Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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I have a confession to make, I still surf through various forums that I used to frequent when I was right in the thick of dealing with my fertility issues.  Sometimes I leave comments and offer support and other times I just read.  For some reason, I still feel very much connected to those ladies that are going through issues that are similar to what I experienced, much more than the pregnancy forums.

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My chart has decided to play tricks on me this cycle like it did my first Femara cycle.  In that cycle, my temp decided to spike at 13 dpo and then fall a ton the next day and the day after that, leaving me with an annoying 15 day LP and a very negative beta.  After my temp went down yesterday, it has decided to go back up again today.  I still have no pregnancy symptoms to speak of.  I don't even really have any AF symptoms either, though. 

Tomorrow is testing day.  I am really proud of myself that I have not once been tempted to pee on any sticks.  Ok, I lied, I have been tempted, but I have restrained.  I have looked at lots of positive pregnancy tests on FF, though.  I don't know why I have this masochistic obsession of looking at positive pregnancy tests when I near the end of my LP.  I guess I am hoping that maybe my body will get the hint and turn out a positive test?  Haha.  Wouldn't it be great if it were that easy?!  Look at these pregnancy tests and then in the morning...poof you are pregnant! 

I guess only time will tell. 

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After two fairly intense sobbing breakdowns yesterday (one with the psychologist and one with my husband when I got home), I made a few decisions regarding my next cycle.  I am hoping that I can actually stick to this plan because I think it will be good for me (and my husband) in the long run.  I need a break from all of this.

1.  I am not testing until Saturday if AF does not show up, but I expect that she will show up then or possibly before then).  My Wondfos and FRERs will have to sit unused in the closet until a later time.

2.  I am taking next cycle off.  One thing I know for sure about this off cycle is that it is NOT going to include Femara.  Even though I did refill my last prescription, I am not going to take it.  I don't think another unmonitored cycle is going to do me much good.  I am not sure if my cycle off is going to include temping and opks.  I have not yet decided on that.  I think I will play it by ear, but I will most likely temp at least so I can see how my body reacts to no more estrogen inhibitors.  Can you say late ovulation?

3.  I have an appointment with my RE on 8/24.  I am going to demand a better plan for the future and that plan is going to include monitoring and or more.  No more of this unmonitored Femara bullshit.

4.  I have an appointment with another recurrent loss doctor at a different hospital on 9/10.  I am going to ask for any and all testing that I have not yet received from my RE.  I am also going to state my current diagnosis (bad luck) and see if the new doctor feels differently.

5.  I am going back to running during my "off" cycle.  I will obviously be sucking serious wind, but who cares.  I need some endorphins.

6.  I am going back to yoga.  I was just starting to get really into it and I really miss it.

7.  I will have a glass of wine if I feel like it once or twice a week.  I freaking need it.

8.  I am going to start repeating my positive mantra that I learned last night during our cognitive restructuring exercise at the group therapy session: "I will carry a healthy baby to term".  I'll repeat this to myself when I feel those negative thoughts creeping in. 

All right AF...I dare you to show up.  I have a plan and even you can't wreck it.  So there.

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***TMI WARNING - THIS POST DEALS WITH SEX***

Fair warning people.  Read no further if talking about sex and org.asms (for the purpose of baby making, of course) makes you uncomfortable or offended!!  I am being totally honest and open here so here goes...

When I was on birth control I had ZERO sex drive (cue the KY).  Ok, there were a few days out of the month (usually right after my period ended) that I would maybe get the desire to have sex, but that wasn't a sure thing.  This frustrated both my husband and I, but we'd make it work.  I could have an org.asm once in a while, but if there was any amount of stress in my life at the time it would be extremely difficult.

Once I went off of birth control I felt like a new woman.  I actually had a sex drive again and something I never even knew existed in that of CM.  AMAZING!  I got my org.asm back with much less of a production and we got pregnant on the first real try after going off the pill.  Even the second and third times we got pregnant were seemingly easy even though my cycles were really long.  This has led me to believe that there may be some truth to the belief that org.asms may help one get pregnant.  Every time that I have gotten pregnant so far has happened with several org.asms during my fertile period.

The last two cycles that I have been on Femara have been good for the fact that they have pushed up my ovulation to a somewhat normal time frame.  The bad news is that I now have had much less of a sex drive on Femara and much less CM than I am used to, most likely due to the decreased estrogen.  Decreased sex drive + little CM = no org.asms = no baby (??).  I have read articles proving and disproving the theory that female org.asms (depending on when they are had) can increase one's chances of conceiving.  I have read in many places that female org.asm up to 1 minute before or 45 minutes after insemination causes increased sperm retention and thus a higher chance of conception (See article: Is Female Org.asm Important to Getting Pregnant?).

Obviously female org.asm doesn't have to occur for a woman to get pregnant.  My group therapy leader was discussing that while she believes that it is helpful because it also means that your body is generally more relaxed and open to conception, she knows that there are circumstances where people become pregnant against their own will (i.e. rape victims).  Also, women get pregnant from IUI so it can't totally make or break a chance at conception.
This cycle has been slightly different than my last two Femara cycles, which never contained any org.asms.  For the last two cycles I have been so stressed out just thinking "This has to work".  This cycle I started taking Mucinex on cd 10 and it is definitely starting to help now.  I noticed a ton of watery CM yesterday (didn't even need to check my cervix to notice that!).  I usually have several days of watery CM before a day or two of EWCM and a positive opk. 

Last night I was determined to "make things work"!  I used the breathing exercises that I learned in my group therapy to calm myself down before we DTD.  I also (secretly) used a little Pre-Seed ahead of time, which, if you haven't tried it, is an amazing invention.  Long story short, all my little tricks paid off last night and I finally got my org.asm back, again.  I think we fell right into the time frame above and things happened pretty simultaneously, too.  I am hoping that this is a good sign that maybe this cycle will work. 

I am curious to any readers who made it this far into the article... What are you thoughts on female org.asm and conception?  If you are pregnant or have gotten pregnant do you remember if you were able to hit the big O around the time that you conceived?  Do you find it harder to org.asm during your fertile time because you are stressing out about getting pregnant?

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**WARNING- LONG POST AHEAD**

The weekend was going so well, too... 

On Sunday, my husband and I decided to hit the beach early since the forecast called for showers in the afternoon.  The sun was shining and it was quite warm, but there was a great breeze off the water.  I was set up with the latest edition of Glamour (don't judge) and my husband with his Kind.le, just relaxing by the water's edge.  Then I had to open my big mouth and that is where things started to go bad.

Earlier that day, I had decided that I was going to work remotely today so that I could leave a little earlier for tonight's group therapy session.  While I was sitting there peacefully reading my magazine, I remembered that I had rescheduled acupuncture for today at 11:30 AM.  I had already rescheduled this appointment several times and while I was sitting there thinking, it occurred to me that I might be doing too much at this point in time and that it might be time to cut something out.  After all, the point of acupuncture or the therapy group is not to cause more stress, but to alleviate it.  I said (out loud) that I might put acupuncture on hold for a while until my therapy group was completed.  My husband shook his head and uttered the words "you are crazy" with a sarcastic chuckle. 

It was at this point that things started to take a turn for the worst.  Hearing those 3 words put me into a tailspin and I started running my mouth.  We argued about my many (and varying) infertility related endeavors that I have undertaken recently and how they were or were not helping.  Ultimately, the fight ensued because I wanted his support of my temporary cancellation of acupuncture and he gave me the exact opposite response that I was looking for.  He thought I should go because, like many of my other ventures, I started something and did not seen it through to the end.  How could I know that it was helping me or not, he argued.  I hated to admit that he was right. 

At one point in the conversation when I was talking, I noticed he was looking past me.  I turned around to see a woman walking toward us with her humongous breasts literally falling out of her bathing suit.  I lost it and made a comment that since we were having a serious conversation I'd appreciate if he would not stare at that woman's boobs and pay attention to me when I was talking.  I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He promptly put down his Kind.le and said he was taking a walk so I could cool off.

While he was gone I thought about things.  I thought about how much I have changed in the past year and how miserable and unrecognizable I was to even myself.  By the time he got back I had cooled off enough to start the conversation again.  I apologized for acting crazy and told him that I really didn't like myself right now and so I would understand if he didn't like me either.  As I heard the words come out of my mouth, the honest truth, I started crying.  There I was sobbing in the middle of the crowded beach with who knows how many people staring at me.  What a train wreck.  I couldn't help it.  The tears just kept coming.  I told him having a baby is the ONLY thing that I think about and I would love to stop and just start living my life like I had before.  I told him that I wished we could go back a year when TTC was exciting and new.  I told him I missed running and that I wanted my life back. 

Somehow we approached the topic of next steps with everything because I was was basically dumping my brain of all of the TTC clutter amidst the tears.  I told him that I worried what we would do if the Femara didn't work.  He said he worried that my anxiety about next steps was fueled by the fact that he didn't want to do IVF.  He said he thought that this was what I wanted now, if he would comply.

The truth is, I do worry that if these less invasive treatment methods don't work that we will be that unhappy childless couple.  Do I personally want to do IVF?  No.  I really don't want to put myself through the medications, the shots, the countless blood draws, the ultrasounds, and the doctor's appointments.  If the doctor told me that was our last resort would I do it?  Maybe.  I don't know.  How long will we go on like this though?  How long can I stay on Femara?  Will we try IUI (I don't think he is 100% opposed to that)?  Will we just go off all meds, cross our fingers, and hope for the best?  I mentioned to him that these are the thoughts that are constantly running circles in my brain.

We ended up agreeing to see at least one more Femara cycle (with monitoring from my RE).  After that we are most likely going to take a break from the meds for at least 1 or 2 cycles.  We also agreed that much of our stress is due to the fact that we have not taken a vacation together since Europe last April (before all the TTC madness started).  We decided to be irresponsible (because we still can be) and take Friday off work and head to Florida for a nice little unplanned getaway.  True, I will be missing one of my group therapy sessions, a day of work when I am so busy, and the girls night out with the "band-aid" friend, but I think that we both need this (ok, you got me, I am not sad about missing the girls night).  Just the two of us. 

So now I just have to get through this week.  I decided to come in to work today and attend my acupuncture appointment.  My husband was right, I think I do need to continue this at least for a little while longer.  I think I just got down last month when I thought about the $225 spent on acupuncture treatments that did not end up getting me pregnant.  I am so thankful for my husband, though.  Even though we have arguments that sometimes get rather ugly, we always talk them out and move forward. 

More deep breaths... 

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Happy Friday everyone!  I am so happy that this week is almost over.  I am sort of in an ADD type of mood and have a short attention span this morning and should be working so I am going to dish out some bullets again with a twist.  I am also categorizing my bullets this time..haha.

My Cycle State

• I am currently at cd 9 and just finished up my last Femara pill for the cycle.  I am hoping to ovulate around cd 14 this time...come on ovaries, you can do it!
• I am going to take Mucinex starting tomorrow.  I am not sure if I am going to take it once or twice a day.  Suggestions?
• I am going to try the SMEP this month since apparently just having sex every day didn't work which is this if you don't already know (from http://www.pregnancyloss.info/):

• Today I feel good, as I usually do before I ovulate.  I have a positive attitude thanks to my friends who are consistently cheering me on.  I have had an eventful week filled and had lots of different "information" being thrown at me.  Thanks to everyone who commented with advice on all of that.  I sincerely appreciate it all no matter what your opinion.  I am still trying to decide exactly what I am going to do with all of this info...

• I have been walking the past few days.  4 miles one night, 1.5 miles the next night, and 3 miles last night.  My dog is very happy and even though I feel bored while doing it.  It hasn't been that bad.  I do msis running every time I see a runner though.
• I have had a small dish of Ben & Jery's Cookie Dough icecream for the past 2 nights in a row and switched to 2% Greek yogurt.  That is about as far as I have gone with the fat thing. 

• One of my dear friends just gave birth to her 2nd child today.  She struggled with RPL before giving birth to her first daughter.  I am so incredibly happy for them.  Mommy and baby are doing great!
• Next Friday I am meeting some of my friends for a "girls night".  This will include my friend that got pregnant by accident, was upset that she was pregnant, and had her "perfect" baby in the late winter.  I have 2 sessions of my group next week so I am hoping I can figure out a coping strategy to avert a potential meltdown.  I need to see her...I haven't since a month or two before she gave birth.  I am finally going to rip off this bandaid. 
• We are finishing up painting my dining room this weekend!  Next we need to re-do the floors in both the living room and dining room.

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It is official.  Femara cycle #2 was a bust.  Apparently 8 days in a row of having sex while taking meds to help improve ovulation does NOT equal a baby.

I woke up yesterday to a much lower temp.  I had serious cramps and some lower back pain on Wednesday so I knew I was going to get my period, it was just a matter of when.  Last month I had days and days of cramps until AF decided to show up.  This month I had less warning.

We went to the beach with some of the very few single friends that we have left that also don't have kids.  My cramps had subsided and it was only 14 dpo so I figured I had until at least today before I would get my period.  WRONG!  I took a long trek to the bathrooms because, as usual, I had to pee and hate going in the ocean...yuck.  Bang, there she was.  Luckily I caught it before too much bathing suit damage was done.  Only problem was that I didn't have a tampon.  Luckily my husband had made a purchase at the snack bar so I was able to snag a quarter from him to buy one in the ladies room.  Then it was just my luck that as I was coming out of the bathroom stall with proof that we DID NOT MAKE A BABY this month, an 8 month pregnant women ran right into me.  That was seriously the only pregnant woman I saw on the beach yesterday.  WTF?!

Now on to a few things about this failed cycle...

1.  I ovulated one day earlier this cycle, up to 16.  I have now ovulated up to 11 days earlier than in my previous cycles.

2.  I had a 13 day LP this cycle.  I thought that LPs were supposed to remain consistent from cycle to cycle.  Mine have been 11, 12, 15, 13.  Not consistent at all.

3.  This past cycle was 29 days.  This is compared to my longest of 42 days back in October.

4.  This is the longest that I have gone without being pregnant in quite some time.  I have always gotten pregnant on the first try every time for 3 pregnancies.  Now I have gone 3 cycles without getting pregnant.

5.  I am not sure what went wrong this cycle?  Was it being sick right around O?  Was it lack of CM?  Was it the heat?  All of that money towards acupuncture and eating an entire pineapple didn't work.  What gives?

6.  The only silver lining that I see here is that, because I did not get pregnant on this cycle, I can stay enrolled in the group therapy sessions.  Apparently, if you get pregnant while in the program you can stay, but if you were to get pregnant before the start of the program then you were not allowed to join.  I need this program pregnant or not so luckily now I can still go.  Thankfully my first session is Monday.  

I am now on cd 2.  It seems like there are quite a few other ladies in the same boat with me who have just gotten AF.  Ladies, let's hope that this month is successful for us!

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For some reason I have been having weird pregnancy related dreams, or what I might equate to personal nightmares.  I have had 2 similar dreams in the past week.  In my first dream, I dreamt that my sister-in-law found out that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend.  The crazier thing is that my SIL is engaged!  In the dream, my husband was forcing me to write a letter to her telling her how happy I was for her.  I clearly remember writing the words in cursive on a decorative piece of paper.  The problem was that I was not happy for her at all.  I was so angry and jealous.  I didn't even seem bothered by the fact that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend, I was more angry at the fact that she was pregnant.  I would love to know what that one means.

Two nights later, I had a dream where my other sister announced that she was unexpectedly pregnant.  In that dream all I remember is being so upset.  In my dream I was sobbing so hard that I woke myself up gasping for breath.  I seem to have developed some deep seeded fear of others around me (mainly in my immediate family) getting pregnant.  It is like I am so worried that this is going to happen that I make myself dream about it so that I will have to deal with it.  This may be yet another sign that I should sign up for that program.

Unrelated item... I just finished my 5 days of Femara and am now on cd 10.  I think I'll start using opks again tomorrow even though I no I am not close to ovulating yet.  CM is always an indicator for me that I am close.  The waxing site has almost healed so it is time to get back in action.  Am I ready for this again?!

Totally unrelated to everything...  I went to see my favorite band, Keane, the other night and my husband and I were so lucky to be almost touching the stage.  The lead singer, Tom Chaplin, was amazing as usual.  Man that guy has a set of pipes.  One of the best songs of the night was a new song off their album called "Starting Line".  I think I have mentioned before that their latest album is so relevant to my life right now and this song is no exception.  Well when Tom was singing these couple of lines from this song, he was seriously looking right at me.  It was just the coolest feeling.

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This morning I woke up to another temperature that was above the coverline.  I wanted to chuck the stupid thermometer out the window out of pure and utter frustration.  Why won't my body just learn to cooperate with me?!?!  My temp was lower for sure, but still hovering just above that red line.  My cramps were still painful and totally felt like I should be bleeding profusely although I had nothing to show for them.

Once I got to work, the cramps got even worse.  I usually don't cramp very much before my period.  I usually get a temp drop, slight cramping, and then poof my period.  I was trying to work, doubled-over at my desk when my boss stopped by to ask me how I was "doing with everything".  She knows about my whole situation and is very sympathetic to it.  She had a few miscarriages and a still born.  She now has 2 healthy kids and a lupus diagnosis.  I complained to her about my uncooperative body and she let me whine for a few minutes.  After my rant I felt better and headed to the bathroom.  Sure enough, AF decided to make her appearance.  I have (almost) never been so excited to see her.  Now those cramps just don't seem as bad.  I am on cd 1 of the first real baby-making cycle since February.  Yay!

A few things that I have learned in this first Femara cycle:

1.  Femara helped to move my ovulation date up from day 26/27 to day 17.
2.  My opk test was positive the same day that I ovulated.
3.  I still had a significant amount of fertile CM while taking Femara.
4.  I'm not a super-fertile.  Having sex 2 times in one day during my fertile period did not get me pregnant (rats).
5.  PMS can last a week.
6.  I probably do not need progesterone supplements.
7.  Patience is a virtue and I don't have it.
8.  I don't spot before AF on or off meds.
9.  Femara did lengthen my luteal phase from 11/12 days to 15 days.
10.  My temp does not need to drop below the coverline for me to get my period.
11.  My total cycle length was 32 days.  This is in the range of NORMAL!! 
12.  No matter how many times I said that I was not trying last month, getting BFNs still hurts. 

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Apparently there is a strike going on with my body right now and apparently I didn't get the memo.  My body has decided to fail me once again and not let me finish this God-forsaken cycle.  Why is it that my body can go on strike whenever it wants and I can't cross the freaking picket line?  Enough with the metaphors, where the hell is my fucking period?

I have had cramps for the past few days and feel like I might start it at any minute except that my temp is still above the coverline and it always drops significantly on the day that I get my period.  Tomorrow is 16 dpo.  Is this just the Femara "doing its job"?  I am now beginning to dig up those fears of Asherman's syndrome again because of course one of the symptoms is feeling like you should be getting your period (i.e. cramps), but not getting it.  Fabulous.  Something to keep me up at night again.

I went for a run outside in the rain after work today just because I needed to get out and express my anger.  I hoped I might knock AF loose.  Well obviously no luck in knocking her loose, but it was good to pound the pavement for almost an hour.  I used to run almost every day, but when I got pregnant the first time I was afraid that running "might cause a miscarriage" so I stopped.  Ha.  What a joke.  I wish preventing a miscarriage was as simple as not running.  I used to be a good runner and take part in camps and get first place in my age group.  I think I even got first place female in a race before.  Now I can barely run 5 miles.  Ok I can run 5 miles with no problem, but it now takes me 42 minutes instead of 37 1/2.

I am ready to end this silly day.  I am praying that tomorrow I'll wake up with bloody sheets.  Ok that's kind of gross, but you catch my drift.

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I am not sure what is going on with my cycle.  I was all excited about ovulating on day 17 and now I am 13 dpo, getting negative tests, and I am not even having cramps anymore.  I had pretty bad cramps yesterday and I expected to get my period this morning, but instead I was greeted with a huge jump in temperature.  In fact, I recorded my cycle's highest temperature this morning.  WTF?!  I have no idea what is going on.

I did some research on Femara and longer luteal phases and I found quite a few posts regarding ladies who had longer luteal phases while taking this drug.  Some of them said their luteal phases increased by 2 days.  Apparently a 'normal' luteal phase can be any where from 10-16 days long.  I have been on the lower end of normal, but now I have a feeling that I am headed towards the higher end.  Ugh.  I was so happy to think I might have a 30 day cycle...now that is shot to hell.

I am also still feeling some dull pressure in my lower left pelvic area which I have come to the conclusion is probably a cyst or two.  I have definitely had this pain before in the cycle after my chemical pregnancy and during my last pregnancy.  I know that my sister has also had similar cysts before, as well.  I have only experienced them since being off birth control.

Tomorrow morning I go for betas and then in the afternoon I have acupuncture.  I am 100% certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  I have none of my usual pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, runny nose, really tired, really bloated, etc.) and the FRER I took this morning has never looked so negative.  I also just know I am not pregnant.  The last 3 times that I have been pregnant I have had a gut feeling.  This time I don't have that.  I am fine with not being pregnant, but I just want to get on with my next cycle.

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Thank you, Femara!  Fertility Friend officially gave me cross-hairs this morning.  I was worried that my disturbed sleep right around O (due to the nightly wildlife activity in my backyard) might have made things difficult to calculate, but I don't even have a dotted line!  FF thinks that I ovulated on cd 17, which is the same day that I had a positive opk.  Normally, I get a positive opk and then O 1-3 days later, so this is also a change from the usual. 

I am actually feeling very good about this cycle.  Not that I will get pregnant, but that my body actually behaved.  I am on track to have a 30-32 day cycle, which is in the realm of normal.  To me, that is amazing!  I am so happy that next month we can "go for it again".  I have a good feeling about the future and I have not felt that since before my first miscarriage. 

FF actually gave me a "good" chance of pregnancy this month with my 1 day slip-up(s).  Knowing that, I have decided that I am not going to do anything differently then I am already doing.  I am not going to take progesterone.  I am not going to stop exercising.  I am going to make a conscious decision NOT to get anxious.  I know that my last loss was a chromosomal abnormality and I am fairly confident that my first loss was the same.  The chemical...I am not sure.  I don't think that me doing anything differently is going to help or hinder me. 

So now I am back to the waiting game and the TWW.  So far no symptoms of any kind, but I am only 3 dpo, so I wouldn't really expect any yet.  FF says my test date is June 3.  Since that is a Sunday, I am going to get blood drawn on June 4.  I can't say that I won't POAS before then, but officially I will know what my deal is then.  I already have another 5 pills of Femara waiting in the wings.  It would be nice to not need them, but if my cycles are going to be around 30 days, I am totally fine with it.  Hoping the next 10 days by go fast!

I will leave you with a song from my favorite music group of all time, Keane.  Their most recent album is amazingly incredible.  I would suggest that you check it out if you have not already.  Oh and buy the deluxe edition.  Most of the songs are so relevant to my life right now, which is probably why I love it so much. 

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Another year older, that's me.  So far today has actually been an ok day... 

I am having a good hair day.
I picked out an outfit that looks good (might even say hot ;-).
A nice looking gentleman held the door for me at the train station and that NEVER happens in the morning.
The forecast is for rain, but it was sunny and warm on my walk to work.
Several cars actually stopped to let me cross at cross-walks on my walk to work and that NEVER happens either.

I guess the universe is throwing me a bone today...thank you universe.  Please keep this coming, if possible.

I haven't updated on the Femara lately, so I will do that now.  I finished with my 5 day course on Sunday.  My only real side effects were slight hair loss, slightly blurred vision, some fatigue, and the fact that I was ever so slightly more emotional than normal.  I had 2 mini-meltdowns last week.  One because I twisted my ankle while trying to go for a run one evening and the other on Mother's Day when I got a very sweet text from my sister, that lives far away, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day even though my babies are not with me.  Now the big question is, is this stuff actually doing anything to help me? 

I am on cd 11 and I had some mild cramping on my left side last night.  I think I usually switch ovulation sides each month so they could be O cramps since I ovulated on my right side last month.  So far I have not had any CM to speak of.  Normally I don't start noticing any until around cd 15-16 of a normal cycle so I would expect to have some now if my O date is deciding to move to a normal O.  I guess it could also be a side effect of the drug to have scant CM.  My temps have looked pretty normal for the follicular phase, also.  In the low 97s upper 96s.  I guess time will tell.  It is taking everything in my power to prevent this month.  I really want to go for it, but my husband is trying to be the voice of reason.  Not trying at all is almost as hard as actually trying.

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Oh Google, why do you let crazy hormonal ladies that are desperate to become pregnant search for fertility drug information?  I have successfully caused myself to freak out about the drug that I am going to start on Wednesday.  Popping that 6-letter word into the text box and clicking search has led me to some terribly scary articles and warning about using Femara as a fertility drug.  Fantastic.

My RE prescribed me Femara instead of Clomid recently to see if that might have an affect on shortening my cycles, moving up my ovulation date, and causing me to produce healthier eggs.  She told me that the drug was much easier to handle than Clomid, handed me a prescription, and saw me out.  Not a whole lot of guidance there.  :-(

Apparently, this drug has been used since around 2001 by fertility doctors to stimulate ovulation in women who don't ovulate or strengthen ovulation in women who already ovulate.  Femara is approved by the FDA to treat breast cancer patients as it inhibits estrogen production.  When used for fertility purposes, this drug is used almost identically as the drug Clomid is used, but has less side effects such as mood swings, decreased cervical mucous, and a thinned uterine lining.  The success rate is almost identical between the two drugs, but Femara is NOT approved by the FDA for fertility usage.

A Canadian study published in 2005 found that women who took Femara as a fertility med had a much higher risk of birth defects than women who were taking Clomid.  This caused the drug's maker, Novartis, to condemn the drug for fertility use.  Other studies have been done since 2005 and none have shown any higher risk of birth defects unless the drug is taken while pregnant.  It is considered a class D medication and should never be taken while pregnant.  Due to the fact that Femara is taken early in the cycle (usually cycle days 3-7 or 5-9) and it has a short half-life, it is not present at the point where pregnancy begins.  I question why REs would prescribe a drug for fertility that they thought had a high liklihood of birth defects?  I hope they have done all their research here.

I have trolled many different sites over the past few days trying to find success stories and I have found many.  I have also found many stories about ladies who it has not worked for or ladies who were cautioning against its usage.  It is enough to make any infertile woman go crazy and second guess an already tough decision that was made to start messing with nature.  Even after all of the tortuous reading, I am still going forward.  I hope I won't regret it.  Gulp.

Here is my protocol for my "prevention" cycle with Femara that I have researched (my RE basically just said take it from cd 5-9 and call us if you get pregnant):

1. Start 1 pill a day regimen on cycle day 5.  Continue 1 pill a day until cycle day 9.
2. Start opks on cycle day 10.
3. Hopefully ovulate between cycle day 14-17.
4. Wait 2 weeks and take a pregnancy test to make sure I am NOT pregnant.
5. Call doctor to get blood test to BE SURE I am NOT pregnant (I am not risking birth defects).
6. Get period, rinse and repeat minus protection.

Here goes nothing...

References:

The pros-
Letrozole (Femara) for Infertility Treatment:  http://www.ivf1.com/letrozole-femara-infertility/
Femara (Letrozole) for Infertility, Ovulation Problems and PCOS Treatment: http://www.advancedfertility.com/femara-letrozole-fertility.htm

The cons-
Femara: Warning Against Use for Infertility: http://www.drugs.com/news/femara-warning-against-infertility-1636.html
The Troubling Femara Infertility Connection: http://www.fertileheart.com/the-troubling-femara-infertility-connection/

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I talked to my doctor this morning to try to get some more information regarding the test results. She really didn't have much more to add. I asked her if she thought that a session with the genetic counselor was in order, and she felt that it was not necessary. Based on the fact that both my husband and I are both genetically normal, she feels that the chances of this happening again are not likely. I asked her if she felt that we should test the tissue from my first miscarriage and she did not think that was necessary either. She said she really believes that this is bad luck. I don't know, I have a huge problem with thinking that this is bad luck. I am a part of a group of less than 1% of women in the population that miscarry recurrently. She also told me that this is now an "explained miscarriage". Basically we know the cause of death of the baby, but not the cause for the miscarriage. Honestly, to me this seems like an unexplained miscarriage. We have no idea why a chromosomal abnormality was caused and we have no idea if it (or something like it) will happen again. Sigh.

I moved on from the past to the present and future and told her that I had ovulated last weekend and was now waiting for AF to show next weekend. She was happy with that progress. I asked her a few questions regarding the Femara. I am supposed to take it CD 5-9 and following with regular ovulation tests (and I will chart as well). She suggested calling the nurse next cycle if my period is late (I don't expect that it will be because we aren't TTC next cycle) so that I can come in for a blood test. I will definitely do that for the cycle where we start trying again.

A few hours later the genetic counselor called me back. I had left her a message yesterday asking her if she thought that our particular results of isochromosome 8, in combination with our normal genetic tests, warranted a visit to speak with her. She told me that she would be happy to look over our information on Monday and get back with me shortly after. I think I know that we are NOT going to proceed with further genetic counseling, but I think it would be interesting to hear what she has to say. She was very pleasant to speak with so I figured that I would take her up on her offer to look everything over.

So once again, no answers, only more questions. Happy Friday.

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