Update on prior post

Monday, September 10, 2012

**FYI - Non TTC or pregnancy related post.  I am very vague about the characters to protect the innocent and the VERY guilty.**

You may or may not remember this post, The grass is always greener, from a few months ago.  In that post, I wrote about one of my very good friends at work who had just found out that their spouse had been cheating on them.  Since the time that my friend broke me the news, I have been there for them, listening to weekly (or sometimes, daily) breakdowns and trying to give support when and where I can. 

My friend's spouse is a a whole mess of obscene names that I don't want to spill onto this blog at 8 AM in the morning.  This person decided that marriage to my friend didn't mean anything anymore so they decided to go on a website called A.shley M.adison (this is an evil site where married people go to find sexual flings with other married people) and find a random married person to have sex with while my friend was as home with their three adorable kids (all under the age of 8).  After the first rendezvous, this person decided that wasn't enough and went to look for another random married person to have sex with, but then got caught by my friend before the "deal could be sealed". 

Even after knowing all of this information, and after my friend's spouse made no attempt to apologize, my friend wanted to try to make the marriage work.  My friend and their spouse started couples counseling and both my friend and their spouse started individual therapy, even though the spouse decided that was too much for them so they stopped going.  My friend has also started seeing a psychiatrist even though the spouse refers to themselves as 2 different people (the one from before/during the cheating and the one now) and refuses to take any accountability for ruining their marriage and my friend's life.

This past week brought about some sad news from my friend whom I have seen change over that past 4 1/2 months.  After months of trying to deal with the pain of infidelity alone, my friend decided to go to the doctor to see if an anti-depressant might help.  The doctor prescribed Prozac and told my friend to visit again in 6 months.  My friend decided that was too long and made the appointment for a month into the future. 

My friend started taking the Prozac on a Thursday and by Monday of the next week started getting suicidal thoughts.  That Monday, my friend said that they started feeling at peace with dying and that they were ready to end it.  My friend started getting panicky and didn't know whether they should call a suicide help line or if they should wake up their sleeping spouse.  Instead my friend walked around the house and peaked in at one of their sleeping children looking so peaceful.  My friend curled up in bed with their sleeping child and was able to get some sleep.

After the suicidal thoughts incident, my friend decided that they wanted to take some time away from work.  I got an email from them yesterday saying that they are taking an indefinite leave of absence to sort through things.   I personally don't feel like this is the best idea, but since this is my good friend I am going to support them in their decision. I told them to call me anytime day or night if they need someone to talk to.  I offered my unconditional support.

Last night I had a terrible dream that I came in to work and saw that my friend's desk had been cleaned out and found out that they decided not to come back and not tell us where they were going.  In my dream I was sobbing so hard I woke myself up (I usually only sob in a dream upon finding out my sister is pregnant).  I feel so bad that this person is feeling so lost and low because of what their spouse did to them.  A once lively, funny, kind-hearted, life-of-the-party, kind of person has been reduced to this.  This morning, my friend's desk is empty.

I have often thought about how I would react if I found out that my husband was cheating on me.  My husband and I have actually talked about it before and we both believe that would be a deal breaker.  Game over.  I guess you can never really say what you would do unless it really happened to you (which I hope to God it never will), but I am fairly confident that for me would cause the marriage to be null and void since one of the basic principles of marriage is fidelity.

What would you all do in this type of a situation?  Would you stay and try to work it out with your spouse or would you tell them to hit the road? 

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2 Responses to “Update on prior post”

  1. This is so tough and litterally my biggest fear in life. I feel so badly for your friend.

    Like you said it is hard to know how I would react withought being in the situation. I too think it would be over for me. Although there is a part of me that wouldn't want to let my husband off that easily.

    In the end though I still think it would be over. My mom divorced my dad when she caught him cheating 30 years ago and still hasn't gotten over it. She has enver trusted another man and still lets her hatred of my dad run her life. If I ever decided to leave my husband over something like this I hope I would find the strength to move forward and not let it destroy my heart and my joy in a way that is unrecoverable. Even though it is the other person who does the damage I think we are all responsible for putting ourselves back together.

  2. I'm devastated to hear about your friend. I worry about her medical care...following up in 6 mths after starting a patient on a new (to them) antidepressant? That seems like a red flag. I hope she is getting more medical attention now.

    I don't know what I'd do if my husband cheated. Cannot imagine the devastation and am not sure I'd stay in the marriage.