My body hates me right now

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Even though I saw my therapist on Tuesday, I am still stuck in this awful rut.  Tuesday, as it turned out, was a great day for me.  I worked from home, I ate perfectly 3 hours spaced apart, I didn't test (at the allowance of the Endocrinologist), and I walked for 40 minutes on the treadmill.  This might have been why my session with the therapist didn't include any crying or breaking down.  I was feeling great.

Yesterday was a different story.  My fasting and 1 hour post-breakfast numbers were ok/good, 90 & 98 respectively.  I think I at least have the breakfast thing down.  Two links of organic turkey sausage, two pieces of low-carb whole grain bread, toasted, with all natural chunky peanut butter, and a cup of N.ewman's Own Organic Special Decaf coffee.  It is satisfying and easy.

Lunch was a different story.  We had baked a pork tenderloin the night before with ratatouille (roasted eggplant, onion, summer squash, and green/red peppers) and baked/chopped sweet potatoes so I brought that for lunch.  I had carefully measured out portions and counted the carbs.  An hour after eating that for lunch my number was 147, when it should be under 140 and ideally under 120.  Damn you sweet potatoes.  Guess that is another healthy food I just can't have for the next few months.  After this setback, my mood started to decline.

I didn't get to the gym yesterday and because it was only about 10 degrees Fahrenheit, I barely walked at all.  I don't think this helped me out.  Work was also stressful.  My boss kept calling over to me every half hour to whine and complain about the system I just delivered her.  Can you say...driving me crazy?!  Every time I would hear her say my name, I think my blood pressure would go up.

Last night I didn't feel like cooking, plus we didn't really have anything to cook, so I suggested Chinese/Japanese.  There is a place by us that we go to that has "diet" selections that I like.  Grilled chicken with mixed veggies and brown rice works for my carb/protein ratio.  I had that a few weeks back and tested fine afterwards.  My husband wasn't in the mood, but he obliged me nonetheless.  I called and ordered.  The person taking my order had extremely broken English.  This worried me.

My husband went to pick up the food and as we sat down to eat, I realized that they gave me the wrong food.  They gave me the chicken with mixed veggies in some unidentified type of sweet white sauce.  It looked (and tasted) totally gross.  This threw me into a tailspin and of course brought on the waterworks.  Frustration, anger, annoyance, was all coming together at once and was once again, too much for me and my pregnancy hormones to handle.  I completely lost it.  I went to the freezer where I found a bag of frozen shrimp stir fry.  I angrily measured out my small one and a half cup portion and threw it in the pan.  I was seriously ready to smash something.

I ate that with a half cup of brown rice.  It was well under my carb limit of 45g (I think it was around 35g).  Unfortunately my fucked up body decided to throw another one at me and give me a 145, 1 hour after dinner, which was my worst post dinner reading by far.  Normally that is my lowest of the day.  I guess I didn't have enough protein?  I don't know. It was just too much.  I was still hungry and tired and I didn't want to wait up another hour and a half for my number to go down so that I could have a snack.  I said fuck it and I just went to bed.  It was just too much for me to handle.

As I laid in bed last night I felt the baby moving around and kicking.  It makes me sad because I am not enjoying pregnancy like I thought I would.  I cried myself to sleep.

I am worried about going out of town this weekend to MIL's and next week my husband and I are supposed to go on a mini-babymoon to see our favorite band play.  We are staying in a hotel for 3 nights.  How am I going to be able to eat what I need to eat on a schedule?  Rather than being excited for the babymoon, like I was a few weeks back, it is stressing me out.  I don't even want to go anymore.

I have been having some thoughts lately about my miscarriages and have been tying them back to this whole situation.  Was the fact that my body was aborting pregnancies on its own trying to send me the message that my body never wanted to be or should have gotten pregnant?  Did I force my body to do something that it didn't think it was capable of handling by taking meds to sustain a pregnancy?  Did I mess myself up for good?

I am not quite sure what to do at this point.  I think I am going to call my MFM doctor today and have them put me on meds.  I really hate taking anything else, but I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I am hurting the baby more by letting my body go uncontrolled like this or if the medicine will hurt him.  I feel like either way, I lose and so does my baby.

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10 Responses to “My body hates me right now”

  1. I think that you need to see your therapist and that you need to relax. I don't mean to be a jerk BUT I know that my partner's blood sugar can be adversely affected by her stress level. I think that NOT testing and putting the extra level of stress could be a very good thing. Also it isn't like your bloods sugar readings are over 200 or 300. They are 7 points too high. Hang in there! I know this is hard but you will get to the other side.

    1. Thanks for the tough love. I need it for sure. I think a big problem for me is that I don't know enough about this to know that 7 points too high is not that bad. My MFM told me to stay under 90 for fasting, under 140 for 1 hour, and under 120 for 2 hour and that's it. They didn't tell me what would happen if I went over and if it was really a big deal or not for the baby. He is my main concern, obviously. I called them earlier and I have not heard back. Based on everything I have read, it seems like this diet should be helping, but it only is to a certain extent. I feel like I definitely need some more guidance from my doctors. Thanks again for the advice!

  2. Breathe! You've got to go easier on yourself girl! In all honesty, I would think that stress will be harder on you and the baby than the blood sugar readings that are just slightly high (and those may be attributed to the stress as well). And I'm pretty sure many many healthy babies are born to mammas that have to take meds for GD. You are not defective and our bodies may seem crazy and unpredictable but it's growing another life, that's a tough job for any body! I say all this in love hun! And the other person is right, your therapist may be a good outlet to help with some of this frustration too. Take a day (or two) and think of the most relaxing thing you can do and just do it and try to block out all the stress for a while. I know what it's like being a perfectionist myself and feeling like if I can't control my body then I'm a failure but it's just not true. You are doing awesome and that baby is so blessed and all this will fade away when that perfect little boy arrives!

  3. Again thanks for taking this in the spirit it was intended, I also know that it can take awhile for the body to adjust and then there are days that you do EVERYTHING right like you are doing and readings are high. As you know bodies are funky and don't always react the way they SHOULD. I know that you so want this baby and so want for you and the baby to be healthy, I just wish you could enjoy the process a little bit. Sending you low sugar vibes!

  4. You have just started the diet. How long did the doctor say to try just diet before going to meds? I'm sure there is some type of adjustment period. Please don't be so hard on yourself! Tons of women (not sure the percentage) get GD. You are not alone. You don't have some sort of weird ailment or issue that you CAUSED - like by smoking or drinking or doing crappy stuff to your body. Try to focus on the positive. You are still working out and working... and you have a great husband! Have you tried prenatal yoga or meditation? Could work for you! Hopefully you hear from your doc. soon and he/she can give you some direction.

  5. Unfair and not cool. You are so good for trying so hard. I might have given in to dessert by this point. You are such a caring mother. Don't be hard on yourself if you decide to take meds. You are doing it with your babies best interest at heart and that is good. Can you take chromium while pregnant? I will have to look into it. It seriously helped my blood sugar levels when I was trying to get pregnant. Also when I was eating as little sugar as possible I would eat sourdough bread. It is evidently the lowest GI of bread types.

    I would hug you if I was there and try to make you some kind of magic vegetable and protein icecream.

  6. Hang in there! It takes time to adjust to a new diet regimen. You'll figure it out. Yes, you've had a couple of high readings, but they are just barely too high.

    Please know I'm not dismissing your fears and frustrations. I know it's hard and scary. Deep breaths, hun. HUGS!

  7. Just wanted you to know that sometimes I still check on you to make sure your pregnancy is still ok. I can't read the posts, just a quick peek, because it hurts too bad. But I'm rooting for you.

    1. Thanks, girlie. I still check up on you all the time, too, but it is hard to know the right things to say. My heart truly aches for you. Big hugs.