I totally forgot that my trip to see my family was coinciding with this month's ICLW that I signed up for.  I was wondering why I was getting so many random comments until I saw that one mentioned ICLW.  Ooops.  I am a little bit behind in my commenting and blogging, but I promise that I will make up for it this week!

I am going to pull some bullets here to catch up on some things for this post, but if I have time later I think I'll start into one of the posts that I have wanted to write about since last week. 

• My trip to see my family was really nice.  I got to celebrate my little sister's sweet 16 and the work that I thought would be ready for me to complete while I was there wasn't done in time so I didn't really have to do much except for respond to a few emails via BlackBerry.  I hung out with my Mom and Grandma mostly, but also got to spend some quality time with my two brothers and sister that still live at home.  We went out for lunch and went for some walks on the bike trail.  The weather was nice on a few days so we got to enjoy the lovely fall colors.  Yesterday, right before my flight back home, I asked my Mom to stop by the florist so that I could get some flowers to put on my Dad's grave.  Yesterday was what would have been his 56th birthday.  My Grandma (his Mom) went with us, but had a really tough time being at the cemetery.  She had not been there since his funeral 6 1/2 years ago.  It was hard to see her crying because she is usually so strong.  I was glad that I went though.  I know he isn't really there, but I felt like he was, in spirit.
• So far I have completed 2 therapy sessions with my new therapist.  So far, I really like her.  She is an older lady who has an extremely calming personality.  Her office overlooks a pond, so it is very peaceful there.  The first visit she spent mostly getting to know me and the second visit she focused more on getting my anxiety (surrounding pregnancy) under control with some guided deep meditation.  She also helped me deal with the small amount of anxiety that I was feeling about flying in general and flying while pregnant.  It really helped me because I did not have my usual anxiety-ridden flight.   My next appointment is Nov. 1.  I really am starting to feel way more relaxed, in general.  I am not sure if it is the therapy or just the natural progression of things.
• I found out a week and a half ago that the friend that I mentioned in a previous post that was pregnant and due in May after 5 miscarriages and 1 live birth (from IVF), had yet another miscarriage.  She went in for her 8 week ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat.  She ended up having a D&C yesterday (her 4th).  I feel so bad for her.  I know exactly how she is feeling, yet I wasn't sure what to say to her when I found out.  How do you console someone who is losing their 6th baby?  I let her know that I am here for her and sent her some flowers.  I am hoping to walk with her at the end of the week.  She is amazingly strong and is going in to her fertility clinic today to try to get some answers.  I really hope they can give her some hope.
• I got the second part of my quad-screen blood taken last Tuesday.  I arrived at the hospital right at 7 AM hoping to get in and out.  Turns out that I had the wrong paperwork and the lab would not draw my blood until I had the right papers.  I had to wait until 8 AM until the doctor's office opened so that they could give me the correct paperwork.  Annoying, yes.  End of the world, no.  I think we get the results next Tuesday...gulp.
• I am now about 15 1/2 weeks as of today.  I still haven't really wrapped my head around things yet. Am I really pregnant still?  Is this possibly going to work out?  The day before yesterday, right before I woke up, I felt what may have been the first flutters of the little Button.  I am still suspicious that it is the little one and not just gas bubbles or something, but it feels like what my Mom and others have described.  Almost like fish swimming around in there.  It is a very surreal feeling.  I still haven't told many people that I am pregnant yet.  I just don't feel like I can go and spread the news around yet without feeling uncomfortable.  Telling my relatives and family friends over the weekend was super hard for me.  I feel like I just don't have the right to be telling people.  I know, I am crazy.
• Finally...ICLWers: Hi!  Apologies for the late into.  You can find out more about me here and here.  I promise to get around to commenting, responding to comments, and blogging for real this week.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am excited to catch up!!

I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)