I wrote most of this post a few weeks ago, but got sidetracked and never posted it.  This past weekend, we celebrated my son's first birthday by having a rather large party with family and friends.  It was a really great time.  I was so proud to see my little son interacting with others and hamming it up for the camera.  Admittedly, those happy and proud feelings were mixed with a strong sense of sadness.  Sadness of no longer having a "baby".  Sadness because time moved so so fast during the past year.  Sadness because he may have been my only baby.

Without further ado, here is my post...

My son's first birthday is approaching the station like an out of control train.  I want it to slow down, it is going too fast.  No matter what I do though, the train is going to keep moving with my baby and I on it.  I blinked and my "tiny" 9lb 2oz sleepy baby was an over 22lb babbling little man.  Sound a little dramatic?  Maybe so.  Maybe not for mommies who are either done having children or are not sure that they will (be able to) have another.

This past week, I have been quite the weepy mess.  People mention to me about the impending birthday and I put on an ecstatic front of happiness when in fact I am actually filled with sadness.  Every time I think about my baby turning one, my eyes well up with tears.  Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy that I have a very healthy and happy almost 1 year old, but I am sad because this may be it for me as far as babies go.  I'm just not sure that another baby is in the cards for us.  He may be my first and last baby.

When I think back to all of the firsts that I saw my baby accomplish, I wonder, did I really appreciate that enough?  The first time that I looked into his eyes?  The first time that he smiled at me?  The first time that he belly laughed?  The first time he babbled "dada"?  Was I really present enough?  Did I really appreciate all of his firsts?

I also have some mommy guilt over some things that I have not done, or have done differently than I had originally planned.  His baby book sits within the living room coffee table almost completely untouched and instead Baby Connect holds most of the data from his first year.  The regular videos that I wanted to take with our video camera have turned instead into short clips on the iPhone.  The hand-print ornament that I was supposed to make for Christmas to put on the tree turned into a purchased one from Hallmark.

I am incredibly excited for the years to come.  They will be filled with many more firsts.  First hair cut.  First trip down the sliding board.  First day of school.  First read/written words.  There is so much fun stuff to look forward to, but there will be no more infant moments with him.  My little baby is growing up.  Soon he will be a toddler.  In creeps the sadness.

It is funny how, in those early days soon after B's birth, that the days seemed impossibly long.  I feared that I might not make it through.  Everything seemed so hard, so new, so scary.  My days revolved around breastfeeding every 2 hours and changing the right amount of mustard colored diapers.  Getting out for a walk was a monumental fete.  I would drive 40 minutes to Starbucks so that I could go to the drive-thru and not have to wake my sleepy baby.  Baby music class was my only social activity.  I barely recognized myself, both physically and mentally,  and some days I was worried that I might not be cut out for motherhood.  I was worried I might not be a great mother and that I was too selfish, to impatient, and much of a perfectionist.  Looking back on that, now, I realize that I was just transitioning from my individual self to my mommy self.  Everything was ok.  I wish I could go back and reassure myself  during those, sometimes bleak, days.  Everything was ok.  It really was.  Just different.  Maybe then I could have enjoyed those early moments with my son just a little bit more and I wouldn't have this nagging feeling that I may have missed out.  I can only hope that I did the best that I could at the time.

So now the first birthday has passed.  The first birthday party was a success.  The #1 candle was blown out and the presents were opened.  It's on to the future.  I'm not sure what it will hold, but I know that I am going to be present and I am going to enjoy it.  So I'll keep my secret quiet, for now, and hope that the sadness dissipates.

Another year older, that's me.  So far today has actually been an ok day... 

I am having a good hair day.
I picked out an outfit that looks good (might even say hot ;-).
A nice looking gentleman held the door for me at the train station and that NEVER happens in the morning.
The forecast is for rain, but it was sunny and warm on my walk to work.
Several cars actually stopped to let me cross at cross-walks on my walk to work and that NEVER happens either.

I guess the universe is throwing me a bone today...thank you universe.  Please keep this coming, if possible.

I haven't updated on the Femara lately, so I will do that now.  I finished with my 5 day course on Sunday.  My only real side effects were slight hair loss, slightly blurred vision, some fatigue, and the fact that I was ever so slightly more emotional than normal.  I had 2 mini-meltdowns last week.  One because I twisted my ankle while trying to go for a run one evening and the other on Mother's Day when I got a very sweet text from my sister, that lives far away, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day even though my babies are not with me.  Now the big question is, is this stuff actually doing anything to help me? 

I am on cd 11 and I had some mild cramping on my left side last night.  I think I usually switch ovulation sides each month so they could be O cramps since I ovulated on my right side last month.  So far I have not had any CM to speak of.  Normally I don't start noticing any until around cd 15-16 of a normal cycle so I would expect to have some now if my O date is deciding to move to a normal O.  I guess it could also be a side effect of the drug to have scant CM.  My temps have looked pretty normal for the follicular phase, also.  In the low 97s upper 96s.  I guess time will tell.  It is taking everything in my power to prevent this month.  I really want to go for it, but my husband is trying to be the voice of reason.  Not trying at all is almost as hard as actually trying.

Today is my last day of being 30.  My thirtieth year did NOT go how I planned it.  I am a planner by nature and so, as you can imagine, this has extremely difficult for me to accept.  I SHOULD have a baby by now. 

The year started out well.  My husband and I went on a fabulous trip to Europe to see The Netherlands, Germany, Italy and France.  We traveled by train, saw amazing sights, ate great food, and drank lots of local beers/wines.  We basically lived it up because we were under the impression that this would be our last trip as a twosome.  Once we got back to the US, it was one more month of preventing and then it was baby-making time.

The next 10 months were a blur of excitement, suspense, sadness, anxiety, hopefulness, depression, anger, jealousy, and desperation.  From the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant for the first time, to the suspense of finding out that the baby had a slow heartbeat, to the sadness when we found out that there was no heartbeat.  The anxiety and hopefulness of each subsequent positive pregnancy test to depression upon finding out that my betas were not rising appropriately or that the baby's heart was not beating fast enough.  The anger at God because I could not understand why this was happening to me when I had seemingly done everything right. The jealousy of seeing pregnant friends and the desperation of wanting a family of my own.  The last 10 months have aged me about 10 extra years.

Tomorrow I turn 31 and while I don't like the fact that I am a year older, I can honestly say that I am happy to say goodbye to 30.  It was one of the worst years of my life.  To give myself a little birthday present tomorrow, I have decided to give myself a cheat day from my painstakingly difficult diet.  I am allowing myself something sweet and 1 glass of wine.  I have been so good at following my special diet for over a month now and have endured a terribly rotten 10 months, that I am rewarding myself.  I am sure Dr. Zhang would not be happy, but I'm sorry, sometimes a girl just needs a little sugar and alcohol!

My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other day and I told her "a baby".  I was obviously joking (I wish my mom had some special powers, but I think I would have used them by now), but also slightly serious.  I really don't want anything else right now except to be a mother, myself.  If you are thinking of getting me anything for my birthday this year, just please say some prayers for my husband and me that 31 is a better year.