I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)