The talk

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

First I wanted to say, thank you so much for all of the nice comments and support on my last post.  It really meant a lot to me and I took many of the ideas to heart.  Thanks again, ladies.  You are awesome.

The past two days have been hard.  On Monday, my husband picked me up from work at the train and then announced that he had to go back to work to complete a few more tasks and then he was going to C.rossfit at 6:30.  So , basically that meant that I wouldn't see him at all that night.  He dropped me at home and I sulked into the house, alone.  As soon as I dropped my bag on the bench, I burst into tears.  Even my dog who normally greets me at the door was afraid to come and say hi.  I cried for about 20 minutes and then decided I needed to get my lazy, out-of-shape ass to the gym. 

I wiped off the running mascara, put on some of Lulu's finest, and headed to the gym.  I ended up walking for 45 minutes at an incline of 3 (about 2.7 miles) and then I did squats, lunges, curls, and flies, with 5 lb weights.  The whole time I was walking I was thinking about the situation and fighting back tears.  I did not enjoy my time there.  In fact, I resented it.  I probably worked out harder than I should have.  Why?  Trying to get back in shape to compete with the twenty year old girls or something was my idiotic rationalization.  Stupid.

As soon as I got back from the gym, I broke down again.  I cried for a good hour just thinking about my poor innocent little baby.  He doesn't deserve a mom like this.  I felt really selfish for being so vain.  I also felt bad for not being supportive of my husband and jumping to conclusions that those stupid fit girls meant anything to him at all.  I felt ugly, huge, and unattractive.  Ugh.  I ate dinner and headed to bed.  My husband asked me if everything was ok and I just told him I was tired.  I didn't feel like talking on Monday.

Yesterday, when I got to work, I still felt bad.  My husband had driven me to the office and then we met up for coffee later in the morning.  We didn't talk much.  I knew he could sense my sadness, but he didn't bring it up. 

Luckily he did not go to C.ross fit last night.  He was tired.  I was tired.  We decided to stay in and rest.  As we made dinner I decided that I had to say something.  I brought up how I was feeling and no sooner than the words came out, I was a bumbling mess of tears.  I told him how I was having issues dealing with gaining weight, being out of shape, and my changing body.  I mentioned how self conscious I was and how I felt so guilty about feeling that way since we worked so hard for this little guy.  I told him that it didn't help that he was constantly with young, cute, and in-shape girls every night. 

What happened next was somewhat of a surprise.  He came over, gave me a hug, and started crying.  He said he felt so bad and didn't know that I felt this bad.  He told me that I meant everything to him and that he wouldn't be able to continue on if I were not there for some reason.  He even said that when I am out of town for a few days that he is completely lost.  He also said that he doesn't know why it took him so long to realize that I was the only one for him (only 7 years before we got married :-).  He told me that he thought I was beautiful all the time and he was so excited to start our family.  He thanked me so much for carrying our son and said how wonderful it was, but acknowledged that it wasn't an easy task.

We spent about 20 minutes just hugging, kissing, and talking in the kitchen.  He told me that he never stops talking about me while he is at C.rossfit.  That made me smile a little and feel better.  I am so glad we talked.  I am lucky that I have a sensitive husband who really does love me and will talk to me openly and honestly.  I know that some people see crying in men as a sign of weakness, but I don't.  To me, it means that he feels comfortable enough to fully express his feelings and emotions in front of me.  That makes me feel so special.  Last night I was fully reminded of how much I really love this man.  I am so excited to have this baby boy with him.  I am so excited to start our family.

On a completely different note, I wanted to thank Alicia for my lovely socks!  I participated in Cristy's Fertility Sock Exchange last month.  If you haven't done it yet, you should.  It is such a great idea.

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5 Responses to “The talk”

  1. 1. Your husband is awesome. Awesome! Stork's stamp of approval.

    2. Your socks are awesome.

  2. Love those socks! And I'm so happy that you guys had that talk. It's not always easy to be so honest but it's always beneficial. Your hubs sounds so wonderful and you BOTH are lucky to have each other!

  3. I am so happy that you were able to have a heart to heart! I participated in the sock exchange. It was great fun!

  4. Love your socks!

    Your husband is a sweetie. I'm so glad you could discuss this honestly and openly and that he could make you feel better. He sounds like the perfect match for you.

  5. Aww I'm glad you opened up to him. You are both very lucky, and that is one lucky boy you are carrying as well. I wish all men felt comfortable with expressing emotion that way.