The past few weeks have been quite crazy for me.  You can always tell when my life gets hectic in that the frequency of my posts takes a complete nosedive.  Here is a little update as to why I have been more quite than normal lately.

A few weeks back I think I mentioned that one of my sisters found a lump in her breast and had to have a biopsy.  She also got back results from a PAP that pointed out potentially cancerous cells.  She had a biopsy on her breast lump and it turned out to be benign (YAY!).  She ended up having a LEEP done on her cervix and has to now go back for monitoring every 6 months.  That same sister, poor thing, has had such a rough go of it lately that you would think that the universe would give her a break.  Not so much.  WTF, universe?!

She called me early last week and mentioned that she was having some numbness under her right rib cage.  That had turned into her whole right leg going numb and a feeling of weakness when she walked around.  She was concerned so she went to the doctor and they given her an MRI of her spine.  She didn't have the results back yet, but she seemed really worried and told me to pray for her.

Last Friday she called me in a panic and told me that they had found a "growth" on her spine and needed her to go directly to the ER.  She was pretty scared.  They told her that they were not sure whether she had an infection, a virus, cancer, or worse, but that she needed steroids right away to reduce the inflammation of the "growth" so that she would not have permanent nerve damage and loss of feeling on her right side.

In somewhat of an organized panic, I made plans along with two of my other sisters to rescue our sister who was in serious need of some sisterly support.  What we found out when we got there was quite different than what we had imagined.  There was my younger sister, laid up in a hospital bed on the neurology floor with old ladies dying of complications from Alzheimer's and dementia. She just didn't seem to belong there because she was young and healthy.  It was sad and depressing.  She looked so bewildered, but also relieved to see us.

She explained to us that she had another MRI of her brain the previous night because they were trying to figure out what she had by ruling out what she didn't have.  Apparently the "growth" on her spine was actually a lesion and a condition called Transverse Myelitis.  They had also found two more lesions on her brain during the brain scan.  She calmly, but shakily explained to us that the most probable diagnosis was the auto-immune disease called Multiple Sclerosis and that this was probably an "MS" attack.

In that moment, my heart sunk to the floor.  Why her?  She had already been through quite a few other health related issues in the past few months.  How unfair.  She is young, eats healthy, and exercises.  She is getting married in a few months to a great guy who we all love like a brother, already.  She should be into serious wedding/honeymoon planning mode.  So incredibly awful.

In the day that my sisters and I were there, we got to hear from doctors and nurses regarding her condition.  Some were more pessimistic than optimistic and vice-versa.  Regardless of her diagnosis, it was determined that she would have to stay in the hospital for several days due to the IV steroids that she was receiving which, luckily, were helping to bring the feeling back to her leg.  She also had to have a lumbar puncture (or "spinal tap") to rule out all other possible diagnoses, but would not receive those results for at least a week.

I wish that I could have stayed with her longer, but I am glad that my husband was able to watch the baby so that I could go and give her some support when she really needed it.  So now we just wait for a more "official" diagnosis.  For now, my sister is feeling tired and frustrated, but at least she is home and continuing to recover from whatever she may have (or have had).

Me being the person that I am did some research on MS and I learned quite a few things about it.  I figured that it was a death sentence and a condition that, at the least, would lead a person to not be able to use their limbs, eventually.  What I found was that that is simply not true.  The National MS Society has a ton of great information and in my 15 minutes of reading on their site, I learned quite a bit.

I am still hopeful that maybe this was a one time thing and that the conclusive medical results will NOT point to MS.  If it turns out that it is, I am sure that my sister will be ok.  She is a very strong girl.  She may have to change a few things up, but she'll be fine.  I know it.

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I haven't really thought about my horrific birthing experience in quite some time, but this month's PAIL Bloggers theme brought to light that I have a ton of unresolved issues around this subject.  In this post, I am going to focus mostly on the issues and complications that I had during B's birth and how they continue to haunt me.  Here goes...

I have written in great detail about my birth experience, which you can read about below if you are interested.  I'll also give some of the highlights if you'd rather not go back 6 months:

Suffice it to say that I basically had (almost) the worst birthing experience that I could have imagined and the birth plan, that I had so carefully drafted, may as well have been shredded on the spot.  I was scheduled to be induced at 40 weeks, 4 days due to a raging case of PUPPPs and borderline gestational diabetes.  I was forced given Cytotec to ripen my cervix, which had been stuck at 2cm for weeks.  I was in a Pitocin induced labor for almost 40 hours.  I had my water broken by the doctor with a coat hanger because it wouldn't break on its own.  I was given an epidural about 28 hours into labor, but that stopped working by the time that I had to push.  I finally got to 10 cm and then pushed for almost 3 hours.  The baby got stuck in my pelvis.  I had to have an unplanned, emergency(ish) c-section.  During my c-section the doctors could not get my uterus to contract so I lost a ton of blood during the surgery and kept passing out due to low blood pressure (my husband later told me it looked like a murder scene with blood squirting and spilling onto the floor).  I really thought I was going to die.  The doctors kept telling me to look to my baby and focus on my baby, but I was more concerned with my own well-being.  I had to have a blood transfusion (actually, 2 of them) because my hematocrit levels were so low.  I blew up like a water balloon from all of the drugs.  My PUPPPs got so bad after I delivered that they sent doctors over from other hospitals to try to help me, but nothing did end up helping me.  I had almost no interest in my child in the hours that followed his birth because I was so drugged up and so exhausted.  Breastfeeding also went terribly and he ended up losing 10% of his birth-weight and I had to supplement with formula, which was something I said that I would NEVER do.

I am now 6 months out from that horrifically wonderful day.  It is horrific because of what I had to go through, but wonderful because I have him to show for it.  The other day I was looking back at pictures of B from when he was just a few days old.  He has grown so much from then until now (born 9lb, 2 oz and 21.5in and at 6 months he is 19.1lbs, 28in!) and looking back at his pictures made me so sad.  I barely even remember the first few days that I spent with him.  I was so miserable the first few weeks that I feel like I didn't get to enjoy him.  I don't even remember what his baby smell was like.  I was so worried about whether we was getting enough calories from my milk and having enough wet/poopy diapers, that I didn't get to savor the time that we had together.  I was so exhausted and drained from the labor, surgery, and recovering from my rash that I couldn't focus my attention on my baby.  I am still angry about that.  I haven't been able to let it go.

When I hear mommies talking about how their perfect vaginal birth went exactly according to plan, I feel like a failure.  My body (once again) failed me in this instance.  I wanted to have an uncomplicated birth.  I didn't want major surgery.  Why did he get so big when I was so strict with my diet?  Why didn't they induce me sooner so that he may have had a chance to fit through my (apparently) narrow pelvis?  Why didn't my body do what it was supposed to, when it was supposed to?  If I had lived in more primitive times, B and I would have most certainly both died.  I wanted to decide how many kids I would want and when I would want them and not have to let my doctor make that decision.  Now, I am pretty much going to be forced into another c-section, if I can get pregnant again, but only after I have waited the recommended 18 months.

I have talked to a few people about my unresolved issues surrounding the birth of B.  Even the mommies that have had unplanned/emergency c-sections don't seem harbor the kind of anger and sadness that I have surrounding my childbirth experience.  I don't get the sense that they feel cheated, like me.  Usually I get the, "well look at the result!", and well, they would be right, I guess.  I have yet to come across anyone else who really feels the way that I do.  Maybe no one else feels like I do.  I should just be happy that I have a beautiful and healthy son.  I know that I need to move on, but I can't.  I'm still so sad.  I cry about it when no one is around.  I still mourn it like a loss.  I feel like, once again, I was denied another womanly right and had to have medical intervention.

My childbirth baggage has definitely clouded the outlook for subsequent births.  I am not sure that I could ever go through that kind of experience again.  My husband and I were talking about this other day... The process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant, and childbirth did not go well for me and at this point, neither of us can see it happening again.  I want to have a sibling for B, but I am terribly afraid of everything that surrounds that idea.  I am wondering if time will heal the wounds that I have sustained or if they will continue to taint my future.    

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I can't even believe that it has been a little over one year since I found out that I was pregnant with my baby B.  After so many months of testing and going through the pain of losing pregnancy after pregnancy, I finally got another positive pregnancy test and another hope of a take home baby.

Of course, the road through the pregnancy was long and uncertain.  I was never sure if my doctor's visit would yield a positive or negative outcome.  I developed serious anxiety around going to the doctor to the point where my blood pressure was borderline high.  Ultrasounds were the absolute worst.  Silence from the technician was my cue for tears. I was petrified to "graduate" from the RE to an OB because it might jinx my situation.  Each test was more reason for headaches, sweaty palms, and stomach aches.  The Doppler became my best friend and my worst enemy.  Food aversions and nausea also plagued the first half of my pregnancy.  Thyroid issues, shingles, diabetes, PUPPPs...made the second half of my pregnancy even less enjoyable.  Even in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I still worried that I might not get to see my baby.  Fears of still birth raided my dreams at night.

From the second that I saw my baby's face, I knew that everything that I went through was worth it.  All of the memories of struggle and heartache in the beginning and all of the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and childbirth were pushed to the back of my mind.  If you asked me a year ago at this time where I would be today, I would never have guessed that I would be a mommy to an almost 4 month old.  I was convinced that I would never be able to carry a baby to term, but also more determined than ever to prove myself wrong.

Some people have been following my blog for a while now and others have stumbled upon it recently while searching for info regarding long cycles and late ovulation.  Still others seem to land here via a random Google search about miscarriages, looking for hope that their situation might have been experienced by someone else out in the universe who has ultimately been able to have a healthy baby.  My message to anyone looking for advice, guidance, or support would be this: never give up!  The journey my not always be easy.  There may be many bumps in the road.  There may be unexpected twists and turns.  There may be sadness and heartache, too.  Your journey may be easier or harder than mine.  Everyone's is different.  I think that it was all worth everything that I went through, for me anyways.

I wish anyone who reads this blog and is going through the same crap that I went through, the best of luck.  As always, I love hearing from people and though I might not always be the fastest to respond these days, I will write back to you!  Any support that I can give you, I will!

XOXO

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I talked with the geneticist today and as expected, she told me that there was no need for my husband and I to have genetic counseling.  She said the the odds of this happening again are extremely low, which she said was good news.  I told her about my first miscarriage and how I thought it was also a chromosomal problem.  She told me that I would be surprised how many recurrent chromosomal related pregnancy losses that she sees.  I asked her if she knew of any possible causes and she said this...at my age, bad luck.  She said sometimes the proverbial lightening strikes once, twice, even three times.  Wow, that really didn't make me feel better.

After talking to her I got thinking about getting stuck by lightening once or twice.  My mind then wandered to some other statistics and odds.

The odds that you'll get hit by lightening once are 1 in 576,000.
The odds that you'll get hit by lightening twice are 1 in 9,000,000.
The odds of becoming a pro athlete are 1 in 22,000.
The odds of winning the record lottery jackpot are 1 in 176,000,000.
The odds of getting hit by a bus and dying are 1 in 3,431.

Now on to some pregnancy related odds (Don't quote me on these because I did a lot of the math myself, but I did make it to AP Calculus)...

The odds of getting pregnant 1 out of 4 chance each month.
The odds of having twins are 3 out of 100 pregnancies (naturally).
The offs of having triplets are 1 out of 8,100 pregnancies (naturally).
The odds of having a miscarriage are 3 out of 20 pregnancies (not taking into account previous losses).
The odds of having 3 miscarriages in a row is 1 out of 200 pregnancies.
The odds of having RPL due to de novo (not parent related) chromosomal abnormalities are 1 out of 400 people who have repeatedly lost pregnancies.

I am not a math whiz, but those odds seems pretty tiny to me.  Maybe we should start playing the lottery?

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