I have a confession to make, I still surf through various forums that I used to frequent when I was right in the thick of dealing with my fertility issues.  Sometimes I leave comments and offer support and other times I just read.  For some reason, I still feel very much connected to those ladies that are going through issues that are similar to what I experienced, much more than the pregnancy forums.

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I just got back from a terrible trip to the shopping center.  I had to get some ramekins and a table cloth for Christmas dinner from H.omegoods.   I also had to get food for Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, and Christmas dinner from W.hole F.oods.  I also had to stop at the "regular" grocery store to get some things that they don't sell at WF like K.eurig & S.wiffer).  Now, I normally hate grocery shopping and recently I have been doing it alone every week because my husband has been working on our new bamboo floors.  It is bad enough to tag team it, but braving it alone at the holidays while pregnant is even less fun.

First of all it took circling the parking lot several times to find ANY parking spot.  I ended up stalking a mom and her daughter for their spot.  Every store was jam packed with people picking over the last few available items.  Luckily, I got what I needed from the regular grocery store and H.omegoods.

Then I battled to leave the parking lot to go on to the next one.  Somehow I always have 2 SUVs on either side of me so that I can't see when I am backing out.  It never fails.  I like having a small car, but not in a parking lot.

W.hole F.oods was a DISASTER area.  They had police directing traffic even though there is a light.  I was lucky to get in and find a spot their fairly fast as someone was just pulling out.  No shopping carts at the door so I waited for someone to bring theirs back.  Then I realized I lost my shopping list.  Somewhere between the last 2 stores I must have dropped it.  F*ck.  I was able to do most of my shopping from memory though.  The store was packed with the usual WF a-holes.  I complain about the bargain grocery store having too many illegal immigrants or people buying gallons and gallons of fruit punch with EBT, but WF has mostly stuck up assholes who don't care if they plant their cart right in the middle of a crowded isle so no one can get by.  Also, for some reason they stock the shelves during the day on Sunday so that is an added obstacle...EVERYWHERE.

People at WF are also known to shop while wearing headphones or while talking on the phone.  Today, some jerk-off guy was having a fight with his wife on the phone and nailed me with his cart and just kept on walking and yelling at his wife.  He didn't even hear me yell "ASSHOLE" at him as I tried to keep it together.  I always move my cart to the very side of the isle or in a place where it won't be in the way to everyone passing through.  He had plenty of room to get by me without hitting me.

When I finally had thrown (what I thought) was everything into the cart and made my way to the checkout I realized I forgot freaking kale.  I ran back through the sea of shoppers to the produce and thew the first one I could grab into a bag and ran back to the thoroughly annoyed cashier.  They packed all my stuff into 4 of my 6 cloth bags making them about 50 lbs each.  I guess I don't look pregnant, just fat.  $266 bucks was the damage.  WTF.

I made it back to my car and loaded the lead bags into the trunk.  Someone was already waiting for my spot so I hopped in my car, looked both ways, and then started backing out, only to have another c-you-next-Tuesday lay on her horn as she came flying through the parking lot.  I continued backing up anyways, to give the person who was backing up traffic on the other side my spot, and she continued to obnoxiously honk at me.  I gave her the middle finger as I peeled away to the exit.  Seriously, she couldn't wait 2 seconds for me to back out?!

As I drove away to my house, I saw the crazy lines of traffic trying to get in and out of the shopping centers.  Ugh.  Completely miserable.  Makes me question the point of this "jolly holiday".  Everyone seems pretty miserable to me and no one seems to have any "holiday spirit".

When I got home I took in a load of stuff only to remember that I forgot something.  My husband came in and asked if I needed help and I burst into tears.  Like hysterical tears so bad that he didn't understand what I was saying.  Maybe it is the hormonal overload and maybe it was the sea of jerks, but I just had enough and the thought of going out again was too much to take.  It took me a long hug to settle down.  Merry f*cking Christmas.

Bah Humbug Source

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I feel like I am still so very shocked when I hit milestones.  First it was seeing the strong heartbeat, then it was making it past 10 weeks (past my longest carried pregnancy), then it was making it to the second trimester, then it was 20 weeks.  Now I am at 24 weeks and I am still having trouble processing that I am really here.

I know that 24 weeks (the age of viability considered by most US hospitals), is the point at which the medical community will try to save a baby if it is born, but I also know that a baby born at this age of gestation faces a very uncertain future.  It does give me some comfort to know that they would at least try to save my baby if things went bad for some reason. This is a first for me.

I found a very interesting article on babies born extremely premature (22-24 weeks gestation).  I also found these statistics regarding babies born prematurely:

Image borrowed  from: http://www.statisticbrain.com/premature-birth-statistics/

Obviously a 39% survival rate isn't great.  I think the comforting thing to me is just knowing that they would at least make an effort to save my baby.  With miscarriage, they tell you there is nothing they can do and you just have to wait for the inevitable or have surgery.  Basically, with an impending miscarriage, you have no real choice other than to watch your baby die.

I know that there are some ethical/moral issues surrounding trying to save babies that are born so premature.  They have a long and painful road.  If they survive, they are usually faced with serious health issues.  I read one article that questioned if spending so much money to save something so frail was a good use of funds (tax payer, insurance, private, etc.).  I think it can be easy to say that it is silly to spend a ton of money saving an extremely premature baby if it is not your own.  I think that if that baby were yours, then you'd most likely do anything and everything that you could to keep your child alive if there was any hope that they might be able to pull through.  I guess I speak for myself though.

On a different note, yesterday I signed my husband and I up for a few classes: Childbirth, Breastfeeding, and Infant care.  Totally not cheap...$300 for all of the classes, but I think that they will be worth it.  I actually had a very vivid dream last night that I had my little boy.  I was trying to breastfeed him, but I had a ton of trouble as nothing was coming out (and my nipples kept inverting!).  He was really hungry and crying so I let him suck on the tip of my finger.  I did get to really see him though and he was absolutely adorable.  Holding him and seeing him was such a nice treat.  I was so annoyed when my alarm went off at 4:30 AM (yes, I get up super early to make my 6 AM train...totally sucks!).  I only hope that I am able to experience this joy in a few months.  Yes, I'd like him to bake in there for a few more months!     

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As I mentioned earlier, this past (extended) weekend was my crazy cookie making weekend.  This was also combined with registering at B.abies R Us on Saturday with my awesome friend who drove several hours to give me some amazing seasoned advice (if you are reading this...thank you again!!).  The whole registering process only took us 2 hours.  


Back to the cookies...  After registering on Saturday I got home around 5 PM and made 4 different types of doughs.  On Sunday, I took the dog for a 3 mile walk, went to the grocery store, made several more doughs and then started some baking and candy making.  I called it a night around 9 PM when my eyes started shutting.  Yesterday, I spent all day from 8 AM-9 PM in the kitchen.  Baking, candy making, frosting, and decorating.  Not to mention that I also put together 12 gift bags, with cookie lists and bows, for my colleagues and friends.  I also made up a few larger boxes for my husband and I to take to work and for my family members.

My feet were throbbing, my back was aching, and I was just generally exhausted last night.  I took a shower, which helped a little and was getting ready to wind down and turn in when I noticed some brown discharge/blood when I wiped.  Of course, I immediately freaked out.  I have not had any type of spotting during this pregnancy and I was happy about that.  Shit.

Of course I G.oogled.  To my surprise, I found mostly benign things related to my minor episode so I relaxed a little.  I did get out the Doppler and found my little guy with no problem.  I also could feel him kicking, so that helped, too.  I drank some water and went to bed.

This morning I woke up to no more brown on the toilet paper.  I felt a little bit better, but I am still going to call the doctor at 8 AM when then open.  I am guessing that they will want me to come in, but I guess I'll see for sure in a few minutes.  I am thinking i over-did it the past few days.  I am so tired and last night I really didn't sleep well.  We are going away this weekend, too, so the holiday hustle and bustle continues.  We have a Christmas tree, but have been too busy to even decorate it.

UPDATE: Called and talked to the nurse who said that since I am A Positive and it is brown and I have no pain that they are not concerned.  They said to call if anything changes (i.e. the blood changes to red or pink or I start having pain) and to take it easy.  Easier said than done!

Double-chocolate cookie bars.

My counter, taken over by Tupperware containers.

The finished project.

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One of my blogger friends (All My Pretty Ones) who I have been following for many months lost her baby last week at just a little over 18 weeks.  My heart is breaking for her.  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness that she must be feeling right now.  If you can, please go and offer her some support.  I think that she could definitely use it right now.

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If you have been following along for a while (or have read my timeline) you'll know that just a few short years  my husband wanted absolutely nothing to do with children.  He did not like them and definitely did not want any of his own.  I actually shared this same sentiment until I hit the age of about 28 and started seeing friends start families.  For me it was sort of like a maternal instinct kicked in all of a sudden.  I would see pregnant women and babies and feel an intense longing to start a family.  This did not start for my husband at the same time as it did for me.

There was a time in our relationship a few years back when I wanted to have a child (all I wanted was one) and my husband did not.  I thought that it might rip our relationship apart and so many sad thoughts were running through my head about our lonely future together.

I think we had only 3 really serious conversations regarding starting a family and my husbands reasons for not wanting kids were (and not in any particular order): he was afraid that he wouldn't be a good father,  he was afraid our child would be born with a serious birth defect, he just didn't like kids, he liked being a twosome and didn't want to come second, he wanted to travel, he didn't want to budget, he didn't like the thought of going to kids events, etc.  From this list, it sounds like he is a terrible and cold guy, but he isn't.  He ended up crying during one conversation and leaving during another.  Those were pretty dark days.

After that, I decided to give up the dream and topic for a while.  I needed to see if I could imagine a life with just the two of us.  We had some very fun times together after that.  We went to St. Lucia, went to Topsail Island, went out with friends, and generally enjoyed each other's company.  I did still feel pangs of jealousy and sadness whenever I got a birth announcement in the mail, saw something on FB, or got invited to a 1 year old's birthday party.  I remember a time when my Mom came to visit.  We walked with my dog to the beach and we saw a baby and his grandmother playing in the sand.  I told my Mom about our issue and she told me to give it time and that eventually he would come around.  I didn't believe her at the time.

Then his friend's wife got pregnant and everything changed.  He brought up the fact that he wanted to start trying and I nearly had a heart attack.  I wasn't sure exactly what changed his mind, but I think it was when he saw his friend holding their baby.  He saw the love between the two of them.  It was like the Grinch.  His heart grew 3 sizes that day he met their baby.  I am eternally grateful for her (their baby). :)

So then you all know what ensued when we started "trying".  Yeah I won't rehash that sad story, but you all know anyways.  Now we are here.  Cautiously, but optimistically growing our little boy.

So you might be wondering about the title of this post and what it means?  After our 3rd miscarriage, my husband and I were walking on the beach with our "son-dog" (one of the many names for our Dal) and he told me that he decided he wanted to have 2 kids.  That totally shocked me, but in a good way.  He said he wanted our child to have a best friend through life and someone to be around when we weren't anymore.  I agreed.  I was just worried we would have trouble even getting one.

Last night was my office Christmas party. My husband and I went even though I didn't really feel like it and none of my work friends were going.  It is a pretty big event with lots of booze, good food, and lots of people I don't know.  While we were standing and I was thoroughly enjoying a plate of fried calamari and kalamata olives, my husband popped the following question, "How many kids do you think we'll have?".

I was thinking this was a trick question so I said, "Let's start with this one and see how it goes.  Then hopefully we can have another someday."  That was what we had decided on during that walk on the beach.

He looked at me with a smirk.

I said, "Wait are you saying you want to have more than 2 kids??"

He smiled and said, "Yes, maybe."

I was in again in a state of shock!  What the heck happened to my husband?!  He went from kid-hater to family man?  I mean don't get me wrong, I love this new side of him.  It really makes me happy, but after all of the trouble that we went through (both mental and physical) for this one... I dunno, it is tough to think about trying for more than even one child at this point.  I am still worrying about getting this one into the world safely.  I am sure that I will change my mind though.  When I see this baby being born and then see him turn one, I'll have longings for those kicks from the inside again.  :)

P.S. 23 weeks today!

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This past Tuesday I had my regularly scheduled MFM visit with my doctor.  No ultrasound this time, so I was in and out fairly fast.  My blood pressure was still fairly consistent with where it has been at every visit to that place, higher than normal.  Tuesday it was a little lower than it has been at their office at 136/66.  They tend to use the machine when I go there and then they sometimes follow up with the manual one.  The machine always has a much higher reading than the manual one.  I am not sure why that is.

The next order of business was checking my weight.  I made sure to shed every non-essential piece of clothing for this, which is something that I have never done before.  For the first time in my life, I weigh more than 130 lbs (134 lbs to be exact).  I know, for some that doesn't sound like a very high number, but for me, the life-long athlete, it not the easiest thing to see.  I asked the nursing assistant how that number measured and she laughed (hopefully not at me) and said it was somewhere in the middle.

After all of that fun ended, the doctor came right in, which is not normal.  He is normally the doctor on call in the hospital.  Usually I wait around for a while, but I guess that today was a slow day or something.  He came in with a medical student, which I agreed was fine.  He mentioned my thyroid and I let him know that I was seeing an Endocrinologist who was seeing me every 3 months, still had me on the 25 mcg. of Levothroxine, and at my last check at the end of October my TSH was 1.07.  We was happy with that and I impressed the medical student by knowing my exact numbers.

The doctor had me lay down and he checked on the baby with the hand-held ultrasound.  Wow was this guy active while we were there (and then for the rest of the day).  He punched and kicked all over.  We even saw my stomach moving from the outside again.  The baby's head was down and off to the right and his feet were up to the top left, which was where we saw most of the outside movement.  I mentioned the Doppler incident and he mentioned that he doesn't recommend those to his patients for the very reason that I got worried the other night.  He checked the heart and said that it looked healthy to him, be he also said that during this time it can get irregular occasionally since it is working so hard to help baby grow.  At this point in time, however, it was beating away normally.  Phew.

We talked briefly about my weight gain, at my request.  I asked him what he thought about it.  I am up about 14 lbs.  He said he would like me to gain 25 lbs.  I gulped.  Note sure how I managed to gain 14 lbs already after losing weight in the 1st trimester.  I am also not sure how I am going to be able to only gain 11 lbs more during the rest of this pregnancy.  Any one have any tips or advice?  I walk at least 4 days a week for at least 2-3 miles at a time.  Plus, I walk to and from the train on most days which is a little under 2 miles round trip.  I eat healthfully (for the most part).  No soda and not a lot of sweets.  My typical day consists of (M-F):

5:30 AM
high fiber cereal (a God send)
fruit (usually a banana, berries, or an apple)
orange juice w/ calcium & vitamin D
water

8:30 AM
S.iggi's yogurt
berries
water

11:30 AM
leftovers from dinner or a salad
water

1:30 PM
fruit
Kind Bar
water

5:00 PM
hand full of trail mix
or
cheese and crackers
water

7:30 PM
chicken or fish (usually)
veggies
rice or quinoa
water

**Occasionally, I have a sweet treat or two in there like a snack sized peppermint patty or half of a Whole Foods triple chocolate brownie (YUM).  Also thrown in there as I prepare dinner might be some olives or some Cape Cod Reduced Fat potato chips.**

After that he asked me if I had any other concerns.  I mentioned my Vitamin D levels might be low and he offered to check them for me (it ended up being  on the lower end of normal at 38 ng/mL, normal being 20-80 ng/mL).  He told me to come in at the sign of any bleeding, prolonged pain, regular contractions, if I fall (in any direction), or for any other reason that I might feel concerned (gosh I love that place!).  He told me that he'd see me in a month and that we would do an ultrasound before the visit so he could better check how things were progressing.  I go back on 1/8.  I am excited to see my growing little boy!

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I haven't been using the Doppler as much as I was a few weeks ago.  Now that I can feel the baby move pretty regularly I haven't felt the need to use it as much, but last night I decided that I wanted to take a listen. I laid down on my bed and squirted the gel on my stomach.  I put the wand down in the usual spot (to the bottom left of my belly button) and started scanning.  I would hear him for a minute and then he would move away.  I could hear kicks and punches and heart echos every couple seconds, but I had a touch time actually  getting the heart to register.

I squirted some more gel on the right side of my stomach and continued searching.  I found something that sort of sounded like the heartbeat, but it was kind of troubling.  It would go "thump, thump, thump, skip, thump, thump, thump, skip".  It sounded like an irregular heartbeat.  I listened a little longer to see if it would go back to normal, but no dice, only "thump, thump, thump, skip".  I totally freaked out and ran to the computer to consult with Dr. G.oogle.  Of course, we all know that this is a terrible idea under any circumstance, but sometimes we just have out freak-out moments.

The things that I found through Dr. G.oogle, were of course 1/2 reassuring and 1/2 troubling.  I left the consultation feeling sad and helpless.  The only thing that made me feel a little better was that for the first time, while I was searching for the heartbeat with the Doppler, I saw the baby kick from the outside.  That was cool.  I know he is alive in there.  I also have a monthly appointment with MFM tomorrow, which was another thing that made me feel better.  At least I could mention it to them so they could check it out.

I went down and tried to cook dinner, but all I could think about was my poor little baby with an irregular heartbeat.  After I finished prepping dinner and had put it in the oven, I decided that I was going to take one last try at the Doppler.  I am a sadist I guess?

I squirted the gel, and put down the wand.  This time I put it a little lower than last time, off to the left side.  Right away I found that familiar sound.  This time, I could detect no irregularity and the Doppler registered about 140, which is what I usually see.  I listened for a few seconds and everything seemed normal again.  Then he kicked really hard at the Doppler so I saw that as my cue to turn it off.  Phew.  I felt so much better, but came to the realization that I should probably put the Doppler away.  It was awesome when the baby was smaller and I could not feel him kick.  I rarely had trouble finding him.  Now, I have so many different noises going on in there...the placenta, the umbilical cord, the baby, me, etc.  I have no idea if I really picked up the baby before or not.  Maybe that was something else?  Either way, I am going to fess up to the doctor tomorrow and tell him about my Doppler experience.  Maybe they will give me an ultrasound just to be sure everything is ok?  Maybe they will just tell me to put the Doppler away?  I think I might just do this voluntarily.

This week is a busy week, as have been my past few weeks (we bought our nursery furniture last week!).  Tomorrow is my  22 1/2 week appointment, Thursday is my work Christmas party, Saturday I am registering with the help of my friend who is an expert ;), and then the rest of my weekend will be consumed with cookie baking as is it COOKIE WEEKEND!!  I am also taking off work on Monday to get everything done.  Busy, busy!  Oh and in case you are interested, I added a new bump shot over on the photo tab.

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Thanks for all of the comments/feedback.  After thinking it over, I decided that I am not going to stop blogging.  I am going to try to let myself be a little more open with my thoughts and my ideas.  I need this space for me.  It helps to get out my thoughts and I really love interacting with others who really get it.

I am still on the fence about commenting though.  I have a core group of ladies blogs that I comment on regularly.  They comment on mine.  I consider them friends...real friends, even though I have never met any of them in person.  I feel like I really do know them.  I feel comfortable commenting on their blogs.  I think that limiting my blog list and stopping "drive by" commenting, even where friend bloggers solicit support for their blogger friends or I feel like I really get what the person is experiencing, is the way to go.  I don't ever want my comments to be taken the wrong way and I never have had the intention of hurting another blogger and if they don't know me or really know where I have come from then I guess this is possible.  Hopefully this is the last I'll be writing about this because this space is supposed to be for blogging about loss and pregnancy after loss and not blogging about blogging!

This past weekend, my husband and I sent out holiday cards which I created through V.ista P.rint.  I have been creating yearly cards (and sometimes calendars) for friends and family.  My cards, up until this year, have consisted of my furbaby family.  It has always been my year-long goal of getting them together for a picture where they are all looking at the camera.  As you can see, last year I succeeded, naturally!

2009

2010

2011

Last year around the holidays was tough for us.  We had our second miscarriage in the middle of December.  Holiday cards flooded my mailbox with pictures of new babies and happy families.  It was a tough pill to swallow.  My mom came up to help me through it (this was my only natural miscarriage so I wasn't sure how hard it would be).  She was amazing through everything.  She made me tea and watched K.eeping up with the K.ardashian's with me.  She also helped me bake cookies, which is something that I love to do.  At Christmas, I make 13-15 different kinds on my own.  I bake for 3 days straight and then deliver (or mail) bags and boxes to my friends and family.  Since I wasn't feeling very festive last year, my mom helped me make about 6 different doughs before she left.  Somehow I managed the strength to get all 15 cookies mixed, baked, frosted, decorated, bagged, boxed, mailed, and delivered.  Not sure where that drive came from as I bled heavily.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism?

This year my husband and I decided that we had been withholding the news of this little guy for too long.  Even though we will never feel comfortable with things regarding this pregnancy, we decided to combine our yearly card (with furbabies, too) with a baby/gender announcement.  Let me tell you, as I created and ordered the cards, I was filled with fear.  I was filled with even more fear on Saturday and I addressed and stuffed the envelopes.  What if this doesn't work out?  What if something bad happens in the last 18 or so weeks?  To me, it seems like I have been trying to hide this pregnancy, even at 21 1/2 weeks.  Still worried that I might lose the baby.  The truth is, nothing is certain.  No one can guarantee me a baby in a few months.  I need to accept that.  I also need to accept the fact that I am visibly pregnant.  Pregnant enough where strangers tell me congrats and where my co-workers tell me I "look so big".  There is always a chance that something will go wrong.  Sending out a card isn't going to make the chance any higher (man miscarriage has made me so superstitious!).  It is what it is.  What will be will be.

So this year we sent out cards and included our whole family and we are hoping and praying for the best in 2013.  :)

2012

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