Frustration :(

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Today was one of those mornings that I would like to request a do-over or wish that I would have stayed in bed to avoid completely.  I'll give a little background first before I start, yet another, depressing post.

I got my test results back from my 3 hour GTT yesterday.  The results were rather inconclusive.  The nurse who wrote the letter stated that, in their MFM practice, one failed test is borderline and not a flat out GD diagnosis.  She said that I barely passed the second screen (and my 3 hour was just weird) so that I should think about self-testing.

Details of other blood chemistry tests as follows: 
GTT - 1 Hr Glucose: 218 (Normal Range = 54 to 179): Out of Range
GTT - 2 Hr Glucose: 152 (Normal Range = 54 to 154)
GTT - 3 Hr Glucose: 61 (Normal Range = 70 to 139)
GTT - Fasting Glucose: 87 (Normal Range = 54 to 94)

To me, these results are an utter failure.  I clearly have an issue because normal pregnant women's bodies can process all of that sugar in an hour and get to acceptable levels.  Mine cannot.  I also know that I have an issue because my self testing has shown me that I have an issue, especially with fasting.

I called the nurse back immediately and told her that I had already started monitoring myself at home and I asked her for a prescription for the test strips and lancets.  She liked that I was being proactive and happily put in a prescription.  Too bad I told her the wrong monitor.  I called her back later to have her switch to the correct one which she said would be an issue.

Last night after work I decided to go to the gym then the to pick up the prescription.  The gym was miserable.  I felt like crap the entire time I was walking.  My stomach felt heavy and gassy and I was having shooting pains down my right side.  I only walked for a painful 40 minutes when I wanted to try for an hour.  I was pissed.

Afterwards I went to C.VS.  The girl at the counter wasn't especially nice.  I told her my last name and spelled it 3 times before she got it right.  She brought over the prescription, I signed for it, and paid for it.  Then I noticed it was for the incorrect strips.  I told her this and she said I'd have to go wait in line at consulting.  Of course there was a line of 3 people.

The pharmacist was really nice and said that the nurse hadn't put in the prescription for the other brand, but that she would do an override and sort everything out.  She mentioned it would take 20 minutes.  Awesome.  Meanwhile I could feel other people looking at me and judging me and I felt terrible about myself. Just awful.  Like a complete failure.  People probably see me buying this stuff and think that all I eat is sugar and that I don't care about my baby.

I didn't get home until late.  Luckily my husband did not workout last night so he had made an awesome diabetic-friendly meal.  Organic boneless-skinless chicken stuffed with pesto and wrapped with prosciutto, plus sauteed kale and garbanzo beans.  It was delish.

I tested an hour after dinner and my number 1 hour after dinner was good, 107 (should be under 140).  I then had what the nutritionist had suggested, a 1/2 cup of full fat vanilla ice cream with 1/4 cup crushed almonds on top right before I hit the hay.  It was awesome.  I figured this would help my number this morning...WRONG.

I woke up this morning and did my usual hair/makeup and then attempted to test.  Of course my fingers just would not bleed.  I went through 3 lancets before I finally got some blood out of my pinky finger.  My number was 97.  It is supposed to be under 90.  This immediately threw me into a bad mood.  WTF?!  I am doing EVERYTHING right and I still can't get this under control.  I am at a complete loss.  I don't know what to do now.  I am now planning my life around meals and testing.

I got ready for work in a huff, throwing things around and being short with my furbabies and husband.  I had to hustle to eat breakfast and get my lunch ready because I had to test (literally) on my way out the door to catch the train.  I scarfed breakfast then made my lunch then got my last minute things together so that I could test an hour after my first bite.  I am sure this was not a good idea, but I don't know what else to do other than eat as soon as I get up at 4:30 AM.  I tried pricking one of my fingers, no luck.  I tried again, no luck.  Then I tried a third time and must have hit something bad because I got a shooting pain up my finger and now it was throbbing.  NO FUCKING BLOOD.  I am using the deepest setting, mind you.  Seeing that clock tick away and the fact that I was going to miss the train made me even more frantic and I started crying.  Like hysterically.  My husband didn't know what to do other than tell me to calm down which only made me more upset.  My eye make-up was streaming down my face.  I tried one last attempt and finally got enough blood for a test.  My number was acceptable at 131.  My face was a mess.  

I called my endocrinologist (I see her for my thyroid and I love her) this morning to see if she could give me some advice or maybe get me an appointment before my next one in February.  She is out sick with the flu, but a nurse is going to call me back in the mean time.  

I should be used to this by now, right?  Things not going my way no matter how hard I try to control them.  Shouldn't I have learned from my miscarriages that some things are just out my control?  Why should I ever have thought that pregnancy would be easy when getting pregnant was not?  I guess I still have not come to terms with things.  I am still trying to fight for my belief that when I do things the right way, I'll be rewarded (or at least not punished).  Obviously this is not the case.  I am frustrated beyond belief.  I am seriously doing everything I can and it isn't working.  I am eating healthier than I ever have in my life and exercising even when I feel like shit and it isn't fucking working.  I read about what gestational diabetes can do to a baby and it makes me even more upset.  I don't want to do anything to hurt him or make him sick.  My body is failing me once again and I am, once again, powerless to fix it on my own.

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6 Responses to “Frustration :(”

  1. Aw D I am so sorry. I hate that helpless feeling. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and more.

    Have you thought about seeing a naturopath or getting acupuncture? I'm not sure if they could help or not but might be worth a shot.

    Hang in there. I know this is really hard but I still think your doing great and your baby is very lucky to have you already.

    1. Awww thanks girlie. I was actually thinking about calling my acupuncturist again. Do you think it is safe to try during this point of the pregnancy? I may be willing to try anything.

    2. Definitely. It is safe throughout pregnancy. There are a few points that can stimulate the uterus that they use to bring on labor. These should be avoided right now of course but just talk to your practioner about it and make sure you are both comfortable with the points being used. I think it would at least help with the anxiety and stress. I felt a huge improvement in my blood sugar stability when I was going regularly. Which is something that is tough in us with PCOS.

  2. Go easy on yourself, friend. It sounds as if you are doing everything you possibly can.

  3. You're doing your best, D, and that's really all you can do. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And honey, stop caring what other people think so much (easier said than done, I KNOW!). Those people judging you at the pharmacy? They probably weren't. But if they were, who cares? YOU know that you're not eating a diet consisting only of sugar and that's all that matters. It will be okay. Just take a deep breath and know it will be okay. ~ hugs ~

  4. Well that's frustrating to not have a definite answer, although it seems like you already had it to begin with. Please don't feel so bad about having GD. I swear it has nothing to do with how healthy you are, etc. Your body just doesn't like sugar. That's a good thing! Just remember, it could always be worse... but I hear ya on wanting to catch a break. As for walking only 40 minutes. That is awesome! I wish I could do that. I haven't exercised at all this pregnancy. I am a lazy cow. So as far as I'm concerned you are doing so well. I hope the finger pricking gets easier. Just remember, this is not forever... just for a few months. Chances are with GD that you will NOT develop diabetes after you give birth.