For a change, I am not using the word jealousy to describe my envy of someone with a sizable bump or a cute little newborn.  Nope.  This time I am using it to describe something completely different.  Please don't judge me too harshly.

Let me start with a little background, which I think I may have mentioned before.  My husband is in awesome shape right now.  I mean he is usually in great shape, but right now he is probably in the best shape that he has ever been in EVER.  He started doing C.rossfit a few months ago and recently got invited to be on the competition team at his C.rossfit gym.  When he first told me that he was asked to be on the team, I was so excited for him.  I pictured he and a bunch of super-fit guys lifting weights and doing lots of burpees at competitions.  I was right to some extent, but not completely.  I found out that about 65% of the team is made up of girls in their early twenties.

At his first competition a few weeks ago, I felt very awkward.  Here is my husband laughing and joking with a bunch of super-fit 23 year old girls while I sit on my lazy behind and "cheer them on".  There are a few really nice girls on the team who have been very friendly to me right off the bat.  There are several others who I can tell want nothing to do with me.  I can tell that me being there interferes with their ability to flirt with my husband unabashedly.

My husband has been going to C.rossfit practices two times a week, plus regular workouts 2-3 days a week for a few months.  These practices and classes last for 2 hours a night.  Basically, I see my husband for 1 hour a night if I am lucky since I have been going to bed at 8:30-9 PM since I have been pregnant so basically, he spends more time with these girls right now.  Oh yeah and we haven't had sex in over 4 months and I have been shooting this gross yeast infection cream up my who-ha for the past 6 nights.  That's hot.   I have started developing a complex.  A serious jealous complex.  Not a good side of me.

Yesterday my husband had another competition that he wanted his mom and I to go to.  He left at 7 AM to meet up with 3 other competitors to drive down together.  Two of the competitors were girls.  The thought of it drove me absolutely crazy.  He did end up having to drive down separately though because his mom was going to drive back home directly from the competition.  That made me feel a little better until my mind started imagining things like one of those girls hoping in for a ride.  Ugh.

The competition itself was very long (over 5 hours).  My MIL and I got there at 10 AM and we both brought our dogs which proved to be huge pains in the asses.  We spent most of the day outside, freezing, because those competitions never have big venues and half of the activities are outside.  It was great to see my husband competing because he really is talented.  I videotaped all four of my husbands events.  He was awesome and I was so proud.

At one point I was standing around with my husband, MIL, and his 3 teammates (the guy is nice, one of the girls is nice, the other girl is not-so-nice).  I noticed that the not-so-nice girl was wearing a sweatshirt from the college I graduated from so I asked her if she went there.  She replied "only for a semester" and then walked away.  Ummm ok bitch.

Towards the end of the day, my back started hurting from controlling my dog on his leash for several hours.  My husband had finished his last round, it was already pushing 3:30 PM and I was super hungry.  I thought we were going to leave, but my husband said he wanted to watch the girls last competition.  I felt my blood start to curdle.  He, his teammate, and mom were all standing across the ring watching those two girls lift weights shouting for them.  I stood across on the other side.  They waved at me to come stand with them but I declined their invitation and went to the car and sat with my dog.  I was really feeling sorry for myself at this point.  Quiet tears running down my face.

I am not trying to complain about being pregnant here, so please save your judgements if you think I am just being selfish.  I am so happy to be be pregnant with my son.  I love him so much and I am so grateful for everything that I have right now.  I am also human and have tons of extra hormones in my body right now.  I am being completely honest here.  I have started to feel very depressed.  I have started to have body image issues.  Here I am, watching my husband who is in great shape, handsome, friendly, funny, cheer for some in-shape 23 year old girls that flirt with him tirelessly.  I am in terrible shape.  No muscle.  No endurance.  I have only been focused on one thing for the past 2 years...getting pregnant and having a baby.  I have let everything else go. 

In the car ride on the way home, I was quiet for a while and vowed to myself that I would not mention my jealousy to my husband because I didn't want to wreck his day.  Somehow it slipped out though.  I couldn't help myself.  I brought up how I felt left out and how it made me so uncomfortable that the girls were flirting with him and that him cheering from them really made me feel bad.  I missed him cheering me on when I was racing competitively.  I told him that I was jealous of his interaction with the girls on the team.  I told him I thought one of the girls had a crush on him.  As the words escaped my lips, I regretted them.  I felt bad.  Why was I trying to wreck his moment and making this about me?  I was so angry with myself.

To my complete surprise, he wasn't at all mad at me (which honestly made me feel worse).  He told me he understood and knew that it was killing me to sit on the sidelines and not exercise and be the athlete.  He told me that he had no idea that the girls might have been hitting on him because he was focused on the competition.  He told me that he was actually flattered that I was jealous and said it was cute.  He told me that my job right now was to grow a healthy baby and it was ok that I wasn't in the best shape of my life (even though he told me he thought I was in better shape than a lot of the girls in the competition...haha).  He told me that he was sure I would bounce back into shape in the spring and that he couldn't wait to cheer for me.  Seriously, I felt like a complete piece of shit.  Oh and while we were driving he got a text from his teammate saying they got 3rd place in the team competition.  His teammate was standing alone on the podium with a medal.  I felt even more like a piece of shit for complaining that I was hungry and making us leave before he could get an award.  I suck.

Well he was right about the athlete thing for sure.  I miss being in good shape.  I miss racing.  I miss getting the attention and the pats on the back for doing a good job and setting a new PR.  Seeing those girls get high fives and pats on the back from my husband kills me.  Hearing them cheer for him makes my skin crawl.   That is only part of it, though.  Just knowing that he is spending so much more time with them hurts my ego feelings and makes me feel inadequate.  I am not sure how I can get past this.  I have not dealt with this type of jealousy since college.  I guess one more thing to talk about with the therapist next week.