Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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So apparently my husband and I got it wrong and the challenge starts today and not yesterday.  We decided that we would keep the start as yesterday though because we are just that dedicated.  Haha.  Not really.  The day was half over when we figured out that it started today and we had already thrown out our leftover pizza from the night before.  :-)

I am going to split these posts up into sections: Food, Exercise, Life.  If you aren't interested in the food aspect of this then please skip to the end.  I hope you all had a very nice New Year's holiday!

Food
Breakfast
1 cup heated frozen peaches (try it on a cold morning, so YUM!)
1 slice egg white frittata (from "Against All Grain" cookbook with: tomatoes, shredded sweet potato, onion, peppers, ground 93% lean ground turkey)
Black coffee

Snack
1 banana

Lunch
Kale & spinach salad (with: 4oz grilled chicken, peppers, carrots, cucumbers, celery, olives, lemon juice/olive oil)

Snack
Apple with Almond Butter

Snack
Small cup almonds, macadamias, and cashews
3/4 cup sugar snap peas

Dinner
Sea scallops sauteed in olive oil/chx broth (with bacon and Brussels sprouts)

Snack
Homemade plantain chips (fried in organic coconut oil)

Exercise
Yesterday was a huge first for me!!  I ran a 4 mile new years day race and I ended up getting 3rd place overall woman!!  My pace was the fastest that it has ever been in my life (6:37 minutes per mile).  I really felt strong through most of the race until it came to the last 1/2 mile.  I kind of ran out of gas, but I still finished better than I ever thought I could.  I am so excited to do more races this year!!!

Life
After my race yesterday, I was super productive and took down all of the Christmas decorations and organized all of the new toys.  I vacuumed and dusted.  I folded laundry and did the dishes.  What is it about 1/1 that makes people so productive?!

I was totally craving carbs after my race, especially after seeing all of the granola bars and bagels on the snack table afterwards.  I restrained myself and had a banana.  This is going to be harder than I thought because I am used to having some natural sugars.  This cold turkey thing is rough.

In (in)fertility news, I stopped taking the stupid mini pill.  I was forgetting at least 3 times a week and the amount of sex that is happening lately isn't making me too worried that I'll end up with an oops baby (if that would even be possible for me).  I have no interest in having a baby at this point in time.  I was thinking that the recommended 12-18 months between c-sections seemed like a lot, but now I am actually thinking that is a good idea.  I really want to run the NYC marathon this year so that means no pregnancies until at least November!  ;-)

  

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In the weeks that followed my c-section, I frantically searched the web for anything that could help me with my bloated looking "mommy tummy".  Sure it was only a few weeks post the birth of my son, but I was not at all used to having a saggy belly and I was not content to just wait and see what happened.  I took matters into my own hands and I am so glad that I did.

Those early internet searches yielded me things like the Tupler Technique and Complete Motions.  I am not going to discount sites like these because they may in fact help women overcome issues with diastasis recti.  The problem that I found with them was that they charge you an arm and a leg to do so.  I was not willing to spend a bunch of money on some DVDs that I would most likely never use, so I continued searching for a different answer.

Instead of shelling out a ton of money, I sought out the help of a physical therapist (which my health insurance covered) many weeks ago and it was one of the best decisions that I made.  My physical therapist was amazing.  When I first started seeing her my abdominal separation was about 4 fingers or more apart.  This was considered by my OB to be a serious separation that could only be fixed with surgery.  My PT convinced me that I could make great strides towards a recovery, without surgery.  I was more than willing to give it a try.

I met with her only a few times, but in those meetings she gave me exercises and encouragement that I so desperately needed.  She encouraged me to share the exercises that she gave to me with my friends, so this is what I am going to do, friends.  No large amounts of money required.  I am going to break it up into a few different posts, the first being recovery exercises by land, the second being recovery by water, and the third being prevention (which I WISH I would have known when I was pregnant).  Enjoy!


What is diastasis recti?

I had never heard of this before or during my pregnancy.  It was only after, when I Googled my symptoms that I discovered it.  Basically what happens is, as the baby grows inside your uterus, it pushes on the abdominal muscles.  If your abdominal muscles are not especially strong, the pressure from the growing baby will push them apart, causing a separation.  The separation looks much worse after pregnancy and looks like an unsightly bulge, which in my opinion, makes one look like they are still several months pregnant.  

The Mayo Clinic website describes the conditions that make diastasis recti more likely during pregnancy:

• If you are over 35 years old
• If you are pregnant with multiples
• If you are pregnant with a larger baby (the case for me!)
• If you are on your 2nd, 3rd, etc. pregnancy
• If you engage in intense abdominal exercises after the first trimester

Diastasis recti recovery by land (part 1)

First things first, I am not a doctor or physical therapist myself and I am not claiming to be either of those.  I am simply letting you all know what I did and what seemed to work for me.  I hope that this also works for you and would love to hear from you if you try it and experience some success, like me.

The first thing I think that you should do before you try out any exercises is to purchase and use an abdominal binder.  I know this is controversial, but I really think that it helped me for so many reasons.  Post c-section, coughing, sneezing, laughing, etc., hurts.  Having the binder on gave me some support and made those (sometimes uncontrollable) actions hurt less.  They also helped with my self-esteem.  There is nothing like looking 6 months pregnant when you aren't pregnant anymore.

I purchased a few different binders, which I'll review very quickly.

The Babies R Us Post Partum Support - This was the first one that I used starting from a few days after I gave birth.  It was not very comfortable, but it served its purpose, I suppose.  It was also quite cheap.  I wore it only during the day in the first few weeks because it was so tight.  It made me feel much more confident about going out in public with anything other than a sweatshirt on.  It started to fall apart after a few weeks, though, and began to bunch and look rather lumpy under my clothes.

The Medela Postpartum Support - I purchased this support to wear at night because it looked much more comfortable.  It was.  It wasn't as tight or bulky/bunchy.  The problem with this one was that when I started to shrink in the stomach area, the support, which was a size small, became too big and useless.

The Fit Splint -  This support was the most expensive that I bought, but undoubtedly the best.  I bought it to wear in my early days of running.  It made my stomach feel secure and stopped the annoying jiggle during jogging.  The only bad thing about it was that it was neoprene and while this made it fairly invisible under clothing, it also made it terribly hot.  It also chaffed my stomach the first time I wore it.  My PT encouraged me to wear this while engaging in some of my exercises.


On to the exercises...

Once I got the OK from my OB to start any exercises (a little over 6 weeks postpartum), I started with my PT.  The first few exercises she gave me sound really easy, but they were really hard for me at first.  My old, in-shape, self mentally thought I could do them, but physically it was a whole lot tougher.  It was so frustrating.  Here are the first few exercises that I completed:

1. Find neutral pelvis position.  To do this, lay on your back, place your hands on your stomach, and pull your naval to the floor (tilt your pelvis upward).  Find the position where your hands are parallel to the floor.  This is the position that I did many of the below mentioned exercises.

2.  Kegels.  Hate these.  Absolutely despise them.  I was told to do them during pregnancy to help strengthen my pelvic floor muscles and help prevent incontinence.  Did I do them?  No.  Should I have done them?  Probably.  If you are not familiar with Kegels, contract your pelvic floor muscles, hold for a second or two, and then relax them.  These are the same muscles that start and stop the flow of urine.  Do these lying down at first, 5-10 Kegels, 5-10 times a day.  Even once a day will help.  I am not sure I ever found the time or patience for that many.  Once you get good at them, try them sitting, then standing, and then walking.  You'll be a Kegel maniac in no time.  Your husband might thank you as well.  ;-)

3.  Pelvic clock.  Laying down on your back with your knees up, imagine your stomach as a clock.  In the neutral pelvis position, tilt your pelvis from 12 to 6 and then back.  Do this several times.  Next, try the same thing, but going from 3 to 9 and then back.  Do this several times.  Now try the whole clock going clockwise a few times and then switch to counter clockwise, in a smooth motion.

4.  The elevator.  This is a tough one to understand and a tough one to do, at least for me.  Laying on your back, with knees up, and with a neutral pelvis, engage the pelvic floor muscles in three distinct sections: pubic bone, belly button, rib cage.  Hold at each "floor" for 10 seconds.  Once at the top "floor" go back down, while holding in the same fashion.  Do 5-10 of these at least once a day.  The more the better!

5.  Diaphragmatic breathing.  This is a nice and relaxing one.  In the same position (on back, knees up, neutral pelvis), put your hands on your stomach and keeping your chest still, inhale deeply with your belly, hold for 2 counts, and then exhale, sinking your belly button to the floor on the exhale for a 3 counts.  Do a few of these and gradually increase the counts when you feel comfortable doing so.  to make this even harder, try bringing your belly button closer to the floor on the exhales.  

6.  Lumbar stabilization exercises.  In the same position (on back, knees up, neutral pelvis) try the following for two minutes total (trying to be as continuous as possible!!):

• Dropping knees out and then pulling them back in while keeping core as stable as possible.
• Sliding heels out and in while keeping core as stable as possible.
• Marching one foot up, then down, on both sides, while keeping core as stable as possible.

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**PAIL Monthly Theme: "Feeding your child" - I am finally participating in my first (and hopefully not last) PAIL monthly writing prompt post!  This topic was selected because it is National Breastfeeding Awareness Month.  Enjoy!**

Before I had B, I remember thinking about how much I wanted to breastfeed, but how scared I was to do it.  I signed up for classes, consulted friends and family, and G.oogled like crazy.  I was very worried that I wouldn't have enough of a supply for my little man.  I spent a decent amount of time obsessing over this.  In the back of my mind I worried about things like the pain and pumping at work, but honestly the forefront of my nervousness was centered around supply.  Maybe I figured that since I had such a tough time with keeping pregnancies and being pregnant that this would be one more thing I would struggle with.  Little did I know what completely different types of breast feeding challenges that would lie ahead of me...

Like any other responsible mother, I had a birth plan.  I was adamant about sticking to that birth plan.  I printed out 20 copies of that freaking plan and distributed them to any and everyone on the hospital staff that would take one.  Amongst major plan points such as no epidural until I was screaming in pain, no pacifier for the baby to avoid nipple confusion, baby rooming with us 100% of the time so that we could bond, etc., was my insistence on having the baby breastfeed as soon as possible following his birth.  Oh and my greatest wish of all was nothing but breast milk for my baby.  PERIOD.  Everything that I had read warned of the "dangers" of introducing formula instead of or before breast milk.   My baby might not bond with me or he might grow horns or something.  Of course I would be the mom to let my baby lay on my chest following a picture perfect birth and let him leisurely find his way to one of my nipples as nature intended.  Then a silly thing called Murphy's Law came to fruition and I may as well have set that stupid birth plan on fire.

My unplanned c-section was a huge factor in me not following 95% of my birth plan.  Following my complicated surgery, I remember few things about those first hours of breastfeeding.  I remember shaking uncontrollably and struggling to keep my eyes open whilst my delivery nurse tried to shove my baby on my boob, try to make him latch, and explain to me how to breastfeed.  I couldn't even comprehend what was going on.  I was exhausted from a nearly 40 hour labor and 3 hours of pushing followed by the c-section.  The last thing I felt like doing was trying to get the hang of breastfeeding.  I wanted to be asleep.  Birth plan?  What birth plan?  Good night.

No one really prepares you for what to expect in those early days of breastfeeding.  Throw a c-section in the mix and you're screwed.  Add a raging case of PUPPPs and 2 blood transfusions and you're royally (pardon my French) F*CKED.  My hospital room became a revolving door for doctor's, nurses, lactation consultants, friends, and family trying to "help" me breastfeed.  During those first few days I found out that I had extremely small nipples, that milk doesn't come in as fast when you have a c-section, and that if your baby loses 10% of his body weight that they force formula on you.  Who knew?

Giving my son formula in the hospital made me feel awful.  Once again my body wasn't working right and I was going to forever change the optimal balance of bacteria in his little stomach with this "evil" concoction.  I cried as I pumped using the hospital's machine and saw only a few drops of colostrum fall into the cup after pumping for 30 minutes.  One of the nurses declared me an utter failure so I was determined to prove her wrong.  I pumped around the clock and had almost an ounce of colostrum saved up.  When I excitedly went to show my husband what I had done, I tripped and dropped the whole thing on the floor.  Don't cry over spilt milk?  Ummm I don't think that applies to colostrum.  I sobbed for several hours as the nurses and lactation consultants hooked me up with the SNS system and I watched my starving baby guzzle the formula.  F.A.I.L.

I thought that was as difficult as things would get with regards to breastfeeding.  My milk would eventually come in, my baby would get the hang of it, and we would all live happily ever after.  In a perfect world, this is what things might look like.  In reality, my milk came in with an evil vengeance.  My boobs felt like 2 hot rocks and my nipples were bloody with gross scabs.  I leaked (or rather sprayed) every time I took off my shirt.  I dreaded every 1.5 hours because it meant my barracuda baby would have to latch.  I tried the lanolin and gel pads, but thank God for nipple shields or I may have quit.  Thank God my mom was there to listen to me sob on the phone in pain.  She assured me it would get better...eventually.

To help boost the supply I thought might be low, I ate oatmeal every morning, I added brewer's yeast to everything, I chugged Mother's Milk tea, and made batches and batches of lactation cookies.  I even attended a weekly breastfeeding support group!  I would not let my baby and I become victims of a low supply.  No way!

It was around a month after my son's birth when I noticed him spitting up a ton around the clock.  He would choke on my milk when he was drinking and would writhe and wiggle with pain after each feeding.  I was lucky to keep him eating for more than 5 minutes on each side.  His poops were bordering on mucousy green.  The lactation consultant dubbed him a "BK drive-thru baby" and told me that I had an overactive letdown and (gasp) a potential over supply. She told me to stop the oatmeal, lactation cookies, and tea.  The pediatrician told me that it was either acid reflux or some type of an intolerance to what I was eating.  She told me to stop eating dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, and peanuts and to give the baby Zantac.  Oh, no problem!  Now I am that pain-in-the-ass person who has to look at the special menu or needs to lie about being allergic to soybeans because I am sure Johnny Server really doesn't want to get into a discussion about how what I eat affects my milk.  The kicker with all of this is that my baby still spit up a ton (poor kid lives in his multi-colored BRU terry cloth bibs) and still cried after he ate on many occasions.  So much for those solutions to the problem!

Breastfeeding in public is an art that I haven't been able to fully master.  Trying to position a squirming and crying baby on a boob under a hot cover-up is like trying to thread a needle in a low-light sauna.  Not comfortable and not easy.  Dealing with people staring at me makes me more angry than self-conscious.  Yes, I have boobs.  Yes, one of them is out of my shirt.  Yes, my baby is sucking on one of my boobs.  Take your stupid stare elsewhere and let me feed my hungry baby in peace!  Sheesh!

I came to find out that three month maternity leave goes by so very quickly and wasn't the 3 month vacation from work that I had imagined.  I blinked and I was back in the office.  Unlike coming back after a 3 month vacation, nice and rested, I was exhausted and loopy.  I soon learned that I had to fight with the daytime nappers to use the lactation, or "quiet" room, as my company calls it. Pumping every 3 hours during the day at work is tough.  Lugging the bag full of milk home from work is even tougher.  Cleaning all of the pump parts 3-4 times a day is a huge P.I.T.A.  For the first time, I realized that I missed nursing my baby.  I missed the comfort of looking at him happily sucking away and hearing him gulp.  I missed him lovingly rubbing my belly and pulling off to look at me with milk running down his smiley face.  I missed breastfeeding my baby.  

The truth is, my relationship with breastfeeding has been rocky.  It started out rough and then got rougher.  Through it all, I have learned this, nothing ever goes as planned, so put that silly birth plan in the circular file.  You need to learn to be flexible, adaptable, easy-going.  Just like any other skill, breastfeeding takes time to develop.  All of the planning, research, and classes in the world are not going to prepare you for your breastfeeding journey.

So if you are planning on breastfeeding your baby (high five if you are after reading this post :-), my one piece of advice to you would be to NOT listen to those people who claim that breastfeeding is a natural thing that just happens as soon as the baby is born.  Breastfeeding is hard and hurts and in the early days it just plain sucks.  Sometimes you need to supplement with formula.  Sometimes you need to switch from the breast to formula completely.  It's all ok.  You do what you gotta do to keep your baby healthy and growing.  Some of the smartest kids I know were straight formula fed.  I am happy that breastfeeding is finally working for me, but it may not be working for you, and that is ok.

If you are still breastfeeding than I am sure you can relate to some or all of this post.  There are ups and downs, but once you finally get into a groove it really does become second nature and possibly even an enjoyable way to connect with your baby.  Personally speaking, I am glad that I have stuck with it for (gasp) the past 4 months.  I hope to be able to continue until it makes sense for me to stop.         

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You may be wondering what the heck dyspareunia is.  Sounds like a really bad disease.  Luckily it is just a fancy word for painful intercourse, something that I have unfortunately become a victim of.  I made a return to my old GYN this morning.  It was weird going to the place where I last went 2 years ago to have a D&C on such different terms.  Sitting in the waiting room amongst many preggos and babies, I finally felt at peace.  No anger, no sadness, no frustration.  I even made friends with the cutest 15 month old baby.

I definitely confused the heck out the medical staff with my current situation.  The last time I saw them was in December of 2011.  I had my second miscarriage and was there for a follow-up where the doctor proceeded to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me and to keep trying.  Well, thanks to the fact that I have a PPO, I made the decision to see a RE on my own and did not tell them.  One miscarriage, several months of fertility treatment, a pregnancy, and a c-section later, I was back.  Because their medical system is not on the same system as the RE/OB that I was seeing, I had to hash out the long and painful story of the last year and a half in medical terms, twice (once to the nurse and once to the doctor).

I thought I would get a lecture about how I should not have taken matters into my own hands, but the nurse didn't really care and the doctor was really nice and understanding.  He spent a lot of time trying to understand what I had gone through.  I think we talked for at least 20 minutes about everything.

He took a look at my incision and said it looked fine.  He commented on how low it was but made the inference that, based on the situation with B getting stuck in my pelvis, was the reason.  Next I had the lovely metal speculum inserted (OUCH!) so that they could do a culture to make sure I did not have some type of infection.  After that was the lovely internal exam.  He did a few tests to see where I felt the pain.  It ended up being at the back of my vag/perineum area where I whelped in pain.  He felt around my uterus and cervix to feel for adhesions or obvious scar tissue sticking out, but he found nothing, which was good.  I also had no pain associated with that part of the exam, which he said was good.

Based on the exam he made the assumption that my issue is muscle tension from lack of use (haha) and now mental association causing the muscles to tense even more after having had one painful experience.  Basically, now I am expecting it to hurt so I am not enjoying it and not relaxing the muscles.  He also said that the mini-pill and breastfeeding will kill your desire along with exhaustion.  He mentioned that it was a myth that all women are "ready" for sex again 6 weeks postpartum.  He said it usually takes much longer.  Even after making this "diagnosis" he decided that he still wants me to have an ultrasound on 8/30 to make sure I don't have anything else going on that he can't feel.  Basically, because of my 2 D&Cs and c-section my uterus could have some scarring that would be better found now rather than later when I want to try to get pregnant again.  Fine by me.

So I guess the good news is that there doesn't appear to be anything seriously wrong with me.  I guess I'll find out for sure in a few weeks.  The doctor told me to use lots of lube (duh) and to work at it slowly when I am not stressed out.  Haha.  I am always stressed about something!  

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I can't believe that I already had my 6 week OB appointment today.  B will be 7 weeks on Thursday!  Where has the time gone?

I was really nervous for my appointment this morning for a few reasons.  The first reason was because I had to go alone with B.  I have gone alone with him to appointments before, but never to the hospital and never for 4 1/2 hours.  I had to go early this morning to first get my 2 hour GTT and then for my OB appointment afterwards at 11:20 AM.  So yeah, I had to entertain B for several hours, in a hospital setting, by myself.

Turns out it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I nursed him a total of 2 times and changed 3 diapers in the family restrooms.  Luckily everything in the hospital is wheelchair accessible!  I hate the nursing covers and would prefer to just "free-boob" it, but I am not sure how legal that is in my state (or anywhere for that matter).

The 2 hour GTT test wasn't as bad as the 3 hour, but the drink was by far worse.  It wasn't the orange flavored one, it was no flavor other than sugar water.  I choked it down and it threatened to come back up for several minutes.  Luckily I could drink water to take the sticky, sweet taste out of my mouth.  GROSS!

After chugging the gross drink, B and I did several laps around the hospital.  We walked past the fertility clinic.  I wanted to go in and thank my RE and their staff, but didn't think they would even remember me since it was September that I was there last.  I saw the doctor that delivered B and I also saw a few other doctors that I remembered walking the halls.  It was weird to be back there again for what will be the last time for quite a while (or until I try to get pregnant again or get pregnant again on my own).  The site of so many heartbreaks and bad memories, now has a bunch of great memories for me.  They helped me conceive and birth my son.  I am forever grateful.

After my last blood draw, I headed over for one last visit to MFM.  I am not sure what my BP was, but my weight is 133 (down from a high of 164 plus).  I still have 13 lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, or 15 lbs to lose to get back to my goal weight.  I realize that this weight should not come off until I stop breastfeeding and I am ok with that.

I talked to my doctor one last time.  We discussed birth control, as he gave me the all-clear for sex (which I still have no interest in right now...sorry hubby!).  I am going to start the mini-pill on Sunday.  Not really excited about that, but I also do not want to get pregnant for at least a year and having something put into me like an IUD sounds completely unappealing.  We also discussed exercise and my diastasis recti.  I told him about the marathon and he told me that I can start running...slowly.  I am surely going to be at the pace of a turtle for some time.  As for the ab situation, he told me that he has never seen anyone have luck with physical therapy, but he agreed to write me a prescription if I agreed to call him and let him know if it worked or not.  He also told me that if I choose to have another baby and a c-section that he will stitch my abs back together as part of the surgery, if that was going to be my last child.  I love this man!!  He also checked my incision, which he said looked good and he gave me a pap smear which hurt like hell.  He told me to give them a call if I get pregnant and we'll do it all over again starting at 8 weeks.

I really felt like hugging him, but I thought that would be weird.  Seems like so long ago that I walked in there for the first time, crying and so scared.  He really always helped to calm me down.  He never tried to blow smoke and sugar coat anything, but he also didn't unnecessarily scare me either.  It is crazy that you spend so much time at their office when you are pregnant and then you just stop going.  It sounds weird to say that I will actually miss going for regular check-ups there.

When I handed the receptionist my paperwork and told her that I did not need to schedule a follow-up it felt like I was graduating.  I now have my healthy baby that I worked so hard for.  Quite a surreal feeling.  I did it.  I overcame whatever issue I had.  I fought and I won.

When I got home I already had an email from the nurse giving me the results of the 2 hour GTT.  I PASSED!  NO MORE DIABETES!!  My fasting was 87 and my 2 hour was 112.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but know that I will forever have changed my eating habits and will always be thinking about diabetes.  I know that I am at a higher risk now for type-2 diabetes, so I have even more incentive to stay healthy.

Today was a good day.  B has been doing better the past few days.  I have a more thorough update of him that I need to write, but I hear him stirring from his nap so I need to get back to mommy duty.  

For fun, here are some before and after shots of my mangled belly.  Something to work my ass off for.    I am jealous of my old body!  Enjoy!

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As you can see, my blogging has gotten pretty sparse lately.  I knew having a baby would make me have less time for things like writing, but I think I grossly underestimated how much less time I would have.  When I do have a free minute I tend to do things like throw laundry in, do the dishes, make the bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, call my grandma to thank her for my birthday present 2 weeks late...

The crazy thing is that I have a ton of stuff to write about.  I am going to try to make a better effort to write out all of these posts that I am thinking of writing, but for now I am just going to give an update since I have exactly 1/2 hour before I have to feed baby B and go to bed.

Baby B
I can't believe that he will be 6 weeks old on Thursday.  He is awesome and amazing.  Cute and snuggly.  He smells so good.  He is a great eater, but spits up quite a bit and is pretty gassy.  He is very strong and can lift his head and move it around with almost no support.  He is also extremely fussy!  He loves to be held all of his waking hours.  I went out and bought some gripe water to help with his fussiness.  I am still not sure if it is helping or not, but he does seem a little happier.  He also likes the stroller, taking rides in the car, and being toted in the M.oby wrap.  He is growing like a weed.  At his 1 month appointment he weighed 11.1 lbs (up from 9.5 lbs, 2 weeks earlier) and he is now 22 inches.  He is only sleeping about 3 hours (at the most) consecutively at night.  Needless to say, mommy is pretty tired.  He likes a pacifier sometimes, but tends to spit it out after a few minutes.  His fav paci so far has been the S.oothie, but we introduced the N.uk and it seems to stay in his mouth better.  He loves having a bath!  He also loves being swaddled in the S.waddle M.e wrap, which I would STRONGLY recommend.  It makes swaddling in the middle of the night so much easier.  He likes newborn music class!  He will laugh and smile if you catch him in a good mood and squeak his soft rattle.  Seeing his smile makes all of the shit that I went through over the past years worth every last sucky minute.

Breastfeeding
Still going...!  Things have gotten much easier.  B is definitely getting enough to eat as he has gained quite a bit (78 percentile).  My only real issues, which are opposite of the issues I though I would have...oversupply and overactive letdown.  When B goes to latch I literally make him choke with my fire-hose of a letdown.  Sometimes I pump a little off first, but I can't do that in the middle of the night.  Last night I tried hand expressing some milk before feeding him in the middle of the night and I can shoot a stream of milk several feet in front of me.  The lactation consultant that I saw last Friday told me to lay off the oatmeal and M.other's M.ilk tea.  Oh and the lactation cookies that I made were unnecessary, I guess.  I have started pumping at least once a day to save up for when I go back to work.  It is hard to find time to pump since B is very demanding, but I want to start introducing a bottle to him at 6 weeks.  I don't anticipate an issue, but I guess I have been wrong about everything so far.  We'll see.

Thyroid/Diabetes
I had an appointment at the Endocrinologist last Tuesday and they checked my TSH and A1C.  My TSH was only 1.01, so I am thinking that she will tell me that I can discontinue my 25 mcg of levothyroxine.    My A1C was 4.8, which was pretty good and equals an average glucose level of around 94.  I still have my 2 hour GTT in a week and a half so I am hoping that turns out ok.  I am still pretty conscious of my diet and I eat way less carbs that I did before.  I have cut out pasta and bread almost completely.  That said, I have been eating cereal and having treats here and there.  I was good for so long, I think I deserve some indulgence.

Postpartum Recovery
Physically, I feel so much better now than I did a few weeks ago.  I still have about 10 lbs to lose, but I have heard that you need to keep on some weight to be an efficient milk producer, so I am ok with that.  I don't think I look overweight so I am fine with it.  What I am NOT ok with is my stomach.  It is completely wrecked.  I have serious stretch marks and my belly button is gross.  I could write a whole post about this, and probably will at some point.  I have diastasis recti.  From my unscientific diagnosis, I have about a 4-5 finger separation of my ab muscles. I went from 6-pack abs to a sagging pouch of a stomach with a huge indentation in the middle.  It has caused me quite a but of depression.  I hate looking in the mirror, it makes me so upset.  I did some research online and asked friends for recommendations and I found a physical therapy program that rehabs women with this condition.  I am going for my first appointment in a week and a half.  I can't wait.  My scar looks great though.  It is almost invisible to me.  I don't mind it at all.  I have no traces of the PUPPPs rash...thank goodness.  I have been walking with B and my dog.  My bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago and now it is just annoying (TMI) yellow discharge.  Enough for liners 24/7.  I will be so glad when I can stop wearing a liner!  I have been through my entire pregnancy, too!  My doctor prescribed me the mini-pill, but I have not started taking it yet.  I really don't want to take it, but I also don't want to get pregnant any time soon.  Knowing my luck, I would get pregnant with a take home baby if we had sex.  Speaking of sex, we still have not undertaken that activity yet.  I am waiting until my 6 week pp doctors visit before we do it, just to be safe.  I am mentally looking forward to it, but not physically.  I am worried that I'll be in pain.

Other Stuff
I officially signed up for the NYC Marathon.  Yes, I am nuts.  My husband got me a personal running coach and class for my birthday, along with a new pair of sneaks!  I am waiting for my 6 week pp appointment to get the go ahead, but I am not sure they will even let me start running yet and I am not sure I want to run yet.  I feel like my organs might migrate out through the whole in my abs.  Gross.

The dog has been great with the baby.  He is protective and watches B when I leave him in his swing and have to run upstairs.  He likes to lick his head, which we don't let him do often, but occasionally.  :)  The cats have been a huge pain in the ass, though.  They have already scratched up his lovely glider and love to climb in his crib and pack and play with any opportunity that they get.  We have to keep the doors closed, which sucks.  I hope they get better, but I have a feeling this is just cats being cats.

Lastly, I got my medical bill from my 6 days stay...$55,000.  Wowzers.  Thank goodness I am only responsible for $500 of it.  Can't imagine what would happen if I didn't have insurance.

Alright my grace period has expired.  My boobs are telling me that B is hungry.  He is still asleep so he doesn't know it yet, but he will as soon as I pick him up.  Now I need to catch up on my blog list!  I still read when I am breastfeeding, but do it on my iPad, so it is hard for me to comment.  I am still following along with you ladies though.  :)  I hope you are all doing well!

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I can't believe that little B is already 20 days old.  It seems like just yesterday we were watching him wiggle around on the ultrasound screen.  Time really does fly.  I think that sleep deprivation makes things go even faster, if that is possible.  The days and nights are all blurred into one long never ending  day.  I LOVE the weekends because I have my husband home to help me.

Even though I am only 20 days in, I have already learned a lot.  I know every baby is different, but I'll outline a few of the main things that I have learned already.  It might help some of the new mommies or soon-to-be mommies.  Having different perspectives is always helpful!  These are my experiences and may not be what you will experience so please keep that in mind!

1.  Nothing can prepare you for the lack of sleep that you will experience.  All of those silly people who told me to "rest up" and "bank my sleep" seriously had no clue what they were talking about.  You can't stockpile sleep and if you could, being huge and pregnant doesn't lend well to sleeping anyways.  Once the baby is born, you can say goodbye to more than 3 hour stretches of sleep at a time, at least for the first few weeks.  Napping during the day doesn't really help, in my experience.  I wake up groggy and confused.  During B's first few days, I had to wake him up to feed him so he could regain back to his birth weight.  Once I stopped setting my alarm every 2 1/2 hours, he started waking me up every 2 hours on his own, go figure.  It is actually quite amazing that one can function with 3 total hours of broken sleep a night.

2.  Hormones are a BITCH.  I can go from so happy and grateful to angry and upset in 10 seconds.  I wake up at night drenched in sweat.  I have a very short fuse.  My hair is falling out, but not as bad as it did after my first miscarriage.  My beautiful pregnancy skin (yes, this was one area where I was lucky) has given way to a greasy broken out mess.  I look at B and I cry sometimes because he is so perfect and I feel like I don't deserve him.  I feel like I am not nearly as good of a mother as my mother was.  I never heard her complain about getting up in the middle of the night with any of my brothers or sisters.  I never heard to cry over sleep deprivation and when a baby would not stop crying.  My mother was a saint.  God bless her.

3.  Nursing is hard and good nursing friendly clothing is hard to come by, apparently.  During the first few days of nursing, when my milk came in, I was in a tremendous amount of pain.  My boobs felt like painful rocks.  I even ran a slight temperature.  I called my mom crying and she told me it was all normal and that it would pass in a day or two.  She was right.  Then came the sore nipples and scabs.  Yes, sounds gross, but this is what happened to me.  My nipples felt like they were going to fall off so I alternated feedings with the nipple shield.  Yes, it was a pain in the ass to clean and make it stay on, but it helped when I felt like throwing in the towel.  The scabs caused some clogged ducts, which felt like huge painful lumps.  Massaging and hovering over the baby to feed for a few sessions helped with this.  Rock hard boobs, calloused nipples, and clogged ducts gave way to a crazy milk supply.  I was worried about not producing enough when, in fact, I have a great supply.  I even have an overactive letdown which sometimes causes little B to choke because the milk comes spraying out!  This brings me to nursing clothes.  I bought a few nursing tanks at T.arget that I love and then a few more online.  Regular shirts are just useless right now, even if you have a good nursing bra (I recommend the B.ravado seamless bra).  I ordered a few more from T.arget the other day and they cancelled my order saying they are no longer in stock even though when I look online it says that have them.  I would recommend nursing tanks for wearing to sleep and around the house.  Buy a bunch because you'll find that you need to change 2-3 times a day for various reasons (baby spit, milk dripping, explosive poops, etc.).

4.  C-section recovery sucks.  I still am angry and feel cheated.  Please don't judge me.  I know I should just be happy I have my baby, but every time I think about my awful birth experience, I cry.  My husband keeps telling me to get over it and he is right.  I need to move on.  I think I might need to go back to see my therapist.  Similarly to how I was when I was having trouble staying pregnant, I am jealous of other people's seemingly perfect birth experiences and easy recoveries.  I know that this probably is not normal.  Physically, my incision is healing well, but all of my past rub right at that spot.  I haven't found any that are comfortable.  I also still look pregnant.  This is the most bothersome to me.  I have lost 35 lbs, but yet I still have this swollen belly that is covered in stretch marks.  I have no idea if this is normal and if it will go away.  I can't lift more than 15 lbs. so that really restricts what I can do and where I can go.  I just want to feel normal, look normal, and enjoy my baby without all of the restrictions.

5.  You'll never love anything as much as you love your baby.  This one is so very true.  My friends did warn me about this and I wasn't sure I believed them, but now I know that they were right.  No matter how much they fuss or cry or spit up or pee/poop all over you the love that you feel for them is so unconditional and immense.  I look at him and I cry because I love him so much.  It is so amazing to me how much you can love such a tiny little human so much.  He really makes everything else that sucks so bad, worth it.  I would go through all this crap 100 times over if I had to do it to get him.                  

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Can you tell that I have been a little preoccupied in the past few days?  I was cranking this out and then got so busy with B now that he is starting to stay awake for longer periods of time.  Here goes the hospital recovery part.  This may take me several days to finish!

After my surgery I was wheeled back into the room where I had labored for many hours.  One of the nurses tried to take my blood pressure and was having no luck because I had the shakes so bad.  No one warned me about this.  I could not control my body, at all.  My husband said that he tried for almost 2 hours before he finally got it to take.  Someone came in and drew blood from me.  Another nurse wheeled the baby in and tried to help me breastfeed him for the first time.  Breastfeeding immediately after birth was one of the top items I wanted to accomplish from my birth plan, but at this point I was having trouble remembering where I even was or what had happened.  I had absolutely no idea what time it was or what was going one.  They kept trying to force my baby to latch and I had absolutely no interest in it.  I could barely keep my eyes open let alone listen to them try to instruct me on how to feed my baby.  I think that they finally gave up on the breastfeeding because when I woke up, it was about 6:30 in the morning and they were ready to move me to recovery.  Luckily I didn't really know what was going on because I think that I would have been really upset.  What a total failure.  I couldn't nurse my own baby.  My nightmares were now a reality.  :(

Once I was wheeled up into my new room, I started to wake up a little.  I had a catheter and massaging calf wraps on both of my legs to prevent blood clots.  I was fairly immobile.  I was also insanely itchy from the PUPPPs and very swollen.   I was also very thirsty, but they would not allow me to have ANY liquids other than a few ice chips every 1/2 hour.  I was so annoyed and upset.

Nurses and doctors filed in and out, checking on the baby and me.  I was taking oxycodone and Tylenol/Motrin every few hours along with other things like antihistamines to try to control my spreading rash.   My poor little B had to have his foot pricked every few hours to test his blood sugar.  Luckily everything was normal for him.  They also checked my blood sugar, which was within normal levels (albeit high-normal) so they released me from further diabetes testing in the hospital and the diabetes menu.

That first day was kind of a blur.  The things that stand out most are walking down the hallway with a nurse who applauded my efforts at walking several hundred feet without being dizzy or fainting.  I also met with a lactation consultant who instructed me on how to feed the baby.  She was awesome.  Very nice and understanding and gave a ton of good advice.  She explained that my milk would not come in until day 4-5 so that I should be patient with myself until then and try to pump colostrum, if possible.  We had a few visitors on Thursday, which was nice.  I felt like I had been in the hospital forever at this point.  That night we let B sleep in the nursery for a few hours.  I NEVER wanted to do this, but then again I never thought I would have needed a c-section, either.  The 4 hours of sleep I got made me feel so much better, physically.

Friday was a weird day.  Without saying too much, I'll just say that outside events made this day quite surreal.  It was a total out of body experience.  To make things even weirder, I came to find out that I had lost 2 liters of blood during the surgery, which explains why I felt so bad and had completely white lips.  Apparently my hematocrit levels were extremely low (I was now anemic) and the doctors were recommending a blood transfusion as soon as possible.  I was totally stunned and upset.  Why was my body failing me??  I sucked it up and did the transfusion, which took about 5 hours total.

During the transfusion I tried to feed the baby, but it was not going very well.  My nipples hurt and he seemed very hungry and cried a lot.  He was not having wet or dirty diapers as he was supposed to.  When they weighed him in the evening he had lost 10% of his body weight and was down to 8 lb 3 oz.  I had tried pumping and the first time, after pumping for 20 minutes, nothing came out.  The second time I pumped was in the middle of the night and I actually got almost an ounce of colostrum from both breasts.  I was so excited to feel the baby this, but then I accidentally knocked the whole thing over on the floor.  I was devastated.  I cried for a while because I had worked so hard to get that.  They ended up recommending that I supplement with formula to get the baby's weight to go up.  I was seriously upset by this, but knew it was what I had to do to help my baby.  EVERYTHING that I had wanted out of this birth (except for a healthy baby) was just not happening.  We used SNS with the syringe and tube which we stuck in the baby's mouth while he was trying to breastfeed.  He sucked that formula down so fast.  I felt terrible.  My baby had been starving because I could not feed him.  I felt terrible, but was glad that he was getting what he needed.

Besides the feeding fiasco, my PUPPPs rash decided to get worse instead of better and the swelling that I had experienced immediately following the birth was now also 10 times worse.  I didn't want to look at my feet or legs because they were so gross.  The PUPPPs rash had spread to my entire body.  I was itchy and burning at the same time.  It felt like a bad itchy sunburn.  From between my fingers and palms of my hands to now between my toes and the soles of my feet, I was covered from shoulders to toes with a gross blister like rash.  The only place that I did not have it was my face.  Several doctors came by to look at it.  They even called in 2 doctors from a neighboring hospital, who took pictures of me and agreed that this was one of the worst manifestations of the rash that they had ever seen.  They prescribed me a steroid creme and some fenofexadine, but nothing helped.  I cried quite a bit out of desperation   My husband, who is really the best man ever, scrubbed me 2 times a day with Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap and then slathered me with Sarna.  Honestly, the only thing that helped me was the soap.  God bless my husband and God bless Grandpa.

Speaking of my husband, he has taken to being a Dad like second nature.  He quickly became the lead on diaper changes, burping, and swaddling, since I could not do it.  He was also able to use the knowledge that he learned from "The Happiest Baby on the Block", and soothe our fussy little guy.  You never would have been able to tell that, at one point, he did not want to ever have kids.  This man is a natural!

With regards to the swelling, I would tell every nurse/doctor that walked in to look at it because I was convinced that it was not at all normal.  They assured me that it was and told me that it would get worse before it would get better.  I could not even believe that they were correct, but they were.  Edema turned into pitting edema, GROSS.  They told me to walk as much as possible, but I had trouble in between pumping, feeding the baby, eating, and getting checked out by medical staff constantly.  My husband and I would take the baby in his rolly crib and visit the nursery to get "exercise".  Man those babies were tiny compared to my big boy.

As the days went by, I started feeling a little better.  I was able to walk more.  I was able to use the bathroom without assistance.  I was so worried that I would not be able to take a poop, since the doctors told me that it would probably be days after I came home from the hospital and that it would hurt like hell, but to my surprise (and theirs) I went on day 3 and day 4 and it was only minimally uncomfortable!  Thank you Colace!  I think my post c-section diet had a lot to do with this, as well as the amount of water I was consuming.

By the morning of my discharge day, 4 days post c-section, I was feeling a lot better, but was still very swollen and itchy.  It was chilly outside, but I could not squeeze into my U.ggs.  I ended up wearing my showering flip-flops home.  One of the doctors came in and removed my staples before we left.  I was really worried that it would hurt, but it was totally fine.  They put little pieces of tape over the incision and told me that they would fall off with time.  I had a few more checks (as did baby B) and left with several prescriptions including oxycodone, Mortin, Colace, iron, and steroid cream.  I also left with several goodie bag items (haha) including: mesh panties (so hot), huge pads, some castile soap, formula (just in case), and a bunch of other random items.  The doctors told me no driving, no housework, no stairs, and no lifting more than 15 lbs for several weeks.  How realistic is that?  They also told me no getting pregnant for at least a year if not 18 months.  The perks of a c-section just keep on coming.

It was almost a week that I was in the hospital and being outside seemed so weird.  It was just like one big long day to me.  I was ready to start my home recovery and had no idea what to expect.  No books or manuals could have prepared me for all of this.

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I wasn't worried about the c-section surgery, itself.  I was more concerned with what would happen afterwards because I know that the recovery time is much longer than a vaginal birth.  I knew that I could not hold my baby afterwards.  I knew that I would have trouble breastfeeding.  I knew it would take longer for me to get back into shape.  As they wheeled me to the surgery room, I just cried.  I just didn't know what else to do.  More challenges I was not sure how I could deal with.

When I got to the room, I remember the bright lights, just like when I had my D&Cs.  They transferred me from the hospital bed to an operating table that was incredible uncomfortable.  Soon they shot me up with stronger epidural meds so that made the discomfort slightly less.  The had my arms stretched out to the sides of my body on planks and they put up a curtain right in front of my chest.  My husband sat beside me and held my hand.  Several doctors stood behind me and several more behind the curtain.  I am not sure exactly how many doctors were there in the room, but it was at least 5, if not more.  There were also several nurses.  The lead doctor performing the surgery was the doctor who I had the Cytotec run-in with.  Figures, right?

Once the epidural took effect, I started to relax a little.  Things started moving pretty fast.  They explained to me that I would feel some pressure, pulling, and tugging and that this was normal.  I felt all of those things.  Several minutes later, I heard the main operating doctor's tone of voice change from normal to slightly frantic.  Apparently the baby's head really was stuck in my pelvis (hence the pain).  It took one doctor pushing the baby from the bottom (yes from my vag) and another pulling the baby to dislodge him.  They did do the delayed clamping that I had requested and then cut the cord.  The baby then started crying, but it wasn't the robust cry that I had imagined, like waaaaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaah.  It was more like a wah......wah......wah.  My husband and I both cried.  He was alive.  This was what I had waited more than 2 years for.  It made everything seem so worth it.  This was our baby.

They took him to clean him off, weigh and measure him, to do the Apgar test, and get his vitals.  He weighed 9 lb, 2 oz and was 21 1/2 inches long.  Quite the big boy.  He scored a 9 on the Apgar.  After they were done with this they brought him over to my husband and my husband brought him over to me.  I gave him a kiss, but it was at this time that I started feeling really bad.  I was shaking pretty uncontrollably and I started feeling really, really drowsy.  They shot my left shoulder with some clotting medicine and it made me really sick to my stomach.  I felt like I was going to throw up, but since my stomach was still out in the open, it was a very disturbing feeling and I never actually threw up.  The doctors started sounding really serious and rushing all around.  The blood pressure cuff on my right arm was going off every minute or 2.  I could see my blood pressure dropping with each check on the monitor screen and this made me seriously anxious.  I started hyperventilating and frantically turning my head from side to side and looking at the screen with my vital signs.  The my blood pressure was lower every time I looked.  They told me to focus on my baby, but I could not.  I was fixated on my dropping blood pressure and I knew something was wrong.  At one point it was 80/50.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I tried so hard to keep my eyes open, but they kept closing.  I was going in and out.  I was so afraid to close my eyes because I was afraid they wouldn't open again. They ended up giving me oxygen and several more of the sickening clotting shots in various places on my body.

I came to find out that my uterus would not contract after they pulled the baby out and I was bleeding like crazy.  Apparently, due to the fact that I had labored and pushed for so long, my uterus was extremely irritated.  It took them a long time to get things under control.  To me it seemed like an eternity.  Once my organs were put back in and I was stapled together, They declared the surgery a "success" and moved me back to the hospital bed.  They wheeled me back to my room.  I was shaking so badly.  I could not control it.  I wasn't cold, either, it was very odd.  I was quite out of it and kept forgetting why I was there.  I was so doped up on morphine and other meds that I almost forgot about my perfect little miracle baby.

This is when I started the long recovery process.  I had absolutely no idea what I was in for.

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