One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.