This is why I blog

Friday, November 30, 2012

Yesterday wasn't the best day for me in blog land and it wasn't for another blogger I follow, either.  The blogger that I follow recently got her BFP after infertility, miscarriage, and IVF.  She has expressed over and over how thankful she is and how scared she is.  I totally relate to everything she says even though we have slightly different circumstances.  Getting a BFP after loss brings with it a whole different set of challenges.  It is hard to be excited about something that you have had before and lost in an instant.

That said, just because someone has experienced a loss (or 2 or 3...) and has dealt with IF and/or has had some form of ART doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to be honest about their pregnancies when they do become pregnant.  Someone being honest and truthful about things (especially in the IF community) can often be misconstrued as being whiny or complaining when they "should just be happy they are pregnant and pretend everything is always roses".  Well, unfortunately this isn't always the case, as I have come to find out (my latest pregnancy malady is serious eczema of the left ear canal).  I am always very reticent in revealing some of my true thoughts on how I am feeling on my blog because I don't want them to be misinterpreted as me complaining and not being so incredibly overjoyed that my body was finally able to figure out how to grow a human being past 10 weeks gestation to hopefully give us the baby that we have wanted for so long in a few months.

Anyways, the blogger posted about her issues with her weight (something I actually posted on a few days ago).  I totally understood where she was coming from, but apparently others didn't. I don't know what was said exactly because I missed the follow-up post, but it made me sad to think that she was getting nasty comments for being honest.  There is nothing wrong with some comments of differing opinions, but there is no need to be rude and/or nasty.  Most of us IF/PL bloggers have been though enough and are just looking for some support and validation.  I don't know why some people feel the need to be mean. If you really don't like what the person is saying, then don't read any more.  Sheesh.

As for me, I had another issue with commenting on another blog.  I was offering support to someone who is going though yet another pregnancy loss.  Apparently my words were not good enough or something.  I am racking my brain trying to figure out what I said that might have offended.  I NEVER mentioned being pregnant or ANYTHING about pregnancy.  I only offered condolences like all the others because I have suffered through 3 losses myself in a short period of time.  I get it.  Or I thought I got it.  Anyways, for one reason or another my comment never got published.  I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant now or what and maybe the blogger knows that.  I guess that means that all of my earlier struggles don't matter.  The fact that I am pregnant now invalidates everything I went through apparently?  Maybe I am reading into things, but in this circumstance, I don't see how I could be doing that.  Maybe I need a lesson on proper commenting?  Maybe I should just stop commenting?  The whole thing just really bothered me for some reason.  I thought about it all night.  I ended up unfollowing the blog (my blog list is dwindling) because why read and give support where it isn't wanted?  I also questioned leaving comments on other blogs any more because I don't like this bad/guilty feeling of not knowing what I did wrong (still debating this one with myself and haven't decided what to do yet).  I still want to support those who are in the trenches, but maybe they don't appreciate my support or see it as sincere anymore.  Maybe they would rather I stay away?  That makes me sad, because I really do care.  :(

This is when I started having serious doubts about continuing to blog and follow/comment on other blogs.  I felt so much more connected when I was having trouble and experiencing loss then I do now. Even though a lot of the bloggers that I have been following are now pregnant, I still feel this way.  The bloggers who are now pregnant blog much less than before.  I am not sure why this is.  I guess I blog less, but mostly because I am worried about being too honest and offending people.  I sort of feel like once you are pregnant, no one really wants to hear about the pregnancy aspect of things.  Maybe this isn't true, I am not sure.  I also feel guilty for not having it as hard as some others have had it or continue to have it.  I only had to go through this shit for a year and change others have been going through this for years.  Sometimes it seems like it is a contest of who has it the worst.  I know that there will always be someone out there who has it worse than the next person.  That just sucks.  I know that when I was going through loss after loss, I felt the most comfort going through old posts of people who had experienced many losses and went on to have successful pregnancies.  I wanted to read all about their experiences.  They gave me so much hope.  

This morning when I checked my gmail, I found an email from someone who had experienced 3 losses in a short period of time (very similar to mine) and had just gotten a positive pregnancy test.  She was obviously very scared, but hopeful at the same time.  She found my blog and has been reading for a while.  Reading her touching email made me realize that no for every person out there who isn't interested in my story or thinks I didn't have it hard enough or something, there is someone out there who I might be helping and who really is interested.  I have connected (through email) with several ladies who have been through very similar situations as me.  I now email some of them regularly.  I check in with them and vice-versa.  We share worries and fears along with the good news.  Even though some of these ladies are on the other side of the world, I feel so connected to them now.

The email from the woman made me remember why I started this blog and why I continue to write.  This is why I blog.

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21 Comments »

21 Responses to “This is why I blog”

  1. Don't stop! Everyone has a valuable voice and perspective. People always have the ability to unfollow or skip posts. This is your space! As for hearing about the pregnancy, I would love to.

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    1. Thanks so much! I am not sure why the blog-world snarkiness bothers me so much. I think it is best to just cut out all the nonsense and stick with the ladies who get it (like you!). :)

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  2. Stay away! I'm kidding. If you stop visiting my blog I will hunt your ass down.

    Man alive there's some weird ish going on in bloggytown lately. Try not to worry about it too much - if someone's too much, unfollow them, and they can unfollow you. The ones that matter are the ones that matter. ;)

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    1. Haha. I know! What is up with the weirdness? Was it the full moon? So many people's blogs have gone private, too, and I hate asking for passwords so I just stop following. I hope things go back to normal soon!

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    2. I agree with Stork... I feel vested in your pregnancy... lol. Do it for me! I need to know this crap works out for people.

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  3. This makes me feel so sad for you that you are feeling unwanted and less connected. But please don't stop blogging and don't stop commenting either! Posting about pregnancy after infertility/loss is part of the journey. I wish people understood this. This is what we're all working towards, after all. And if you stop writing now, you're leaving the story incomplete. I always love to read what you write! And your comments on my own blog have been so supportive, so helpful, so kind. They always make me feel better. So don't quit! You ARE loved and a great part of this community. XO

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    1. You are so right, as always. Thank you for the positive thoughts. :)

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  4. I read the same blog you did - about the weight gain.

    Don't stop blogging. Not everyone is going to like you or feel happy for you that you're pregnant. That's ok. In fact, right after I found out you were pregnant I un-followed you. Stupid jealousy. Shortly after I re-followed because I really like your blog and wanted to follow your story! Glad I did. Then a while after that I got pregnant too. Glad you got that encouraging email!!! You deserve it!

    ~www.wantinganotherwagner.wordpress.com

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    1. I know it is so hard to see people getting BFPs when you get BFNs or losses. It totally sucks. I am glad that you came back and I am so happy that you are pregnant! I thought I started following your blog a while back, but I guess I screwed up. I am now a real follower! Congrats on getting to 17 weeks!!

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    2. Don't follow the What's Up Wagner one... for some reason I have to comment using that one... but my new one is http://wantinganotherwagner.wordpress.com.

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  5. Ugh. So so out of the loop! Having experienced all forms of IF / loss / pregnancy / parenting and having my daughter diagnosed with a birth defect (albeit a common one but totally shitastic) I feel qualified to say fertile or infertile gaining weight is one of the hardest things in pregnancy and especially after treatments when you have already stacked it on and haven't lost it. I was on steroids and grew a freaking beard. Hard core. It sucks I get it but being pregnant is hard you know we don't stop needing support from our community.

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    1. So totally true. We still need all of the support that we got prior to getting pregnant. It is a whole different set of challenges (mental and physical). Thanks for understanding. xoxo

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  6. Please don't stop! I love your blog. Please don't let someone else stop you from sharing your story so that others in a similar situation can know there's hope. (I know that sounds cheesy, but I do mean it.)

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  7. I heart you, and heart your blog just as much now as before you were pregnant! So so glad you blog!

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  8. I started to comment, but when I realized my comment was as long as your post I decided to just do a post of my own instead. I will publish it tomorrow. Thanks for bringing this up and inspiring me to write.

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  9. I hope these other wonderful comments have already convinced you not to stop blogging/commenting, but just in case, here's another vote for DON'T GO! Sometimes things can be strange, but as with friendship in real life, when one door closes, another one opens. There's a place here for everybody, just perhaps not the same place as before once things change, euphemistically speaking.

    I know that I have been looking for more PAIL-type blogs to follow as I seek reassurance that I'm not alone in my post-loss pregnancy anxieties and fears, and yours has been invaluable to me in that respect, too. Wherever anybody is on this journey, there's probably someone(sssss) out there who is in the same place and looking to share.

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  10. I just wanted to start by saying I suck at commenting. I read and every one of your posts and always think about things I want to say, but never get around to it. I'm a bad blogger!

    I have noticed I have fewer comments now that I am pregnant. I try not to take offense, but I understand that for those still in the trenches, it's hard to continue to follow and comment. I still hurts even though I know I have done the same thing. Like you, there are a handful of bloggers that I have developed a connection with that it didn't matter when they got pregnant and I still wasn't, I was genuinely happy for them. But there were others that I didn't feel that same connection with and I heard the news, it was difficult for me.

    I definitely don't think this is any reason to stop blogging. I tried to make note when I first found out that I would understand if there were some that chose to not follow anymore. It sucks, but it is the nature of infertility/pregnancy after IF/MC. :(

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  11. Just to say, I've completely experienced the same thing. Never sure if it's somehow patronizing or even downright rude of me to comment on peoples' blogs who are still 'in the trenches' even though I'm now pregnant... But at the same time still feeling as connected as ever to the infertility blogging community and feeling sad not to be getting as many comments or making as many connections as I did before.

    All of which is to say, it seems like there's a LOT of us who want you to continue blogging and several of us who are in the same pregnant-but-in-limbo-and-still-need-each-other space... So hopefully we can continue reaching out to each other!

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