This is a tough subject for me to write about because I am still struggling with my "new" post-baby body.  I struggled while I was pregnant at times, but I think it has been more difficult since little B arrived.  I am almost 14 1/2 weeks out and I still have a sizable mommy pooch, although it is definitely smaller than it was just a month ago.  By the time late afternoon rolls around, I look like I am about 4-5 months pregnant.  It is really depressing until I look at my amazing little miracle boy (I added a pic of him) and then I feel a little bit better.

I have been in physical therapy for my diastasis recti for several weeks now and I was doing so well with it.  I had gone from a 4 finger separation to an almost 2 finger separation.  I had exercises that I was doing every night until I started back to work last week.  Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the PT exercises.  I have been vowing to get back to them this week because I really think they are working and I really love my physical therapist.  She is so nice and helpful and she believes that I can get back most of my pre-baby shape.   

Last night was the first night that I got a chance to go to the gym.  B has gone down to sleep at 6:30 PM for the past 2 nights so, I crammed myself into my bathing suit (it was a tight squeeze) and scurried out as fast as I could once I knew that my husband was armed with the video monitor and the Angelcare monitor. I planned on doing the pool exercises that my physical therapist had given me in the 4 ft section of the pool.  Too bad that there were 30, 10 year old Asian exchange students using that same section of pool.  I got splashed, my borrowed workout gear (kick-board, foam weights, noodle) was stolen, and I was asked all sorts of questions about what I was doing by a 5 year old girl.  Normally I would have been totally peeved, but I was able to keep a smile and continue my workout.  I was there, working out, and that's all that mattered.

When I look at my stomach in the mirror I really don't like what I see and I feel guilty that I don't like what I see.  I should be ecstatic that I have my healthy baby boy and not focusing on my stupid lack of abs.  My linea negra is still very pronounced and I have so many indentations from the stretching.  I am not sure if they are stretch marks or not because they have no color, but regardless, they are unsightly.  My brown belly button has almost disappeared, thank God!  My c-section scar is slightly pink, but no longer as dark and pronounced as it was.  The feeling is s...l...o...w...l...y coming back to that area.

Speaking of the feeling coming back to that area...  While actual feeling may be coming back, there is nothing else going on down there.  My husband and I have tried twice (unsuccessfully) to have sex since the baby was born.  I am not sure it is lack of lubrication due to breastfeeding and birth control or if I have some scar tissue and adhesions, but sex was so freaking painful I wanted to cry.  Not to mention I have absolutely no sex drive, AT ALL.  I am now scared to even try which makes things oh so much more enjoyable!  I figured that having a c-section would make this a non-issue, but I was totally wrong!  I think we'll give it one more try and if I am still in pain, then off to the GYN it is.  I haven't seen them since my second miscarriage.  They don't even know that I was pregnant and had a baby.  That will be an interesting conversation. 

I also keep messing up the birth control pill.  I took that damn thing for 10 years straight at 12 PM EVERY DAY and I only ever screwed it up one time that I can remember because I forgot the pack at home.  With this pill, I have screwed up so many times already.  I forget to take it 3-4 times a month.  Not good for someone who, medically, should not get pregnant again for at least another 8 months. 

Still no period yet.  I have had some EWCM, several times and have been crampy and bloated, but still no period.  I am quite ok with that.  It is weird that the start of my last period was July 5, 1012.  I haven't had a period in over a year!

I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks, but I'd guess that I am back to around 128 lbs.  Still not at my goal weight, but I am still breastfeeding and that is by far more important to me that losing the weight right away.  I'd rather continue feeding my baby then look like Giselle (ok I'll never look like her, but I think you catch my drift!).

Here is a pic of me now, 14 1/2 weeks out.  I still have a ways to go, but when I compare it with a  few months ago, I feel a lot better.  Any one else with post-baby body issues that feels totally guilty about it?