I feel like I have written about this subject a ton since I gave birth almost 14 months ago, but it is still something that I am struggling with on a daily basis.  I guess I was naive when I thought that things would go back to the way that they were with my body before having a baby.  I mean, come on, this is what Hollywood portrays as the norm.  Have a baby, then 6 weeks later, be spotted, Starbucks iced beverage in hand, walking with a baby stroller in short shorts and a cute top showing off your trim mid-section.  I thought that I would be one of those women (cough, cough, Kristin Cavallari) that would bounce back, weeks after giving birth.  I thought that if I lost the "baby weight" and exercised that everything would go back to being pretty again.  What I am finding out is that no matter how hard I work, my body is not cooperating.  It has no intention of returning to my pre-baby form.  Call me an ungrateful bitch, but I am having a serious struggle accepting this concept.

Before you complete that rolling of the eyes, let me explain something.  I am not complaining about my weight.  I eat healthy and I am very active so I do not currently have a problem in this area.  Since I have had B, I have lost all of my "baby weight" and then some due to my, sometimes compulsive and always regular, need to exercise.  What I am struggling with are the other after effects of pregnancy and child-birth, the loose belly skin, the indents and marks, the herniated belly button, and most of all the diastasis recti.  These things don't seem to be able to be helped with diet/exercise and this drives me insane.

Let me describe to you what I mean...

Last weekend was one of the first warm weekends that we have had.  It is finally shorts and flip-flops weather, something that I have classically looked forward to.  We had a birthday party to go to for one of my friend's kids and about an hour before the party, I started getting ready.  I changed into a pair of button up shorts and a striped, loose t-shirt, so as not to accentuate my stomach area.  I didn't have time to straighten my hair, so I pinned it back in a bun.  I put on some blush and mascara.  Tah Dah...ready to go.  Right?  WRONG.  This is the point where things started to go wrong.

Looking in the mirror, nothing looked good to me.  I looked like I was dressed like a "mom", something that I told myself that I would never do.  In a haste, I started going through my drawer for something else to wear, something that wouldn't make me look older than I am.  I put on a more form fitting shirt and a pair of shorts that were a little shorter.  Ugh there was my protruding belly button and pronounced belly sticking out.  I put on another t-shirt over the first one in an effort to play down everything, but then I was hot.  I started getting upset and ripped off the outfit and frantically went searching for something else.  I must have tried on 3-4 different outfits before collapsing into a heap of tears on the floor out of frustration.  Nothing I owned looked good on my body.  My hair was a frizzy, broken, mess from putting it in a bun so much.  I felt gross and unattractive.  I felt frustrated that all of the exercise and healthy diet is doing nothing to help me look better.

My husband, who had the baby, heard the ruckus that I was making and came up to check on me.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him exactly how I felt.  I am still struggling with my post-baby body.  I still haven't accepted it as the new normal.  I am still hoping (and praying) that some morning I will wake up and will not be able to see my gastrointestinal tract working though the huge gap in my stomach muscles.  I am still hoping that one day I will feel comfortable being naked again and even the slightest bit...sexy.    

I know that I am my own worst enemy here.  I am incredibly critical about how my body looks.  I hold myself to an extremely high standard.  I am constantly comparing myself to other women.  She had a baby recently...do I look better than her?  It is exhausting.  I don't think it helps that my husband is constantly working out with younger, beautiful, and really in shape women who have either never had children, or are in the very-lucky-to-have-bounced-back-unscathed-from-pregnancy category.  Even though I think that my husband and i have a high level of communication in our marriage and my husband is constantly telling me that I am beautiful (and hot...haha), I am still insanely jealous of those women.  I feel like I will never be able to get back that six-pack of abs that I once had and see these women at CrossFit competitions proudly displaying.

I'm not sure what to do.  Surgery?  Constantly wear compression gear and belly binders?  Resign myself to the fact that I will always have to wear two t-shirts?  See a therapist?  Continue with my weekly break-downs?  Give up?  I don't know what to do and I feel like I am alone.  I haven't heard any of my friends who have had kids ever make any mention that they feel like this so I have no idea if this is a common thing or not.  Maybe I am incredibly vain?  Maybe I should count myself lucky that this is my biggest post-pregnancy complaint?  I mean there are always worse things that could be wrong with me.  Why can't I just accept things and try to move past?  I have a wonderful healthy son.  Should I just accept that this was the price that I had to pay?

I created an anonymous survey on this topic.  If you have 2 minutes, please fill it out.  I am really interested in knowing if I am the only one who has these kinds of feelings or if this truly is an issue that many women deal with.  Thank you!