1 year later

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Tomorrow will mark 1 full year of TTC for my husband and I.  This is not an anniversary that I ever thought I would have to endure.  July 9, 2011 marked the beginning of the cycle that I would conceive for the first time.  It has been a little over a year that I saw this beautiful BFP.

I can't believe how much things have changed since then.  I can't believe how much I have changed since then.  Before I had my first miscarriage I didn't take my temperature.  I didn't chart.  I didn't use OPKs.  I had no idea what TTC lingo was.  My husband and I had sex every other day and bang BFP on the first try.  I didn't test often and I didn't test early.  I went to CVS on the day that I was going to test, bladder full from a large iced coffee, to buy my first pregnancy test ever.  I waited until 4 days had passed since I missed my period and then I tested (hence the darker test line than the control line in the pic above).  I didn't know how common miscarriages were because I never thought I would be one of those unfortunate cases.  I didn't know there was such a thing as a missed miscarriage...how cruel of a joke for Mother Nature to play.  Oh how I wish I could go back to a year ago when the future seemed so much brighter.  

I know that some people reading this post have been through much worse.  Many years of infertility. Many more miscarriages than I.  Later miscarriages than I.  Many worse circumstances.  Oftentimes I feel as though I have no right to complain.  My situation has been tough and I have been through a lot of heartache and pain, but I know that others have gone through much worse.  I have internal conflicts with myself, fighting for my right to fully feel what I have been through.  Fighting for the right to complain about how unfair everything is.  Fighting for the right to cry because a year after we started TTC, we have nothing to show for it other than a few positive pregnancy tests shoved in the back of my underwear drawer.  Sometimes I let myself take time to grieve and other times I yell at myself to keep going.   Others have been through worse and have come out on the other end.  Who is to say that I will not be one of those lucky people someday?

A few things that  have learned through this situation are compassion for couples who are going through infertility, be it RPL or straight infertility.  I never understood why couples would turn to ART when they could just adopt.  Now I know why.  I have learned what to say and what not to say to friends who are having trouble conceiving.  I have learned to NEVER ask a couple when they are going to start having kids.  I have learned how to comfort a friend when she faces a lost pregnancy.  I have learned how to help my friends through difficult pregnancies with uncertain outcomes.  I have learned that I am a whole hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Never did I think that I would still be standing, still be trying to conceive, and still be trying to smile one year later.  

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8 Responses to “1 year later”

  1. These milestones hurt, I'm so sorry for yours. One thing I learned is pain is pain, hurt is hurt. I hate that at times people compare things.... "my uterus is worse" like it's a contest.

    We had a similar experience getting pregnant on the first try, ending up in a miscarriage. I'm constantly scratching my head.... "how did we get here?!?"

    You'll keep going because you have to. Wishing you the best.

  2. (((hugs))) Sorry to read about your anniversary. In my opinion, infertility issues is not a contest (vis a vis your comment about having it "worse"). Whether you have been trying for months or years, it hurts. Whether you had an earlier miscarriage or a later one, it hurts. It doesn't hurt less because other people have struggled more.

  3. I struggle with the same thing...feeling guilt for my complaints and pain because there are others who have endured much worse. But this is not a competition and you most certainly have the right to feel everything you feel. It IS unfair and it sucks, so complain away! I'm sorry for your anniversary and I'm hoping the coming year brings happy news. ~ hugs ~

  4. It is amazing how fast time flies yet how amazingly slow each cycle ticks by. I'm hoping the second year brings a beautiful conception.

  5. So sorry, lovely, anniversaries are the WORST.

    You are TOTALLY allowed to feel awful, and bitter. There are people who have had it worse, and people who got luckier earlier. We can only feel what we feel and be sympathetic to other IF's at the same time.

    The fact that you're still going and trying to smile a year later, and you can even think of things that you have learned is BADASS.

  6. Anniversaries suck and I'm sorry you're at 1 year. You have, most definitely, been through a lot and you are entitled to grieve everything--your miscarriages, the loss of your pregnancy innocence ("I won't be the one who miscarries" is so nice while it lasts), etc. You are fighting the good fight and I admire your strength.

  7. I can totally relate to this post...I almost feel as if I could've written it myself. My first bfp was at the end of June last year...hard to believe that it's been a year already. I question my feelings all the time...whether I have a right to feel them...and I do. So do you! What we went through was he'll and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But I do believe there is a rainbow at the end of all of this. We have learned that we are strong and because of this, we will keep trying to get what we want. My thoughts are with you on this most difficult journey!

  8. I'm so sorry about the 1 year. But yes, you are much stronger for it... despite, probably wishing that it wasn't the case. I'm hoping that this next year is your year for little babe to stick around.