freaked out.  I have not had any type of spotting during this pregnancy and I was happy about that.  Shit.

Of course I G.oogled.  To my surprise, I found mostly benign things related to my minor episode so I relaxed a little.  I did get out the Doppler and found my little guy with no problem.  I also could feel him kicking, so that helped, too.  I drank some water and went to bed.

This morning I woke up to no more brown on the toilet paper.  I felt a little bit better, but I am still going to call the doctor at 8 AM when then open.  I am guessing that they will want me to come in, but I guess I'll see for sure in a few minutes.  I am thinking i over-did it the past few days.  I am so tired and last night I really didn't sleep well.  We are going away this weekend, too, so the holiday hustle and bustle continues.  We have a Christmas tree, but have been too busy to even decorate it.

UPDATE: Called and talked to the nurse who said that since I am A Positive and it is brown and I have no pain that they are not concerned.  They said to call if anything changes (i.e. the blood changes to red or pink or I start having pain) and to take it easy.  Easier said than done!

Double-chocolate cookie bars.

My counter, taken over by Tupperware containers.

The finished project.

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I haven't been using the Doppler as much as I was a few weeks ago.  Now that I can feel the baby move pretty regularly I haven't felt the need to use it as much, but last night I decided that I wanted to take a listen. I laid down on my bed and squirted the gel on my stomach.  I put the wand down in the usual spot (to the bottom left of my belly button) and started scanning.  I would hear him for a minute and then he would move away.  I could hear kicks and punches and heart echos every couple seconds, but I had a touch time actually  getting the heart to register.

I squirted some more gel on the right side of my stomach and continued searching.  I found something that sort of sounded like the heartbeat, but it was kind of troubling.  It would go "thump, thump, thump, skip, thump, thump, thump, skip".  It sounded like an irregular heartbeat.  I listened a little longer to see if it would go back to normal, but no dice, only "thump, thump, thump, skip".  I totally freaked out and ran to the computer to consult with Dr. G.oogle.  Of course, we all know that this is a terrible idea under any circumstance, but sometimes we just have out freak-out moments.

The things that I found through Dr. G.oogle, were of course 1/2 reassuring and 1/2 troubling.  I left the consultation feeling sad and helpless.  The only thing that made me feel a little better was that for the first time, while I was searching for the heartbeat with the Doppler, I saw the baby kick from the outside.  That was cool.  I know he is alive in there.  I also have a monthly appointment with MFM tomorrow, which was another thing that made me feel better.  At least I could mention it to them so they could check it out.

I went down and tried to cook dinner, but all I could think about was my poor little baby with an irregular heartbeat.  After I finished prepping dinner and had put it in the oven, I decided that I was going to take one last try at the Doppler.  I am a sadist I guess?

I squirted the gel, and put down the wand.  This time I put it a little lower than last time, off to the left side.  Right away I found that familiar sound.  This time, I could detect no irregularity and the Doppler registered about 140, which is what I usually see.  I listened for a few seconds and everything seemed normal again.  Then he kicked really hard at the Doppler so I saw that as my cue to turn it off.  Phew.  I felt so much better, but came to the realization that I should probably put the Doppler away.  It was awesome when the baby was smaller and I could not feel him kick.  I rarely had trouble finding him.  Now, I have so many different noises going on in there...the placenta, the umbilical cord, the baby, me, etc.  I have no idea if I really picked up the baby before or not.  Maybe that was something else?  Either way, I am going to fess up to the doctor tomorrow and tell him about my Doppler experience.  Maybe they will give me an ultrasound just to be sure everything is ok?  Maybe they will just tell me to put the Doppler away?  I think I might just do this voluntarily.

This week is a busy week, as have been my past few weeks (we bought our nursery furniture last week!).  Tomorrow is my  22 1/2 week appointment, Thursday is my work Christmas party, Saturday I am registering with the help of my friend who is an expert ;), and then the rest of my weekend will be consumed with cookie baking as is it COOKIE WEEKEND!!  I am also taking off work on Monday to get everything done.  Busy, busy!  Oh and in case you are interested, I added a new bump shot over on the photo tab.

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After getting such positive results back from our anatomy scan you would think that I would be much less anxious and worried.  I would say that generally, I was starting to feel a little more relaxed.  Then came yesterday when a co-worker unknowingly (or so I think) spiked my fears again.

I work with someone who has two autistic children.  I believe they are both under the age of 12.  I am not sure where exactly they fall on the spectrum, but I think they are somewhere in the middle to lower functioning end.  The coworker (let's call her Sally) is always willing to discuss the topic of autism and what she believes are the causes.  Sally is very into holistic care and organic and natural products as opposed to processed ones.  I agree with this and she knows it because we have spoken about it many times.

I feel very bad for Sally because I know that her kids are a lot of work.  She mentions this a lot.  They go to special schools, have special diets, and require constant care.  I know she feels alone in dealing with this, especially when she hears people complaining about their "normal" kids.  I know she is thinking..."If only".

Yesterday Sally asked me how my appointment went.  I told her that it went so much better than I ever expected and they baby was measuring perfect.  After a congratulations she asked me if she could send me some information on autism (seriously 15 minutes after the congrats).  She said she wished that she would have had the information before she had her boys so she could have done things differently.  She said her biggest regret was getting her children vaccinated while they were under the age of 6 months.  She thinks the whole cause of autism thing "not being known" is a conspiracy.

I decided to look at the document while I was waiting for another co-worker to get back to me on something.  I am almost regretting that I looked at it.  In the list of possible linked causes are (from: From Preconception to Infancy: Environmental and Nutritional Strategies for Lowering the Risk of Autism, by David Berger, MD, FAAP):

Please note that these are not necessarily my views and only items that come directly from the article.

Prenatal

• Genetic mutations (including homozygous MTHFR C677T SNP)
• Maternal nutrition
• BPA (and other toxicities)
• Maternal allergies
• Celiac Disease
• Candida (yeast)
• Mercury/lead (including thimerosal)
• Hypothyroidism
• Various vitamin deficiencies (including vitamin D, iron, & folate)

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I have a rather sad confession to make and for some of you this might be TMI so if you know me or don't like TMI topics and don't want to read then I'll catch you on the next post.  Otherwise, here goes...

My confession is that I am afraid to have sex.  My husband and I have not done the deed since week 4 of this pregnancy.  My doctor has never told me not to have sex, but for some reason it is just another correlation that I have drawn to having sex and potential miscarriage or other pregnancy related issues.

During the first trimester, I was totally scared to have sex, but also just didn't feel like it.  I was nauseous almost all the time, bloated, gassy, and so anxious that I don't think I would have enjoyed things very much at all.  I did, however, have a ton of sex related dreams (most of them included my husband, too!)  and I think I may have even orgasmed in my sleep a few times.  If I didn't get all the way there, then I was definitely close.

I told myself, just get through the first trimester and then you'll feel better physically and mentally and you'll be able to feel comfortable with it again.  Well, that hasn't happened.  Now at about 17 1/2 weeks  I am still not comfortable with the idea of it.  I hear so many stories about women who start bleeding after sex and that totally freaks me out.  I have not (knock on wood) had to deal with any bleeding during this pregnancy and I fear that if I see blood I will totally lose it.  I have also heard horror stories about orgasms causing contractions/miscarriages and premature labor and semen causing the cervix to soften.  I also have no clue about which positions are safe and which once might not be so safe.  Ahhh I need to stop the G.oogling and pregnancy forum hopping.

My husband has been extremely understanding.  He hasn't once made me feel bad about it even though I feel terrible about it.  He has brought it up a few times and when I tell him how I feel he backs off right away.  I sort of feel like I am failing as a wife.  I also don't want to push my husband away just because of a potentially irrational fear that I have.  I mean come on, the guy hasn't had sex in months because of me.  I feel terrible.

I also just miss being with him.  We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to never!  I feel like any time he kisses me I kind of squirm away because I am afraid it will turn into more.  I am so annoyed and angry with myself.  One other thing to note, I have not spoken about this to my therapist.  Maybe I should though.

I am not sure if how I am feeling is normal for people who have gone through RPL or IF.  I just feel like if I have the option to not do something to keep the baby safe, then I will do it.  I would love to get others feedback.  Have you experienced similar feelings?  Any words of advice for this newbie that has dealt with RPL?  If you haven't come across this situation yet how would you deal?  Would you just have sex and not even think about it or would you be worried and wither not do it or not be able to enjoy it?

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I will apologize first and say that I have not been the best blogger or 'commenter' this week.  Once again, work has become the top focus in my life right now.  I have a lot of catching up to do this weekend!  Good thing my Friday nights have been consisting of Chinese takeout, a book or my remedial crocheting project, and bed around 9 PM.  Exciting stuff!

We had an appointment at MFM this past Tuesday.  I was under the impression that the appointment was to discuss the results of the Quad Screen from the NT ultrasound and two sets of blood work.  I was wrong, apparently.  Our appointment on Tuesday was just a follow-up.  They checked the baby with the Doppler (heard the little Button's heart beating!), checked the baby with the hand-held ultrasound (saw him sleeping), and then asked me if I had any questions.  My main question was, what the hell happened to my Quad Screen results?!

The doctor seemed annoyed that no one had called me to relay the results.  He told me everything came back negative for any issues.  He mentioned that they might be backed up due to the hurricane, but that someone would call me to give me the exact percentages.  We left there rather confused, but happy to know that the doctor said everything was normal.  We scheduled the anatomy exam for 11/12.

This afternoon, I had not heard back from anyone at the hospital, so I called the nurse triage line and left a message asking for the results.  A few hours later, a nurse called me back and apologized that no one had gotten in contact with me.  She told me that our risk of DS was 1/4,100 (for 31yo the average risk is 1/590), so pretty good results.  She also told me that we screen negatively for neural tube defects and for trisomies and that basically this was very good news.  I am incredibly relieved.  Not that I didn't believe the doctor, but he was very general about it all and I am a scientist.  I like the exact facts and numbers.  None of this everything is great BS.

So things have been going pretty well on my end and being so busy has helped me to not think about things so much.  I have continued with the therapy, although I have switched to every-other-week.  I have become less anxious generally speaking, but still have the high blood pressure at the OB.  Only at the OB though.  I went to the Endocrinologist the day before my OB appointment and my blood pressure was low (my TSH was also down to 1.07!!).    

Another quick update on a friend... I spoke about her before.  She had a subchorionic hematoma from 12 weeks on and bled (not spotted, full out period bled) her entire pregnancy.  She delivered her baby boy at 33 weeks on Halloween.  He was 4 lbs 13 oz and he can breathe on his own.  He is even starting to take formula from a bottle.  Such a precious little miracle.  I am so happy for her and he husband!  :)  She has has such a long and hard road.

Now back to commenting and more blog posts.  Hope you are all doing well!

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I totally forgot that my trip to see my family was coinciding with this month's ICLW that I signed up for.  I was wondering why I was getting so many random comments until I saw that one mentioned ICLW.  Ooops.  I am a little bit behind in my commenting and blogging, but I promise that I will make up for it this week!

I am going to pull some bullets here to catch up on some things for this post, but if I have time later I think I'll start into one of the posts that I have wanted to write about since last week. 

• My trip to see my family was really nice.  I got to celebrate my little sister's sweet 16 and the work that I thought would be ready for me to complete while I was there wasn't done in time so I didn't really have to do much except for respond to a few emails via BlackBerry.  I hung out with my Mom and Grandma mostly, but also got to spend some quality time with my two brothers and sister that still live at home.  We went out for lunch and went for some walks on the bike trail.  The weather was nice on a few days so we got to enjoy the lovely fall colors.  Yesterday, right before my flight back home, I asked my Mom to stop by the florist so that I could get some flowers to put on my Dad's grave.  Yesterday was what would have been his 56th birthday.  My Grandma (his Mom) went with us, but had a really tough time being at the cemetery.  She had not been there since his funeral 6 1/2 years ago.  It was hard to see her crying because she is usually so strong.  I was glad that I went though.  I know he isn't really there, but I felt like he was, in spirit.
• So far I have completed 2 therapy sessions with my new therapist.  So far, I really like her.  She is an older lady who has an extremely calming personality.  Her office overlooks a pond, so it is very peaceful there.  The first visit she spent mostly getting to know me and the second visit she focused more on getting my anxiety (surrounding pregnancy) under control with some guided deep meditation.  She also helped me deal with the small amount of anxiety that I was feeling about flying in general and flying while pregnant.  It really helped me because I did not have my usual anxiety-ridden flight.   My next appointment is Nov. 1.  I really am starting to feel way more relaxed, in general.  I am not sure if it is the therapy or just the natural progression of things.
• I found out a week and a half ago that the friend that I mentioned in a previous post that was pregnant and due in May after 5 miscarriages and 1 live birth (from IVF), had yet another miscarriage.  She went in for her 8 week ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat.  She ended up having a D&C yesterday (her 4th).  I feel so bad for her.  I know exactly how she is feeling, yet I wasn't sure what to say to her when I found out.  How do you console someone who is losing their 6th baby?  I let her know that I am here for her and sent her some flowers.  I am hoping to walk with her at the end of the week.  She is amazingly strong and is going in to her fertility clinic today to try to get some answers.  I really hope they can give her some hope.
• I got the second part of my quad-screen blood taken last Tuesday.  I arrived at the hospital right at 7 AM hoping to get in and out.  Turns out that I had the wrong paperwork and the lab would not draw my blood until I had the right papers.  I had to wait until 8 AM until the doctor's office opened so that they could give me the correct paperwork.  Annoying, yes.  End of the world, no.  I think we get the results next Tuesday...gulp.
• I am now about 15 1/2 weeks as of today.  I still haven't really wrapped my head around things yet. Am I really pregnant still?  Is this possibly going to work out?  The day before yesterday, right before I woke up, I felt what may have been the first flutters of the little Button.  I am still suspicious that it is the little one and not just gas bubbles or something, but it feels like what my Mom and others have described.  Almost like fish swimming around in there.  It is a very surreal feeling.  I still haven't told many people that I am pregnant yet.  I just don't feel like I can go and spread the news around yet without feeling uncomfortable.  Telling my relatives and family friends over the weekend was super hard for me.  I feel like I just don't have the right to be telling people.  I know, I am crazy.
• Finally...ICLWers: Hi!  Apologies for the late into.  You can find out more about me here and here.  I promise to get around to commenting, responding to comments, and blogging for real this week.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am excited to catch up!!

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I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)

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Sorry that this update is kind of late.  We didn't get home from the appointment until almost 7 PM on Tuesday and I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to write an update.  Thus, this might be rather short because I am again on a time crunch.  I have a huge presentation of my new product to our COO/CTO today and I am once again under the gun!

The exam, overall, went well even though we had a tough time getting there.  I thought the exam was at 3:45 PM, when in fact I realized on Tuesday that it was at 2:45 PM.  Ooops.  I called my husband (freaking out) to let him know that we would need to leave early.  Luckily, that wasn't a huge problem.  Then, on the drive there, we got stuck in a huge traffic jam because some jerk-off decided to drive his tractor-trailer in a tunnel with a low clearance and got stuck.  We finally got to the hospital and as soon as we checked in and sat down in the very crowded waiting room, the fire alarm went off.  They closed up parts of the hospital and things were pretty stagnant for 25 minutes.  Needless to say, it didn't matter that we were 10 minutes late.

After sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes, anxious/nauseous/heart beating out of my chest, we finally got called in for the scan part of the exam.  The tech was really nice.  I told him how nervous I was and he immediately put me at ease when he showed me the wiggly baby on the screen with a happily beating heart.  I was able to breathe a little more after that.  It was so cool to see the little waving hands and the little feet.  It really did seem surreal.

The baby really wanted to be in either a downward or upward facing position so the tech was having a tough time getting measurements.  He would try to coax the baby to the side position with the ultrasound wand, but the baby would flip right back to one of the original positions.  Very stubborn, that is definitely my child in there.  Finally he was able to get the baby into a good position and get some measurements.  He told us the measurement was 1.6 mm after measuring 2 times and said the baby looked good and healthy.  He then left and sent in the radiologist for a final review.

The radiologist then came in with a resident and they started scanning again.  Of course, the baby went back to one of the more comfortable positions.  She told us that the baby was measuring 13.3 weeks (even though I was 12 weeks 4 days, by my dating ultrasound).  She got the baby to turn into a side view position with some more pushing with the wand, snapped some measurements, then asked us is we wanted a guess on the gender.  Ummmm, yes!  Unfortunately my husband refuses to let me say anything to anyone so I can't say what they said.  We need a few more weeks to make that part of things official.

After the scan we headed over to the doctor's office.  For some reason I was still really anxious while sitting in the waiting room. Of course the first thing they did when I got into the exam room was to take my blood pressure.  Again, it was high, 138/70.  I could tell that I was anxious and I told the tech again.  She said the doctor would review it.  Always something.

The doctor came in and looked over the test results and said that everything looked good.  He explained a little more about the 2 part NT exam that I had opted for (I wasn't really sure which one to pick, but he recommended that one at my first appointment, so I complied).  Basically, I had the ultrasound and got blood taken on Tuesday and I have to go back for more blood work on 10/16.  Then I find out the results at my appointment on 10/30.  More things for me to worry about and obsess over, yay.  We talked a little about my blood pressure and he mentioned that I may have developed "White Coat Syndrome" due to my history of miscarriage.  This is when blood pressure spikes when anxiety related to a doctor's visit occurs.  He said that he wasn't worried about it right now, but that he might send me home with a monitor if it continues to be high when I visit.  Ummm yeah I can tell you right now that it will continue to be high each time I visit because I am now conditioned to feel this way after 3 miscarriages.  I ALWAYS expect bad news at an appointment regarding pregnancy.  Awesome.

We left the appointment feeling pretty good about things and excited to call my grandma.  I then happened to glance at the report in the car and I noticed that the report said the NT thickness was 2.0.  I was kind of confused since the tech told us that it was 1.6.  How did the estimate change so much??  I know that anything under 2.6 is considered to be a "normal" screen, but of course seeing a 2 on that paper scared me and sent me into a G.oogle frenzy when I got home.  That G.oogle frenzy led to me to another piece of the puzzle that neither the doctor nor the radiologist mentioned...the presence or absence of a nasal bone.  Why can't I believe it when the high-risk OB who specializes in dealing with people who have abnormal scans on a regular basis, tells me that the scan was normal?  What the heck is wrong with me?  Why don't I trust doctors and think that I can come up with more accurate diagnoses via the Internet?  I always do this to myself.  It is like I am trying to convince myself that there is a problem now.  Another miscarriage casualty.  Does anyone else do this or does the cheese stand alone here?

To end this post that I thought would be short, but ended up not being so short, we did call me grandma on the way home.  She was beyond ecstatic, as we expected.  It was so nice telling her that she would probably become a great grandmother in a few months.  :)

If you are interested, click over to see some pics of our growing Button.  Doesn't really look like a button anymore!

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One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.

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So if you read my post from yesterday you are probably confused about the title of this post.  Well, I had no idea that I was going to pull out the doppler last night about 9 PM.  My husband, his friend, and I went out for a quick bite to eat.  After eating about a pound of bread, I was able to stomach some farfalle pasta with light tomato sauce (lots of mozzarella cheese medallions, too, haha).  My husband and his friend decided to hit up a party and of course I decided to call it a night at the ripe old time of 8 PM.  Yes, I am a loser these days, but I am fine with that.

When I got home there was a disgusting bug on my front screen door.

I got out my phone to take a picture to send to my husband when I saw a text from my friend who let me borrow her doppler.  She said she had read my post from earlier and suggested that I try.  She was pretty confident that at 10 weeks I would hear this little Button if I tried in my lower abdomen.  With a renewed spirit, I decided that it might be a good time to try to find it.

As soon as I got inside I went up to the computer and Googled "how to use a fetal doppler".  I read a quick article and felt like I could handle it.  I got the Sonoline B Pocket Fetal Doppler, some gel, and laid down on the couch.  I turned the thing on and it squealed at me so loudly I think I might have scared the baby into hiding.  I started on the left side of my lower pelvic area and immediately heard something that sounded like a heartbeat.  It was only registering 82-98 bpm, so I figured this wasn't it.  I moved the wand lower near my pubic bone (as my friend recommended) and kept moving the thing around down there...nothing that would register more than 100 or so.  Then I moved the thing up to my belly button and I started to hear a loud heartbeat, but again it was similar to my own at around 90 something bpm.  I was starting to get anxious and nervous that something was wrong.

I got frustrated and shut the thing off.  I texted my friend that I had no luck.  :(  She felt so bad and tried to offer me suggestions of having a full bladder and watching some YouTube how-to videos.  I decided to take her up on her idea.  I watched the following 2 videos:


These two videos were so helpful and saved my evening.  I learned what the different sounds were in my abdomen, my blood flow off to the left and my placenta right smack in the middle.  I learned that I was looking in the wrong spot and that I was moving the wand way too fast and not pressing hard enough.  I also had the volume too low.

After learning these helpful tips, I got into my bed, propped up my head, squirted some aloe vera gel this time and tried again.  After about 5 minutes, to the slight left below my belly button and left of the placenta, I found it.  OMG.  It was so amazing.  I only found it for a few seconds, but I got the doppler to register up to 169 bpm before I lost it (that baby must be moving around in there or something!).  It was amazingly loud, fast, and distinct from my own.  I can't tell you how relieved I felt.  I texted my friend, texted my husband, and called my mom.  I went to sleep so happy last night.  I have never heard a heartbeat before.  The moral of the story here is, watch some how-to videos before attempting to use a piece of equipment that you are unfamiliar with.  I learned my lesson!!

**Update on my friend**

Her second beta came back at well over 400.  She more than doubled in the past 48 hours.  I am so excited for her!!  I really hope that this is her miracle baby!  :)

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I will start this post by saying that I had a really tough time last night and this morning.  Last night I had trouble eating due to anxiety and all I wanted to do after work was lie around on the couch and watch HGTV (my security blanket).  I napped for an hour or so and then poked my boobs to see if they were still sore because I am nuts (they were, kind of).

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night due to my regular trips to the bathroom and wacky bizarre dreams.  I laid in bed at one point just thinking about everything and wondering how I would deal with a not-so-great ultrasound.  I said a ton of prayers.  I bargained with God.  I tried to talk to my Dad.  Then I started to think about my 3 angels there with my Dad and I suddenly felt a little bit better.  I could seriously picture him sitting on a couch with 3 babies.  It made me smile and I was able to drift off to sleep again.

When I woke up I had to drag myself out of bed.  I thought about ways that I could get out of the ultrasound, but knew I really needed and wanted to go and make sure everything was ok.  I got myself ready and choked down half a muffin and an apple.  On the drive to the hospital I chugged about 16 ounces of water.  Then I had to pee...really bad.

My sister was planning on meeting us at the hospital at 7:30 AM in our usual meeting spot.  My sister has become my other security blanket.  As my husband and I were pulling into the garage to park, I got a text from my sis telling me her alarm didn't go off and that she had just gotten up.  I started to panic because she has been my good luck charm.  She has helped my husband and I to be positive for the past few weeks.  I tried to breathe deeply and I sent her a text telling her to pray for me.

We got to the ultrasound waiting room early and I sat there uncomfortably, nervous and feeling like I was going to pee my pants at any minute.  When they called me right at 8, I was so happy to finally be able to go to the bathroom soon!

The tech was one that I had never had before.  She seemed nice and sensed my anxiety right away.  She asked my why I was going for such an early ultrasound and I rattled on about my miscarriage riddled past.  She squirted the gel and started pressing with the wand and I kind of shuddered in pain.  It hurt so bad because my bladder was so full.  She got a quick look, told me she thought things looked good preliminarily, and told me to empty my bladder.  She said it didn't need to be full anymore because I was far enough along.  I was so surprised because I have never heard that before!

When I got back to the table she started checking again.  She quickly showed us the baby and told us the heart was beating at a nice 175 bpm.  She showed us the head and umbilical cord.  It was surreal.  My husband and I just stared in awe at the screen.  I started to tear up a little.  The radiologist came in and confirmed that the baby looked great.  Measuring slightly ahead at 9.3 weeks.  She asked how far we had made it and I told her only to 8.5 weeks.  She happily congratulated us on getting past that mark.

We met with my RE afterwards and she seemed thrilled (well as thrilled as I have ever heard her sound).  She told me that she needed to release me to my OB.  I told her I was on the fence about staying with the hospital or going back to my OB so she gave me a few referrals at the Maternal Fetal Medicine practice that take infertility patients that have not necessarily exhibited the need for a high risk doctor.  We told her that we would need to discuss it and would figure it out.  She recommended another scan in 2 weeks for my piece of mind.  She shook our hands and told me to call her after I was done breastfeeding and she would put me back on Femara should I want to try for another.  I hope I do not see her for at least a year or more!

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.  I know that we still have a looooong way to go with this pregnancy, but I am feeling better about it today.  I don't have that intuition that I have had with every other pregnancy.  Although I am still anxious at times (especially before an appointment), I don't have that sinking feeling that something is wrong.  I hope my intuition is right.  I would be so curious to know if anyone else has had intuition one way or another with a pregnancy (failed or successful)?  If you did was it right?

One more question to ponder... If you were me, would you stick with the MFM practice at a well known hospital or would you go back to your friendly OB?  The MFM practice is closer to work.  My OB is closer to home.

Here are some pics if you are interested (scroll to the bottom 2 pictures)!  Thanks again everyone for the continued support.  This little one is going to have lots of aunties!  :)

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Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

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In all my years of owning a cell phone (since the year 2000, I believe) I have never had to hear the unfriendly reminder message that my mailbox was full and that I should delete some saved messages so that I could continue receiving new ones.  Well I got to hear that message for the first time today when I saw that I had 4 new voicemails and immediately upon dialing voicemail, I got the unfriendly reminder.  Oops.

My 4 new voicemails included 2 automated messages reminding me of my ultrasound and follow-up with my RE on Friday.  Gulp.  The next one was a message from one of my RE's nurses saying that they wanted to up my does of Levo to 50 mcg.  The message after that was also from the same nurse telling me that she had misread my chart and that I could stay on the 25 mcg as long as I came back for a follow-up in 3 weeks.  Sigh.  Another mix-up.  The story of my life with that place.  At least they were able to correct it without getting me involved.

After listening to and deleting the new messages I moved on to the archived messages.  I hate deleting old messages because I hate listening to them.  I hate listening to them even more so when I know that my last year has been littered with upsetting messages.  I had no idea how far back those messages went and what I had kept, but I quickly found out.

The first, oldest, and most upsetting message was from the hospital calling to confirm my D&C in March.  I listened up until the point of them telling me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior and I lost it.  Completely bawling my eyes out.  Why on earth did I save that message?  Talk about ripping off a scab.  Delete.

Next few messages were from my mortgage company regarding my refinance that has been going on since, yes, March and is still not closed.  Reminds me to call those assholes tomorrow to see what the hell is up with that.  Delete, delete, delete, delete...

The next most upsetting message was from my RE explaining that results of my last baby's chromosome analysis was abnormal for isochromosome 8 and that is what "explained" my last miscarriage.  More tears.  I guess I just saved it in case I needed to go back and research it later.  Delete.

I had a couple of messages from the psychologist's office confirming appointments and giving directions.  No need to keep those...delete, delete.

After a few more stupid messages from the fertility pharmacy and FedEx, the last message made me cry, again.  It was recent.  From the one of my RE's nurses (the one I like the best) wishing me congratulations on my very positive pregnancy test.  I lost it again.  You can imagine my dog staring at me in complete wonder when I would cry, delete, cry, delete.  He laid his head on my lap and looked at me with the kind of worry that only a doggie has.  Gosh, I love him.

I didn't delete that message.  I couldn't.  It was the only happy one out of them all, but it still made me cry.  They weren't tears of joy either, unfortunately.  They were anxious tears.  Uncertain tears.  Worried tears.  Will I ever not feel this way?  Worried that at any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me yet again?  Scared that this child might have the same fate as the last 3?  I am trying so hard to be positive, but I am failing at that.  My thoughts always go back to negative "what ifs?".

Sorry for all of the really depressed sounding posts lately.  As Trisha at The Elusive Second Line mentioned in her post today, I am not always sad and depressed, either.  Normally I am a fun and cheery person.  I have always been optimistic, but realistic.  I am sort of all over the place right now, up and down, side to side, and I feel like I can really share all of those thoughts in this venue without judgement.  So thanks to you all, my therapists.  Thanks for continuing to read, continuing to really listen, and continuing to comment when you can.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

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This past weekend was pretty much a waste for me.  I spent most of it on the couch feeling nauseous and tired.  I would get up to do some stuff and then would feel bad so I would lay down again.  I took 2, 3 hour naps.  As useless as I was, I was secretly rejoicing for the fact that I have some sign that this might actually work this time that I have never had before.

On Saturday I went to the grocery store and almost threw up in the middle of the produce section just thinking about which veggies to buy and how to cook them.  When I woke up yesterday I had to suck on a Preggie Pop Drop so I wouldn't throw up before I had a chance to force my breakfast down.

This morning I woke up and I felt pretty much fine and that scared the crap out of me.  I did my hair and makeup with no issue (other than my hair falling out).  I ironed and got dressed with no issue.  Sheesh, yesterday I could barely get out of bed at 8:30 AM and today I was totally fine at 4:30 AM.  I fed my cats and dog, packed my lunch, and then came the decision of what to eat for breakfast.  Nothing sounded good, so I made some toast w/ peanut butter and cut up a peach.  I grabbed a coconut water and then headed to the TV to watch the news.  I could barely stomach the toast and choked it down slowly, not even finishing the entire piece.  I was able to eat the peach with no real issue.

Then I had lunch, which was leftovers that I had trouble eating yesterday and I ate that with no issue.  WTF?

Now I am supposed to be working and I don't feel sick at all.  I just feel like I could nap for a few hours.  I am back to my worried self.  Is this normal?  I have no clue if morning sickness is supposed to come and go or if once you get sick are you supposed to stay sick and possibly just keep getting sicker?  Do symptoms and their severity usually fluctuate?  I wish I just knew everything would be ok on Friday and then I could stop worrying.  Ugh.

So my symptoms right now at 6 weeks 2 days are just fatigue, intermittent nausea, of and on cramps, slight constipation, slightly sore boobs, and lots of white CM (TMI, sorry).  I am documenting all of this so that (hopefully) I can look back on this post in 3-4 months and laugh at how silly I was being.  Right now, all I feel is worried though.  :(

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Thanks for all of the thyroid advice!!!  I decided that it was best to start them ASAP, especially since the endocrinologist can't even see me until November.  They are going to try to get me in before then, via a cancellation, but who knows how long that will take.  I go back in 4 weeks for another TSH test.

I started taking 25 mcg of Levothyroxine, first thing in the AM.  It has definitely thrown my whole schedule off for a few reasons.  I usually take my vitamins first thing in the morning (I have been doing this for almost 2 years now) and then eat breakfast.  With this medicine, you are supposed to wait 4 hours before taking any calcium or iron supplements, both of which are contained within my prenatal.  I have started to take my vitamins at lunch and may end up transitioning to before bed if I find I am forgetting.

The pharmacist told me that this medicine might make me jittery.  So far it actually seems to be doing the opposite.  Yesterday I worked from home and took a 2 hour nap at lunch.  I guess this medicine can also make your hair fall out, which is pleasant.  I did notice that I lost a few extra strands this morning.  Oh well, I am hoping that the good outweighs the bad in this scenario.

Other than getting my thyroid under control, I actually started to feel sick last Thursday.  It seems to come in waves.  I'll feel fine for a little while and then all of a sudden feel like I could throw up.  It is worse when I am faced with a food choice and first thing in the AM.  Nothing really sounds good, but I know that the more frequently that I eat, the better I feel so I am trying to just eat and not think about it.  I woke up feeling pretty bad this morning.  It pretty much felt like a bad hangover.  Headache and nausea.  I pulled out my Sea Bands and so far they seem to be helping a little.

As crazy as it sounds to say this, I am so incredibly happy to be feeling sick at only 6 weeks.  I didn't feel at all sick with my last 2 miscarriages.  I did have food aversions with my first miscarriage (couldn't touch veggies) and craved carbs and cheese.  I threw up on the day of my doomed ultrasound, but I still don't know if that was from being so anxious or morning sickness.  I think it was the nerves.

This time I don't have any straight out aversions yet, just pretty much nothing seems to sound good and I feel queasy all the time.  My boobs are on and off sore, but mostly just feel heavy and full.  I am still having mild cramping off and on and some creamy CM.  That's about it.  Hopefully that is good?

Next up is my ultrasound on Friday.  Very nervous for that as you might have already guessed.

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So my RE's nurse called me back this afternoon with the results of my TSH results.  I was just scrambling to head to a meeting where I was presenting to the group and I was incredibly flustered.  I should have let the call go to voicemail, but instead I picked it up and with my co-worker right next to me.  She told me that my TSH level was 3.28 and that she had asked my RE if I should start treatment and my RE said no, that I was fine without treatment.  I didn't really have time to think about this and couldn't mention my pregnancy in front of my co-worker, so I thanked the nurse for calling me back and headed to my meeting.

After my meeting I first consulted Dr. G.oogle who felt it necessary to tell me that the normal levels during pregnancy are as follows (from about.com):

First Trimester: 0.24-2.99
Second Trimester: 0.46-2.95
Third Trimester: 0.43-2.78

So umm yeah, I am totally over the limit for pregnancy.  Not by a crazy tremendous margin, but I am over nonetheless.  Having an elevated TSH, or being even mildly hypothyroid can cause miscarriage or other later problems such as preeclampsia, placental abruption, and low birth weight.  Not things I'd ever like to experience, thank you very much.

I consulted with 2 friends who have have bee treated for mild thyroid issues during pregnancy.  One has been through 2 consecutive losses and was put on thyroid medication when she became pregnant with her daughter with a level of around 3.  She actually consulted with her PCP since her OB would not treat her.  My other friend who is currently pregnant and went to the same fertility clinic as me had a level of less than 3 and was put on thyroid medication.  So the same freaking RE's office put her on thyroid meds with lower levels than me!  WTF?!

For a better reference point, check out my previously tested TSH levels:

1/10/12: 2.50 (not pregnant)
8/31/11: 1.41 (was pregnant)
6/24/11: 2.87 (not pregnant)

So clearly being pregnant this time has caused a jump in my TSH.  I am not a doctor and I can see that.

I called back my RE's office and left a message asking to speak to the doctor about why she decided NOT to treat me.  I am going to express to her my concern that I don't know what caused my first 2 losses and that I'd like to be more safe than sorry.  I am more than likely certain mild hypothyroidism did not cause any of my losses, but why gamble, right?

Does anyone have experience with this?  I would LOVE to hear any and all advice.

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Today's ultrasound went pretty well.  Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.  They mean so much to me, you have no idea.  I didn't achieve my full goal of #1, but I got close enough to it, I think.

The morning started off ok.  I got to the hospital an hour early since my husband had to drop me off on his way to a meeting.  I sat in the lobby and waited for my sister, who was about 40 minutes early.  I was so anxious when she got there that I had almost gone to throw up once and had peed about 3 times already.  She calmed me down and told me to remember to smile because I am pregnant.  I had to keep reminding myself this.

We made our way down to ultrasound about 10 minutes early.  I was seriously panicking as I walked through the hallway.  The hallway that I had cried in many times before.  It brought back more of those awful memories.  When we got to the ultrasound suite, though, I was happy and surprised to see that they had redone the entire area.  It looked nothing like I remembered it from my last visit so I immediately felt better.

My sister tried to make conversation with me while we waited to be called, but I was too busy fidgeting and biting my nails to really pay attention to what she was saying.  When the tech called my name I shot up and when she asked me how I was doing I sheepishly said ok.  Once we got into the newly finished ultrasound room, the tech asked me about cramping and bleeding and I was so confused.  Apparently they had gotten my charts confused and she had the one from my last failed pregnancy.  She profusely apologized for the mishap and definitely made up for things following that. She asked about the miscarriages and I explained them to her and told her I was seriously anxious about this because I had never had a good ultrasound.  She reassured me that she would talk me through everything.

She started with the abdominal ultrasound even though I told her I was only 5 weeks 3 days.  I told her she wouldn't see anything, but she insisted that it was protocol.  To my surprise, she did see something.  A nice large sac.  She could see much detail though, so she told me to put on a gown and that she would come back with the radiologist for a closer look.  Once I was disrobed and in the stirrups, she inserted the wand and easily found the sac again, this time with a yolk.  She told me I was measuring perfectly for 5 weeks 4 days (I was confused about the dating, but she said it was normal to be off) and the radiologist (who was the head of radiology) said it was a perfect looking crisp sac w/ yolk (my sister teased me about my crisp sac all the way home).  I didn't believe them so I kept asking if they were sure.  They reassured me that this was perfect for where I was and that coming back in a week should yield a heartbeat.

After the ultrasound, my sis and I headed up to my RE's office where I was having my appointment with the nurse.  The office was packed with people, but I was able to get in fairly quickly.  The nurse confirmed what I had heard from the radiologist, said everything looked great, and asked me if I was breathing a sigh of relief.  I told her I had many more weeks before that and she agreed that in my position it would be more difficult.  She offered to have my TSH checked at my request.  She also said she didn't want to see me for 2 weeks because she didn't think it was necessary.  I was totally fine with that.  The less I have to go back there, the better, as far as I am concerned.

We had trouble making my follow-up due to the overbooked schedule of my doctor, so the admin said she would call me back.  I didn't hear back from her today, so I will call her tomorrow.

So, I guess I am feeling ok about today.  We didn't see a fetal pole, but no one even mentioned that or seemed concerned.  My research with ultrasound pictures on Fertility Friend showed many, many ultrasounds that looked like mine that were either 5 1/2 weeks or even up to 6 weeks.  That made me feel better.  I am hoping and praying that in 2 weeks we will see the little flicker of a heartbeat.  Come on little one...you can do it!!!

*Note: If you want to see a picture, click here.  I have decided to stop posting pregnancy related photos to my direct homepage so you don't have to look at them if it is too hard (not that this first one is really much of anything, but I think you know what I mean).

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