A new (blog) identity

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I feel like my blog is smack in the middle of an identity crisis, or maybe I am.  The reason that I started it was to chronicle my path through the scary jungle of repeated loss.  I was in a pretty dark place in April of 2012 and needed an outlet for my emotions, fears, and anxieties.  I wanted to connect with and potentially help others that were in similar spots.  I think this blog has served its purpose and then some, but right now I feel like I am in no man's land in both blog and in real life.

Over the past several months, my blog has switched from a loss blog, to a TTC after loss blog, to a pregnancy after loss blog, to a parenting after loss blog.  This has happened organically and frankly without my noticing until recently.  My blog has taken on a whole new identity and I am caught somewhere in the middle.

For so long trying to have a baby was the number one thing in my life.  It came above all else, including my husband and me.  My life revolved around temperature taking, analyzing cervical mucous, and ovulation and pregnancy testing.  Once I was pregnant it revolved around pregnancy symptoms, doctors appointments, ultrasounds, and gestational diabetes.  Now my life revolves around my son.  I guess that was just the organic evolution of things, but I do feel like a major part of my identity is gone and even though I don't have a ton of free time right now, I still feel like part of me has gone missing.

Many times, I still wake up in the morning and am in complete awe of the fact that I have a baby.  I am now so deeply entrenched in all things baby.  I complain about baby related things...irregular sleeping patterns, breastfeeding issues, blowouts...  I relate to people with babies and children.  I pretty much only associate with people who have babies and children.  I am becoming one of those people that I despised when I was having trouble carrying a pregnancy and I am not feeling good about it.

I belong to a support group in FB of girls that all lost babies that were due in April, 2012.  One of those girls recently posted that she was feeling quite sad about the anniversary of the date when she found out two years ago that she was losing her baby.  It made me stop and pause because I could no longer remember the anniversary of the date that I found out about my impending pregnancy loss.  It upset me.  I used to keep close tabs on all of the dates of my losses and I feel like I have pushed them all to the back of my consciousness.  I don't think about those babies like I once used to.  I don't dream about them.  I don't cry about them.  I rarely even think about them because I am quite preoccupied with the one that made it.  It makes me want to cry as I am typing this.

Yesterday I decided to visit Fertility Friend, which has been a favorite site of mine for several years, and used to be a daily habit.  Since I haven't gotten my period yet and we are not planning on trying for another baby for quite some time, I realized that I really didn't fit in on any of the boards.  The TTC boards are for people who are actively trying to get pregnant or at the least tracking their cycles.  The Pregnancy boards are (obviously) for people who are pregnant or just gave birth.  My VIP membership runs out in 34 days.  My first thought was to renew it, but then I remembered that I really have no use for it right now.  That made me sad, too.  One day I'll probably go back to trying to have a baby and all that goes along with that, but right now, thankfully, I am in a different place and I don't need it.

In trying to move forward with my life, I decided that rather than close down the blog all together, that I am going to try a new and fresh look.  I know I have changed and my blog has changed, too.  I need to keep the blog in-sync with my life if I want to continue it. So stay tuned.  One day in the near future, you might not recognize the look of my little space on the Internet anymore.  Hopefully you'll still recognize me though.  I'm still the same girl as I was when I started the blog, I just have my precious baby now.

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2 Responses to “A new (blog) identity”

  1. I'm glad your still blogging, I really enjoy your blog, it's helpfully honest and really interesting. It is weird, I don't feel like my blog really sits with it's old purpose anymore, but I'm not quite ready to give it up.

  2. Exciting stuff! I can't wait for the new look and your journey as a mom! (I totally get this post too as I'm feeling the exact same about my blog)....