I have a rather sad confession to make and for some of you this might be TMI so if you know me or don't like TMI topics and don't want to read then I'll catch you on the next post. Otherwise, here goes...
My confession is that I am afraid to have sex. My husband and I have not done the deed since week 4 of this pregnancy. My doctor has never told me not to have sex, but for some reason it is just another correlation that I have drawn to having sex and potential miscarriage or other pregnancy related issues.
During the first trimester, I was totally scared to have sex, but also just didn't feel like it. I was nauseous almost all the time, bloated, gassy, and so anxious that I don't think I would have enjoyed things very much at all. I did, however, have a ton of sex related dreams (most of them included my husband, too!) and I think I may have even orgasmed in my sleep a few times. If I didn't get all the way there, then I was definitely close.
I told myself, just get through the first trimester and then you'll feel better physically and mentally and you'll be able to feel comfortable with it again. Well, that hasn't happened. Now at about 17 1/2 weeks I am still not comfortable with the idea of it. I hear so many stories about women who start bleeding after sex and that totally freaks me out. I have not (knock on wood) had to deal with any bleeding during this pregnancy and I fear that if I see blood I will totally lose it. I have also heard horror stories about orgasms causing contractions/miscarriages and premature labor and semen causing the cervix to soften. I also have no clue about which positions are safe and which once might not be so safe. Ahhh I need to stop the G.oogling and pregnancy forum hopping.
My husband has been extremely understanding. He hasn't once made me feel bad about it even though I feel terrible about it. He has brought it up a few times and when I tell him how I feel he backs off right away. I sort of feel like I am failing as a wife. I also don't want to push my husband away just because of a potentially irrational fear that I have. I mean come on, the guy hasn't had sex in months because of me. I feel terrible.
I also just miss being with him. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to never! I feel like any time he kisses me I kind of squirm away because I am afraid it will turn into more. I am so annoyed and angry with myself. One other thing to note, I have not spoken about this to my therapist. Maybe I should though.
I am not sure if how I am feeling is normal for people who have gone through RPL or IF. I just feel like if I have the option to not do something to keep the baby safe, then I will do it. I would love to get others feedback. Have you experienced similar feelings? Any words of advice for this newbie that has dealt with RPL? If you haven't come across this situation yet how would you deal? Would you just have sex and not even think about it or would you be worried and wither not do it or not be able to enjoy it?
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Believe me, you are not the first to have these fears! I was terrified of causing a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my daughter and we didn't have sex for the first three months. After that, I did give in but I didn't enjoy it much because I was scared and always thinking about the baby. I think it's a GREAT idea to talk to your therapist. I would also suggest that you have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Tell him exactly how much it freaks you out and how bad you feel and that you miss him. He sounds very understanding and maybe it will help just to get it all out in the open. But please don't feel like you're failing as a wife! You're afraid and trying to protect your baby and there's no shame in that.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea to talk to my husband. He does know how nervous I am about EVERYTHING so I am sure he probably just views this as another one of those things. I figured I wasn't the first person to feel this way, but it definitely helps to hear other people's fears, too.
DeleteFirst, seems totally normal to be freaked out. Totally.
ReplyDeleteSecond, if you do it you're going to be fine. My storkiest of stamps of approval.
Third, bring it up with the therapist!
On my list for the therapist for next week's visit!! :)
DeleteI'm 24 weeks pregnant and can count the number of times we've had intercourse since the BFP on one hand. I'm right there with you! While I haven't had RPL, I have had one miscarriage and I've seen plenty of miscarriage post-sex stories (though all of these were early-mid 1st trimester and likely the sex had nothing to do with the loss, but still you know how our minds word) online so it's more than enough to freak me out. It started out with being too terrified to have sex due to fears of miscarriage. Then I was horribly sick and vomiting all the time so sex was the last thing on my mind. Now I'm still nervous, though less so, but I'm also getting more physically uncomfortable which makes intercourse less easy. I too felt bad for my husband and like I wasn't being the best wife, or the wife I "should" be. The solution we came up with was mutually agreeing that intercourse is off the table unless I tell him in the moment that I feel okay attempting it. This way we can kiss, make out, be generally intimate without me feeling like I have to stop it in order to prevent things from getting too heated. Plus there are plenty of sexual things one can do that don't involve anything entering the vagina. ;) There have been a couples times that using this system has led to intercourse, but each time I felt really comfortable with the choice and it was as fun and relaxed as it can be having intercourse with a bump. I will warn, both times I had the teeniest bit of spotting later in the evening. I had also had similar spotting after a pap smear in the first tri so I knew that the amount I saw wasn't anything more than minor cervical irritation.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you are able to work out a system that works for you both. I strongly support you talking about all of this with your husband and with your therapist as well!
That is so true regarding the "other activities". I feel like I was sick for so many weeks and now that I feel better I guess I could try some of that out. ;)
DeleteOh my gosh,you are not alone in this! I went the entire pregnancy with no sex! And each one after That nothing too! I also refuse pap smears while pregnant too for the fear of spotting!
ReplyDeleteOh wow you just made me feel so much better!!!
DeleteHi there, just thought I would chime in if you don't mind :). The first time my hubby and I had sex after my BFP at about 4 Weeks, I had brown spotting about 8 hours later. It freaked us both out and we agreed no more sex until the first trimester is over. I'm 5 Weeks now and we just try to be intimate in other ways. So just to let you know you are not alone. I've been on fertility Meds for over a year now and this is our first resulting pregnancy, so we're both nervous. All the best to you and your little one. - Pat
ReplyDeleteThanks so much. It must be harder for those of us that have had to put in so much work to get pregnant. We are just so worried about screwing up everything that we worked so hard for. Glad to hear that I am not alone out here in no pregnancy-sex land.
DeleteYou are not alone! My husband has been begging me for sex!!! I still haven't given in. I kind of want to, but I'm always too tired and now I'm starting to feel sick! :( So who knows when it'll happen. I had a stupid SCH for several weeks which caused bleeding. I don't want to see ANY hint of red for the rest of this pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and try to have sex at some point. I'm sure you'll be fine.
Maybe one day we will get there. :) Hopefully our guys know that they are in it for the long haul, regardless!!
DeleteI totally understand how you feel. I suffer endometriosis and for the last 3-4years sex has been painful for me, so DP would only ever get it around ovulation time.
ReplyDeleteNow I feel bad that as I am pregnant we do not NEED to have sex, so I just don't. They surgically removed most my endo, but I still had pain afterwards with sex. Not as bad, but still enough to make me hate it.
DP gets frustrated and annoyed sometimes and it causes issues, especially when Im in my 'don't touch me at all' mood, but they are still there and still standing with us.
They too might need to take a step back and see how much this affects us mentally, and that perhaps sex isn't worth the stress and pain that it will put us through. At the end of the day we all want the same thing, to hold our little one at the end of this all and become fully fledged parents. Sex started that process, but it doesn't mean we HAVE to continue it if its not what's best for us.
Perhaps one night you may just feel like actually doing it, and go with that, but you won't stay pregnant forever and nobody says you won't want it after all this :)
You are totally right! I can't imagine having so much pain associated with sex. I think that would make me want it even less, for sure. I am hoping that maybe in a few weeks I'll start to feel more up for it and more confident that it won't cause problems. Of course, then I'll have a much larger belly circumference!! :)
DeleteSo far, we have only done it once since conception, and that was just because I woke up from a crazy dream wanting it. But then I was crampy all day afterwards, so I haven't wanted to do it since. I have a feeling it's going to be like this the rest of the pregnancy. I'll just be too worried if I were to see blood afterwards :(
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone! I feel the same way and still do at almost 18 weeks. My DH is actually a little worse than I am and I have to reassure him while at the same time in my head I'm worried too! lol And I used to get the sleep orgasms too alot during the first tri. For me they were so painful and I would wake up knowing that's what it was and terrified I would miscarry because they caused intense uterine contractions. But they've gone away and I hope won't come back. But I think your anxiety is very normal especially after RPL which I haven't had and I am so very excited for you that you are finally experiencing your dream!
ReplyDelete