An unexpected invitation

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Last October, after my first miscarriage, I joined a private support group on B.aby C.enter for people who had lost babies with an EDD of April, 2012.  I didn't expect much, but I figured that being able to commiserate with women who were in my shoes might help me with the healing process.  To some extent, I was right.

It was great to have a place to be able to vent and discuss my concerns following my miscarriage.  Some of the women got pregnant immediately after their miscarriages and some were waiting longer to try again.  Still others had yet another miscarriage.  I, unfortunately, fell into the later category. 

After I had my second miscarriage, those ladies helped me to stay sane.  They helped me to keep a positive outlook, when all I really wanted to do was bury myself under the covers and hibernate.  I found myself checking BBC regularly and even while I was at work.  You might say that I got slightly obsessed with it, but seemed to be helping me work though my stresses regarding my miscarriages.

At a certain point, the group decided to become more personal and move over to a private F.acebook group.  At this point in time, FB had gotten harder for me to use, but I hadn't completely stopped using it.  The FB group was great.  I got to become much closer with the girls from the group and it was nice to be able to put faces with names.  By the time the group had flipped from BBC to FB, several of the girls were fairly pregnant and  most everyone else (with the exception of a few who had medical reasons or personal reasons) was adamantly trying to get pregnant.  The private homepage was becoming a place where I would spend a ton of my time.  We would obsess over share our FF charts, opks, and pregnancy tests.  We had a spreadsheet with everyone's contact info.  It was a lot of fun.  Those girls really became a huge part of my life.

Fast forward to February.  I would say that about 50% of the group was pregnant at the point that I got my 3rd BFP.  I got my BFP right around the same time that 3 other girls got their BFPs as well.  It was very exciting!  We would all be due in November, 2012.  We all shared our FRERs (pregnancy tests) and then betas.  Then we started sharing ultrasound results and photos.  That's when I got bad news.  My pregnancy wasn't viable.  Everyone else had happy news to share and cutsie pictures of their little beans.  I had to share news of yet another miscarriage and D&C.  I was devastated and angry.

I made the decision to step away from the group and from FB, in general at that point.  I made a last tearful post to the girls who were sincerely upset for me.  Many of them checked up on me for weeks after.  I even got several cards on the EDD of my first miscarried baby.  It was nice to know that they were there, but I needed to take a step back from TTC and my obsession of comparing my life to the lives of my other FB "friends".  All of that comparing to "friends" that had 2-3 kids (when they had been serious binge drinkers all through college) already made me sad, mad, and jealous.  It brought out a terrible side of me that frankly scared me.  I had to break away for my mental well-being.

I managed to stay off of FB for many months.  I think I went on once or twice because I had gotten email notifications of private messages that were sent to me.  It took a while, but I completely broke my obsessive FB checking behavior.  It was around this time that I started my blog.  It was a change of pace, but still very therapeutic for me.  It was my own space where I didn't have to constantly measure myself against others.

Last Saturday, I got the mail and saw that I had a letter from an address that I did not recognize.  I opened it and saw that it was an invitation to a get-together in April of 2014 for all of the girls from the group in Chicago.  Immediately I had tears in my eyes because I could not believe that they still thought to invite me to this event even though I had stopped participating in the group back in March.  Getting this invitation gave me the kick I needed to go onto FB to thank those girls and come out of hiding.

Going back to the group was difficult, but also heartwarming.  So many of the girls have already given birth to their rainbow babies.  Many are quite pregnant or in their second trimester.  Two girls had just recently announced their BFPs.  I read back through a bunch of posts and then decided to add my own.  I thanked them for remembering me and I congratulated them on their exciting news.  The response I got was so nice.  So many of the girls responded and welcomed me back with open arms.  They asked me how I had been and I couldn't bring myself to announce that I was pregnant yet.  I simply said that I was doing well and finally felt like I was finally getting my life back on track. 

I am not sure that I am going to be going back to FB like I once was.  I did change my very stale profile picture and accepted a bunch of outstanding friend requests.  I also saw how many of my other non-April 2012 "friends" were either pregnant or had recently given birth.  It is still bittersweet for me.  Seeing the very pregnant girls that are due in November was hard to take at first, but then when I thought about it, I just had to be happy for them. 

I can't make up for what was lost (time, friends, hope) or change the past, but I can start to move forward again.  I can choose to be happy and thankful for where I am right now.  It sounds crazy to say this, but I think this invitation really gave me the kick that I needed to do that.  Each day that passes, I feel like I am, indeed, moving forward.  Slowly.  But.  Surely. 

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2 Responses to “An unexpected invitation”

  1. Slowly but day at a time! You are doing great! FB is such an addictive torture device. I tend to quitting after a miscarriage then slowly creep back on. Ugh.

  2. I can certainly understand why you would step away, both from the group and from Facebook. But it was wonderful that the group included you in the gathering, too, and that you feel comfortable slowly and gently re-approaching the group. Keep moving forward, one day at a time, and you'll get there, where you want to be, in the end. Hugs.