Back to therapy...

Friday, October 5, 2012

I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)

A healthy little treat from my sweet.

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7 Responses to “Back to therapy...”

  1. Hunny- anxiety in pregnancy after all you have been through is NORMAL. I had so many people tell me to get those thoughts out, focus on the positive yadda yadda yadda...I know it was on from a good place but nothing stopped the anxiety. Even when I was over 20 weeks, I was convinced something could still go wrong. It is only in the 3rd trimester, when if baby came, it would survive, I feel okay. You will get there one day...or maybe not. But you are NORMAL. I would write when my anxiety got out of hand...and usually after getting it out to the universe, it would calm down. So when you are anxious..write in your blog or journal or may help!

  2. Oh, lovely - it's so unfair that you're not able to enjoy this. Stupid IF side effects.

    Bub & I have to get flu shots every year just because his immune system is super-compromised and that's the diabetes-doctors insistence. I can tell you that pregnant or no, it will make you feel like garbage for a day or two after (and then a delightful season of far less flu).

    Congratulations on your 13 week edible arrangement! This is it, love, this is it.

  3. Congrats on your milestone. Sending good vibes your way for a peaceful mind. I can't imagine how hard this must be. Xoxo

  4. Aw! The edible arrangement is super sweet.

    Ok, anxiety. I'm no stranger to it and also have the tendency to beat myself up about it, but I have to say to you (in the gentlest way possible)--try to stop beating yourself up about it. It shows your humanity--who would not be anxious after what you've been through? I cannot believe everything you've faced in the past year.

    I really hope therapy helps some. My IF therapist gave me lots of CBT-type tools that helped and I have faith that your therapist can help, too, if you guys are a good match and everything.

    Oh, and your NT appt sounds so encouraging! I'm so glad everything looked great. I hear ya on the white coat syndrome, and I think I've developed it a bit, too.

    Take care, ok?

  5. It's so normal and okay that you would be feeling anxious. Rather than trying to be all 'positive thinking!' is it helpful to just sit with the anxiety a bit? Not beat yourself up for it? (I know, easier said than done). Also, I think it's really great that you're finding someone to talk to. I'm a big fan of therapy and hope you find a good fit.

  6. I hate that you can't just enjoy your pregnancy because of the hell you've been through over the past year. That is the unfortunate reality that being PGAL brings. For what it's worth, I think you are doing phenomenal job at navigating being PGAL. You are so strong and your persistence and resillience through all of this has been inspiring. I really hope that therapy helps you to move forward in the most positive way possible and that you find the peace of mind that you so need and deserve. Please know that I am here for you anytime you need anything at all. Don't hesitate to call, text, write, etc... anytime. Love you!

  7. You're like my sister separated at birth or something I swear! Cloudy and I also HATE the concept of the flu shot and never get them. I feel the same way about taking antibiotics. In my last pregnancy I ended up taking antibiotics for a bladder infection and worried the whole time that it was harmful :) Pregnancy makes us do weird things. It's so much easier to make choices for your own body and life and live with the consequences than it is to make those same choices for a new baby body and life.

    YOGA - Yes definitely! Just no twists, hot yoga, or laying on your back without a blanket or soft support under your hips. I wish I lived closer, I would love to teach us pre-natal yoga. If you can find a prenatal class though you should definitely go. So good for your body and baby's as well as you might make some great mommy friends!

    Bummer that your acupuncturist "released" you. I would think they would want to help support the pregnancy through all of this and give you treatments at least monthly. I know it can help with nausea too....

    I Love therapy. It took me a long time to find one to help me deal with my daddy abandonment issues. I had several quacks before I found a really great and helpful one. There are many more bad therapists than good. Take you time and find one that works for you.

    Crazy about the edible arrangement "looks delicious by the way!" I requested one if I make it to birth! I might need to up that a little and get one sooner :)