A little of this and a little of that

Friday, June 1, 2012

I have been a bad blogger this week.  In my defense, I have had a crazy week at work and haven't really even had time to take a lunch.  I am not sure how much I'll get to write right now, but I figure I'll give a quick update for inquiring minds.  And as an FYI, this entry took me about 6 hours total to complete!

First and foremost, I found out on Wednesday that my friend who told me that she was pregnant on Tuesday found out that she is in fact miscarrying again.  Although her HCG levels looked good, the ultrasound showed that there was only a sac and no baby, probably a blighted ovum.  They felt that for as high as her HCG levels were that they should have been able to see a heartbeat.  My heart just broke for her because I know the feeling of going to an ultrasound and having it be less than ideal.  I feel like I should have been so much happier for her than I was.  My stupid jealousy always seems to cloud everything when it comes to pregnancy.  Although she does have a child, her road to having him was so rough.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can be right now, but I wish I could go back a few days and change my original attitude.

I have decided to start seeing an infertility/pregnancy loss psychologist.  I found a holistic practice that has counseling, nutrition, acupuncture, yoga, support groups, and seminars for people all dealing with similar situations to me.  I chatted with the psychologist this morning and have scheduled to go in an talk to her in person on June 11.  I made the decision to talk to someone because I have so much built up anger and resentment about not being able to reproduce like a normal person.  I am so jealous of my friends that it is causing me to lose friendships that I have worked years on building up.  I am sad and angry that my period is about to show up even though my husband and I had planned on NOT getting pregnant this month.  It isn't healthy that I spend so much of my time thinking about this.  I am letting so many other aspects of my life that are good fall to the wayside.

Finally, a little update on where I am with this cycle.  I have (obsessively) been taking pregnancy tests every morning.  Ok, I didn't take one today, but for the past 3 or so days I have.  They are always negative and they always set the tone for the day- negative.  My temp had been going up nicely and was setting up for a triphasic chart but today it took a complete nosedive and I have more PMS symptoms than ever.  I have also had killer menstrual cramps.  YUCK.  I expect AF to show up on Sunday.  I got for blood work on Monday.  If I don't get my period on Sunday I will test again, but I am thinking this cycle is a bust.  I am just ready to be done with this so that we can start actually trying again.  I better get some rest this weekend.  :-)

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