Full disclosure

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Is it strange that when someone asks me about my pregnancy that I feel weird talking about it?  I don't like telling people that I am pregnant.  Is it odd that I still wear baggy clothes/sweaters to work and have not mentioned my pregnancy to anyone other than my boss and a few close friends?  I am definitely popping out of my clothes.  Is it weird I still don't feel like this pregnancy is for real yet?  I have not felt any consistent movement and have not gotten the results from the Quad Screen back yet.  Am I just nuts?  Probably.

I am not sure if I am the only one here, but I am compelled to speak about the trouble that my husband and I had when conceiving this child.  When someone finds out that I am pregnant (usually from someone else, like my husband or my Mom) and they ask me questions about the pregnancy, I feel like I have to mention that it wasn't easy for us to get to this point.  I feel like if I don't bring up my miscarriages that I am lying.  I am also so much more conscientious about the fact that the person that I am talking to might have had trouble or be having trouble conceiving so I withhold most pregnancy details.  I can't imagine just being a normal pregnant person and yapping about how morning sickness sucked and about how many times I wake up every night to pee. 

When I called me Uncle and Aunt to tell them them I was pregnant (only so they didn't hear it from someone else first), I told them about this pregnancy and then I had to explain that we had trouble, but didn't get into the whole loss conversation.  Part of the reason that I mentioned having trouble is because I know that my Aunt had trouble.  She had only one child and I know that she was always kind of jealous of my Mom having 7.  I mean who could blame her?  She seemed very happy for me even before I got into the whole having trouble portion of the conversation, but I still felt compelled to share.

Then I called my cousin (their daughter, because I didn't want her to hear it from them and not me).  I was worried about telling my cousin because she is 35, unmarried, and I know would love to be a mommy someday.  I told her about my pregnancy and then immediately went into the story of my 3 losses in great detail.  For some reason I felt that might make her feel better?  I think I probably just made her feel awkward because I don't think she knew quite how to respond.  Luckily she is currently dating someone and they just got serious.  She acted very happy towards me.  I probably didn't need to go into all the sad details, but again, I did anyways.

When I was visiting family and people commented on this pregnancy I would clam up.  Of course I would bring up the fact that it wasn't easy for us in EVERY conversation and make the other person feel extremely awkward and sorry that they ever mentioned anything.  I just couldn't help it.  Why???  I told my Mom that I kept doing this and she told me that I didn't owe anyone an explanation about how I got to where I was and that I should just try to enjoy the moment and be happy. 

I know my Mom was right.  I don't need to tell everyone about my lost babies.  I don't need to tell them about my surgeries or about how I needed to take fertility meds to conceive this baby.  I can be respectful about how I talk about this pregnancy without going into all of the nitty-gritty details about exactly how I got here.

I am still not sure when I am going to tell people at work or even if I have to.  Can I just stop covering it up and wait for people to ask me or is that rude?  Does anyone else feel the need to discuss the problems that they had conceiving when telling others about your current pregnancy?  Does anyone else still struggle with when, how, and/or if to tell someone?  Even if you are not pregnant yet, will you tell others about your struggles or try to be that normal pregnant lady?

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17 Comments »

17 Responses to “Full disclosure”

  1. All I mentioned, whenever anyone asked about my pregnancy with Lucky, was that "it took a lot of doctors to get to this point. We're really lucky."

    And I left it at that. I did tell work, but it was more of a "hey, I'm going to need to take maternity leave in April."

    And I didn't mention it to anyone unless they asked. Which is hard, since I worked with a lot of guys and they didn't want to ask for fear of pointing out that I was getting fat. :)

    I don't think it's weird not to want to talk about it, honestly. I felt similarly; mostly that I was going to jinx it if I talked about it too much. I totally get wanting to tell people that it was a long road to travel to get to this point. You don't OWE anyone that, but if it makes you feel better, then there's no harm in telling people that you've had losses along the way.

    xoxo

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    1. I really like the phrases that you used when you told people. I may end up stealing them from you because I think they are better than just saying we had trouble or even worse, we lost babies. Glad to hear I am not weird for feeling this way. Makes me feel better.

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  2. I was the exact same. I still can't talk of this pregnancy without at least thinking about the losses I had before. It took me a long, long time to accept this pregnancy...don't force yourself. It will happen one day...even if it is when u are 33 weeks! LOL.

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    1. I am hoping that people just figure it out eventually because it feels so weird to even talk about it!

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  3. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in that place. We haven't had a successful pregnancy yet but when we do (I''m hopeful it will happen!) I already know it is going to be awkward. I feel like it will be so hard to be excited and feel like it is real because something bad has always happened and I'll be waiting for that something bad to happen all the way until there is a healthy baby in my arms. I think what you are feeling is completely normal!

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    1. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. I think I knew that I would feel like this even before this pregnancy, I just didn't think it would last this long!

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  4. You don't have to tell anyone anything, you're mom is right. But you can. Especially if talking about it makes you feel better. You have been through 3 losses, that is your truth. It is yours to tell or not tell.

    I have not told anyone about my pregnancy except my mom. And I totally don't want to tell anyone. Last time I told everyone right away. I think what you are going through is "normal"

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    1. You and my Mom are totally right here. If I do tell people then I don't have to go into so much detail. For some reason it just seems to spill out and I find it so much easier to talk about now then actually being pregnant this time. I guess I just got so used to it and I am still not used to this. It is nice to know that I am not crazy though. :)

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  5. You're not crazy. It's something I worry I won't be able to stop either when the time comes. Like a previous poster said, you've been through a lot and it's your truth to tell or not tell. So far, we've only told our parents and I want to keep it that way as long as I possibly can. It's not crazy; it's PgAL brain and it's hard to shut off.

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  6. I totally get your instinct to tell people it took you awhile.. you don't want to be one of those born-again fertiles or contribute to the idea that everybody on the planet just gets knocked up when they feel like it. ;) So no, I don't think you have to tell everybody if you don't want to but I also don't think you're nuts for doing it. ;)

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  7. I am not even pregnant yet (never seen a BFP in my life) and I already feel like this is how I'll react (to a degree - I'm no good at keeping my personal life secret). I feel like I need to be a voice for my own experience and for all those dealing with infertility. I think that most people (at least anyone who has never TTC or has had an easy go of it) think that there were no bumps along the way in conceiving, which in turn fuels all the misconceptions out there that have me (and undoubtedly others) believing that it'll be so easy and if it's hard we must be freaks (I do not actually consider myself or anyone else dealing with infertility a 'freak'). I want to be blissful in pregnancy and I hope that I'll let go of the pain of getting there, but I feel that I'll feel false if I don't acknowledge our struggle. Before I got concerned I was so excited about announcing a pregnancy (and yes that includes a facebook announcement), but I know when I see a fbook announcement I always assume that they conceived as soon as they started trying with no struggle. I feel compelled to mention that it was a long road so that anyone else out there thinking what I've been thinking when I see those things knows that they aren't alone. I can see my husband being annoyed with that though. I think he'll see it as me being negative or think that no one needs to think that our pregnancy or child is any different than anyone else's (I see that point for sure. Certainly our child shouldn't be considered different). Of course all of this is being said when being pregnant feels like a distant dream.

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  8. Such a good post.

    If I was still pregnant, I would be doing the same. I know myself. even when I was pregnant, I felt compelled to say that we'd had trouble or gone through IVF. I am such an "open book, share it all" type of person that I feel weird if I don't allude to the full reality, even if it's just to say "we had trouble". I just feel like it is such a disservice to myself and to other women who may be or have been in the same boat not to be honest about how hard it is. Then, it's up to them if they want to pick up the thread. But at least for me, I feel like I have honoured the reality of my situation and if they want to ask or share that's great, and if not then that's great, too.

    So, not weird at all!

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  9. I think, after all you have gone through, the way you are feeling/acting is probably perfectly normal. I'm not pregnant, but I do have a tendency to tell random, unsuspecting people about our loss. And I imagine if/when I ever conceive again, I will probably continue to do the same thing. I plan to just say something like "it was a long, heartbreaking road to get here." And if it makes someone feel awkward? So be it. So don't worry about it, friend! And talk about it if you need to. You have that right.

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  10. We're not yet at the point where we're telling people (other than the entire blogiverse and relevant medical staff), but when we are, I am certain that I'll feel like you. Even now, when I hear a congratulations, from a doc or a bloggie friend, I feel really fake accepting with a smile and a big thank you. My instinct is more to deflect it and explain it away (it's early, nothing's certain, anything could happen).

    I don't think it's rude of you not to say anything to people you don't feel like, such as coworkers (unless it's necessary for professional planning reasons). It's your business, and they'll figure it out eventually.

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  11. I don't know if it's crazy or not, but I did the same exact thing. I didn't really tell anyone about our pregnancy (other than parents and a few very very close friends) until something like 28 weeks, and then it was mostly because it was way too obvious to not mention. (I'm not particularly big and I was shocked that my secret was so easy to keep for so long) I'm 35 weeks and I still feel weird when some people ask me about it and I almost always feel like a fraud when I don't mention the path it took to get here. Especially when I get the follow up question from strangers or near strangers "Is this your first?"

    My personal life is mine and I keep it relatively private, I think there is nothing wrong with that. It's how I protect my heart and my family.

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  12. I was VERY scared to tell people I was pregnant too! I don't know your history, but after so much disappointment, I get it! People can be so nosy and you don't owe them A THING! It took us three years, almost to the day until I delivered my twins. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy!

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  13. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Congratulations on your pregnancy! I feel very similar to you. With the few people I have told about our pregnancy I immediately say "We did IVF, it took us a very long time to get pregnant"...I just feel like they need to know that it wasn't easy for us.

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