"Don't be a hater"

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Anyone who has read this blog for a while (let me thank you for doing that right now!) may remember the co-worker/friend that once made me feel like crap regarding my miscarriages, turned understanding about my miscarriages, turned secretive about her pregnancy, turned back into my preggo buddy.  You can get a little background here, here, and here if you are interested.  Well, her last week in the office was the week before I came back.  She was 38 weeks when she stopped coming in, which makes sense.  By the time I was 37 weeks I felt like a beached whale and stopped commuting, so I totally get it. 

The week before I went back to work, my husband, the baby, and I met up with her and her husband for dinner.  It was interesting to hear about how the last few weeks of pregnancy were treating her and how she thought she'd do once the baby was born.  They asked us questions and we gave them honest answers.  They even got to witness me breastfeed the baby at the dinner table.  They seemed prepared enough for the birth of the baby, although I heard rumors from other coworkers that she had the idea that she was going to be bored when she was on maternity leave. Haha.

Yesterday her "supervisor" mentioned to me that she went to the hospital and he thought she was in labor, at 39 weeks.  I sent her a text message mid-day to wish her luck.  By the time I got home from the gym last night, there was a picture posted to FB of her cute little bundle of joy.  She had a baby girl, 7lbs even. 

My first thought was wow, that little girl is super cute and looks like her dad...normal.  My second thought was why was this pregnancy and childbirth thing so easy for her when it was so difficult for me...not normal.  She went into the hospital a week early and half a day later had a healthy baby.  She had the normal pregnancy discomforts of itchy belly, swollen ankles, and fatigue.  She did get RLS at the end, but I would have taken that over PUPPPs any freaking day. 

I whined mentioned it to my husband about it and all he had to say was "don't be a hater".  Easy for him to say, right?  Then I thought to myself, why can I still not get past the feelings of jealousy surrounding pregnancy?  I have a healthy, cute, amazing little boy  and yet I still have to dwell on the fairness of it all.  Even when I am interacting with normal mommies of babies that are the same age as B, I still have this deep seeded sadness and envy.  I feel cheated in more ways than one.   

How nice would it have been to just get pregnant, enjoy the pregnancy, and have a regular, conventional, childbirth?  I still fantasize about this, but know that I'll never have that.  I feel like if I were to be lucky enough to get pregnant again in the future, I am doomed to diabetes, induction, and babies so big that they won't fit through my vag.  It isn't like i am wishing that anyone have difficulty getting pregnant, being pregnant, and/or giving birth.  It is not like that at all.  I just don't understand why so much had to happen to me, one person, while most people float through the whole process with nary a scratch. 

I hope someday I can just move on and focus on the good rather than dwell on the unfortunate events of the past.  Yes, a lot of bad shit happened to me over the past few years, but also, a lot of good things happened.  B is getting cuter by the day, which helps me to stop and refocus on the future and the fact that anything is possible. 

Yesterday, after giving him a bath, I realized that his "caves" were full of "bats" (a.k.a. tons of boogers in his nose).  I asked him if he had boogies in his nose and he started laughing.  I said it again and I got an awesome belly laugh.  My heart melted and thoughts about unfairness were quickly pushed to the back of my consciousness.  I guess everything happens for a reason.

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One Response to “"Don't be a hater"”

  1. I don't think there is any answer to your "why me?" question. Just as with infertility and miscarriage, things sometimes happen to undeserving people for no reason at all. At least, no reason we can see until a lot of time has passed. Pregnancy and childbirth is easy for some women and not so easy for others and there is no explanation for it really. My first pregnancy was a rather difficult one and I felt cheated, too. For a while. But this pregnancy has been much smoother, so you never know what the future holds. It's okay to feel sad and disappointed over your experience; just don't let it cloud all the positive moments of your pregnancy. Try to focus on that and know that the difficult moments have made you stronger, given you perspective, and will perhaps allow you to help someone else in the future. Hugs!