I'm read this yesterday and I thought about it so much today.

First, I can imagine it much be very difficult if the people in your circle primarily had picture perfect births. Have you tried casting your net a little further? In my circle of friends, I don't know anyone who had their labor going according to their plan. While I don't think it's particularly helpful to compare, I do think it's comforting to know that you aren't alone. L&D is a scary, unpredictable and potentially very dangerous thing.

For me, I had a hard and long labor (and a failed epidural as well, maybe those are more common than they let on?). It certainly didn't go much as planned. But for me the hardest part was that my son was taken away to NICU within a few minutes of his birth. I missed him opening his right eye for the first time (he opened the other one for me. :)) .I missed his first bath. His first socks, his first needle prick, I didn't get to count his toes or fingers. Those things were (and are) hard for me.

For a while I beat myself up because I felt like I missed his pregnancy and his birth altogether. After four miscarriages, I felt like there was no way that little man was actually going to make it safely to my arms. I remember sobbing as they wheeled him out of my room to NICU. It wasn't fair, we'd been through so much to hold him to touch him...

I think I'm doing a horrible job of explaining what I'm trying to say. I guess the short version is that I understand what you are feeling, because I've felt it. The thing that has helped me so much and allowed me to move to a place of peace was trauma counseling. After our losses (actually we started after our third loss) I attended therapy with two different counselors. I was able to work though some of my feelings of betrayal with myself, my body and the world. I was able to embrace the positive, truly fully embrace it, while letting go of the negative. That doesn't mean I forget, of course. I'll always be sad I missed baby's first bath. (and the camera broke, so I don't even have a picture...) but I can focus on hundreds of moments since and yet to come.

I would strongly encourage you to consider talking to someone. You have almost nothing to lose and so much to gain.

Thinking of you.
A

Thanks so much, Amy. I didn't even really get into the whole finger and toe counting thing, but I am completely with you on that. I'm so sorry that your baby had to go to the NICU, also. Besides not being able to see him, you had the added worry of not knowing whether he was ok or not. I can't even imagine the extra level of stress that you had.

I have gone to see therapists before to deal with the death of my Dad, my miscarriages, and my anxiety during my successful pregnancy. I think the latter helped the most, but I still always feel like the psychologists/counselors that I see can't really relate to what I went through. They always tell me to focus on the positives that I now have and they are totally right. This is what I should be doing. The part that I need help with is letting go of what happened. It sounds like you found someone to help you do that. Did you end up getting lucky or did you do lots of research to find someone? I have had some good therapists and some bad ones, but never a great one unfortunately.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it!

I'm so sorry for what you had to endure during your L & D experience and for the ways it still haunts you to this day. I have actually heard a number of women who have had similar experiences, or different experiences that they still classify as horrible, so I know you are not alone. My close friend had an awful induction experience and, though she didn't need a c-section, it traumatized her in a huge way and she suffered severe postpartum depression for a year after her son's birth. It sounds to me (and I'm no expert or professional) that you may have a little PTSD in regards to your experience and I agree with Amy -- counseling could probably be so helpful. There's no harm or shame in seeking someone to talk to so that you can find some healing. You deserve that! Wishing you the very best! xoxo

Other people had unplanned c-sections, but yours was a whole new level of unplanned! It sounds so tough. Im sure it's something that will take time to process. You worked so hard for baby B, in and out of the womb, it is unfair you had such a horrible experience.

To avoid getting into TL;DR territory, I'm going to write this in list form. Let me know if you'd like elaboration on any point.

1. Birth trauma is incredibly common. You are certainly not the only person who feels like you do. There are support groups, blogs, forums, and even therapists that specifically deal with birth trauma. It is a known thing and you are not alone in that.

2. My first baby was born at 9 pounds, and I never considered that too big or felt like my body failed me by growing a baby to that size, and I don't think yours did either.

3. Please don't blame your body or think it failed you. The "cascade of interventions" is also common in births today. Many women who thought their pelvises were too narrow, that they wouldn't go into labor -- ever -- without induction, that they couldn't birth big babies . . . were able to do it the next time around by avoiding or changing certain birth practices. It wasn't their bodies; it was their circumstances.

4. VBACs happen.