Jealousy

Monday, November 19, 2012

For a change, I am not using the word jealousy to describe my envy of someone with a sizable bump or a cute little newborn.  Nope.  This time I am using it to describe something completely different.  Please don't judge me too harshly.

Let me start with a little background, which I think I may have mentioned before.  My husband is in awesome shape right now.  I mean he is usually in great shape, but right now he is probably in the best shape that he has ever been in EVER.  He started doing C.rossfit a few months ago and recently got invited to be on the competition team at his C.rossfit gym.  When he first told me that he was asked to be on the team, I was so excited for him.  I pictured he and a bunch of super-fit guys lifting weights and doing lots of burpees at competitions.  I was right to some extent, but not completely.  I found out that about 65% of the team is made up of girls in their early twenties.

At his first competition a few weeks ago, I felt very awkward.  Here is my husband laughing and joking with a bunch of super-fit 23 year old girls while I sit on my lazy behind and "cheer them on".  There are a few really nice girls on the team who have been very friendly to me right off the bat.  There are several others who I can tell want nothing to do with me.  I can tell that me being there interferes with their ability to flirt with my husband unabashedly.

My husband has been going to C.rossfit practices two times a week, plus regular workouts 2-3 days a week for a few months.  These practices and classes last for 2 hours a night.  Basically, I see my husband for 1 hour a night if I am lucky since I have been going to bed at 8:30-9 PM since I have been pregnant so basically, he spends more time with these girls right now.  Oh yeah and we haven't had sex in over 4 months and I have been shooting this gross yeast infection cream up my who-ha for the past 6 nights.  That's hot.   I have started developing a complex.  A serious jealous complex.  Not a good side of me.

Yesterday my husband had another competition that he wanted his mom and I to go to.  He left at 7 AM to meet up with 3 other competitors to drive down together.  Two of the competitors were girls.  The thought of it drove me absolutely crazy.  He did end up having to drive down separately though because his mom was going to drive back home directly from the competition.  That made me feel a little better until my mind started imagining things like one of those girls hoping in for a ride.  Ugh.

The competition itself was very long (over 5 hours).  My MIL and I got there at 10 AM and we both brought our dogs which proved to be huge pains in the asses.  We spent most of the day outside, freezing, because those competitions never have big venues and half of the activities are outside.  It was great to see my husband competing because he really is talented.  I videotaped all four of my husbands events.  He was awesome and I was so proud.

At one point I was standing around with my husband, MIL, and his 3 teammates (the guy is nice, one of the girls is nice, the other girl is not-so-nice).  I noticed that the not-so-nice girl was wearing a sweatshirt from the college I graduated from so I asked her if she went there.  She replied "only for a semester" and then walked away.  Ummm ok bitch.

Towards the end of the day, my back started hurting from controlling my dog on his leash for several hours.  My husband had finished his last round, it was already pushing 3:30 PM and I was super hungry.  I thought we were going to leave, but my husband said he wanted to watch the girls last competition.  I felt my blood start to curdle.  He, his teammate, and mom were all standing across the ring watching those two girls lift weights shouting for them.  I stood across on the other side.  They waved at me to come stand with them but I declined their invitation and went to the car and sat with my dog.  I was really feeling sorry for myself at this point.  Quiet tears running down my face.

I am not trying to complain about being pregnant here, so please save your judgements if you think I am just being selfish.  I am so happy to be be pregnant with my son.  I love him so much and I am so grateful for everything that I have right now.  I am also human and have tons of extra hormones in my body right now.  I am being completely honest here.  I have started to feel very depressed.  I have started to have body image issues.  Here I am, watching my husband who is in great shape, handsome, friendly, funny, cheer for some in-shape 23 year old girls that flirt with him tirelessly.  I am in terrible shape.  No muscle.  No endurance.  I have only been focused on one thing for the past 2 years...getting pregnant and having a baby.  I have let everything else go. 

In the car ride on the way home, I was quiet for a while and vowed to myself that I would not mention my jealousy to my husband because I didn't want to wreck his day.  Somehow it slipped out though.  I couldn't help myself.  I brought up how I felt left out and how it made me so uncomfortable that the girls were flirting with him and that him cheering from them really made me feel bad.  I missed him cheering me on when I was racing competitively.  I told him that I was jealous of his interaction with the girls on the team.  I told him I thought one of the girls had a crush on him.  As the words escaped my lips, I regretted them.  I felt bad.  Why was I trying to wreck his moment and making this about me?  I was so angry with myself.

To my complete surprise, he wasn't at all mad at me (which honestly made me feel worse).  He told me he understood and knew that it was killing me to sit on the sidelines and not exercise and be the athlete.  He told me that he had no idea that the girls might have been hitting on him because he was focused on the competition.  He told me that he was actually flattered that I was jealous and said it was cute.  He told me that my job right now was to grow a healthy baby and it was ok that I wasn't in the best shape of my life (even though he told me he thought I was in better shape than a lot of the girls in the competition...haha).  He told me that he was sure I would bounce back into shape in the spring and that he couldn't wait to cheer for me.  Seriously, I felt like a complete piece of shit.  Oh and while we were driving he got a text from his teammate saying they got 3rd place in the team competition.  His teammate was standing alone on the podium with a medal.  I felt even more like a piece of shit for complaining that I was hungry and making us leave before he could get an award.  I suck.

Well he was right about the athlete thing for sure.  I miss being in good shape.  I miss racing.  I miss getting the attention and the pats on the back for doing a good job and setting a new PR.  Seeing those girls get high fives and pats on the back from my husband kills me.  Hearing them cheer for him makes my skin crawl.   That is only part of it, though.  Just knowing that he is spending so much more time with them hurts my ego feelings and makes me feel inadequate.  I am not sure how I can get past this.  I have not dealt with this type of jealousy since college.  I guess one more thing to talk about with the therapist next week.

share this on »
{Facebook}
{Twitter}
{Pinterest}
18 Comments »

18 Responses to “Jealousy”

  1. Ugh... You're in a tough spot here. Anyone would feel the same though. As happy and grateful as we are to be pregnant, it's still difficult to lose our former bodies, and have no control over the way we're changing physically...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. After working for something for so long, I feel like I have no room to ever say anything that might be considered/perceived as negative.

      Delete
  2. It might be my own pregnancy hormones, but I was moving along fine until your husband said your jealousy was cute. I hate crap like that. Jealousy is something that needs to be respected and discussed, like all emotions, and not marginalized as a cute school girl emotion to be casually dismissed.

    I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open, even when you think the feelings are irrational. Being pregnant wreaks havoc on your body and your emotions. I'm sure there are ways that our bodies will never be the same. So for what it's worth, I think sharing your emotions is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself, your marriage, and your emotional health.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess that is why I let it slip out. :/ I am not good at bottling up my emotions and I usually crack when the weight gets too heavy. Yeah, the cute thing did bother me a little. I also tried to explain to him how he might feel if the she were on the other foot. He couldn't deny that he might feel the same way. It is just tough for them to understand all that is going on in my head/body right now.

      Delete
  3. I hated being pregnant, and I'm pretty sure my blog posts back when I was pregnant with Lucky was nothing but one complaint. Gratefulness for being pregnant AND not really LIKING the experience can go hand in hand. At least, it did for me.

    Not sure if it helps, but I was exactly like you. Course, my husband wasn't in shape either, so I didn't have that reality staring me in the face. But after years of treatments, I was heavy, out of shape and sore and my pregnancy was SO uncomfortable. Once Lucky was finally sleeping through the night, I decided to change things and lose weight. And I started running. I've been doing it since.

    So yeah, it's not that far away, you getting that fit you back. In the meantime, hugs. It's got to be hard to live with the discrepancy between you and your husband and NOT feel jealousy.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, girl. Makes me feel better to know that I am not just hormonal. I have never thought about the fact that I could be grateful, but also not like what pregnancy does to your body. I feel like others (especially infertiles) get upset when you mention anything related to pregnancy that isn't positive. I can see why they would though, I guess. I may have felt like that a few months ago. I am sooooo incredibly grateful, but it is also a very hard transition, which you understand. Thanks so much for your thoughts. :)

      Delete
  4. Oh I get it. I'm a jealous nut. I usually feel the most jealous when I feel the worst about myself. Pregnancy has completely changed my body and I resent it. I'm glad you have your therapist to talk to, when it comes to jealousy I am no help at all.

    It is so hard that he is spending more time with them than you. Especially when you aren't feeling very good and you aren't able to do all the things you would be doing if you weren't pregnant.

    For what it's worth, in your belly shots you look absolutely amazing. I see tone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup you got it...the worse I feel about myself the more jealous and self-conscious I get. I guess most wives get territorial around single ladies that try to hit on their husbands, right? I re-read my post and it sounds like all C.rossfit members are hot girls in their early twenties. Definitely not true (there are a bunch of not-so-hotties), but yesterday it didn't really matter. Two girls on the team at the competition, but there may as well have been 30 girls in bikinis instead. Thanks for the positive thoughts on the pics. :)

      Delete
  5. Comment from Melis that got eaten by the Blogger (why does Blogger do this to me?!):

    I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I know that I wanted nothing more than to have a baby bump and yet it was still very difficult to watch my body change as the number on the scale climbed and climbed (and climbed). And, to be perfectly honest, I am still struggling with it because my body is very different than it used to be and it's been nearly impossible to find time to start exercising again. But, I do know that if there is any mama that is going to get back into tip top shape after baby, it's you :-) And when you do, can you please share your secrets so I can figure out how to get myself back on track?!?

    As for the jealousy, I'd take it as a good sign that you still feel jealousy after all these years. I'm sure all your husband was implying by saying that he found it cute was that he was flattered that you feel jealous. Who doesn't like feeling desired? Just keep the lines of communication open and you'll work through it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Melis. I seriously feel like I am back at college stressing while he was away at school. Maybe we can run another marathon next year?? You know you want too! :)

      Delete
  6. JUDGED.

    Just kidding, I get it.

    I am not a jealous person, but whenever Bub so much as goes to dinner with work I... casually inquire as to how many ladies are going to be there. Just so I can drive myself bonkers.

    Screw these bitches they're awful.

    And yoooouuuu are delightful, and the one he wanted to knock up because you're awesome and will come back and drop kick these girls in the face athletically when you're not busy.. creating a human. (Which, by the way, is far more impressive than these dummies in their college sweatshirts. You went to hell and back for you and this man, and have lived to tell the tale).

    Just let me know if I need to beat anyone up. Polishing my brass knuckles as we speak.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might take you up on the brass knuckles offer. Seriously screw these bitches!!! :o)

      Delete
  7. Oh, honey, you do NOT suck! But you ARE only human, like you said, and I think almost any girl would probably feel the same way. I commend you for talking to your husband about it and for admitting to the jealousy you were feeling. That takes guts. But don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel this way, as long as you don't let it have a detrimental effect on your relationship. Oh, and as a side note, I think the round, voluptuous shape of a pregnant body is way more sexy and beautiful than any 23-year-old gym chick can ever hope to be. And I know a lot of men who feel the same way! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Cassie. :) I had a tough time dealing last night. When he told me he was going to C.rossfit the day after the competition I got pretty upset. I ended up crying most of the night. I did manage to get my butt to the gym though and I walked for 45 minutes and then did some light free-weights. Hopefully today will be better, but I feel another talk coming on...

      Delete
  8. You are only human and you are growing another one. And look at it this way... you will have the baby/child forever.. you also that amount of time to get your body back. Pregnancy is only temporary and it's worth it. Sounds like you'll have a rockin' hod in no time after birth.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your emotions sound totally normal--I would feel the same way. I have been benched from any type of workouts since March and it is KILLING me. I feel like a lumpy sack of cellulite. There, I said it. I know it's not true, but...it feels like it.

    And dealing with pg hormones on top of everything must be so, so hard. Give yourself a break, ok? You WILL get back into shape and feel so much better about your body image soon.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My husband and I are so close. I have never been jealous ever! And then the other night... at a work function (with my work people), the craziest thing happened... the girlfriend of a coworker started kissing my husbands ass (she is in law school and he is an attorney). At home he is just my husband. I had never seen anything like it. I had that wake up call where I was like... shit... if this is happening in front of my face. What is happening when im not there? cue internal freakout. I think we all have our moments. We are allowed. Im glad he reassured you that all was well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bless you! It really is hard...I often think back to when I fell pregnant for the first time. I was in great shape having practiced Bikram yoga 5 times a week for the previous couple of years. 1 1/2 years and 4 miscarriages later found me feeling like a flabbier bulkier shadow of my former self. And now I am almost 5 months pregnant and struggling more than I ought to with body image. RPL really takes its toll on your body and your confidence. Steer clear of those silly girls and situations that are likely to upset you. And remember you will bounce looking like your fabulous former self in a matter of months! (At least, that is what I have been telling myself!) Alix xx

    ReplyDelete