This is not good

Monday, July 30, 2012

**Before reading this please keep in mind that I have a bad attitude today and this post is going to contain lots of bitching, moaning, & complaining.  If you are having a fabulous and sunny day you may want to skip this one.**

All of these protocols that I am following are supposed to get me pregnant, keep me pregnant, and make my well-being a little bit better.  Pretty much seems to me like all of this "stuff" that I am doing and all of this money that I am throwing away paying isn't helping me out one bit.  I honestly feel as miserable as ever.

I am 9dpo and 99% certain that I am out for this cycle, yet again.  My temp isn't going up and I have ZERO symptoms.  No sore boobs, no twinges, no headaches, no constipation, no bloating, no gas, NOTHING.  The only thing that I do have is wicked PMS.  I am in a wretched mood and I feel for anyone who has to deal with me today.  I even yelled at my poor dog today because he was walking too slowly. 

This afternoon I have a 1-on-1 session with the psychologist, an hour wait, then my group therapy session.  I have zero interest in going tonight to either event and have wished several times this morning that I had not signed up for the thing in the first place.

I feel completely disgusted with myself right now.  I can't run and am now in terrible shape.  I feel fat and gross.  I have zero concentration at work or any desire to actually work on my career at this point in time.  I am not doing the relaxation exercises that I have been given because I just don't feel like doing them.  I honestly don't feel like I am doing anything well right now.  I really do feel like I am failing in all areas of my life.  I am more depressed than I was after finding out that my last pregnancy was a failure.  All I do is complain and bitch and mope around.  This is just not me.

Last night my husband and I had sex and instead of enjoying myself and being with him, I was thinking about how gross and unattractive I felt the whole time.  He is in the most amazing shape of his life right now (doing CrossFit) and I am in the worst shape.  He goes to the gym and out for runs while I sit and sulk on the couch.  How the fuck is this going to help me get pregnant??   

I called my RE this morning and left a rather frantic message about things not working out and wanting some guidance.  I bet you can guess that they have not called me back.  Who knows if they will.  Some days I think that I am going to switch doctors and then some days I say "what's the freaking point".  Still, other days I say I am just quitting all of this and trying things out on my own again.  The medical profession continually fails me, so why am I paying them all of this money?

I have a feeling that I am going to have a meltdown today in the psychologist office.  Stay tuned...

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11 Comments »

11 Responses to “This is not good”

  1. Please go ahead - I think it's important that your psychologist knows how you feel, in it's full fury. It is normal for therapy programmes to make you feel worse in the initial stages, although not for the reasons you're describing. You've been asked to make an awful lot of big changes awfully soon, I don't want to knock the programme because I desperately want it to work out for you - but perhaps there are better ways of getting regular therapeutic support that's not so prescriptive? One needs to balance the possible (and it is, only, possible) affects of jogging/low fat dairy with the (arguably) more widely known affects of stress and being overweight (which I'm sure you are not but might become perhaps). Talk it through with the psychologist honestly, and also seek advice from those close to you (personally and professionally), I guess it's a bit of a cost/benefit analysis time! Sending you much love

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    1. Thanks so much for the advice & hugs. I just feel so lost and not myself lately. All of these changes are really making me miserable when they should be helping. I was hoping to talk to my RE's office before this appointment, but it doesn't seem like they are going to call me back. Stupid medical field!!!

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  2. Hey sweet lady. You sound like I feel when I have been estrogen deprived for weeks. It does seem like the harder we try the harder we fall. What is that? I agree that you should go to the therapy and be as honest as can be. Everyone there either knows the ugly side of infertility and will understand or should see it because it is so real. If your individual session leaves you feeling unheard again I would maybe say something to the program director. Your therapist should, above all else, listen to you. I also think you need to do what makes you feel good. I don't know enough about your particular body or what running does to your fertility, but it seems like you need to do something! Just to keep from going insane. LEt us know how it goes if you decide to go, and if you don't than enjoy the night off and do something jsut for you (maybe go for a run, shhhhh, ooh you could run to the ice cream shop for full fat bliss, how is that for balance?) Love you.

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    1. Thanks, girlie. Just finished with the psychologist. She actually had some good suggestions for me. She suggested that I get a second medical opinion. I had gotten off the phone w/ my RE right before going in to see her. They told me they can't see me until Aug. 24 and to take the next cycle off. Even crying on the phone w/ the nurse didn't help me out. The psychologist helped me to realize that a month off from everything might not be awful and during that time off I could get a second opinion. What do you think?

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    2. Well my first reaction is that it is lame that your RE can't fit you in until late Aug so they suggest you take a cycle off at their convenience. Even if they have never been through this personally they must see how much this means to all of their patients and surely they have had others cry on the phone after telling them to take a month off. Freaking idiots. So I don't like that it is on their terms, on the other hand, I agree that it might be good to relax and regroup, maybe find yourself in all this mess. I also think a second opinion is a great idea. Sometimes I think these RE's are grabbing at straws at best, but maybe someone else could shed an entirely new light on your situation. No matter what you decide I think it is good you are asking questions and I'm really glad the psychologist listened to you. I hope the group session is just as helpful.

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  3. I think second opinions are good! I think to be forced to refrain from all the things you enjoy is crazy. Best of luck!

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  4. I really hope your meeting with the psychologist and the group were helpful. I've been thinking of you today. This process really sucks and the fact that your coping mechanism has been taken from you does not make it any easier.
    As for your above response, I think taking a month off and getting a second opinion is an excellent idea. We did just that and ended up with an RE who was much more responsive and sensitive as well as took our infertility more seriously and came up with a more aggressive treatment plan. Good luck hun.

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  5. So sorry to hear you're in a bad place right now...though really, who can blame you? All of this sucks and it sucks big. And I know nothing can be said to make it any better, but I just hope you know we all feel like this sometimes and I'm thinking of you and wishing you hope and peace and strength as you go forward.

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  6. I totally feel what you're saying. TTC sure can suck the life out of you! I hope you can find peace and comfort in the group therapy sessions...or in just doing things that you love (running) :-)

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  7. I had to come back to this post because I am totally feeling this way right now. I'm 9dpo on my second Femara cycle and feeling totally defeated. Typing it out sounds crazy because I've hardly given it any chance to work. I really hope it worked this time but I'm not not feeling it. My chart looks great and my boobs hurt but that's it. I'm sick of putting so much faith into my chart during the LP and only being disappointed! I know if anyone understands how I am feeling right now, it is you.

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    1. I hear you, my friend. I had almost no symptoms this time though. I had way more symptoms for cycles that I didn't even get pregnant on! It is so crazy how that works. I am holding out hope for you that no symptoms = good things for you. Hang in there. I am hoping and praying for you!!

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